In Sweden this week it's a holiday called Sportslov, which is the Swedish equivalent to Spring Break. The point is to take off and spend time in the outdoors, move around, and be one with nature.
It's currently -5 and snowing absolute bucket-loads. I'll pass on the being outside bit. Mr. Y is flying off on holiday today with his kids in a sunny tropical U.S. location for two weeks (my God, I am going to miss talking to him). My therapist is also off, enjoying one week holiday. I am still waiting for my visa information.
It's going to be a long dark week, in other words.
I found this website about job loss, and read it a bit. Although it's filled with touchy-feely crap like getting in touch with your "emotional waves", it's otherwise pretty good. Losing your job is considered the number 1 most stressful event in an adult's life. It's followed by divorce, moving, death of a family member, and illness.
Wow. Except for the death of a family member, it looks like I'm all set up for morbid levels of stress.
Let's take a look at the levels of stress in a job loss, shall we?
They are thus:
Stage 1: Shock and Denial
Stage 2: Fear and Panic
Stage 3: Anger
Stage 4: Bargaining
Stage 5: Depression
Stage 6: Temporary Acceptance
Moving On
Right. Stage 1: Shock and Denial. Aka, when it happened Helen went comatose for a good 24 hours, sitting crying on the couch underneath a fleece blanket. Basically, I sat there and I thought: Oh. My. Fucking. God. It's the end of the world.
Stage 2: Fear and Panic. Aka-my money runs out in May. When the money's out, the money's out. I can't find a job here in Sweden. I don't want to go back to the U.S. yet. What did I think? I thought: Oh. My. Fucking. God. It's the end of the world.
Stage 3: Anger. OK, on this one, I have to say that I still bounce back to it alot. Whenever I see, in the newspaper, that Company X is doing well in the stockmarket, I go into a rage. The paper gets thrown into the fireplace immediately. Mr. Y and I got into a terrible argument-I told him I wished the company would go bankrupt, he called me childish and petty, since people I love work for them (like himself, X Partner Unit, Dear Mate, and Best Friend.) I think they are clever enough to find other jobs. While I would never actively do anything to attack Company X, I sure wouldn't mind if they didn't do well in the industry anymore. What did I think? Leave me the fuck alone, Company X, and never contact me again. I hate you.
Stage 4: Bargaining. I'm not sure that I ever felt this one, other than the bargaining that I have been doing with myself: If I get the visa and get a new job, I will never do (insert sin) again. If I get the visa and get a new job, I will start doing (insert atonement here). What did I think: I do feel a bit like I could do with some good luck.
Stage 5: Depression. Now, this is the one that I am on still. Sure, I bounce back and forth to anger sometimes, but I am otherwise on this level. It's about the most humiliating and self-esteem destroying thing in the world to lose your job. It's true-I don't want to leave the house, I feel embarassed-like I have no right to show my face in public. Like people will laugh and point at me. I don't want to do anything, not even eat (the sweatpants string that I knotted two weeks ago no longer fits, the pants slide right off my hips).
Maybe my blog is a bit boring lately since I have been so down. But I am only writing what I am honestly feeling. I got an email recently that said, in essence, that I should "snap out of it", as my depression is "so unbecoming".
My blog isn't here to make me look cute. It's here to write about my feelings. So if I am currently unbecoming...well, pick up the shattered pieces of your life and move on. Or just skim my blog entry-if it seems depressing, skip it and wait until I am happy again.
According to the website, I am supposed to feel:
It's all my fault.
You had it coming, hotshot.
They gave me enough rope, and I hanged myself.
If only I hadn't done that.
I'm worthless.
This is the end of the road for me.
And you know what? Those sound about right. Hey man-I excel at beating myself up.
I sometimes bop into the next stage, Stage 6: Temporary Acceptance. I did it from the get go, when I started sending off my CV and job hunting the day I lost my job. Although I am depressed, I am trying to do something with my career-the money runs out soon, the hourglass sands are falling, I have to do something. I guess I can say this: I need to put this behind me. I need to work now. I need to believe in myself again.
