Everyday Stranger

Helen,

I loved the story. It seemed that there was quite a bit of *you* in that story. All the regulars know what I'm talking about.

As for rant-boy...well, there's no law that says that a person can't be stupid in public.

Good luck with the job interviews and the citizenship. I know you'll keep us informed.

I went looking for the reference on the Say Anything blog but wasn't able to find it. What I did find were lots and lots and lots of ads.

I saw the Why I Hate Blogs rant from the wanker. Its comical in its own self importance. There was a long and kind of funny thread about it on Metafilter a week or two ago. In fact, here it is.

Thanks for the great feedback, guys! I have much to think about.

And Roger-I need to think about your questions for a bit, but one I have an answer to-I have no idea who my target audience is. But then again, I never really knew who my audience would be for my blog, either, but I am lucky enough to have one :)

Hi Helen,
I ready 'Central Station' and kept reading it so that is a good sign. I am in the word production business so generally know what will sell and what will not. I think the strength of your blog is that it is honest---people
(including myself ) cling to every post and want to interact with you. Now, as a self assignment, if you could take the 'Central Station' characters and somehow put the story into your own words, such as you do in your blog, not necessarily change from a 3rd person to 1st person, but less narrative and more...ummm honestly you...then you'd have a best seller on your hands or at least a damn good read. Don't follow a formula at this point in the game. Do that which you know. Your story line is great...now just sit down and kick it out...no sweat...I have faith in your abilities.

Hi Helen,

Finally got to reading your released first-pass synopsis-style pages and the comments. I've got instead of criticism, questions. Recognise I'm far from a literary guru.

Who is your target reader? Including what will hit a "paying" crowd. I assume sales is part of the goal besides writing being one of your creative talents. It goes with the territory that you worry which is the agony of being creative.

What time and social period is it set in? I'm assuming present day with the places in the pages. I suppose it is not intended as a social commentary or exploration? On the changing norms of our society? I suppose if the answer to my first question does not include male in the demographic, then I should not be commenting:)

Have you seen Ashley Judd's "Someone Like You" flick? Relating to cow mating? There is some truth to it. If Jimmy and Amanda got their freak on in the past, would he feel at this point willing to give up everything for another round? At any time Amanda might suddenly play Lucy with the football when Charlie Brown comes running again? (Lucy is kind of cute but a real pain-in-the-ass when it comes to football;-) There is a lot to give up too. You capitalize the word 'Sin' at a couple of places. Why? Three and counting?

There is a wonderful builtin mechanism where static beauty resulting from genetics is not enough to keep a man's attention; but rather the dynamic ways a woman's face expresses affection to him that captures his attention and eventually his taste in static beauty shifts to her. If Jimmy's wife is a 'smart, sweet level-headed woman' perhaps this mechanism would win out? Maybe you should make her out to be the wife from hell; runs up huge debilitating credit card debt, refuses Jimmy her bed for months/years, gets drunk and does a hit and run with the family car, shoplifts unsuccessfully at SAKS, etc.?

Guess I'm just wanting to read more than a glimpse! Curious about all the other characters; interactions.

The Kim and I photo is worth a thousand words...

In general

What I like
The idea is simple and good for a short story.
The rhytm of the story is nice

What I don’t like
To much standard visualisations – I get bored by another blonde with long hair and brains. You can better make it a black, lame dwarf who smells and then convince me that he loves her. That will take some writing, this is way too easy. This also goes for the campus settings and the weather, it’s too standard.
There is not enough tension in the story between the persons. Why does she asks him there, what does she wants to catch with this encounter. He is too passive, his anger is not there or he is too hollow and cannot feel that. He feels like a not grown person. That’s OK, but then you have to make clear whether she sees that or not. Let her talk like “aged and confused”, that will make a story.

In total it feels like real life, like something you have self experienced. But it is no story, stories are in a certain way larger than life, not muted but raw. If you want to write real life than this is not the setting, the timescale is too short for it. You can write as I can follow this easily, but you shy too much away from the Grand Gesture in the story.
Write is again, but completely in dialog, like a play and don’t visualise things for me if you can’t put it in the dialog.

After I wrote this I read your log some more and I understood that it is basically real life what you are writing. If you do that just write it like the Kim piece you wrote. There you see that the longer timescale works and you don’t visualise so much which makes that a good and much better piece than this one
Furthermore I realised after reading your blog that you are women. That accounts for quite a lot of the standard visualisations of the women in this piece of work. Do remember that men are more complex that you write this one. Or make the story about two women and really use your own experience. And I don’t mean fysical experience as I don’t know what you have done in life but use your ways of thinking to make the relationship visible for me.

O, and do remember, seeing the wrongs is more easy than the good things of a story, but I am not taking the time to write a comment if I had the feeling that you could not write. Go on and spit on my image if you need too, but even Flaubert was completely torn to shreds by his friends before he wrote Madame Bovary.

You're a beautiful writer.

And your writing is good too :-)

I liked your short story. I wish I could write something like that. My weakness is writing. More like my frustration. I can't seem to describe things well. Oh well. Keep it up. Congrats for the blog of the week thingy. Godbless.

