An interesting discovery came up when I was talking to my therapist. He and I kept having mass confusion, until we sorted it out, and I realized that my definitions are a bit wonky.
Basically, when I refer to my family, I am talking about my mother, sister and I. Not my dad or anyone else. It is my mother's defintion, this description of family, and it is one that is almost like a sacred code with my sister and I. The nuclear family in our household are the three women that bonded together to survive some pretty horrible circumstances in our early lives.
My father is not included in that defintion. But nor is he any longer such an outcast.
And I realize it must be hard for the men in our lives. My stepfather, married to my mom for over 11 years now, is not technically part of this definition. Neither are the men in my sister's or my lives. My Grandmother (mother's mother) is more a peripheral part of the family definition. Now, we don't go out of our way to exclude the men or make them feel bad, they are just...seperate. Not part of the war veterans that is the family's early years, they're foot soldiers that came along after the big battles were done to help with the small skirmishes. Or it's like the analogy of the mother lion protecting her cubs, and killing aything that comes near them. And even though the cubs have grown and have dens of their own, it doesn't make it any less feral a situation.
The women in my family are known for many things. We can be moody. We don't talk about our problems. We are ferocious readers and love to laugh. John Denver and the Muppets are the Christma Bible. We are subject to depression. I am perhaps the only one that is too stridently, in-your-face independent, but that's not a characteristic to boast over.
All the women in my family also have one unique feature about us-give us pain medication and we hallucinate like mad. My grandmother had some tests done last night, and she came back from the hospital hyped up on painkillers and muscla relaxers and screaming with laughter. It was hilarious to see her in such a good mood, and we then started comparing notes. Apparently, I am the winner of the hallucination prize as once I thought I was in 7-11 with a reindeer trying to buy beef jerky, and all I kept saying was "Oh thank heaven for 7-11!"
Last night Sister and I got on better than we have in a long time. It's weird-sometimes I think that they see this blog and we all start thinking or something, I don't know. My mother relaxed enough to let me help her take care of the house-she's running ragged taking care of my ill grandmother, and my stepfather just had surgery for a detached retina, so he is basically blind and needs taking care of, too. I think my mother has this attitude of "I can take care of it, I can take care of anything". And I understand and recognize that feeling, since I have it too. But the truth is, none of us can handle everything, and at the end of the day if I do all the laundry, no one for one second will think she dropped the ball.
My God, I think that woman can carry a fucking boulder, not once would I think she dropped the ball.
This morning as she headed to take my grandmother to yet another doctor, she stopped and asked if maybe just she and I could do lunch. She looked tired but pretty in a pale pink sweater, her eyes searching mine to see if I liked that idea. And I felt a big smile on my face and I replied that I would love that. And she hugged me and I smelt the familiar green tea scent and the softness of her cheek, and I knew that sometimes grown/up lionnesses still need to venture back home to mom, for a cup of reassurance.
-H.
PS-I love Oda Mae's suggestion of getting drunk with my sister, so I am buying a few bottles of wine to do so now. And if that fails, Jennifer, Ilyka, and Mitzi-brace yourselves, darlings!
Posted by Everydaystranger at December 23, 2003 03:52 PM | TrackBackI had another epiphany while having a tantrum in the kitchen last night (after my husband didn't want to help put up the nativity scene and made a face when I made him turn off Thunderbirds for Classical Christmas FM). No matter how much we deny it, we all have patterns from our childhood, some ritualistic thing that makes Christmas Christmas.
And my husband, being an only child from New Zealand, is completely clueless about my Georgia traditions. So I ended up in a meltdown over nothing in the kitchen and he's scratching his head. I am managing to communicate brilliantly though - told him I'd had a rotten two weeks of hell, and I wanted to be pampered like a seven year old child, especially since we were staying in Germany for the holidays and it was just the two of us. I DEMAND HOT CHOCOLATE and CHRISTMAS MUSIC!! Oh, and the bottle of wine helped as well. He's even agreed to watch The Christmas Story with me while the goose is cooking. (one tradition for me, one for him.)
Now the buildup (or letdown, whichever way you see the glass) is over and we can all relax. Have a great rest of your holiday and I'm glad the family stuff finally clicked.
Posted by: Oda Mae at December 25, 2003 09:59 AMMerry Christmas, you guys!
Posted by: Helen at December 24, 2003 02:39 PMMerry Christmas Helen
Posted by: Ted at December 24, 2003 02:23 PMI love scent of this page
Posted by: arvin (a clown from persia) at December 24, 2003 02:00 PMMerry Christmas, Helen. :-)
Posted by: Jim at December 24, 2003 10:24 AMYou can be psychologically healthy without having every issue in you life resolved. Not everything needs to be analyzed out of you. If she doesn't include her father in her family, she will have a reason for that and it doesn't have to be some deep, dark secret tucked away in her brain somewhere. She acknowledges it, that's enough for now. She is quite capable of rational thought. Lighten up you guys.
