December 05, 2003

Love Versus Software

OK, my love life continues to be very confusing, but let's step away from that and focus on Amsterdam.

No, not the space cake. Actually, I didn't try any of that since my unemployed status could lead to drug testing before a job is offered, and the excuse "My life sucks a clown's ass so I needed to get high on some dodgy brownies" will not fly. (Weird but true fact: I have never been high. Always wanted to give it a try, but never had the chance. I would especially like to try Ecstasy. Hell, if I can masturbate five times in one weekend, what could I do on that stuff? Take on the Swedish Navy?)

Anyway. I went to dinner with my American friend Karen, her Dutch boyfriend, and about 5 other Dutch friends of theirs. Karen, Bernadette (the only other woman) and I all wound up sitting together at one end of the table, throwing down what they call "white beers" (which I believe are "wheat beers". I don't actually know if this is true, and if beer can be made of wheat, but I assume where there's a will, there's a way).

Now, Karen's boyfriend and his friends all work in IT. Bernadette works in insurance, and Karen works in training. I turned to Bernadette out of interest and asked her how much I would be worth, in terms of life insurance.

Bern: OK, mid-thirties, HIV-positive, we would be looking at-
Me: What? I'm not HIV-positive.
Bern: OK, but say you were.
Me: But I'm not. Not that I have any problem with anyone who is. I just personally am not. You include that in your quotes? I thought infection rates were down.
Bern: They are. It's just a quote, Helen. OK, mid-thirties, HIV-negative-
Me: I'm 29.
Bern: Well, mid-thirties.
Me: What? HELLO! I'm 29!
Bern: We won't insure you.

Hmm. Ok. Either cause I'm a picky bitch or not mid-thirties and HIV positive, I guess.

As the evening progressed, it was clear the differences between men and women. As more beer was applied to the situation, the commonalities between the men camp and the women camp disappeared. Where once we went from bonding over the BBC's "Office" tv show, "Six Feet Under", and our mutual hatred for Hugh Grant (although all of the women folk agreed secretly that yes, we would fuck him), we immediately went from women topics versus men topics.

Aka love vs. software.

We focused on identifying the little gestures that can be defined as love (a tip from my blog), marriage, and romance.

They focused on the best upgrade packages they have used, how to go about finding a real first edition Pac-Man video game, and the glory that is X-Box.


Bern: When my husband was overseas for a year on business, I missed him terribly. When he came back, he threw himself into my arms and proposed on the spot. We married the next month, and I know not that I cannot be without him.
Karen and I nodding, misty-eyed: That's love.


Boy 1: Then when I installed the package, I found I could go through the other command system and view hidden messages of downloaded porn.
Boy 2 and 3: That's good software.


Karen: When I walked into the house, ready for a fight because I was so grumpy and tired, I found he had cooked dinner, cleaned the whole house, and he got me a glass of wine and a massage and then he provided me with oral pleasure.
Bern and I: That's love.


Boy 2: I noticed the frightening dearth of entertaining low-programmed games. Remember the days of pong? So simple, and yet so elegant in its design.
Boy 1 and 3: That's good gaming.


Me: And I look at the gifts he has given me, and I think that some of the most special ones were the different ones. He bought me an expensive pair of sneakers once since he wanted my feet to be warm and safe and protected. It seems strange to think of a guy buying you expensive sneakers, but he honestly cared.
Bern and Karen: That's love. Totally.


Boy 3: And I found that this site can provide you with software that you can download directly to the phone, and upgrade the system to remove the network branding options.
Boy 1 and 2: That's good phone-age.

And so on.

And as the beers continued, we got more and more sappy, and then naturally transitioned to the sex part, which is where we got the men's attention again.

Of course.


Posted by Everydaystranger at December 5, 2003 09:56 AM | TrackBack

To answer the first half of the beer question (the second being whether beer can be made from wheat), yes, white beer is wheat beer.

