Ok, well I am back now from my ferry trip to Estonia, and more on the lovely city of Tallinn later, but things have gotten very, very weird at home first.
Partner Unit came to pick me up from the ferry boat, and he waited for me outside of customs. I walked out of customs without seeing him or him seeing me, and headed for the car. When I discovered he wasn't there, I rang him.
It was like a bomb going off.
He shows up within minutes, livid. "Where the fuck have you been?" he screams at me.
Now, I had spent the whole evening before in a state of severe fucked up seasickness. I had had a miserable evening and was tired. I didn't understand what he was talking about. "What?" I asked. "I just got off the boat."
Him (screaming): The fuck you did! I was waiting outside of customs. There was no way I could have missed you. So where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?
Me: I have been in Tallinn and just got back! What are you talking about?
Him: You have NOT been to Estonia. Who have you been with and where have you been?
We get in the car. I pull out my boarding card, my room key card, and my passport to show him the Estonian stamps.
Me: See? I just got off the boat. See the customs stamps? The boarding card? You just missed me from the boat, that's all.
Him: Right. I don't believe you for one second. You're a liar.
Then it was a bomb going off on me.
Me: you're joking, right? You can't be serious. I just got off a boat, and I have all this proof, and you don't believe me? Well that's just too bad, since I just came from Tallinn, from that enormous boat right there, and you just have to believe me.
Him: Well I don't. I don't know where you've been, but it wasn't to Estonia.
I angrily slide my mushy muddy boots off, and some brown snow slings onto the dashboard. He snaps.
Him: Wipe that off my dashboard! IMMEDIATELY!
Me (feeling my knees lock up with stubbornness): I will in a second. First, I want you to admit I was on the boat.
Him (turning and screaming directly in my face): You are a fucking bitch. FUCKING BITCH!
And it made something inside of me snap. I should have been angry, sad or scared. But I am done feeling that way when he gets angry. I felt a laugh bubble up and pour out of my mouth, a freedom from fear that I have when he gets angry. I felt suddenly light and exonerated.
Him: do you wanna' hit me? Do you?
Me (turning to look at him and slowly wiping off the snow): Nope. I'm not like you.
We finally get home (not without him threatening to throw me out of the car several times), and discussed breaking up. I will take the dog, he takes the cats. The house will be posted on the market soon. He will keep most of the property.
There is one caveat-Dear Mate is staying with us for a few days, which I am so grateful for (although he was supposed to stay until next Monday, and I am quite sad that he won't be here then). So we went grocery shopping and wound up getting into it, and we decided that we would wait and see what happens when I get a job. But more or less we don't really have what it takes to make a relationship work.
All that we didn't say was: It's over.
But that day is coming.
So I will celebrate New Years tonight with Partner Unit, Dear Mate, three bottles of champagne and masses of fireworks. I will end the worst and best year of my life-I tried to kill myself. I lost my job. My marriage is over. I met Mr. Y again. I found that I am stronger than I ever thought. I realized how dearly I love my family.
But I am not sad. Instead, it's time to start living again.
Happy New Years, everyone.
-H.
Oh, and by the way...if he thinks slush is sooo bad on his precious widdle dashboard, he'd have lots of fun with me. My last move would be to smear the words "Fuck you, asshat" from one end of the dashboard to the other with a fragrant combination of horse, cow, dog, cat, rat, rabbit and parakeet shit.
(This is sooo wierd. I usually looove men. But, this guy fills me with pure hatred. One reason is because of how he treats you when he knows full well the shit you've been through. I guess the other reason is because, like I said...I love men. And, he ain't one. He's a mealy-mouthed bully jerkwad.)
I really do hope you have a happier year, this year. I love ya, Lady.
By the way, that asshole needs his balls yanked off and made into earrings. You can let him know, if ya want to, that there's a female here in the States that would just loooove to meet him. I have this axe handle, see and I need to beat the ever-lovin' SHIT outta something or somebody. He qualifies as a 'thing'. Tell him to come try that shit with me. What a fucknozzle he is. Dump his ass, please. He deserves a cunt. He DOES NOT deserve a woman like you.
