I huddled in the dank phone box. I hadn't used one in years, wasn't even sure if I remembered how to. The phone, black, trusty and solid, was inside of a glass phone box which stank of beer and the uncomfortable human scent of urine. I wondered how many people had used the phone booth to relieve themselves after a Friday night pub visit. Then I realized I didn't really care.
I rubbed the side of my shoe around on the pavement, playing with the leather Converse edge. Outside, it was dark and cold and a chill crept in under the bottom of the phone booth. A man in a truck waited outside of the glass windows, watching me standing there crying, and I hated him so much then. My issues were mine, my problems mine. I wanted him to stop watching me, I wanted to throttle the phone through the booth, I wanted to leave.
And above all, I wanted the raging battle with Mr. Y on the phone to end.
The birthday holiday had fallen through, and I was-to be honest-very disappointed. I am so desperate to go away somewhere warm. I feel as though my entire winter has been dark and bitterly cold, spent in the study under layers of clothes, crying and trying to survive. In some stupid metaphor, I feel like the sun will chase it all away.
I'm so tired of being cold.
The holiday had fallen through, and Mr. Y was yelling at me that he was stressed to bits, I had too much pressure on him, why couldn't I be more supportive and understanding? He told me what he had wanted me to say. I hadn't said it.
He brought back the single greatest emotion that I hate-I was a burden. I was a burden, and it freaks me out. I told him he was making me feel that way. He replied that I was making him feel stressed.
We fought until my phone card started beeping, telling me that my fight would keep on going long after my British pounds were gone. We fought about stress, holidays, babies, logistics, and money (and I never fight about money). The truth is, new starts are hard with anyone. When you are people like he and I, and separated by a big puddle of water, they get even worse. It doesn't help that we are dis-entangling ourselves from the old lives (I am flying to Stockholm this weekend to finish packing and to have a discussion with X Partner Unit).
I am so afraid in fights. I think I have had too hard a time with fights with previous people. X Partner Unit and I never fought until the day we returned from our honeymoon on the Italian Riviera. He refused to fight, actually. But that night, we had a big one. He pushed me. I started to leave. He threatened to throw himself off our 8 story balcony if I did. I slept on the couch that night and the next day he brought me a present and a warning-don't drive him to that again.
It became a pattern that when he got angry, I would take a few steps back from him. To be out of range.
I still do that when people get angry with me now.
I want to stop doing that.
In the end, we both calmed down. I ran my fingers up and down the streaky glass, hating that phone booth and hating myself. He told me how much he loves me. I told him the same. When the automatic phone voice came on telling me I had 30 seconds left, I told him. We pulled it together, he talked about being a team, how he was crazy about me, how we need to stop fighting.
Later in the evening, he sent me an sms telling me how much he loved me and how much he wants our new start to go well. I went to bed, full of weird dreams and realizing that I had been taking up the whole bed all night. It is a hard transition-new job, new country, new life. And it's hard for both of us. The comments in the last section were bang on from Jim-we're just stressed and taking it out on each other. We both realize it. We are both going to try to stop.
When the phone card ran out, it disconnected us. I looked at the phone, so old-fashioned, so necessary. I hung up and walked away from that chilly phone booth.
-H.
PS-hopefully more from me later.
PPS-sorry, Solomon. The previous relationships are over. Really over.
UPDATE: Mr. Y has booked us business class tickets to spend 4 days (over my birthday) in Prague, and we will take the Jamaica trip in May.
What a man.
Serenity banged the bell on the head. It's a thin line between mental health and the lottery. For the record, both Serenity and I encourage each other to just put one foot in front of each other in email. And people do tell me to suck it up here. Often. And I'm glad that I have all kinds of opinions.
I'm also glad for others like Roger, Paul, Jim and others. It was hard to start this blog, but once I started talking, I found out that writing it out helped get it out, that telling the truth helped me actually see it.
I still don't think offing yourself is a cowardly thing all the time. Sometimes, yes. And for others, they just hit the bottom and didn't have a hand out there to help them.
Oh...and I am a hand, if anyone needs it.
Posted by: Helen at March 22, 2004 07:55 PMOMG, Serenity, I agree with you! Well, not the part about barely passing the college classes... What I do disagree with is the failure of people to solve their own problems, with help of course in some or perhaps many cases. IMO, Social Services and those who work in that field are not helpful when pablum responses and pats on the head are offered as solutions or paths to solutions.
Posted by: Annette at March 22, 2004 06:59 PMAnnettte:
Telling us you passed your classes in college only tells us you may have taken Psych 101 at one point and gotten at least a D or better. It doesn't prove that you understood what you were learning.
NOT all suicides/attempts are people just screaming for someone to give them attention. There are disorders, chemical imbalances, misfirings...
It is not always as simple as saying, "Suck it up and quit your whining."
