Everyday Stranger

Jim-thanks for making me the first stop of the day:)

Johnny and Frances-thanks for the kind words. I do feel a bit overwhelmed, actually.

And Larry? 20 years ago I was in 4th grade :)

-That I tried to kill myself (yup, that much is true).
As always I hold judgement on that.. I have though about it enough... There are fates worse then death.. life can be one of them(though you seem to be bouncing back well)

-I am a crazy American (yup, true too.)
All Americans are by definition so.. kind of moot

-I got fired from Company X for abusing my mobile phone (not true. I was cut due to Swedish union laws. And the first person who says that to my face is, in my opinion, "throwing down").
Use a baseball bat saves wear and tear on your knuckles... for me it was "You do not fit the company's image of itself for the future." I worked 3d shift any no one besides the 2nd shift guy and the first shift guy ever SAW me :)

-That I am 28. (wrong. I am 29, and about 3 inches away from being 30.)
Your still young :)

-That I am a looker (I couldn't possibly comment, I think that's objective.)
Dunno... do you tend to keep your eyes open? >G ======
And I am sure various other horrors about my mental condition which are not favorable.

People who don't have little dark horrors and the odd skeleton have never really lived. Its part of being human.

Larry

PS dang..where you were 20 years ago (doh.. texas in highschool :)

PPS A Movie you migh either Really like or totally despise.. is 'Pump up the Volume' Be warned there is a sucide in the movie if you think that would be a problem, though the conditions are (I don't think) anything like what you went through.

PPPPPPS (

I love that poem. Even if it doesn't work out in Europe, you'll find a way. Sink or swim, you seem like a swimmer.

My first blog read of the day and it's 4:00 PM. What's come over me? Damn cable out at home and meetings all day at work. But you know I couldn't call the day complete without a visit here. :)

Didn't read the comments yet so this was all probably said by people less tardy than myself:

Don't forget that he's your dad. He wants you back home and whether he is doing it intentionally or not, that desire is coloring his advice to you.

When all the people around you that know you are telling you good stuff about you, no matter how much you disagree the chances are that they are right and you aren't.

I'm more interested in what Mr.Y responded to those folks that are trash talking. Is he sticking up for you? That's important, dear. Your relationship with his family is his burden at the moment.

Keep that lovely chin up. We're still eating M&Ms for you! :-)

I think I'm going to hope that you dad wants you to come home because he misses you and wants to have you closer and not because he thinks your "fucking up" overseas.

That would suck.

And yeah, its easy to say that your work doesn't define who you are. But without that work, you'd have no food, nowhere to go all day long and it would be harder to introduce yourself, "Hi, I'm Johnny, I, um, hang out."

But the job isn't who you are, its what you do. A distinction that's easy to forget about.

I wish friendship could be easy, as it should be. But we have separate lives. I hate it but it's true. If I could live without fear of doing something wrong (in someone else's eyes) I'd be a much happier person.

Oh, that would be nice :)

Helen, be gentle with yourself. Dealing with either a job change or relationship breakup is difficult; you're doing both at once. (As I am.) My motherly/sisterly advice to myself and to you: It's natural that your feelings are in turmoil, just keep breathing deeply, keep healthy (less drink, more exercise), and deal with things as they happen without anticipating future worries too much. Neither of us will succeed in following this good advice 100%, we should be gentle with ourselves when we fail too!

Take it cautiously with Mr. Y. I've been there and done that--an eight-year relationship that started with me as the "other woman." Sad to say, we never were able to build a healthy strong relationship, and a big part of the reason was the weak foundation we were trying to build on.

I was worried to read in one post that you fear Partner Unit's anger, and in another you quite proudly said that you and Mr. Y have a dominant-submissive relationship ... DING DING DING DING ... that's the sound of the alarm bells going off. Be very careful.

Thanks for the kind words. I understand and enjoyed your comments as well (end of hugfest). I do understand the coed workplace scenario and agree we should be friendly towards and friends with the opposite sex.