Posted by: Stevie at January 3, 2004 07:12 PMHappy new year to you, Helen!
Sounds like you're off on a fresh start already, so here's hoping things turn out great for you.
Posted by: Gudy at January 3, 2004 05:10 PM2003 seems to have been great for you. If you can go through all that and still feel strong, you're so ready for anything that this year can offer! Way to go! Happy new beginnings :)
Posted by: Leela at January 2, 2004 08:10 AMPartner Unit is an asshat. One with a guilty conscience.
Happy New Year from near Chicago.
Posted by: Patrick at January 2, 2004 03:47 AMWow. It sounds like there's a lot going on with Partner Unit that hasn't made it to the blog. For him to miss you on the boat and assume you've been off fooling around with someone else - does he know about Mr. Y?
I hope you survived New Year's. Here's hoping for a cheerier 2004.
Posted by: David at January 1, 2004 07:54 PMHere's my wish for you: the very best in 2004...You definitely are ready for it!!! We all love you and are rooting for you. Thank you for all the things you bring into our lives.....
Posted by: Mitzi at January 1, 2004 07:28 PMHey Helen.. however the year may have gone for you.. you have that throb deep within.. LIFE.
You have love, jest, audience, I dont know what for life.
You are amazing.. especially the way you described such disturbing things in such a light manner.. that laugh while in the car.. (not w/o him threatening to..).. what can I say.. I wish everyone in the world would be like you.
Posted by: Lucidly Awake at January 1, 2004 12:20 PMHelen,
It is time for you to start living again, and I'm glad I'll be around to see it as it happens! All my best to you in the new year!
Happy New Year H! All the best for 2004. The last post was not fun to read, but I think you're better off without PU. That behaviour is just not done.
Posted by: Melodrama at January 1, 2004 05:07 AMWow. Just...wow. What a way to realize which way you're pointed, H. I wish you all happiness! Get away from that git as soon as possible. Not on the boat, my fat ass!!
Posted by: Kaetchen at January 1, 2004 04:05 AMMy New Year's present to you: I will share John Cusack with you for one night. But then I get him back! Cheers, baby.
Posted by: Carlene at January 1, 2004 01:32 AMHappy New Year Helen!
I'm not too fond of 2003 either. You've gotta fresh new year and room to make a new start in many aspects of your life. Grab life by the tight 'n' curlies and don't let go.
Posted by: Joey at January 1, 2004 12:17 AMI'm generally against ending a marriage, and would hope you've tried everything before getting to that point, but staying in an abusive relationship of any kind can be hazardous. Statistics show that the best chance you have of making a marriage succeed is the one you're in, so be careful before ending one prematurely. Each level of marriage is generally less successful than the previous one according to statistics. More 2nd marriages end in divorce than 1st marriages, more 3rd marriages end in divorce than 2nd marriages, and so on.
I hope for you a wonderful 2004! I've only been reading your blog for a month or so, but you appear to be a "free spirit". Is that true, or have I not read enough to get an accurate assessment.
Your style of writing is witty, engaging, and very enjoyable. Just thought I'd let you know I've enjoyed reading about you.
Posted by: Grubb at December 31, 2003 10:32 PMI hated to read that, but I was also happy. I hate that you go through that BS but there's a resolution coming and that's all I ever wanted for you.
Have a good evening Helen and I'll see you on the other side...
Posted by: Rob at December 31, 2003 10:10 PMCheers, Helen!
Posted by: Don at December 31, 2003 09:54 PM::clinks glasses::: I'll joining you in escorting 2003 off the stage and welcoming 2004 with open arms...
Posted by: Drew at December 31, 2003 09:36 PMMy first response was "YOU GO GIRL". You deserve the best in life, and you deserve to KNOW that you deserve it.