And for the women vs. men topics: you can usually find me talking with the women - most sport does nothing for me and I have sufficient amounts of software woes at work that dragging this stuff into my spare time is usually a big NO. I am geeky, but I am not that geeky.

And you better not try what ilyka did when I'm in a conversation, I *will* here this. OTOH, feel free to demolish the house around me while I read a good book. ;-)

Posted by: Gudy at December 8, 2003 09:09 PM

Back to on top thing
TRY this kneel on all fours on the floor and place a mirror directly where your partners face would be, you may be shocked to find you look like you’ve just aged ten years ..ho ho
(sorry error below)

Posted by: paul at December 6, 2003 07:35 PM

Back to the on top thing
TRY this

Posted by: paul at December 6, 2003 07:32 PM

OK, why do I have to... er.. come in when the comments turn to "on top" vs. other? This, like, *rilly* doesn't help when the batteries are low and I don't feel like going anywhere on this cold, damp, grey day! Ya'll are soooooo cruel. Mmmmmmm... on top.... yeah.....

Jim, what about the reverse modified transverse spoon, with a half twist... heh

Posted by: jean at December 6, 2003 01:12 AM

I'm all about the lazy Susan and doggie. Penetration sans compare. On top's ok, but when he's too big - ouch. I mean, do I really need a bruised cervix?

Okay, time to stop leaving comments when I'm hopped up on Excedrin Migraine. It's probably not as fun for everybody else!

Posted by: Kaetchen at December 5, 2003 11:19 PM

Woman-on-top rocks!! Us girls get the eye contact we like, and the guy get an eyeful (er, or handful or mouthful) of my ta-tas. Plus, I also get to control the depth of penetration as well as the grindage factor. And if you're the type of gal to "take matters into your own hands," so to speak, this position makes it super-easy, and most guys get fascinated when a woman touches herself and he gets to watch (and hopefully learn as well!). Just realized recently (thanks to an amazing partner) how much I enjoy this position. Thought it would make me self-concious, but actually had the exact opposite reaction. Hmmm... methinks Helen was on the right track - time to make a "playdate" with myself!! ;)

Posted by: curious onlooker at December 5, 2003 09:14 PM

A little sex talk always perks up a mans ears.

Posted by: pylorns at December 5, 2003 08:24 PM

Or the modified transverse spoon.

I think my Geek Detector just blew up.

Posted by: ilyka at December 5, 2003 07:17 PM

Hey! What about the spoon? I love the spoon. Or the modified transverse spoon. That's a kick and a half, I tell you what.

Posted by: Jim at December 5, 2003 06:54 PM

Ha! I have no idea how to fix the map.

But Kyle, dearie, I am really not a fan of the woman on top position, sorry! I'm a traditional position woman. Or scissors. Or lazy-stlye. Or doggie. Or....damn. Think I need to go play with myself now.

Posted by: Helen at December 5, 2003 06:17 PM

Help me out here. Can't seem to post on your map but can you put me right (where we all want to be) UNDER YOU...

Posted by: Kyle at December 5, 2003 06:04 PM

I always thought ot weizen as a wonan's beer. Not that I really have an opinion on that one way or the other, it just seemed like the wine cooler of the beer world. I'm more of a booze guy myself. I think I just grew up thinking that for some reason. I blame my parents.

Posted by: Guinness at December 5, 2003 06:02 PM

Envy my life more!

My office is right underneath the Karltenburg Kastle, a German brewery transplanted from there to here. They have a great wheat beer but there Dunkel kicks ass. Oh, and every Monday it's all you can drink and eat for $20.

Posted by: Brass at December 5, 2003 05:21 PM

many of the small breweries here make wheat beer, and i've had lots of it, never a headache.
better wheat in cda? haha.

Posted by: hilary at December 5, 2003 05:02 PM

On the topic of beer...German wheat beers are available nearly everywhere...weizens on tap are very good. And I guess the question has already been answered that yes, you can make beer using wheat. in fact, you can make beer using any number of grains or other plants.

