So this weekend has been a bit rough, emotionally.
Then again, when isn't the weekend tough, emotionally?
As I said in a previous post, the person in my life who is closest to me in every respect (he even knows my thoughts, from two countries away, before I have even told him my thoughts), is moving. OK, he is already technically living in another country, but this is the real deal, the signature on the dotted line (this, since certain people in his environ do not like me. Hate could even be bandied about as a term here. And hopefully this means that he will not have anything to do with me any longer. Absence...does it make the heart grow fonder or forgetful?).
Since I am sick of referring to personal pronouns, let's just call him D, yes?
So D may be packing up and moving completely to another country. Yes, it's within the EU, and yes, it's only a two hour flight away. But psychologically, it could be on another planet. And physically, it feels as though a part of my insides are being ripped out (she doesn't need TWO kidneys, does she? And this liver...geez, it has definitely seen a lot of action, so let's just take that too. Oh, and the heart? Well, seeing as she won't be needing it, that goes with D, as well.)
Now, D has the chance to take a post here in Sweden and move back. But for a few reasons, he is leaning to opting out of it. This is very, very hard on me, since:
1) I am here in Sweden-am I not worth enough to move to be near to?
2) A year ago when I was job hunting and told D that I felt I didn't fit in here, he told me I was full of shit
3) I truly don't feel I fit in here, but then I didn't fit in the U.S. either. I just don't seem to fit anywhere. But the one reason that made me feel like I could give Sweden a go and just accept that I am not integrated is packing his bags and skedaddling.
Imagine how worthless and miserable I feel. The tranquilizers don't work, the Sleeping Tabs are not enough, the wine does not truly numb it all.
D tells me we can still be as close as we are today, still have as much as contact (perhaps more?), and that I am still the closest person to him. But if you pack up and go off to a new country, new jobs, new home, how easy is it to just walk away from others (again....absence? Are you listening? How are you going to affect me, Man?)? Especially when you get in a fight, and are not there to sit in front of each other and talk it out, to see apologies and friendship on the face?
Well, plenty easy. I know, I've done it. Twice. I packed up and just moved away. But since I have done it, maybe I know more now how important some people are, how some relationships we have in life are the stuff of gold, the reason we breathe, the light on the horizon, the decent beer in the tap.
I hope it doesn't take for him to lose me to realize that. I'm the kind of person, that once you lose me, you never really get me back. I'm the stereotypically jaded, guarded, untrusting....
The panic I feel is real, and growing. My fingers itch to take my passport, search the web, and move out-just start all over again in a new place, a new life, a new person. I won't make it through this, otherwise. There are some people you don't survive losing. I already lost one person that I loved more deeply than I ever knew I could. To lose another person that I love even more will be the end of me, as I know me.
Already, I don't recognize the face in the mirror.
-H
PS to D, whom I know is out there-you're the one thing I've tried to hold on to. Maybe it is not enough.
Posted by Everydaystranger at June 29, 2003 08:44 PM | TrackBack