This weekend hasn't gone as expected thus far. The good news is I have showered daily, although my long hair (my picture on my sidebar is a bit older) hasn't been washed in 4 days, and may soon have its own heartbeat. The bad news is I just put the same pajamas on that I have been wearing since I lost my job on Wednesday.
But they're big, flannel Victoria's Secret ones, so I should be excused.
I must confess this weekend has not been easy. For example, witness the text message I sent Dear Mate on Friday night after a bottle or Perequita and three hours of "The Two Towers-the Extended Version":
"This is as good as it gets. I don't get to marry and live with the love of my life. I don't have a job. I don't have children, a daughter named Eleanor or a son named Matthew. I don't have anything I want or yearn for. I am alive, and that's as good as it gets. That's all life is. A constant fuck you."
Ooh...when Helen goes to the dark side, she really goes dark.
And I was planning on doing some Christmas shopping today, but the weather is miserable, and frankly I don't feel like going outside today. I have lost a bit of weight, and truthfully is the idea of food is thoroughly unappealing.
Hello Darkness my old friend...I've come to meet with you again...
All is not totally lost. The good news is I thought of a plotline for a new book. I have 2 and a half books written thus far, and this one is a totally new idea. Actually, the book is almost writing itself-it's all I can think about and am having problems pushing my ideas out of my brain fast enough.
It sure beats thinking about work.
I thought of it last night while on my second Grolsch and watching "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones" (now that's really depressed, if you sit there and watch that shit). An idea came to me, and it has me really excited (no, not that kind of excited). I am calling it "The Clock" in my head, let's see what becomes of it.
I tried to treat myself last night-I put fresh sheets on the bed. I usually change the sheets every Sunday, but wanted to feel fresh linens against my skin, to slide in under the covers and feel just myself against the cool sheets, to twist my bare legs in the duvet covers. I lit a fire in the fireplace in the bedroom, and read a book that always makes me laugh ("The Only Boy For Me", by Gil McNeil). I took three sleeping tablets, which only sort-of worked, and I had a nice round of relf-relations last night, imagining Mr. Y being face down between my legs.
I slept for a few hours, and then when I woke up, I tried another round of interfering with myself (orgasms make me sleepy. I'm like a guy in that respect, so I never bitch when the guy falls asleep just after sex, since I usually have beat him to the Land of Nod) but not only did it not make me sleepy, it didn't make me orgasm.
That's right. I'm so broken I can't even play with myself properly. Sheesh.
So I'm up now, and will go make some coffee, sit on the couch, and watch tv. And work on my book. And hate Company X and wish I. Could. Just. Get. Some. Fucking. Sleep.
-H.
PS-my web management skills have completely gone down the toilet (hmm...much like my career). If you are a regular visitor here and I do not have you linked but you would like to be, please let me know in the comments here (I had all the sites written on a piece of paper at work, which was purged along with the rest of my "Good riddance Company X cleanout last week).
one day at a time, you can do anything for one day... :0)
Posted by: shortt at November 24, 2003 03:32 PMBeth-when it happens, you have a place to rant here!
*straightening my tie and putting on a big salesman grin*-Absolutely, Miss Jean, I would love to be your designated drinker for the holidays! ...Love you too, ma'am.
Posted by: Helen at November 24, 2003 08:14 AMHelen, dear, s'long as they're VS jammies, seems like you can wear them all the way thru your weekend in the pit without worry! And it just wouldn't be a proper wallowing if you washed your hair...
As to the love of your life and job and Eleanor and Matthew... well, I'm feeling you there. But'cha still got time to go for most of that. (I'm 44, the love of my life is married and living 2000 miles away, I can't work -- much as I want to, and I take such meds that if I had a kid it would have 17 arms and 5 eyes! ~sigh~)
Oh. And I can only drink very lightly, like one glass of wine... so, Helen, would you be my designated drinker?
Christmas shopping??? Nah. This is your stay home and wallow in self-pity weekend, remember! So, drink, watch shitty movies (you can't do anything that's actually fun!), have frustrating times with the toys, sigh a lot, take long showers that last 'til the hot water runs out or you turn into a prune, think dark thoughts then text message them to DM, etc. etc. etc. Yeah. I think that about covers it: "Martha Stewart's Guide to Throwing a Pity Party." :))
Love you, hon!
Posted by: jean at November 24, 2003 12:51 AMWe have a thing in my family about naming kids after our own middle names...my middle name is Anne, soooo.... We've ended up with...uh, 5 Steve/Steven/Stephen variants in my family, oddly enough...
Posted by: Courtney at November 24, 2003 12:44 AMI'm about to be unemployed myself - I'm trying to look at it as an extended vacation and reset button for the next year. I know it's hard to fill the time - and even harder when you can't sleep. Hang in there - nothing lasts forever!
Posted by: Beth at November 24, 2003 12:33 AMYou know, Anne used to be my very favorite girl's name, but then I had run-ins with Ann/Anne variants, and now it has become my least favorite name...:(
Posted by: Helen at November 23, 2003 11:32 PM*hugs* Sounds like you're doing the best you can. You are not a rock nor an island - you have people that love you, that you can rely on. Remember that.
BTW, my daughter's name will be Anne, when I get around to her. ;)& Simon and Garfunkel are some of my faves too.
Posted by: Courtney at November 23, 2003 10:56 PMFixed, Brandy. Thanks for having me as a daily read! :=)
Posted by: Helen at November 23, 2003 06:08 PMI hope that everything works out for you! Know that you are never alone.
ps. I'm on your links as The Naked Beef Man, but I have recently moved to the address below :)
Posted by: Brandy at November 23, 2003 05:44 PMThanks for the huggings, you guys.
And Oda Mae, thanks for the laugh:)
Posted by: Helen at November 23, 2003 04:05 PMHey, how sad is this, you're having my perfect day, every day. (See your blog entry below.) Cool. Don't worry, the deepest stuff will lift in about two weeks and you can go from there. In the meantime, get as much sleep as you can, but try to get on a timetable with it. If you haven't come out of it slightly in two weeks, check with the doctor and get some Paxil to get you over the hump. (The fact that you're still writing here is a good sign. I would miss you if you stopped!) On the down side, Paxil does prevent some people from having an orgasm, which would probably put you out on the ledge. Hmm, must re-think this.)
Posted by: Oda Mae at November 23, 2003 02:36 PM(((hugs)))
orgasms usually put me to sleep too! glad i'm not the only one. i'm up far too early as well.
i'm so happy to hear that you are letting your ideas flow out of you. great job!
everything will work itself out. in the meantime, keep treating yourself to little things like clean sheets. treating yourself like a precious object will make you strong.
Posted by: kat at November 23, 2003 12:49 PMI liked your idea about changing the sheets. You're on to something with that. I think when you've lost your job or are down, it's the little things that make a huge difference. A shower. A clean pillowcase. Etc.
Keep on keepin' on!
Posted by: Ron Rapp at November 23, 2003 12:37 PMThose ideas that haunt the mind are some of the few worth writing down. Woo, go Helen.
Posted by: Jamie at November 23, 2003 12:08 PMI am surprised the added scenes with the ''Ents'' in Two Towers didn't do the trick for ya and have ya sawin logs (no pun intended) ;)
Posted by: James at November 23, 2003 10:46 AM