Everyday Stranger

Where Did I Leave That Piece?

I have been trying to pick up the pieces. And those little bastards are everywhere, so it's not easy.

I have, as one can imagine, been spending lots of time in tears. Lots and lots and lots of them. I am also not very talkative. I am angry, I feel humiliated, and I feel extremely depressed. This is all so hard, and it is all hell. I know lots of others have been through it, too, but this is my first time. My life is about to completely change. The important relationships in my life may change, too. Last night I took an extremely strong sleeping tablet, but that didn't prevent me from waking up at 3:00 am in a fit of humiliation, depression, and anger. And it just continues today.

I went into the office late last night and cleared all of my things out. I will have my mobile phone and Internet links for two more weeks, then it is all gone. I can tell you it's one strange feeling to walk into the building for the last time. To badge through the doors, knowing that the badge will only work a short time longer. To know that I no longer belong in a place that was my single greatest motivator in life.

I packed all my stuff up, and with a heavy heart, I left.

Partner Unit had a heck of a time on his hands last night. I cried most of the day yesterday. The slightest thing would make me cry.

Him (standing by the doorway): Honey, do you want some coffee?
Me (burst into tears): Coffee. I drank that nasty work coffee every day for
almost five years! Now it's no more!

Him: Honey, do you want to go to the gym with me tomorrow?
Me (burst into tears): No more boxing classes for me, that's the company gym!

Him (walking into the room): Honey, can I call you often tomorrow?
Me (burst into tears): You might as well, soon we will have to pay for cell phone calls ourselves.

Him (turning on news and seeing Michael Jackson's arrest pending): Honey, are you crying because you feel that you are on trial soon too?
Me (in tears): No, it's Michael Jackson's nose. It's so weird, it upsets me!

And so it goes. Mostly, I am in a state of shock. Dear Mate and Best Friend have been phenomenal as well, and I love them to bits for it. Dear Mate has been sending me job links and helping me with logistics, and I think I would be lost without him. He also told me that although life is hell right now, me joining Company X to begin with was the best thing that has ever happened to him, since he and I then met. It now takes the cake as the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. And yes, it made me cry.

I have chosen an unemployment program that will pay me until the end of May. I will not be allowed to return to Company X for a year, but then they have yet another round of cuts coming the first half of 2004, so it's not an issue anyway.

And in one final "fuck you, Helen", I got the minimum package from the work Union since I am not 30 years old and have not been working for Company X for 5 years.

I am 29 years and 7 months.
I have been working for Company X for 4 years and 9 months.

Nice.

Anyway, I know I should relax and enjoy the time off, but I have begun job hunting. I have to. There are many more people in the job market all competing for jobs. And as I have said in previous posts, I want to stay in Sweden due to my ongoing therapy, and if I leave, it is likely the end of Partner Unit and I. But if I cannot find a job here, then move on I will. The heat is on. In the meantime, I have dusted off the novel that I have been working on for a bit, and may give it a go again.

I simply have to try to hold it together.

To those that have emailed me: thank you so incredibly much. Your very kind emails have been so touching and they mean a lot to me. That, and thanks for the job links, Brass, you have me fantasizing about being a snow bunny (let's just hang on to that image for a sec....ah....nice). I will respond tout suite to your mails.

And to everyone who has commented here: I am overwhelmed. Your kindness, support, wishes for good luck, and concern have made me cry buckets (but the good tears, I swear). Ironically, it was something Courtney said-I am actually considering school again as a possibility. I loved learning new things, and if I get a position, I will try to go back to school part time.

But above all, it is nice to hear from my long-time commenters and friends, and all the new people speaking up for the first time. I can't believe so many people want to read about the ordinary rants of an extraordinary nutball, and you are making me tear up again just from my immense gratitude. Dammit.

I feel like Sally Field's Oscar aceptance speech. "You like me! You really like me!"

I can see it now in a Mitty-ism. I walk up to a grand podium, dressed in a long, black backless number. My hair looks good (that's a biggie), I have on lots of sparkly things, and I am crying as a thunderous blog audience gives me a standing ovation. As I get to the stage, Jim hands me a statue of Freud. Crying, I take it and hug him, then turn to the blog readers.

"You like me! You really like me!" I cry, throw a bunch of air kisses off, and then as I turn to walk away, I trip over the length of my dress and wind up accidentally ramming Freud's head in my mouth. I turn, and Jim looks paralyzed with both fear and amusement. As I haughtily remove said bust from my lips, I turn to him and say:

"Jim, sometimes a statue is just a statue."

Exit stage right.

-H.

PS- tomorrow's post is a "coming out" bit that I have been preparing for for a while. I think, in light of the job loss, that it's time to reveal it.

PPS-to Joey, Jim, Simon, Ron and Ilyka, who all have "revealed" who Company x is, thanks for the laughs. I guess it's obvious who Company X is, but I don't want to say the name here on this site since I don't want Google to be able to find my site. But all I have to say is this: my next phone will be a Nokia.

Gotta' go. Tears again.

Posted by Everydaystranger at November 20, 2003 11:21 AM | TrackBack