...is off my shoulders.
Thank you guys so much for all the wonderful well-wishes yesterday. I really mean it-I am amazed at how many people were rooting with me in my battle for the visa. Thank you.
After posting my blog yesterday, I spent a good two hours just sitting in the chair, crying. Not crying tears of hopelessness, fear, anger, and utter destruction, but for once I was crying rivers of tears of relief. I called my mother, waking her up at 5 am her time.
"Mom?" I choked. "I got my visa. I'm going to survive Company X after all."
"Mm-hm, that's nice dear, I love you." replied my dozy mom, aching to go back to sleep. So I let her.
I do have some contact with Mr. Y, only it's extremely limited. He got a message from me that said only: I got the visa. I was rewarded with a phone call, as he headed to the beach in the ninety degree weather. Here, it was -5 and almost blizzard conditions. I am so envious.
I talked to X Partner Unit, and he was very happy for me, even presenting me with a small bottle of champagne. We started boxing and removing belongings last night, and there was no fighting or animosity in it-we seperated the books (I am giving almost my whole collection away), and I turned to the shelf of our travel books from the places we have been together-Malaysia, the Seychelles, Turkey, Greece, Ireland, and others. I asked him if he wanted any of those books and he said no, but not in any mean way. He hugged me, turned to me, and smiled, looking into my eyes.
"You're going to be just fine, Helen. You're going to be fine."
"I survived." I choked to him, eyes welling up again. "I'm not so bad. I survived."
And just like that, the move out begins. My gorgeous dog is moving to X Partner Unit's mother's house, in the countryside. A retired couple who dote on him, I know he will be wildly happy (happier than if he lives in a flat in London with me), but that won't fix the whole in my heart where his wagging tail used to be. My two cats are going to the vet next week-I am vaccinating them and preparing them for a possible move to the UK. In case X Partner Unit doesn't want them...I will. Badly.
I am taking things slowly now, for fear that I will react like I did physically last night-after weeks of a daily eating routine of only coffee, yogurt, and one small meal, we celebrated and I had a whole personal pizza...which alsmost caused me to toss my cookies. So I'm going to slow things down a bit. I have booked myself and X Partner Unit massages on Saturday (we need them). There's a Japanese spa in town that I will go to next week, and spend a full day in the water, by myself, just thinking. I am also going to have an aromatherapy body scrub, another massage, and a facial while I am there.
Just because I want to. Just because I need it. And just because now, I will have money.
I have no start date yet with Dream Job but expect to work that out today. I plan on being in the UK by the end of next week-I have to visit various embassies now for permits, etc. before I go, and I have a lot of packing to do.
But for the first time in...well, I don't know how long...the weight of the world is off my shoulders. I have hope now, where once I didn't dare to for fear of falling too flat on my face. I am a cynic at heart, really, with the idea of being an optimist when I grow up:)
And so it is that 4 months after losing my job, 2 months after agreeing that Partner Unit and I should split, 1 month after getting my Dream Job, I finally have clearance to try to start over again, to put 2003 (and the worst year of my life so far) behind me.
My God, I have survived so much.
So now, it's time to lay Life Number 5 behind me. I am officially preparing to start Life Number 6 now, and it will kick off the day my feet enter Arlanda airport, ticket to London Heathrow clutched in my hand. Life 6, the Life of a Cat, where I land on my feet and find myself dependently independent.
I survived.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at February 25, 2004 07:43 AM | TrackBackI really am thrilled for you, and quite jealous too ;)
Cant wait to see what a stranger in London's life is like next!
Posted by: stinkerbell at February 26, 2004 05:04 PM*Helen rushes to find a dictionary, feeling stupid that she has no idea what invective means*.
I taught Brass "pulchritude", he teaches me "invective"!
Posted by: Helen at February 26, 2004 07:48 AMDamn. This is fucking fantastic. I hope you all relize that this is worth invective. Superlatives seem a little weak. Damn.
Posted by: Brass at February 26, 2004 07:30 AMOhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I am so so so happy for you - you deserve it!!!! Congradulations!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Onyx at February 26, 2004 03:54 AMWay to go, glad things are looking up! I'll be praying for you in the move and all the dissolving of one life into another
Posted by: Stephen at February 26, 2004 02:47 AMCongrats, Helen. That's really, really great.
Posted by: Joey at February 26, 2004 12:22 AMCongrats Helen! I am so happy for your good fortune! You deserve it! :) Yay!