But I still contend our BEST friends should be the same sex, because there will never be any temptation to have sex no matter how close we get intellectually. One can't make that claim of the opposite sex. How many romances start up in the work place?

Hi Solomon and folks,

First I like all of your post, Solomon, including these. I do understand what you are saying and have understood your other post as coming from sincerity with experience and you are a good advisor.

I believe it is possible to forsake all others as sexual partners and have friendships. Our open societies have us working coed and I like to see men and women mingle their friendships and for the sake of their work and spouses(sexual partners/lovers) have the friendship on the same axis as they would if the other person is of their same sex. I agree there are people who don't think this way and are looking for affairs. But I've also noticed that the people seeking affairs do not take the time to form a friendship in the work place.

In one scenario, what often happens when a married woman enters a new work environment, she will pick up on all the signals of the males and (if she has a good relationship with her husband) will be describing these interactions to him when she gets home from work. Over time she will pick the ones who aren't approaching her sexually as friends and her husband will know them from her eyes(this can be a lot of fun) and will appreciate that they are friends of his wife who make the work environment safe and equal for her. As time goes on the husband knows that her male friends also are silently her protectors and friends she can rely on not to be sexual and he should be able to feel easier about not being there for her and happy that she has good friends. This does happen albeit I understand your caution. Of course if a woman comes into the work place as a she-devil...

One manager of a business said to me that the hardest group to manage is an all-female secretary pool; can get down right nasty and very counter productive for the company.( Ladies don't flame me too harshly).

Got to go help some people in the snow. I do appreciate the dialog and look forward to some more. Didn't have time to edit this...

Kat and Marie-thanks, darlins. If you think of a good substitute Marie, please do let me know!

Amynah and Kaetchen-I actually think you hit the nail on the head (at least I hope so!) I think my Dad just wants me back in the continental U.S. Even if I am the same distance on a plane, perhaps I just *feel* closer if I am within the borders.

And Kaetchen-I loved what you said, babe. Thanks.

Helen love, you can't do anything about what any of the Wives think about you. At this point, it's too late for that group. Besides, they too are at fragile points in their lives, watching their relationships bust. No one's at their best during those times - as you well know. If they call, listening without expressing an opinion is usually the easiest. It leaves you room to feel what you need to without being engaged in the situation. And lord knows you have enough on your own plate at the moment.

It sounds as if you've made the decision to try and be with Mr. Y (assuming the London move comes off). May I recommend that you also spend some time sans companion, to get your feet back under you and decide what you want for YOU, independent of any partner? Itmight be a very effective way to appreciate yourself - and grieve what you've lost - before getting into another relationship.

Your father wants you home. Why is this not surprising? From a shorter distance you're both easier to console and easier to advise; easier to influence and easier to control. Parents are just people. They're as smart and stupid as the rest of us. My guess is that they want you happy, but probably have an *entirely different* idea of what happy would mean and how you should get there. Maybe a good response would be, "Thank you, Dad, I miss you too, but I'm not ready to come back yet. I'm still working on this life, thank you." It's hard to stop being a parents after being one for so very long (even if you thought they sucked at parenting).

In other words, feel free to listen to advice from anyone you want (including dumbass me, but filtering out the stuff that isn't right for YOU is the most important bit.

[steps off soapbox]. Thanks, love. Even when I'm not commenting, I'm always wishing you happiness!

Roger - I have 2 guys that I've shared my deepest, darkest secrets with and have never had it thrown in my face. It took years to build the friendship to that level, but it's worth the time.

Everyone - people get jealous when their spouse spends time alone with someone of the opposite sex...especially if they're attractive. You can say it shouldn't be that way, but that's how it is.

All my good/best friends are men, so ol' Solomon doesn't have any "first husbands" club to worry about or contend with :)

Plus I faintly remember something in my marital vows about "...blah blah blah forsaking all other women blah blah blah..." Don't tell Mrs. Solomon I put it that way :)

Hi,

Okay, first of all. About Mr. Y's wife...I really wouldn't worry too much about it. The fact is, you don't know quite how his family views her or anything that comes out of her mouth. They might think you're this wonderful person because she actually talked negatively about you!

