When is it ok to try to beat someone up?
Well, my knee-jerk reaction is "Never" (my second answer is: "That is up to Helen"), however I have experienced something that makes me wonder if perhaps the court of law would sometimes be ok with it. Like this morning.
Now, remember that I am an isomniac. I don't really sleep, and when I do if I wake up then I am UP. It' nearly impossible to fall back asleep. So in our household, I usually take Ed the Evil One out in the morning on weekends, and let Partner Unit sleep in. (If you want to lose your mornings, get a dog. I hear kids have the same effect, but then kids can blame you for wrecking their lives. Dogs can't.)
Anyway, Parter Unit and I are supposed to take turns but inevitably I wind up doing it, smuggling the dog out and shutting the bedroom doors so Partner Unit can sleep. Last night I forewent my usual sleeping tablets and had a bottle of wine instead. Same effect, it knocks me out, with the same result-headache in the morning. So this morning it was Partner Unit's turn to take the dog out.
At 6:04 am I woke up as usual. Ed woke up too, as usual. And the damn dog started pacing. But I was determined to try to hold onto sleep so I submit myself back into my weird dream that I showed up at work with greasy hair and wearing boxer shorts.
7:00, Ed still pacing. Click click click click go his nails on the wooden floor. Partner Unit rolls over and pets the dog, talking to him. I try to force myself to ignore it.
7:15-Partner Unit rolls over and cuddles me, upping the temperature of the bed by about 20 degrees. What is it about men, why do you have these little fireplaces built inside of you that heat up the bed so much?
07:30-Partner Unit tells the dog to be quiet. I begin to feel my hangover coming.
07:45-Ed starts whining.
Partner Unit decides to start talking to me.
Him: Hmm...I love you.
Me: Yes, that's nice. Isn't it your turn to take the dog out?
Him: Yes, I will.
I desperately try to insert myself back into weird boxer short dream.
Ed barks softly.
Partner Unit gets out of bed. My headache is very, very present now. As is my craving for orange soda.
Him: I will take the dog out now.
Me: 'K.
Him: You look really sweet sleeping.
Me: That's interesting. Cause I am TRYING to be sleeping, but no one will let me.
Him: You have Mumin in the bed. (he is referring to the cat here, not a weird sex toy).
Headache is raging out of control now. I wonder why I am trying to insert myself back into a weird, neurotic dream. Seems totally unhealthy, so I try to imagine myself having sex with Colin Firth. That seems healthier.
Him: I'll make you breakfast and have it ready once you wake up.
He and Ed leave. I try to roll over and sleep. Cannot do it. FUCK!
Have a quick masturbation session, then get up out of bed and head downstairs to make coffee. Partner Unit comes back inside house and hugs me, so glad we are all up and out of bed as a family.
If I took this to a judge, he would totally let me off.
Judge: It was your day to sleep in? And you were possibly able to? And your Partner Unit decided to keep a running dialogue with you, despite your weird dream? Oh yeah. Go ahead and fuck him up. In fact, I will hold him down, you can beat him up. That OK?
Men. Leave us the hell alone when it's our morning to sleep in.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at October 12, 2003 01:14 PM | TrackBackSee? We all know the feeling! Del, Wired Nerve, Jamie. We've all been there!
Howard-you made my ovaries pound with the extremely cute story about your daughter.
Jennifer-can I pay you in Mardi Gras beads? :)
Jean-you and I seem to have the exact same sleeping patterns. And need for destruction! :)
Posted by: H at October 13, 2003 08:08 AMI don't mind the built-in heater if it's cold as h#ll and my butt's cold. But... Do. Not. Wake. Me. Up. If you talk to me and my answer is "hmmmmm.." immediately drop the soundproof shield around yourself and carefully exit the room. Any other response is grounds for Radical Orchidechtomy with a Dull Aluminum Spoon.
Just a beating is too good for him. I've got the spoon. I'll even been nice and go sharpen it a little outside on the cement sidewalk.
Posted by: jean at October 13, 2003 07:22 AMH, babe, if you need a lawyer I could get you off! (pun intended)
Posted by: Jennifer at October 13, 2003 03:28 AMThe last good night's sleep I got was the day before my first daughter was born.
Of course, being an observant Jew doesn't help much with the sleep thing either.
I remember, before I became religious, I would party until 3:00 a.m. or 4:00 a.m., come home, and sleep until 2:00 p.m. Or 3:00p.m. Once until 4:00 p.m. Then I'd go out for margaritas with a friend, and start over again. Not so much since becoming religious. You have to get up at -- no pun intended -- ung-dly hours to go to shul, every morning. Saturday? You start a little later (say, 8:30 a.m. - 9:00 a.m.) but it lasts a couple more hours.
Combine that with a daughter who comes into the room at 5:30 a.m., EVERY MORNING, and says, "Abba (hebrew for "daddy"), I can't find my pahty (My daughter's word for pacifier)."
Of course, after I get her pacifier (from her pillow, every morning), she crawls into bed between my wife and me, and throws one arm over each of us.
It's times like that I don't ever want to sleep again.
Posted by: Howard at October 13, 2003 02:27 AMI am afraid I am one of those people who can wake up in the morning, then go straight back to sleep. It drives my girlfriend mad as once she is awake she has to get up.
She used to do things like wake me up to tell me that she was getting up (why would I care? I was asleep, and I'm sure I could figure it out when I eventually woke up!)
Posted by: Del at October 12, 2003 10:09 PMDrew-I saw that link on Jim's site, too. I got nothing on it. It wasn't me. I swear. Because:
1) shoes are very, very precious, not to be left cold and unprotected in the wild, scary outdoors.
2) I am a margarine girl.
Guilty as charged. I am a morning person and I love to “heat” the bed up as you put it. I also love it when my partner unit is awake or not, and I get to spoon.
Your honor, I am guilty as charged, but if I am going to get a beating please don’t tease…
I am a light sleeper also and to boot have this aweful problem of waking up way to early on weekends. Prehaps drugging them both would allow you to sleep longer. Or prehaps ear plugs?
Also whats going on over there? Whats with the shoes with butter? Link Below
http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/europe/10/09/offbeat.butter.shoes.reut/