Everyday Stranger

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Airplane

I am back and alive in Stockholm. I had a slight delay on the way home, so sorry about the silence on this site as I worked my way across the globe.

I had a most interesting thing happen to me in the airport.

My business meeting had ended, so I packed up my comfy clothes into a Target bag so that I could change on the plane, and dashed to the airport dressed to the nines. Truthfully, I did this in an attempt to see if they would upgrade me.

It didn't work, of course. The evil attendant behind the counter indicated that she could only just upgrade me to an aisle seat, since the 11 hour flight from San Francisco to London was creakingly full. I got said aisle seat only if I promised to give her my first born child.

Stupid cow. She actually thinks I mean to deliver.

I had to have my super-enormous "I-pack-way-too-much-shit" suitcase X-Rayed at another counter before it can be finally checked. They take my bag and grin at me, mollifying my worries that I am too chick-ish and pack too much. They ask me if the suitcase is locked, I confirm that it is. They then whisk my lovely bag into an enormous machine. They review it. Look at the screen. Look at me.

Look at the screen.
Look at me.
Look at the screen.
Smile enormously at me.
Kindly take my bag for me to the check-in counter.

I thought they were being nice, until I walked past the screen, which still had the weird, 3-D like image of my bag. I saw my clothes in amorphous piles, my makeup case and lucky tweezers, and a few DVDs. And I also saw the penis-shaped vibrator and handcuffs.

No wonder they were so nice to me.

Anyway, I make my way through to the security queue, which is so long and hostile that it seems possible to actually begin collecting social security funds while waiting out the line. They make me take out almost eveything from my bag. As I walk through the metal detectors, they go off.

Which is ridiculous, since the only metal I have on is the zipper to my dress.

I get hustled over to the side, and a woman steps forward.

"Ma'am," she says, "I am going to have to frisk you."

She is maybe five foot two. The temptation to drop kick her and run is overwhelming. The queue of people looking at me makes me nervous.

Security Chick reaches over to a drawer beside her and pulls out a box of rubber gloves, which she snaps on.

I feel like my nipples are going to fall off. Rubber gloves? Is she going to need rubber gloves? WHY is she going to need rubber gloves?

She walks up to me. "Hello, my name is Rhonda, and I will be frisking you today."

I feel stunned. I look at her. Surely this is not happening. "Am I being punk'd?" I ask, smiling.
"What?" she replies.
"What?"
"What?"
"Guess not."

She looks me in the eye. "You have all of your usual rights as a citizen during travel. I will be touching parts of your body. Before I touch certain areas, I will inform you of that option. If at any time, you feel you or your rights have been violated, please say so immediately. If, at any time, you want a manager or supervisor present, please say so."

"Uh...Rhonda? Am I going to jail? Cause if not, let's just do this."

And we do. She asks me to stand, feet apart, palms up. Ziiiiiip! I feel her gloved arms drifing up my back. Ziiiiiip! the sides of my breasts get padded down, just after she warns me she is going to do so. Ziiiiiip! I get warned that she will be reaching down my hips and stomach, and she does so, just in time for me to suck it in.

Then she has me put my left foot out and searches the back of my leg. Right foot out, search the back of my leg. Now it's left foot out, to search the front of my leg. Right foot out, to search the front. Then she asks me to turn myself around.

I do so, and three of the security staff, simultaneously, shout "That's what it's all about!"

I fall over, stunned. What's happening?

Then I realize. Left foot out. Right foot out. Left foot out. Right foot out. Turn myself about.

They had me do the hokey-pokey.

They were fucking with me.

As they fell about laughing like a room full of 5-year-olds, I grumpily gathered up my stuff.

The good news is that I was able to provide enjoyment and enlightenment for people that could have made my life difficult. At my expense, of course.

That, and when I got on the airplane, I found the flight attendant cow had lied to me-the flight was wide open. I had a whole row to myself. So after watching "Finding Nemo", I slept most of the journey.

I'm home now, and more than a bit jet-lagged (apparently, while unpacking last night I informed Partner Unit that a pack of white rabbits was interfering with the process. He put me to bed.)

Let me know if you like the new pic on my sidebar.

-H.

Posted by Everydaystranger at October 28, 2003 09:34 AM | TrackBack