The link to the blog-hater was an amusing rant. I really liked the line about a "cinderblock head massage".

The picture of you and Kim is beautiful.

your story sounds like the beginning of a book!! keep it up girly! i was sucked right in!

yes, kim was beautiful. you look so happy in that picture. and i love the red hair on you! ;-)

About the writing: I can relate to that scene very well, so it surely was evocative and all. Still, I may be overly critical, but somehow the scene starts out feeling a bit flat, somehow distanced, and only picks up a bit after he is finished reminiscing.

My gut feeling tells me that the pacing would perhaps be better if things started at the 6th paragraph (They had met...), and then came back to the present - in other words put the first five paras after his memories - especially if this is the start of the tale/book.

There are a few snags and edges in some expressions, e.g. in "Her hair was much shorter maybe" 'much' and 'maybe' together feel a bit contradictory and discordant, but other than that: more please, much more!

And as far as the guy with his irrational, obsessive hatred of blogs goes: he is funny, in a sick and pathetically sad way. And he is best ignored, I think. Heck, even making fun of him would feel like shooting fish in a barrel...

I have no idea what to say except that it's beautiful you got to have the time with someone like that at all.

I come here because I love to read what you write...love to hear how you see things...and sometimes, I leave a bit envious...which I know is wrong...but I'm amazed at some of the things your significant others have said to you.

No one has even come close to uttering some of the things said to you.

As painful as it is, (and as horridly cliche as this is), remember the good times.

How fantastic to have experienced them even if they had to end.

G-d I hope that doesn't sound insensitive...that's not my intention.

In regards to the PSS- Anybody else think it's funny as hell that the guy railing against blogs posted his thoughts on what, for all intents and purposes, is a blog?

See! Great minds think alike.

... and another thing: the comments here are displayed in a weird fashion: on top the latest, and on the bottom the first ones... doesn’t feel right. Sedalina got it better. My opinion, of course. Get that swedish passport!!! Miguel.

Helen,
I usually know right away if I'm going to enjoy whatever I'm reading. If (after the first several paragraphs, or the first chapter) I can't wait to turn the page to find out what's going to happen to the characters, it's usually a good indication that I'm going to like it. The problem here, of course, was that I had no more pages to turn to! If there had been, I'd still be reading and not leaving this comment. I'm intrigued, keep writing.

I haven't yet read the excerpt, as I must sleep, but I just wanted to, as Tiffani did, tell you that Kim was indeed beautiful.

And that other guy -- the fellow suffering from intense sexual frustration-induced internet hostility -- appears to have spent way too much time reading (bad, perhaps) blogs.

"Who reads these weblogs? Nobody!" ..ahah.

I'm going to go now, as it's been 19 hours since my last slumber.

Chin up, sweets. xx

... me again, just read it. Well,... I can´t judge your style or things like that, but the story/episode was a flashback for me. I can relate to it very much. Also found myself wondering if the way you characterized "Jimmy", was somehow a picture of your perfect man... or every girl´s perfect man for that matter. Nevertheless keep up with the writing, good joob. Miguel.

Chin up, little flame. Great picture of you and Kim. He'll never really be gone as long as he's remembered by those that loved him.

Simon nailed it, 'nuff said.

PC

That's REALLY eerie, Tiffani-I had meant to say that on the entry, and in fact perhaps I should update it now-beneath the picture, I meant to write: "Wasn't he beautiful?"

Thanks for the reminder :)

I think I'm getting comment envy. How come you've got twice as many as me? I'm having nightmare flashbacks to the Map War over here. [shudder]

Off to read the excerpt now, take care m'dear.

I'm going to wait to read it until I get home. When I have full concentration. But, I wanted to tell you that Kim was beautiful.

Ouch! And I was in such a good mood until I read that. Actually that's a compliment. You paint a very vivid picture.

When you can take the reader through the roller coaster of emotions you want him to go through and then leave him feeling happy and sad at the same time as you did, you've done well.

I apologize Simon. I was trying to be 1999, so one of the "regulars" could have the honor of being 2000. You can have the autographed picture...someone suggested that as the prize:). As they say on Sports Center, "My bad!"

Besides, my wife would be awfully disappointed (to put it nicely) if I brought home a picture of Helen.

*hugs* Keep on keepin' on, hon.

It was beautiful Helen, the theme being so often repeated and yet it smelt of originality

I liked that Helen..I liked it lots.... it is full of promise and desire and the unknown.... and thats all good stuff :)

Simon said it right, and you got me coming back here almost every day. Hope everything works well for you. Love from the most western point of continental europe, Miguel.

Petal, i really do know how low job hunting can make you. As for everything else, i can only agree with Simon, when you are feeling low, look to all of us! I hope you are feeling a bit better soon.

abs x

I'm not much of a "chick book" kind of guy but what I've read so far sounds pretty good. Maybe that's because I read it out loud?

Seriously, whenever you're feeling down, like today, you just need to check your comments. Look how many people love you in the world, baby. It might not be face to face love, but there's a whole lotta of love in this here blog.

And yes, I'm pissed off I wasn't # 2000. Damn your 35 comments a day.