Everyday Stranger

Random Acts of Love

I am reaching the upper limits of my endurance, and in a fit of defiance (or is it depression?) I am staying home today to drink coffee, watch "The Office" on DVD, and wear my Halloween sweat-pants and ratty Georgia Tech sweatshirt.

There are 6 days until Judgment Day, and the stress is really killing me now. I am beginning to suffer the early symptoms of shutting down-I have been withdrawing from my Everyday Life, have begun to stop talking to people, even about the mundane. I don't know if anyone around me has noticed it, or if they simply are so stressed in their own lives. For the people in my real life that notice it, I hope they reach out an arm and grab hold of me, and don't drop me. It's my experience that when I vanish from people's lives, nothing can bring me back again. I can't hold on by myself.

And just when I thought that I was reaching bottom and couldn't take much more, two people from my real life step forward and do something for me that makes the sun shine again. Besides the wonderful emails that I have been getting (and which I truly love and appreciate!) from people who read this blog, two people who know me reached out a hand to try to steady me, to keep me safely from the edge.

My father, and my Dear Mate.

My father and I have had an incredibly rough relationship. He is from Japan (bet you never would've guessed that, looking at my pictures!) and immigrated to the U.S. when he was 16. He immigrated to Hawaii, which is an extremely common entry point for the Japanese. On the island, he met my mother, who was there as my grandfather was in the Army, and stationed there.

She taught him English. They became friends. And when he signed up to fight in Vietnam at age 18 (I am still aghast by this. He signed up to serve his adopted country. This, and he had the same skin color as the people he was fighting. He was a door gunner in helicopters, and I can't even begin to imagine the hell he faced everyday from not only the enemy, but possibly from his own men) they wrote. When he came back, they married. I came along 11 months later.

My parents married and divorced each other twice, but split up many more times. By the time they finally separated, my sister and I were basically begging them to call it a day. They are both happily married to other people now. And no-I am not one of those people that blame turbulence in their lives on their childhood. I have issues because I have issues. I am not having a bad day because my parents divorced when I was 7. I like to think I take more responsibility for my actions than that.

My father is now a commercial airline pilot. He is a retired Lt. Colonel in the US Air Force, an ex-pilot. He served in the Gulf War in the early 90's, and just served again earlier this year. He is a tough man, but a man I never knew. We didn't get on. We fought incessantly.

If you take a Type A personality and cross it with a Type A personality, you get a ticking time bomb. When I was a teenager, we didn't even speak for a few years. We were just too far apart-if I got an A, why wasn't it an A plus? Why couldn't I have been born a boy? Why couldn't I be interested in sports, instead of books? Why was I so ugly, so dumb, so....? I got weary of it, and tuned him out.

When I was dating Kim (the Englishman), I remember we had this conversation:

Him: Your mother tells me you are dating someone named Kim.
Me: Yup.
Him: Tell me about..."Kim".
Me: Well, Kim is Korean.
(Silence. Please remember, that some of the Asian countried have some long-standing feuds with other countries, and some of the people in some of the cultures are less than tolerant of inter-racial dating.)
Him: Oh God. How could you?
Me: But Dad! I love her!
Click.

My father and I didn't talk for several months, but Kim and I got a good laugh out of it.

But through it all, had my father ever needed me, I would've been there. There were times I was the only one in the family that would talk to him. And I swore then, and still swear now-when he gets older, and if he is alone, he is welcome in my home. I will take care of him until he dies, and then I will mourn him terribly.

I may never know him, but he is my father, and I will thus always love him.

Our relationship took a drastic turn for the better when I had a breakdown in January. We talked often, and he expressed to my mother that he felt terrible-he must've never known me if I felt I couldn't talk to him about my life. We have had semi-regular contact since then, but I know that he talks to my mother almost daily-going on 11 months now-to make sure I am still ok.

I sent him a mail yesterday telling him my US trip was off, and I wouldn't be able to see him after all. That Judgment Day is next week, and I am very stressed as I am worried about losing my job and the possible split of Partner Unit and I. I got this email in return:

"Sorry to hear you're all stressed out. You definitely got it from me. I know where you're coming from, sweet-heart. I only ask that you hang in there and give it your best shot. If you're laid off, do the best job you know how to the end. Don't let them see you sweat. After this mess is all over with, do come and spend whatever time you feel is needed to get your 'head' clear. I, or better yet, all of us wants you to just sit back and be taken care of. If you need/want me to come and kidnap you out of Sweden, you know how to get in touch with me. I want my first born to feel loved and wanted rather than somehow looked down with scorn and ridicule. You're certainly not deserving of that. Remember, I love you--all of us do. Our love for you is and always will be unconditional. Love you always. DAD!!"

It only took 29 years, but finally my father and I-two stubborn people that can never give up-have the relationship both of us always wanted. Sometimes, just when you think you can't get through a relationship with someone, all you have to do is reach out a hand, be honest, and tell them you need them.

Thank you Dad. I love you.

And then an old friend contacted me and asked if I would like to visit her in Holland the last weekend of November. And another friend asked if during the week leading up to that I would like to visit her in London. As much as I am dying to see them both (especially since Partner Unit will be away in China that week and if I lose my job I seriously don't want to be home alone), due to me worrying about losing my job I am not willing to spend money on anything. So visiting them both, while extremely desirable, is just not a good idea.

I had prepared "I'm really sorry" mails for them both today, but once I logged in this morning, I saw a mail from Dear Mate. It was an itinerary. He had booked me tickets to London and Amsterdam so that I could visit my friends and not be alone. A gift, which he doesn't want me to pay back, just because he also is worried about me and doesn't want me to be alone. I am truly touched by the depths of which true friends will go to, just to make sure that we are ok.

Thank you, Sparks. I love you.

Two important people in my life. Both of them step up and do something wonderful for me. These are not random acts of kindness.

They're random acts of love.

My hope is restored in people all over again. I feel like Jimmy Stewart in "Miracle on 34th Street". It's like I can breathe again. And mostly, I feel like if I do lose my job, I have people around me that are going to catch me if and when I fall. Both in real life, and here on my site.

-H.

Posted by Everydaystranger at November 12, 2003 10:57 AM | TrackBack