Something you said about your dad struck me. I'm not sure if your dad is the same, but with my parents, alot of the time if they tell me something like that, it's because it's their secret desire. I think your father may miss you and therefore is telling you there's no way you'll get a visa and come home. Not so much because he believes you won't get it. But because really truly doesn't want you to get it. It is something to consider. Parents have a funny way of loving sometimes.

ha, just last night i had a dream about some of the girlfriends of ex's of mine who don't like me much. sometimes it's hard to have mostly guy friends! recently i've made a few more gal pals just because of all the trouble.

hang in there girly. everything will come together beautifully.

Ok, first things first. I hope Mr Y set things straight with his family. If he did, then you should relax about meeting his family. If he did not, then you should reconsider the friendship.

About your job being your anchor--yes, we all need at least one stable aspect in our lives--either a healthy relationship or stable job. I wish that I could help you out, but really don't know how. But if I think of something, I will share.

Now about Keifer Sutherland and your dreams, that
is just all about turning 30's. Just hold on :-)

Yup. Sarah. She's a chick I could definitely get on with. Loan me 60K, darlin'?

And Paul-you're cute :)

You know, there are several units in my condo complex that are up for sale. A 2/2 above me is a mere 60k. And it's huge and gorgeous and well taken care of. (I swear, the owner is gay but he says he isn't--totally fun dude.)

*cough*

H,
Mrs. Y would do well in politics and my ex could be her running mate. Muckrakers unite!

It's easy to let people get to you, so don't. I know that sounds like stupid advice but that's kept me alive and relatively sane for quite a while now. There's nothing worse than the world knowing your darkest secrets but once the cat's out of the bag there's no putting it back. All you can do is be true to yourself and those you love. Anyone who with the good fortune to spend any amount of time around you will quickly realize what a special person you are. If they don't get it then they're the fucknuts. No doubt about it.

I would never advise you to throw in the towel.
Drop it, maybe. Shutting up.

Amber and Roger nailed it-sorry, Solomon, but all of my close friends are men, without exception. I love them dearly, and there isn't one of them that I am tempted to sleep with-our relationships just don't work that way (Mr. Y excluded here-but then again, he is an ex anyway).

I don't seem to form comfortable friendships with women-I feel like is always a competition, and all the little grievances are always held against me forever. Men get angry and then get over it, whereas the women I have known get angry and then get grudges.

Gudy-thanks, honey :)

I understand the First Wives Club exactly. I've always been the "gal-pal" for the majority of my friends, who are almost all men. Anytime that their relationships went foul, lo and behold, their S.O.'s are calling me, or talking about me, saying that there's got to be something going on between us because he's coming to me to cry on my shoulder or something. It's very frustrating, but I've just come to the conclusion that you just can't please everyone. Screw them, in other words. I'm nice to them, and sometimes we even end up as good friends. Usually that only happens when they realize that my motto in dealing with guys is "Friends are friends, pals are pals, and buddies are people I'll sleep with".

I understand Solomon, but as a male there are very few males I would ever confide in. Likewise I guess for woman-to-woman confidence. So far all males want to compete with me. What is your experience? Any time I have ever told a male something private, at some time later, WHAM! they use it to elevate themselves. Some very surprising instances; especially other males who are married and hadn't chosen wisely. People always use personal info to their advantage. One of the most revealing things is when later they offer unsolicited advice. Or you find out what they really think of you when they suggest a woman you should pursue; the match is always worse than their mistake!

Having numerous just-friends of the opposite sex can be very good and wholesome because the friendship can complement rather than compete. I believe Helen's male friends need to be strong in their own relationships with their spouses and not have it spill over and become Helen's problem. And the strength I'm talking about is not macho but have the ability to give by word and deed their spouses love that says their sexual focus is them and is on a different axis than their friendship with Helen(excluding Mr. Y; he does not qualify as a friend).