Some of the most interesting come from this company:

They make traditional beers of ancient Scotland using heather, seaweed, gooseberries, elderberries, spruce and other ingredients. I've had several of their beers and they are very may not sound good but it is interesting. And I love the historical connection.

Posted by: Rob at December 5, 2003 03:45 PM

> And as the beers continued, we got more and more
> sappy, and then naturally transitioned to the sex part,
> which is where we got the men's attention again.

...huh? What? Did you say something? :-)

Posted by: Rob at December 5, 2003 03:38 PM

See? Ilyka, Jim, and Simon have all had similar experiences. It's the men vs. women thing.

And the wheat beer headache? Oh yeah. That was a bad one.

Posted by: Helen at December 5, 2003 03:10 PM

I think if I were you I'd put the Swedish Navy through a selection test.

Your tastes would be more likely attained, and the line'd be a little shorter. You'd be able to leave the house come (er) Monday or Tuesday, I believe instead of the following weekend.


Posted by: hln at December 5, 2003 02:15 PM

Ah! I do what ilyka does all the time. Sometimes though the men-talk gets interesting too, for eg. when I heard the pitch of the men's conversation going really low, and I sneaked up only to hear them discussing one of the girlfriends' titties. I love the dynamics in a mixed male-female gathering. You realise then that man is still a primate (I have the BETTER software, car, software, playstation, job, hunk of meat) whereas woman has moved on. :)

Posted by: Melodrama at December 5, 2003 12:58 PM

Zeroed right in on the beer there, didn't I? Sort of missed the point of the article in my comment, huh? I'll correct that now.

Sex is better than wheat beer. Better than most beers, in fact. But not Stovepipe Porter from the Otter Creek Brewing Company. That's a dark rich epicurian orgasm in a bottle right there.

Posted by: Jim at December 5, 2003 10:56 AM

Now see, wheat beer is my favorite. Most especially the Weizen (wheat) beer I get in Germany.


They have HefeWeizen here in the states which is okay, but not as good as true Weizen.

Posted by: serenity at December 5, 2003 10:55 AM


The key part is for the man closest to the women folk to keep half an ear out on what the women-folk are saying, and then sneak that into the men-folk conversation at times the women are busy sighing "That's love." Yes, this is our dirty secret. We hear everything you say.

It's just we don't care. Footy, Xbox, basic male bonding. It's all so primeval and vital. Of course we switch back when the talk returns to sex. Every male out for a group dinner is hoping all the women-folk have been talking about love and sex and thus are ready to get jiggy with it when they get home. Our other secret.

Posted by: Simon at December 5, 2003 10:52 AM

As usual, you kill me. It's so true. The evening you describe reminds me of the first time my boyfriend and I went out with my best friend and the man in her life at that time. My boyfriend and I had been dating a mere three weeks, but I wanted to see if he'd get my best friend's seal of approval.

He did, but at several points during dinner, he and her man would lose themselves in talk of football, glorious football, and my friend started muttering bitchy remarks to me about it.

I said, "I share the sentiment, dear, but look at it this way: it's excellent cover for us to talk about whatever we want. We can say anything and, trust me, they won't even hear it."

She said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "Did I tell you [this guy I'd been messing around with before the boyfriend] and I had one last fling this week, sort of a goodbye present?"

I didn't whisper it or anything. My friend gasped and looked up--but neither of the men had even noticed. They were still busy discussing the Cowboys. She turned back to me and said, "Girl, SPILL IT. I want details."

So I did.

They never heard a word. They never even noticed until finally she and I were laughing so hard at their utter cluelessness that it sort of woke them up.

Posted by: ilyka at December 5, 2003 10:38 AM

There is such a thing as wheat beer. Not my favorite by far. They tend towards sharp tasting and leave me with a fantastic headache, though a decent hefeweizen is very good for drinking while eating.

Stay with porters and bochs. Can't go wrong there.

Posted by: Jim at December 5, 2003 10:35 AM
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