I also remembered that 2 years ago I cut my mousey brown always long hair into a spikey cut, coloured it red with blond highlights and i experienced it as liberating and empowering. Hair gets us all caught up in how others see us and when I let that go by cutting my hair, I felt free. And mind you, I was 49 when I did it.... so.... YOU GO GIRL!
hugs to you
Posted by: Patricia at December 31, 2003 08:58 PMHappy New Year H,
It doesn't matter how many times we fall down in life. All that matters is that we keep getting back up!
Take care of yourself, little flame.
PC
Posted by: Paul USA at December 31, 2003 07:14 PMYou go, girl!! I'm with you all the way, honey. I just got back from buying totes at Wal-Mart to pack all my belongings up in. (yes, yes, I know Wal-Mart is the root of all evil, but 70L of containment for $2.46 is not to be sneezed at!) The question is - do I stay here tonight? Let's go on vacation! ;)
Posted by: Courtney at December 31, 2003 06:55 PMHappy New Year :-) I sincerely hope 2004 blows 2003 out of the water for you!
Posted by: Chris at December 31, 2003 06:49 PMGet busy livin or get busy dyin. Healthy Happy New Year.
Posted by: Kyle at December 31, 2003 06:02 PMSee, it all goes back to the hair. Cut your hair, freedom from other crap in life. I love that you laughed. That had to piss him off incredibly. He sounds like a smeg sack lately.
I wish for you an upcoming year of new discoveries, adventures, laughter, joy, and love. xxx
Posted by: Sarah at December 31, 2003 04:48 PMGood for you. That moment... the one when all of a sudden laughter sets you free... It is truly a beautiful moment. You have one of the best outlooks on life I've ever seen, and I know you will take the world by storm in 2004. Happy New Year, H.
Posted by: amy t. at December 31, 2003 04:27 PMYou tried to kill yourself?!!!
No judgement here but I personally can't imagine why anyone would consider suicide.
As someone said on another blog, you can always reinvent yourself somewhere else if life ever gets that shit. End one life in a way that starts another one, not ends it for good.
p.s. are you sure you were on the boat? You sound uncertain ;)
Posted by: Cheekysquirrel at December 31, 2003 04:12 PMwell you go girl, sounds like you are well on your way to a wonderful 2004. t
Posted by: shortt at December 31, 2003 03:33 PMhappy new years to you dear girl. feels like this year is going to be a stellar one for you! *smooch!*
Posted by: kat at December 31, 2003 03:27 PMI'm almost afraid to say something like, "This year is BOUND to be better," because it might put the jinx on the whole thing. But the sentiment is there. You've gone through a lot, and come out the other side, bruised, but not broken. That says quite a bit about you, and your strength, and resolve. About PU, and that ending, my only question is why you put it on the list of bad things that happened to you this year. But you know how I feel about that.
All in all, party it up tonight...and have a HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Posted by: Jiminy at December 31, 2003 03:27 PMHey, welcome back and get out there and grab some girl. Life's for living not burying yourself in distress. You are one cool bird!
Posted by: zeno at December 31, 2003 03:16 PMHappy New Year! I'm sorry to hear about the fight, but it may just be the best way to clear up everything from this past year. I hope 2004 is great for you!
Posted by: amber at December 31, 2003 02:47 PMPU has a temper. Here's to 2004 - a better year!
Posted by: Jay at December 31, 2003 02:44 PMIs there an echo in here? Sorry Pixy!
Posted by: Clancy at December 31, 2003 01:41 PMHappy New Years Helen. This one is BOUND to be better!!!
And thanks for sharing your writing with us over the last year. It's been an interesting ride from this side of the keyboard too...
Posted by: Clancy at December 31, 2003 01:40 PMHappy New Year, Helen. I'm glad Dear Mate could be there with you for the celebration. I'll toast you at 7 my time. Or would that be 8? Damn, can never keep those time zones in order.
Posted by: Jim at December 31, 2003 12:37 PMHappy New Year! This one is bound to be better.
How was Estonia?
Posted by: Pixy Misa at December 31, 2003 11:52 AMIt seems to me you have a perfect chance for a fresh new start :) Go Helen! The world is all there waiting for you. HAPPY NEW YEAR
Posted by: nisi at December 31, 2003 11:31 AM