And in the meantime, I will sit by my window, watching the thick and fuzzy snowflakes hurtle to the ground, and simply wish that I could have some positive answers soon. Last night in the snow, I wrote the word: Please. It's some sacrificial prayer to whatever gods may care about me.
I also wrote the word: Hope. That one was for me.
-H.
PS-the latest Best of Me symphony is up here, including one from me.
PPS-I am 65 comments away from my 3000th comment.
I love your blog. It is a book I love to come back to. And I'm guessing that out of the nearly 3000 comments you've had... 99% of them have NOT been horrible people trying to make you feel bad about being you.
Be you. We love it. We read it... whatever it might be.
Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at February 26, 2004 06:15 PMHelen,
just like Rebecca I come here every day to see how you are getting on, and just wanted to let you know that even if others tell you the blog is boring, I find it amazing because its you sharing and its real. You show an amazing amount of resilience, hang in there, thinking of you here on the other side of the world.
Just looked out the window and it's pouring down snow here. Not to blow smoke up your ass but you seem incredibly capable and talented and in the end your kind of people succeed. Faith is a wonderful thing, I don't have it in abundance but I do have it in you.
Posted by: Brass at February 24, 2004 01:21 AMwow, almost 3000 comments.
Posted by: Donna at February 24, 2004 12:39 AMH, my fiancee and I are going through a hard time right now. I'm going to tell you what I have been telling him since the beginning of october, when he came home and informed me that he made an hour commute only to walk into his office and told to either resign or they were going to fire him on the spot.
It is just a job. When you get to the gates of heaven, there isn't going to be an angel checking off a list with everyone's profession on it. "Ooh, a computer programmer! We need one of those. Come on in! Wait, you were a janitor? Sorry, full up, mate. (Angel hits big red button, dude standing there slips through a hole that has magically appeared in the cloud.) Do what you can to keep yourself afloat, and happy. You are the most important thing - not where you go have your soul slowly sucked out of you every day.
I hope everything works out with the visa and the men and the Dream Job, because it seems to be what will make you happy. If it doesn't, maybe its time to reevaluate?
Posted by: tami at February 23, 2004 10:49 PMHelen,
I don't have much to offer as all these wonderful people who have commented before me seem to have covered it pretty well. You are in my thoughts, as always, and keep writing, there are so many of us that plan on being here for you, through the good, the bad and the ugly. Take care. {hugs}
Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps? The laws of physics prohibit that -- for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction :) While a depressed person can't "just snap out of it" (no, it wasn't me that sent the e-mail), there are things one can do to help him get out of his depressed state.
One of the biggest contributors to depression is focussing too much on one's own situation. To help alleviate that, do something selfless like: collect canned food for the homeless, volunteer at the local Red Cross, regularly visit a nursing home, or anything that puts other people first.
It may not "cure" depression (then again it may), but it would definitely temper it greatly. It would give you something positive to do, reinforce that you're not that bad off, and improve your self worth (NOT your self esteem).
Sitting around all day allows one to continue to focus on the dilemma at hand, which depresses him, which makes him focus more, which depresses him more,... It's a downward spiral that CAN be broken by doing good for others. Try it.
Posted by: Solomon at February 23, 2004 07:47 PM2 things:
-The only company that laid me off can go under like a surfer in a hurricane for all I care. I gave them my all. They gave me two weeks fucking wages. Yeah. Go to hell.
-Don't ever apologize for writing whatever you feel like writing. Your honesty is one of the things I respect most about you, as sad as honesty can be sometimes...it is the truth.
Best to you, Helen.
