There are some moments in time when I feel really proud of myself. And there are some moments when I begin to falter. When I think: Yup, time to move on. This is all too much. In those moments I can actually feel my fingers itch as they yearn to run my fingers over the raised gold engraving on my passport. My new life is only one turn of my car key and one search on Monster.com away. I can drive away tomorrow, disappearing from life and starting over to rebuild the new Helen.
I am no stranger to running from my problems. I have done it several times before, after all. I moved halfway across the US to get over breaking up with Kim. After that, I found it was just easier to leave the country, since there is just no getting over some people when you are in nearly the same time zone. I am telling you, here and now-it is possible to pack up and move away, leaving your problems behind.
But see, the thing is-you just get new ones.
Sometimes I look at my life and think: am I just borrowing this space? Is everything I think and know and feel just attributable to a new relationship, a new man to claim what I would claim as truly mine?
Maybe a person only felt incomplete because they simply hadn’t been exposed to that which could make them see. We need a change of perspective, the adherence to the old adage-that we never really know what we have until it's gone.
I am no different.
Am I going to spend forever in Sweden? No, I don't think so. Am I going back to the US? I don't know. I can tell you this:
- I like being in England, since it is not only good memories for me, but seems to be a great blend of the US and Europe. They (mostly!) speak my language, and things there seem to make sense. Does it feel like home? Maybe.
- I like being in Australia, since they (mostly!) speak my language, it is incredibly laid-back and diverse, and it is as far away from anything I know as I could get. Does it feel like home? Maybe.
- I like being in the Seychelles, but let's get real. You can't live in paradise. Does it feel like home? Only if I had been on "Gilligan's Island".
- I like being in Sweden because I chose to be here. I have fought every inch of the way to learn the language, learn the people, and to Just. Fucking. Try. Does it feel like home? I don't know anymore.
- I like being in the US because I can talk as fast as I want, the grocery stores break my heart, and because things there make perfect sense. Does it feel like home? Not really. Somehow, I got left behind.
Basically, I belong everywhere and no where.
So now, when the going is getting rough and the rough wants to get the hell out of here, I have to quiet my hand. Leave my passport alone. Don't give up now. This is my life. These are my problems. And now it is time to face them. I may be life's bitch, but I am going to fuck HER and leave her panting, desperate and desiring, under my command this time.
Enough running away.
-H.
Good for you Helen.
You are doing the right thing. I know how hard it is sometimes, to not run from your problems. But after my ordeals this year and last I came to realize that standing up to your problems and addressing them is a much better and easier ( it is much easier than you think once you start it becomes easier every time after) solution than running away from them. I am glad that you came to this realization on your own and that you are applying it to your life. I am proud of you.
Posted by: Agamemnon at October 9, 2003 04:56 PMWay to go! Thats what I like best in you! You are so upbeat when things are bleak. I'm sure things will be better.
That's my girl! You tell 'em!
Posted by: Jennifer at October 8, 2003 10:10 PM