Posted by: Talia at February 25, 2004 06:34 PMI'm so glad for you. It must be a huge relief
Posted by: Cornelia at February 25, 2004 05:52 PMCongratulations, and write on. If you ever hop over the channel, say it!
Posted by: augustijn at February 25, 2004 05:38 PMRegarding Paul's comment: I'm not addicted. I can quit anytime I want to.....I just don't want to :)
Posted by: Solomon at February 25, 2004 05:30 PMI like how you referenced them as "Life Number x" - I'm going to have to use that in the future. Let's see, I think I'm also on about Life Number 6 now. Life Number 6 seems to be pretty damn good for me - I wish the same for you!
Posted by: Christine at February 25, 2004 05:11 PMFinally, a bit of good news to a well deserving gal. Thanks for the story - helps those of us still in "waiting" to know good things can and do happen if not just in the nick of time.
Here's hoping Life #6 fulfills the hopes and dreams you had for 1-5 (and many more).
Shanti
The time is now to enjoy what you've waited so long to have. Bask in the feeling, but always know, the best is yet to come. Gawd girl, I have perma-grin for hours after reading your blog. Yep, I'm that damn happy.
Posted by: Rebecca at February 25, 2004 04:47 PMSaying this blog is addicting is an understatement. Why not just call it Everyday Crack?
Enjoy basking in that warm glow of the light at the end of the tunnel. But for God's sake use some sun screen. We worry about you so!
I think I'm going to change your nickname from Little Flame to London Burning!
Way to go, H
Posted by: Paul at February 25, 2004 03:56 PMPrayers really do work. Like magic.
Thank God things are turning in a positive direction.
We really do wish only the best for you.
Posted by: Karen at February 25, 2004 03:44 PMLondon drivers here she comes,
her she comes!
London drivers here she comes,
our fair lady!
You're on a roll, that's for sure. Dream Job, leaving bad relationship, going to London, got the Visa, you slept (and there's proof!).
All your readers went through it with you, and we're all relieved, and glad, that things have finally started to turn around for you. Our wish? One good thing on top of another.
And now? LONDON!!!! YES!!!! Rawthur! Quite!
Posted by: Jiminy at February 25, 2004 03:08 PMHelen -- wonderful ... just wonderful ...
I am so happy for you ... so relieved ...
let us know when you change addresses so that we can send "housewarming" presents for your new digs -- and get a post office that we can send you well-wishes and home-baked goodness to ...
take care of you, mo charaidh --
and, as Quarterflash used to sing, "Make it Shine"
Ky
Posted by: Kylan at February 25, 2004 03:03 PMYes you did. It always seems at the darkest hours that we find what we are truly made of and you my dear are made of the finest materials around.
I look forward to hearing about your new adventures as your set your sails to begin this new journey.
Posted by: Drew at February 25, 2004 03:01 PMSo, I am with Simon in selfishly making sure that you will continue to blog:-)
Posted by: Marie at February 25, 2004 03:00 PMJimilove-thanks, darling. That was really, really sweet.
Posted by: Helen at February 25, 2004 02:00 PMH -
I rushed to the computer this morning...before brushing my teeth, before coffee, before getting the kids video tape set up, to read this blog.
As I clicked on the link, I was brimming with anticipation. I knew today would be a good day; I just couldn't wait to read about you being happy, again.
ok, the kids are yelling again, gotta go - great news.
Posted by: jim at February 25, 2004 01:49 PMtwice even...lol
Posted by: Mitzi at February 25, 2004 01:07 PMI know I speak for most everyone here when I say "YAYAYAY!!!!"
Posted by: Mitzi at February 25, 2004 01:06 PMI know I speak for most everyone here when I say "YAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!"
Posted by: Mitzi at February 25, 2004 01:05 PMCONGRATULATIONS!!! :-)
It's really funny, I have never rooted for someone I didn't even know and followed their blow by blow progress and set backs other than in the case of a politician (such as Howard Dean) or an artist. - Say a really, really good band that I related to; which touched me where I just wanted, more than anything, to see their next album succeed.
Which got me thinking... you have that rare ability to connect with people and convey your sincerity through various media and convey a message: sometimes entertaining, sometimes serious and thoughtful and often with a lesson or an invitation to reflect.
For example, that entry about the impromptu eulogy you gave at your grandfather's funeral springs to mind. And 3,000 comments and your map! Talk about being a natural leader! Talk about naturally attracting a following!