Posted by: Rob at February 23, 2004 07:39 PMits all about choices. Technically you COULD go back to the US if you absolutely had to. Although that might not be your most favorite choice, its always an option. When I was out of a job, and not getting anywhere with my college degree, I had to kinda look in the mirror and do a "pride check". Am I ignoring/writing off opportunities for one reason or another?? I know the feeling trust me. BUT, I had to tell myself, if the going gets REALLY tough, there is ALWAYS a job, it could not pay enough, insult my intelligence, etc etc... but there will always be something.
Posted by: liz at February 23, 2004 07:30 PMHello, my name is Helen, and I'm WAY TOO FUCKING HARD on myself.
Of course you're in the shit, chica loca! You lost your job! Your marriage is falling apart! You don't know where you're going to be in six months!
While all of those things provide *trememdous* opportunity for change, they are quite possibly the most stressful combination of uncertainties you'll ever experience. How about backing off and letting yourself just be upset? The blog's not boring, but would that really be so awful? It's your blog, your life!
Sheesh! Silly lady. If you want to feel in control, go outside and pee in the snow. At least you can control it!
Posted by: Kaetchen at February 23, 2004 07:25 PMHmm, well first, this blog is NOT boring, it's a daily read for me and I think you are one of the strongest people I "know". Second, I really do know that you're so frustrated but I just can't help but know that there are good things in store for you, they're right around the bend....
Hang in there Helen.
Posted by: Rebecca at February 23, 2004 07:19 PMI understand the frustration and by no mean ment to further flame it. But considering it is out of your hands at the moment and in the hands of some other people to me seems to be left up in the "hands of fate".
While it seems flimsy to think that ones future to a unseen force I have found myself starting to believe that things do have reasons to them and fate does play a role from time time.
Posted by: Drew at February 23, 2004 06:30 PM"Maybe my blog is a bit boring lately since I have been so down. But I am only writing what I am honestly feeling. I got an email recently that said, in essence, that I should "snap out of it", as my depression is "so unbecoming"."
Anyone who can say this has never experienced depression. Anyone who can say this doeesn't have a bleedin' clue about what depression is, The "pull your self up by the bootstraps" argument is the bane of all those who have lived depression, myself included. I am reading a fabulous book, _The Noonday Demon: An Anatomy of Depression." It has done my soul good. Perhaps it will help yours too. http://www.noondaydemon.com/
my best.....
Posted by: Patricia at February 23, 2004 05:59 PMLosing a job is more stressful than divorce or losing a family member?!?! I don't think so! Certainly not for me. I've lost a family member (my sister), two jobs, and seen multiple divorces; and stress-wise I'd much rather be unemployed than lose a loved one or a marriage.
My worst case scenario when I got laid off was: we default on our house, declare bankruptsy, and move in with my in-laws. That's not so bad. Yours is better than mine Helen. You may have to move back to America with a family member for a while, but there are worse things and worse places.
At least you won't have to move in with in-laws:)
Posted by: Solomon at February 23, 2004 05:43 PM(((hugs)))
here are some suggestions to help you shake the blues and forget your troubles, if only temporarily:
*play the soundtrack to "footloose" or some other goofy eighties music and dance around in your underwear. jumping on the bed while singing along is highly recommended.
*watch the muppets take manhattan, dane cook stand up comedy, or george carlin...or all of the above.
*put your hair in ponytails, paint your toenails different colors, and color in a coloring book.
*soak in a bubble bath and sing along with show tunes (I did this recently. It was awesome.)
*take a long walk, take your camera, snap some photos, make a snow angel.
*go to the movies in the middle of the day.
*make a grilled cheese sandwich and cut it in triangles. serve with hot chocolate and whip cream.
hope that helps, or at least made you smile. hang in there. xoxo
Posted by: kat at February 23, 2004 05:38 PMOnly an uncompassionate poop would tell you to 'get over it' because YOUR blog is boring. Well, for many of us it is not boring (we're not in it just for the sex). You have many blog buddies who truly care what happens to you.
