November 07, 2003

The Volvo-Man Finale

I am defeated.

Volvo-Man has won.

Security met with Volvo-Man and his managers yesterday. Volvo-Man has miraculously managed to produce a list of three friends that were in the gym with him at the exact moment of our confrontation and can verify that I was threatening and attacked him. Security called one of said witnesses.

Guess what he said?
That I was threatening and attacked him.

This I find interesting, since he and I were alone during the beginning of the tirade, other than the appearance of a gym staff member halfway through. Maybe his friends are of the invisible persuasion. Maybe I should've worn my 3-D glasses. Maybe they were playing a warm-up game of hide and seek.

Or maybe they were. Never. Fucking. There.

Then he and security addressed the traffic accident. Apparently, I was driving dangerously fast and was wild. This is very interesting to me, since I tend to find it difficult to drive erratically when stopped in a traffic jam for 30 minutes. Maybe I have been doing traffic jams wrong all this time.

And that he would never have deliberately caused a car accident, since his wife (in the car with him) is pregnant. Also interesting, since they had a used infant carrier in the back seat, a newer model, which would imply she had already given birth. And the wife I saw in the car was very thin. Weird. She either is heinously prepared for the birth of her child in 8 months, or is able (and willing!)to get pregnant moments after giving birth to her other child. Hmmm...curious...

Security had to side with him-he has, apparently, three witnesses. I have none (since there were none!) Volvo-Man has been told he is to never come near me. This will not go in his personnel file. I told security to drop the issue now.

He is allowed back in the gym since their consultant company filed a protest with Company X to allow their employees to use the gym. This means his regular schedule of football with his mates will continue every Tuesday at 1900. Which makes me so happy, since I have boxing every Tuesday from 1800-1900.

And in one final "fuck you, Helen", he lives in my neighborhood. I found that out by looking up his car registration. The only way this could possibly get any worse is if both of my kidneys fail and it turns out he is the only possible match. In which case, I will be blogging via dialysis for a while, hope you don't mind. When that fails, I hope Jim picks up the slack left behind by me and spanks his inner child.

Finally, Volvo-Man wants to sit down with my Partner Unit and work on being friends. Not with me. With my Partner Unit. I can see that going over real well.

See, Volvo-Man is not Swedish, he is actually from a Middle Eastern country. I understand that it is their culture to handle things between the men,and although I don't like it, I do comprehend that culturally this is how things are done (if they met, I would walk by the windows a lot burning bras. Not my bras, since they are cute. Roseanne Barr's bras, maybe). I don't hold this against Volvo-Man, nor do I hold against him in any way, shape or form, his race (actually, I think I was a bit discriminated against by the policeman when I didn't take the discussion in Swedish. Huh).

What I DO hold against him is that he is a lying, conniving, bastard that changes the story as it suits and fortunately has a supportive community here that will lie with him.

It's only me here, and all I have is my word.
And it's not good enough.

This, combined with the 11 days left to Judgement Day with Company X have me so down I can hardly breathe.

It's 3:00 pm here, and I'm going home. Well, I'm going to the liquor store first, then I'm going home. And you know what?

I've just had enough of Volvo-Man. Karma will get him. I just hope it's in a really uncomfortable way (with visions of that masked guy from "Pulp Fiction" in my mind).

I've just had enough. So unless I have a wonderful "karma got you back" story, Volvo-Man will be Fox Trotting Oscar right out of my life and my posts now.

Or he will do after I make one last move, and report his car-again-to the police. That's on the agenda for tonight. Hell, woman scorned, and all that.


PS-I did actually have a nice and non-vengeful post today. Just scroll down a jot. There you go. That's the one-"The Little Things" Well done. Now you can read it, if you'd like.

Posted by Everydaystranger at November 7, 2003 02:59 PM | TrackBack

One word: chainsaw.

Grrrr. Just wondering, but couldn't the gym security guy who came in halfway through remember that, gee, there wasn't anybody else around!

Buncha rrrrsssnnnn frrrrrssssnnnnn ccsssssnnnnnn mmrrnnnn mmffffmmmphhhmmmmsss.

Just say the word, Helen dear, and I'm on a plane to help with midnight bacon commando gas cap raids!

Posted by: jean at November 9, 2003 09:30 PM


Just something to think about with respect to Karma. There are now 3 people out there besides you who know what he really did, and could completely fuck him over. I can't help but wonder if knowing that might, ummm...'concern' him for more than a little while?

When you're doing Serenity's gas cap thing (she is evil!) add a litre or 2 of water to the tank while you're at it.

Posted by: Light & Dark at November 9, 2003 01:26 AM

Karma may get him, but I'd find it much more satisfying if a semi-trailer got to him first, yeah?

Posted by: Jamie at November 8, 2003 08:31 AM

Melo-I think Drew just suggested it since he wants me to get the guy back. And I will. And I will do it since he is, absolutely, as you said it-a total fucking asshole! I do not and will not ever go after someone based on where they are from. That's not kosher with me. I support your comment :) Actually, Serenity's gas cap idea made me laugh.