I'm not saying that you should necessarily run for office, there are many ways to lead, but wow, you are a natural leader. I hope that you don't become a corporate clone but that you use this opportunity to do many more things. We NEED you! :-)
Steve P (A British American living in Australia)
Posted by: Steve P at February 25, 2004 12:41 PMI am so happy for you! I cant even tell you how big the smile is on my face, i am so happy i am alomost in tears!
I wish i had time to read all the comments and then write something more profound, but for now, as always, you give me hope with your constant survival :)
Abs x
Black hole of despair? Pshaw, my dear. Even your darkest posts had a shine to them. Partially because you write wonderfully but mostly because you never ever gave up.
Posted by: Jim at February 25, 2004 12:34 PMMe: Thank mother fucking fuck.
Buddies: [look up and over at me] You have to stop fucking swearing. What's happened?
Me: She got the fucking Visa. I feel strangely relieved.
Buddies: .....
Me: HELEN.. YOU SILLY FOOLS. SHE GOT THE VISA. HOW.. JUST DUH. HELLO?! VISA. GOTTEN. WEIGHT OF WORLD LIFTED. SURVIVAL AND ADDICTION. Fuck.
Buddies: .....
That's my story.
Excellent. You did well, H. Best of luck on the newest chapter. xox
Posted by: Meg at February 25, 2004 12:29 PMOf course you survived, girl! You're brainy and sassy and more cool adjectives than I'll embarrass you with here. And like a cat, you'll land on your feet. I have faith in you. We all have faith in you.
I'm just so relieved you got the visa. That makes your transition easier, and opens a door you want to open. Surviving is never easy. It's nice to get some help. Especially from humongo uncaring bureaucracies that can grind your life into tiny broken pieces -- or suddenly turn a benevolent smile your way.
Stay warm!
Posted by: Sedalina at February 25, 2004 12:11 PMI'm so happy for you. Everything is ever so slowly falling into place for you, finally.
Posted by: Beth at February 25, 2004 12:00 PMyou go girl :). you survived, and now you shall live life to the fullest!
Posted by: goldie at February 25, 2004 11:47 AMHappy, happy, joy, joy! This is indeed v. good news. Hugs here too...
Posted by: plumpernickel at February 25, 2004 11:43 AMHappy toughts for you, Helen. You probably donīt need many these days, but still thatīs how I feel. Miguel.
Since you are going to Merry old England after all (::CHEER::) ... I thought I'd send you a favorite of mine:
"Oh for a Muse of fire. that would ascend
The Brightest heaven of invention,
A Kingdom for a stage, princes to act
And Monarchs to behold the swelling Scene!!
:::CHEERS!!!!!!::: Helen
((cranks the The Clash up REALLY loud))
Necessity (ohh nice spelling) is the mother of invention... Hope is the good twin of despair.. and joy shall be your compainion... Be well helen ;) :) :)
I do indeed hope that my blog is going to become a little more upbeat, instead of the pit of doom it has been.
Since then, that will mean my life has improved as well.
Er...haven't mentioned the blog thing to them (think I won't be doing so, either), but I will still be blogging. It's like a drug, after all. Addicting. :)
Posted by: Helen at February 25, 2004 09:36 AMSee, these movies always end with a happy ending. And now the blog's going to be one of those bright bubbly things instead right? Dream Job do give you 25 minutes blog break every day, right?
Posted by: Simon at February 25, 2004 09:32 AMHelen, you're going to do amazingly well in Life Number 6. Surely 6 is your lucky number, right? ;-)
Congratulations again! What wonderful news. I can't wait to hear more about your (soon to be even more) amazing life.
Posted by: Natalie at February 25, 2004 09:19 AMI had a good day turn shitty, but reading that has made me weep.
Tears of joy for you, and frustration, and anger for me.
I needed them.
*hugs*
I knew you would make it.
*hugs*
That was such an awesome, uplifting post. I have had a very shitty day, but somehow, after reading how happy and relieved you are, it helped me perk up a bit.
Thanks for sharing so much with us, Helen.
Congratulations again :)
Posted by: Heather at February 25, 2004 08:10 AMI am so wonderfully happy for you. :)
*big hug*
Cheers!
Posted by: Melissa at February 25, 2004 08:07 AMI. . .
There are no words for how proud I am of you.
If I could, I would hug you fiercely.
Posted by: margi at February 25, 2004 08:02 AM