Posted by: Marie at February 23, 2004 05:13 PMhelen,
keep your confidence up. That is the number one thing that will help you be successful in landing another job. ( remember that is why "dream job" selected you over the other guy..you prepped hard and had confidence).
It is not just a matter of snapping out of it, since depression does come with the turf, but it's a matter of mainatining your internal value compass. You have great skills, they don't just dissappear. You will transport those same skills to another company and provide tremendous value once again.
Posted by: Jim at February 23, 2004 05:01 PMH,
We're fighting the same battle... only on different fronts. You are in love with an amazing person and are looking for a rewarding job/career. I am gainfully employed, thanks to a rather large miracle, but am still searching for that amazing person to share life's joys and pains with. (Can I even end a sentence with 'with'? Anyway.)
The mirage of "The grass is always greener" mindset for once seems to be valid. If I had to choose between being sucessful or being loved then it's not really a choice at all.
I'm sorry Y is incommunicado when you really need him right now but you can take some comfort that you're always in his thoughts. As you are in all of ours.
Take care, little flame.
Posted by: Paul at February 23, 2004 04:58 PMRegarding depression, I hate statements of the like: "Snap out of it", etc. The dumb bunnies who think that's all it takes are the happiest.
"Ignorance is Bliss"
If you need a pick-me-up, just read your countless comments for one little lady. And if we had snow in Cali, I'd spell out "Hope" for you as well.
All the best.
Posted by: Curator at February 23, 2004 04:31 PMKylan-wow. You have utterly floored me with the nice comment you left.
Drew-I can't accept that if I don't get my visa it wasn't meant to be. I am tired of handing off my future to fate. It is meant to be, and I want it more than anything.
Ilyka-you DO understand! I know of things bubbling under the surface there, business practices, etc. It makes me scream and bubble in rage. Absolute rage. I want the head honchos in the division I worked in to KNOW what it's like to send out endless CVs via Monster. I sold my soul to that company. And the company sold it onwards.
Posted by: Helen at February 23, 2004 04:22 PMWhenever I see, in the newspaper, that Company X is doing well in the stockmarket, I go into a rage. The paper gets thrown into the fireplace immediately. Mr. Y and I got into a terrible argument-I told him I wished the company would go bankrupt, he called me childish and petty, since people I love work for them (like himself, X Partner Unit, Dear Mate, and Best Friend.) I think they are clever enough to find other jobs.
Oh. My. God. I could write the book on this.
My last job ended when the company fucked itself into a serious cash-flow problem that had, if you knew the history, been years in the making. The short version is: If you own a software company, hire software engineers to run it. Don't go into a field because you're knacky with the hardware it requires, then figure you'll just throw a bunch of programmers in a room together (who may or may not be any good at their jobs; as you cannot read code yourself, you have no way of knowing) and beat the software you need to run the hardware you're so knacky with out of them on schedule.
Also, don't hire a CTO in at $130K plus incentives after you already fired him once because his must-save-face cultural background demands that when you ask him "is it ready yet?" he must lie to you.
After laying me off, they got down to one full-time and one half-time programmer, the owner, his henchman, and the bookkeeper. Six months before that, I had stumbled upon their balance sheet, P & L, statement of cash flows--the whole accounting bonanza. (Yeah, let's put that in a public folder accessible to absolutely everyone on the network!) I fired it off to my mother, a CPA. Her response: Get out of there. Now. Tell your friends to get out of there too. They don't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving another quarter with those figures.
Very rarely, but occasionally, I end up having to drive by the place. They're still there. The one full-time programmer they have is a guy I hired and loved like a brother, but I still, to this day, wish they would just implode already. My friend would be fine--he's brilliant.
But I want to see the owner on the street with a will-work-for-food sign.
I'm not over it at all, and this March it will have been two years. They didn't just take my job; they took my love of the game, of what I did for a living. I haven't written a line of code since and I don't want to. I won't even so much as fuck with my style sheet.