Eric, Kat, Kaetchen, Oda Mae, Rob, Jim, Drew and Pylonrs-thanks for the love and wishes for his karma to get him :)

Guinness-I so suck at taking the high road.

Emily-Oh, I did scream at him in my language!

And the great LeeAnn-what kind of material you need for that doll? You just let me know and we can get that thing going :)

Posted by: Helen at November 8, 2003 07:52 AM

Helen, report him. Seriously. Just report him. He *SO* totally deserves it and this has nothing to do with his race. Pulling out 3 non-existent witnesses is the limit.

I never thought I'd read this here, but pulling out the religion card is SO not done here. Drew, his religious beliefs have nothing to do with the fact that he is a total, fucking asshole. I shouldn't have said this here, considering the flak I've been receiving the past two weeks.

Posted by: Melodrama at November 8, 2003 06:09 AM

Oh, one more suggestion. Go the auto shop and buy a locking gas cap. Then, since he lives in your neighborhood, do a night time commando mission and change out his gas cap.

Bastard won't know it till he needs fuel. Don't forget to wear gloves.

Posted by: serenity at November 8, 2003 06:05 AM

Should have had security ask those three "witnesses" separately what you were wearing when they supposedly saw this whole incident. Oh, three different answers? Why, could it be because you WEREN'T THERE!?

Karma will get him, but sometimes Karma needs a little shove. I like the idea of rubbing bacon all over his crappy Volvo.

Did you know that if you put a piece of bologne on the paintjob of a car it leaves a mark that never comes off? But you didn't hear that from me.

Posted by: serenity at November 8, 2003 06:03 AM

Don't worry, babe....I know that vulvawoman will get what IS coming to him, you rest, relax, and love is the little things, right?...

Posted by: Eric at November 8, 2003 03:50 AM

Sing it with me: "instant karma's gonna get you..."

The fuckface will get his. Everybody does sooner or later. Take care of yourself this weekend. Wine solves everything.

Posted by: Kaetchen at November 8, 2003 01:58 AM

I'm taking up voodoo again, just in case karma in this case takes too damn long.
I bet I can make a Volvo Man doll reallllll easy.

Posted by: LeeAnn at November 7, 2003 07:06 PM

volvo man is evil. that's all there is to it.

i'm wishing you minimal contact with the rat bastard...and i'm wishing him a thousand fleas in his tighty whiteys.

Posted by: kat at November 7, 2003 06:59 PM

Middle Eastern, huh? Well, THAT would have explained a lot to me if you'd put that in the FIRST post. No surprises at what followed, based on my own experience with dealing with the Turkish population in this area. Boy, do they hate independent women! Just the thought of you speaking your mind, let alone driving on your own,must drive the guy absolutely nuts. My personal favorite is to insist on shaking hands. Hah!

If this starts to eat at you, I agree that you might want to look for another job. You are a better woman than I - I would get some intel from some woman friend in his company, then I'd give her a little intel to give back to the scads of women in his organization who HAVE to hate him for their own reasons. There should definitely be some tales told over a bottle or three of wine, with much giggling over the probable thimble size of his shrivelled penis.

Can you even imagine what an ASS he must be to his wife? He caused an accident while she was in the car!! Unbelievable. He's already got his karma, baby. Imagine what it's like to be him. As we say in my home state of Georgia "He's got snakes in the head."

Posted by: Oda Mae at November 7, 2003 06:21 PM

Oh Helen, you aren't defeated. At the end of the day, you're a better person than that bastard. And he probably will never realize it. That's just a frustration you'll have to live with. But you will live with it and you'll eventually forget it. We'll help you :-)

Posted by: Rob at November 7, 2003 05:21 PM

I'm mentally sending my family plague to Volvo-Man. Let me know when he starts coughing.

Posted by: Jim at November 7, 2003 04:51 PM

I think putting it out of your head is probably the only real solution here. Too bad though. Vengence is fun to think about, but probably not as fun to exact.

I think the Gimp in Pulp Fiction liked where he was though.

Posted by: Guinness at November 7, 2003 04:35 PM

Dump PU. Quit Company X. And move back to the States where you can scream at people in gyms in whatever language you like.

Posted by: emily at November 7, 2003 04:32 PM

Now Im not saying I would ever do this or even condone it but I do recall reading somewhere that Middle Eastern Folks have a gigantic fear of toughing a pig. Now if someone was to prehaps cover his beloved Volvo with bacon (especially around the handles)and sausage patties over his car that would just be wrong.

Posted by: Drew at November 7, 2003 04:30 PM

sounds like a bad dream, well he'll get his, and if he doesn't fly us out there to make sure it does happen.

Posted by: pylorns at November 7, 2003 03:29 PM

This story REALLY makes me want to spew foul language all over my blog again....and then go and beat on the punching bag some more...

Posted by: Eric at November 7, 2003 03:26 PM
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