Are some? Sure. But not all of them.
Passenger: You are not the only one telling Helen these things. You don't read her private emails. You only see her comments section.
Posted by: Serenity at March 22, 2004 06:40 PMHey there, Roger! Helen started this blog because it's a place where she can really talk about her feelings. OK, did I pass? No one's saying Helen shouldn't have feelings... I thought we were arguing over the validity of suicide.
Posted by: Annette at March 22, 2004 06:35 PMAnd then, after failing to do the first thing just for yourself, without expecting to help others and with more courage than I have, you started this genuine, nothing to lose, very real blog and help an uncountable horde thru your greatest talent. From 'to the bones tired', here you are. Thank you Helen.
Posted by: Roger at March 22, 2004 06:30 PMHi Roger... I've just skimmed Helen's blog, just to get a handle on her life...in reality I can only take it in small doses. The passivity drives me crazy!
As Annette has pointed out, you can only be a victim if you allow others to victimize you. no one other than Annette and myself are telling Helen to come out of her corner swinging, to take charge of her life and tell the people who are cluttering up her existence to take their show on the road, she ain't gonna take it any more. I'm waiting for the part where Helen kicks one of her abusers right in the crotch!
Posted by: passenger at March 22, 2004 06:18 PMIf you committ suicide, can I have your motorcycle? : )
that's an old joke. The point is that you can keep suicide as an option. In the case of terminal cancer as a hypothetical of course, sure! I'll do that my own self to get away from the pain. However I'll get my paperwork in order so that my survivors don't have to do all that knacky stuff.
So, let's take a look at this looking down the neck of a bottle and considering your last act? You didn't do it. BUT you wanted to do it 'cause you're tired. What makes you tired?
You seem to be looking for the "perfect" relationship, one that's Problem Free. The truth is that you just trade one set of problems for another set. If you want to find the man of your dreams, go back to sleep.
(Cross Posting) OK! Now we're getting somewhere! I think you'll be a great writer! You draw great word pictures! And your Dream Job is a nightmare because you're doing something that you let other people tell you that you should do... Make haste, death is only three steps behind you!
Posted by: passenger at March 22, 2004 05:59 PMMy dream is to spend all my time writing in a little cottage by the sea, so no...not yet living my dream.
But my knickers are clean, I swear.
Posted by: Helen at March 22, 2004 05:31 PMAs to suicide, the act can be one of bravery or of cowardice, depending on the Hows and the Whys. However the threat of suicide to make someone else do something they don't want to do is disgusting!
From the reading I've done it seems to me that you, Helen, are trying to live someone else's dream? You talk about your dream job but I wonder if it's your dream?
As far as things getting better? No Way! Life is tough and then you die. The good part is that if you learn to deal with it you get used to being neck deep in shit and if you're really lucky, you learn to laugh.
The most important things in Life are clean socks and underwear, a full belly, a warm place to sleep out of the rain...and no one shooting at you. If you've got that, you're doing better than 90% of the world...
Posted by: passenger at March 22, 2004 05:30 PMThe one thing I can say about suicide is this: staring down the neck of an open pill bottle is one scary fucking deal. I've lived my life as life's carpet, and me trying to kill myself was the first thing that I have ever done for myself where I only thought of myself.
I don't regret it.
And the one thing, of all the many negative qualities in the world, that I am not, is a coward.
You don't have to be a coward to try to kill yourself.
Sometimes, you just have to be too tired to care.
Posted by: Helen at March 22, 2004 05:18 PMThen Annette, Why did H start this blog?
Posted by: Roger at March 22, 2004 04:40 PMHi Roger! Already read ALL of Helen's blog, thank you : ) Linked to Helen's blog from Blue Ridge, and have enjoyed reading everything that Helen, a very talented writer, has to say! Have also linked to others' blogs.... and have noticed that people seem to spend too much time in front of the 'putey : ) It's addicting!
Posted by: Annette at March 22, 2004 04:32 PMDo you have a post office box where we can send you birthday presents?
I have a book that I just read that reminded me of you and wanted to send it to you.
Thanks,
Karen
Passenger and Annette,
May I suggest you spend time reading and searching thru H's blog and learn why she started this blog.
Posted by: Roger at March 22, 2004 12:36 PMYup, Serenity, passed the college psych courses already : ) A person doesn't have to be a victim unless they want to be. Suicide and threats of suicide are nice little ways of seeking attention. Growing up and contributing to society are components of responsible living. Do psychologists not agree?
Annette:
You really do not have a good understanding of the mind if you actually think it's that simple.
I highly suggest you take some college level psychology courses so that you might have a better understanding of things that can go wrong.