So don't you feel bad, Helen. Compared to me I'd guess you're right where you need to be in the so-called grief process, and I'll bet you bounce back far higher than you could ever dream.
Posted by: ilyka at February 23, 2004 04:08 PMHelen,
Lots of love going out to you -- working on another "luck" and another "find a job" candle for you ...
Still -- apathy or not, maybe you can find some catharsis in writing -- get it all out, y'kno?
I've been where you're at now a time or two, and although I would never demean you by pitying you, I can certainly sympathize -- I *do* know the feelings you are going through, and I know how it can just sap you, strength, will, desire for life, everything ...
If you take nothing else from all your commentary and all the well-wishing of your 'far-flung gallery of friends' -- then take at the very least the knowledge that you are loved -- that you make some people's days brighter, just by being you. That we collectively hold our breath for you, and pat ourselves on the back for every triumph you have, for every obstacle or hurdle you overcome, we live for the vicarious thrill of gaining your smile ... we love you.
Hang in there -- I can't say that things will all work out - I can't say that things will get better soon - I can't say that aplomb and finesse will win out -- but please, hang in there -- we're all rooting for you.
Tioraidh, mo chairich --
Kylan
Posted by: Kylan at February 23, 2004 03:42 PMone comment closer.. hehehehe,.
Posted by: pylorns at February 23, 2004 03:39 PMNow you should only be 58 comments away. Things happen for a reason. If your ment to have a visa you will if not something else will turn up. Keep the faith.
Posted by: Drew at February 23, 2004 02:32 PM"...the pants slide right off my hips"
Sorry, I got distracted for a moment. Was there something else in this post?
Simon-I've been meaning to write it all down, but then the apathy hits, and...well...
Dane-you know I love ya' man.
Mel-I have thus far avoided mass shopping. In fact, I am in price saving mode. Maybe that's because I've done the poverty thing before, and never want to go back.
Courtney-that's exactly how I found this site. Turns out there are 5 stages of grief, and 6 if you lose your job.
Me-here's to hoping you never do...
Posted by: Helen at February 23, 2004 01:54 PMI'm all for education, y'know. :P I always felt that learning about the stuff inside my head helped me cope, even if it was self-evident sometimes. "Hey, I'm normal in this." BTW, sounds like those are the stages of mourning, to me, and if your job is really important to you, then of course you'd mourn it.
Posted by: Courtney at February 23, 2004 01:45 PMI live in fear of losing my job again, and I have been gainfully employed for over seven years.
Posted by: me at February 23, 2004 01:27 PMDamn it, 63 to go - I've got no chance.
May I make a suggestion that many here are likely to agree with - why not use at least some of your time and energy to start writing? Take a leaf from Don's book (pun intended) and get to work on your great short story collection/poetry/novel. You've got the talent.
Posted by: Simon at February 23, 2004 10:46 AMI quit my job, can I still play? denial - skipped it, fear and panic - not yet, Anger - hmm, note first sentence, bargaining - never, depression - this one snuck up on me, bounce between this and acceptance. They seem to have left out distraction, finding anything and everything exceedingly more interesting and captivating that the job hunt. Sort of like Melanie mentions. I hope I am not still at stage 2 ACK!!!
Personally I read your site because you write about things that are interesting, sometimes in a good way, sometimes more from a "did you get the number of that bus that just ran me over" angle, eitherway, it real, its you. Anyone who would suggest that your honesty reflects poorly on you is really just giving an indication of their own shallowness. If they look here for entertainment, and expect it to be all happy happy joy joy, I have one thing to say, welcome to the real world.
Keep doin what you're doin Helen, cause to a fair number of us its obvious, you rock!
Dane
Posted by: Dane at February 23, 2004 10:41 AMI have no idea which phase I'm in. It's been two weeks and my money has run out already.
I don't seem to be panicking though. I seem to be shopping.
Maybe I'm in denial.
Although there is a certain degree of panic.
When I can't afford to buy all the things I want to buy.