Besides semen, gray matter, and a few bottles of beer, that is.
Or none of the above if he has been out on a bender the night before.
What is it that attracts us to men (assuming you swing that way)?
I'm at home today (why bother going in to work today? Company X (debating stealing Joey's term and calling the company "Duct-Taped Hamsters", which is much funnier) certainly doesn't care) and got to thinking about this issue post therapy visit (oh come now. Surely you didn't think I was normal? I have more issues than the Sunday version of the New York Post!)
When I was in college, during a booze-filled night after a bad break-up, I wrote a list of features that the ideal man must have. That's right, I'm a list-maker. While crying on the living room floor and howling along to the thumping beats of "I Will Survive" and downing a bowl filled with a can of frozen orange juice concentrate, a half bottle of vodka, and some raspberry sherbert, I wrote up the things I would be looking for in a man. I still have that ratted piece of paper, and here it is, for your perusal:
-Can make me laugh.
-Loves hockey
-Tall
-Big hands
-Can spend all day in bed with me watching movies
-Loves pizza
-Not marriage-phobic
-Likes dogs
-Wants a house
-Lets me eat off his plate
-Believes in love letters
-Holds doors for me
-Likes my family
-Smart
-Likes pancakes
-Thinks I'm the greatest woman he's ever met
-Blue eyes (negotiable)
-Knows how to ride a horse
-Likes the ocean
-Loves to read
-Charming
-Likes to hold my hand
-Thinks I'm beautiful
-Patient and tender
-Will wear a wedding ring
-Loves to travel
I think that list pretty much holds true today. OK, keep in mind, I was three sheets to the wind, so some of the requirements are pretty flaky. I can be flexible on the "likes pancakes" and "knows how to ride a horse", for instance.
I am nothing if not the pillar of flexibility.
So, seeing as how in my last post I got questions about what it is that is wrong with my relationship today (see the comments section for questions and my reply), I got to thinking about other things that I would want in a man in the future. I think I have a few more items.
-Must have body hair (can't have too much of it. The more muppet-like the better).
-Willing to share a toothbrush with me.
-Accepts the fact that you can never have too many shoes.
-Knows that my money is, indeed, my money. And while his money is (in theory) his money, it can become my money without provocation.
-Sexually adventurous. Let's try anything we want, and narrow the list down from there.
-Willing to let me sleep with Colin Firth and John Cusack when they finally call me for their booty call.
-Knows I am insecure and doesn't get patronizing about it.
-Will cuddle me as we fall asleep, and then again when we wake up.
-Doesn't have to flip the channel whenever commercials come on.
-Will never hit me or throw things at me in anger. Ever.
-Eats my beaver. Often, and without prompting.
-Knows that I have a ridiculously hard time talking about myself (hard to believe, based on this blog, eh?) and is willing to work on that.
-Can look at a menu and know what I will be having. Everytime.
-Let's me play with his Johnson during boring movies.
That's not asking too much, is it?
I wonder if I am missing anything off the list. Let me know if you think I am. And tomorrow I think I will post "What's in a Woman", so suggestions now are welcome.
-H.
PS-Holy shit! Found this link via What Now? I think I have confessed so much that I am safely out of the hole!
PPS-Still time to submit questions to Jen, for when she interviews me!
Posted by Everydaystranger at October 30, 2003 11:15 AM | TrackBackFor the most part, a reasonable list.
I'm not much into sharing toothbrushes, though. And, the money thing depends on the relationship: fine while dating but rather odd if married.
I don't flip channels during commercials, since I TiVo the shows and fast forward through them. Does that count?
And I'm not particularly hairy, either.
Posted by: James at November 7, 2003 06:53 PM"share a toothbrush"? ::shudder::
You want to share someone else's plaque? I know, I know, "We kiss and swap spit and human mouths are filthy." Agreed but still! Share a toothbrush?
Good luck finding someone willing to do that.
Posted by: serenity at October 31, 2003 10:39 PMCarlene and I may need a cat fight over John Cusack. She's hot. She may win.