Posted by: irene at December 24, 2003 08:51 AMHelen-
I'm glad that you're getting along well with your family, enjoy your time with them as best you can. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.
People, people. Helen already has a therapist. So, Joe, lighten up. While I don't know her more than anyone else who regularly reads the blog, I can tell that Helen doesn't look at her relationship with her family as a metaphor for the feminist struggle, or the root cause of "a large portion of the family problems in society." She tells us (mostly total strangers) her inner feelings, because she doesn't have an outlet for them in her real life. We give her encouragement. That's the deal. With respect, leave the politics and the psychobabble at home.
And, yeah, ok, Jim reads it for the sexy entries (and, yeah, ok, so do the rest of us.) But the rest of what I said still holds.
Posted by: Jiminy at December 24, 2003 04:44 AMHi Average Joe and Helen,
Joe, I'm seeing what your are saying and I believe Helen, you are beginning to probe and think about it. I didn't comment because I didn't want to speculate; maybe wait and see what Helen may write in another blog entry. This entry is a very fun read but "the definition" did start me thinking about certain young ladies that interested me in the past and wonder if they have this same definition and could it be why they flirted but became un-approachable when I approached.
I immediately felt prejudged and that they could not believe there are men different than the ones they already know well, either as family or PU's(BTW, I dislike this term). Or maybe I was just sensitive to the moment(s) and should view these "Ahh, I got you to approach/now I can slap you" cock teases more in terms used by Don of Anger Management in his "26 things that piss me off":-) I'm still smiling after just reading it!
Average Roger
Posted by: Roger at December 23, 2003 08:28 PMYour comments about not including the men in your lives as "part of family" is something you should spend a great deal of time thinking about. This condition is pandemic in the modern female psyche and is responsible for a large portion of the family problems in society.
Imagine reversing this description, and having it written by a man.
"Basically, when I refer to my family, I am talking about my Father, brother and I. Not my mother or anyone else. It is my Father's defintion, this description of family, and it is one that is almost like a sacred code with my brother and I. The nuclear family in our household are the three men that bonded together to survive some pretty horrible circumstances in our early lives."
Any woman who read this paragraph would immediately see this as a very sick and twisted situation. How can any child be psychologically healthy when they don't include one of their parents, or anyone of that gender, in their definition of family?
What distresses me most about this post, and it's responses is that no one else has pointed this issue out. Feminism started out as a wonderful equalitarian movement, one that I and most men support. But the current version of it has perverted the original vision, so much so that the above mentioned definition of "family" doesn't even raise an eyebrow anymore. We've had this definition of "family" rammed down our throats for so long that it doesn't even register a blip on our radar anymore.
Helen, I want you to try something. For one week I want you to write down your opinions on gender, race, age and political matters. Then at the end of the week I want you to go through them and reverse the roles in them (switch man to woman etc...). Wait another week and get them out and read them. If they offend you, then you need to spend some time working on those issues.
Average Joe
Posted by: average joe at December 23, 2003 07:15 PMOfftopic. Just as a public service reminder becareful what you blog
http://www.newsday.com/news/local/newyork/nyc-blog1223,0,6581226.story?coll=ny-nynews-headlines
Posted by: Drew at December 23, 2003 06:15 PMJean-how's Luuk enjoying Alabama? I am sure you are showing him a great time! She has a slipped disc in her back, so they will likely operate to repair it. She's in masses of pain, so it was nice last night when she got a respite from it with the meds.
Marie and Amyt-Merry Christmas to you, too!
Posted by: Helen at December 23, 2003 05:45 PMHey, yeah, getting drunk with sis and singing along with JD and the Muppets sounds like tha thang! What a blast, and you can talk about things drunk that are verboten sober...
I like the idea of her coming to visit you in Europe sometime, too.
Have a great lunch with mom, and I hope the docs figure out what's wrong with grandma. What are her symptoms?
Posted by: jean at December 23, 2003 05:04 PMThere is nothing better to bond with than alcohol. I see belting out John Denver and the Muppets songs at the top of your lungs later this evening. I hope it all goes great for you, because you deserve it. And I'm glad you are getting on so well with your family. Merry Christmas, Helen!
Posted by: amy t. at December 23, 2003 04:47 PMIt was insightful how you wrote,
" My God, I think that woman can carry a fucking boulder, not once would I think she dropped the ball."
Just as you get reassurance from your mother, I bet she would love to hear you say that. Additionally,the love for your sister shines through this post. Merry Christmas.