None of this is Helen's problem but rather BF, DM, Mr. Y do not love their wives. (Ok guys, say it isn't so)

So Simon has once again saved me from typing it all up myself. ;-)

Other than that, please listen to Partner Unit, stop listening to the mean-spirited people bad-mouthing you, and stop depending on your visum - important as it is for your future - for your... self-assurance? self-esteem? self-confidence? One of those, anyway. Going through five rounds of lay-offs is an amazing feat, and Dane is probably right about why things happened the way they did.

As to Mr. Y's family and their image of you, I'd say it is his and, should it come to a face-to-face meeting with them, your responsibility to correct the image his wife is painting of you. Staying as cool as possible about it now, especially as Mr. Y's wife is understandably suspicious about your role in their lives, is probably your best bet for the time being, sucky as that may be for now.

Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. If you want to avoid the First Wives club in the future, make your best friends and dear mates women. No, I'm not suggesting a sex change for existing BF & DM. :)

But as you start life #6 intentionally choose confidants who are the same gender. It will eliminate soooooooo much stress.

Roger-you have a deal. Can my title be "Queen and Empress"?

I think that's an impressive title. And it sure beats some of the fluffy, meaningless titles I have heard of in my life.

-The Littlest Crab

Observe Maryland crabs in a bucket. There is always that one bright side shuffler that decides that he/she is not going to have their reason for existing be defined as someones delectable dinner. Rather wants to get back to swimming free and maybe chasing or being chased by another free spirited she/he crab. All the other crabs seem resigned and waiting their fate while they pretend to support our bright crab. Meanwhile our bright crab is working and straining to get a leg up and hooked over the lip of the bucket and when he/she manages to get to the teeter point all of the other crabs suddenly take note, reach up, grab a straining leg and effortlessly haul our hero back down inside the bucket(If they all were free spirited and working together, nobody could keep 'em in an open bucket for five minutes).

Watch out for those who have given up in life and don't give them opportunity to haul you back from your dreams.

Your ability with words alone, besides your dedication to work, are highly employable.

PS-When I get my company going in the next few years, I'll send you an invitation for an interview:-)

Miguel, you are absolutely right-No, I definitely don't want to make their lives harder. I don't have any plans to fight with any wives, I just feel like I can't even have the opportunity to meet with Mr. Y's family in the future and not already be a "very bad person".

helen, about the first wifes... wont they always be there? Might as well try to compromise a bit. If you really like BF, DM and MrY, and I think you do, I´m sure you don´t want to make their lives any harder. And you sound like your getting to a point were fighting is not an exciting thing. Far more important things in life. All the best, Miguel.

Helen, first off, lets get one thing perfectly clear...

Sucking is an endearing quality =)

Another thing, I think you maybe under estimating just what it means when a big company like that holds on to you for as long as possible. As horible as this may sound, the reality is that any manager will have a list of folks who work for them that they wish didn't, another list of folks who they will donate body parts to keep, and the rest who have their strengths, but they can get by without. The fact that you made it through 5 rounds means plain and simple, your boss ran out of parts and the Union seniority rules caught up with him/her.

The people who walk around taking personal pot-shots at your abilities are undoubtedly the ones whose only claim to their position is the fact they have managed to occupy it for so long. That is something I could never find pride in.

Best news of the last two days? You are thinking of a blonde guy in a sensual way... WoooHooo! there is hope =)

Dane

I have to agree with Simon. He said it way better than I would have.

And as for this:
"It's like I am entering fucking puberty again or something."

You're not alone!

Thanks, Simon :)

Luuka has good taste.

Let me be the half-full guy for a second: the people at the new company are convinced you're the one for the job; PU is telling you that you left Company X with a great reputation; your blog is proof of your global fan-base; Keifer Sutherland is Janet Jackson-ing you every night; you're either way leaving one of the coldest places on Earth; you've good taste in poetry; Mr Y, Dear Mate and Best Friend obviously all still like and value you. Mr Y maybe even more. The wives are none of your concern. If they're as unsecure as to see you as the evil influence, that's their problem, not yours. If things fall through some new opportunity will open up instead.

Forget about cliff faces and visas - the cards will play out however they're meant to be played. You just have to play with the hand you have...ummm, gee, that actually didn't come out right.