My beloveds Jim and Don both posted Statements of Compliance in their blogs, both of which had me howling with laughter.
It may be love. Lust, anyway.
Posted by: Helen at October 31, 2003 01:57 PMOoh-I'm with Clancy on the "honesty" and the "appreicates small gifts". Those two are important.
On the store layout-darling, we think about what we need in order of recipes, or else in order of what the hell we need. So you may see "toilet paper" next to "red peppers". That's a very ambitious want!
Posted by: Helen at October 31, 2003 10:23 AMMy list is pretty similar to yours, but you already know that. Needless to say, S doesnt fit the bill entirely, but I'm a pillar of flexibility too and (ref to kaetchen) who else would put up with my sorry ass?
Posted by: Melodrama at October 31, 2003 08:18 AMI beg your pardon, Carlene. I pee fully erect.
No, wait, that didn't sound right.
Standing up. I also hold doors for women, cook everything from pancakes to Beef Bourguignon, and love giving head. So there.
pylorns finds a girl laying in the street in new orleans.. grabs her wrist... looks at watch.. SUCCESS! a pulse!
Posted by: pylorns at October 30, 2003 11:03 PMI hope you realize, missy, that my number is one above yours on John Cusack's booty call list. Deal with it.
Oh, and Dave, "a guy that puts the seat down" tends to translate to "a guy that pees sitting down." Trust me, I know.
Posted by: Carlene at October 30, 2003 10:29 PMFYI...my future history of our romance is up, Helen.
Posted by: Don at October 30, 2003 09:50 PMI made a list once under much the same conditions. It was much shorter though, probably because I'm a guy:
Boobs
When I was sober the next day I looked at that and had a hell of a laugh and then I corrected it:
Chick with Boobs
I forget the most important stuff when I'm drinking.
Posted by: Jim at October 30, 2003 07:36 PMI am really close on this one.
I think the second list shows a healthy focusing of priorities.
How could Joshua not find this if you post a link directly to it? I think your desire was a ruse.
Posted by: Guinness at October 30, 2003 06:33 PMThis beaver. Is it a pet beaver? Why would you want someone to eat your pet? Also, if your raising this beaver as livestock, then how could it be eaten often, if you only have one?
Posted by: Brendan at October 30, 2003 05:20 PMI made a list several years ago too, only I was stone cold sober. Anyway, your post reminded me of it and I just got it out to take a look. Here’s mine:
- Mutual respect and admiration
- Honesty
- Sincerity
- Someone who appreciates gifts, no matter how small (i.e.- a rock)
- Self-confidence, self-love, personal independence
- Intelligence
- Happy, Cheerful, fun to be around
- An appreciation for beautiful things – nature, art, music
- Generally positive
- A women who, when she makes the grocery store list, makes it in the order that the store is laid out.
I’ve only shared it with a few people but it seems appropriate that I review it now as I think I’ve met “her.” I’d elaborate, but she may be reading this...
Damn, H, that's quite the list. I think mine consists of only one item: someone who can tolerate my sorry ass. ;-)
Posted by: Kaetchen at October 30, 2003 05:15 PMOoh...Don (at http://angermanagement.mu.nu/) has issued a SoC (that's Statement of Compliance, for all of you whom are not nerds, like me) on his site.
I think I want him.
Posted by: Helen at October 30, 2003 04:57 PMA "pillar of flexibility"? Nice.
As for you list and to quote The Net -
would you settle for a guy who puts the seat down? :-)
You know whats a shame is when you make a list like that and you find the person that meets all those requirements.. and you just walk right on by... either not knowing, or not interested.
Posted by: pylorns at October 30, 2003 02:56 PMYou aren't by any chance my twin are you? LOL. Of course, we'd be fraternal because you're much better looking..hehe. My list of what I want in a man is almost identical (including the bit about Colin Firth and John Cusack..hubba hubba!), minus pancakes and horseback riding..but I understand that was written under the influence. ;)
And I read your last comment on yesterday's post. Been there...why can't we find men that are both????
Posted by: Daphne at October 30, 2003 11:59 AM