Posted by: Serenity at March 22, 2004 04:44 AMWell, Gudy, to each his/her own opinion. IMO, one doesn't leave their loved ones in the lurch thru such an irresponsible act, unless there is a bit of cowardice in the equation. Sure, everyone has the blues now and then, and some sink into the depths of despair.... but the answer is getting help and standing up to your problems, so as to live life in a responisble manner...
Posted by: Annette at March 21, 2004 09:54 PMThe whole child issue sounds like a potential deal breaker to me, but I'm glad that you ended the phone call on a positive note. Besides, my dad was almost 44 when I was born, and up until my parents divorced he was the best dad I could ever hope to have, so 42 isn't too bad...
My mother had SAD, and I know what a sucker this can be. If you have it too, get your butt to Jamaica, pronto! As wonderful as Praha is (and it is one of my favourite cities in the world, romantic and beautiful), there just ain't no substitute for non-stop warmth and sunshine when you really need it.
Annette, Re: suicide, this is bullshit! I knew several people who committed suicide, and in no case was cowardice part of the equation.
Posted by: Gudy at March 21, 2004 07:46 PMThreatened suicide is sort of like going to someone's door, ringing the bell and saying to the person who answers the door "If you don't subscribe to the magazine I'm selling I'm going to shoot this puppy...and it'll be your fault!" whilst holding a pretty little puppy in one hand and a gun in the other.
At first it might seem romantic and all...and even a big ego booster, that is if you're young and dumb. That person can't live without me, I must be a good person, etc... There's a certain "draw" to it, if you don't feel too good about yourself, the White Knight riding to the rescue... But sooner or later it can get tiresome 'cause it's so childish.
The whole thing boils down to Helen being the Perfect Mark and breaking the cardinal rule; "Never smarten up a mark!", you didn't break up the marriage. If the marriage was a happy one from Hubby's point of view he'd have never even looked at you. And if it weren't you that he jumped the fence for it would have been someone else. All those people thinking that your the villain in that piece have it backward, that is if in fact there is a villain.
Hey! Look at it from the guy's perspective. He turns in the Old Sweat Hog for a new model, a good looking gal who can't get preggers to play Hide The Sausage with...she's got a good paying job and she's easily manipulated? Wooo Hooo Hooo! Just about the time he's hitting that brick wall of Male Middle Age Trauma, where the hopes and dreams of the Young Man smash headlong into the brick wall of middle age reality.
Posted by: passenger at March 21, 2004 03:13 PMThe issue of kids can be a deal breaker, but Y may not realize it. This is something you both have to face upfront.
Good luck!!
Posted by: Easy at March 21, 2004 12:12 AMI once knew someone who commited suicide! A cowardly act which only hurts the ones left behind..
The problem with this manipulative stuff, is that it is like enabling... one can only be manipulated if they play along... so perhaps it's a game they enjoy?
Posted by: Annette at March 20, 2004 08:33 PMember you said "I don't like Y. He is trying to manipulate you the way he did his wife. He's putting you in her role because that's his frame of reference. Run away..."
Well, I agree with you to about the halfway point. Only the manipulative can be manipulated. Thusly Helen is as much a part of the manipulation as Y or whomever...insert any name you wish because this is an on going "game". It just continues to repeat itself over and over.
The threat to committ suicide is pathetic! The majority of people who suicide don't threaten to do it, they just do it. The proper response to a suicide threat like the one Helen faced is "Let me move the car so that you don't land on it. I don't have the money to get the body work done."
Posted by: passenger at March 20, 2004 03:27 PMI hate fighting too. *hugs*
Posted by: Courtney at March 20, 2004 01:29 AMWell here's to your upcoming Happy Birthday little lady:
*Cheers*
Enjoy Praha.
As for U & Mr. Y, U2 sound like a typical couple to me. The good & bad of such things.
There is no perfekt couple, so I wouldn't stress too hard after the fact over those arguments... easier said than done of course.
Take Care.
P.S. I'd take London's cold gloomy weather over Cali's neverending sunshine any day of the week and 2wice on Sunday.
Posted by: Curator at March 20, 2004 12:34 AMwhere do we sent the birthday cards? :)
Posted by: melanie at March 20, 2004 12:22 AMI have thought long and hard about the whole kid thing, sorry to report, I got no more answers than when I started. My father was 36 when he had me, 41 when he had my brother, In some ways I felt alittle cheated because he is so much older, but I can't for the life of me name one example of how. About the only thing I can put a finger on is that he was at a different place than other kids parents. In hindsight I can't say this was bad, just different. For the record, he is 77 now, and still going strong.
When I was growing up I always said I wanted kids by the time I was 30, that seemed like a good age from a 20 something perspective. Now at 40 I still would like to have kids, I don't feel too old, hell, I barely feel ready.
For now I am leaving the max age to have kids open, I think it depends more on the person than a cronological time.
Posted by: Dane at March 20, 2004 12:02 AMok, so i'm cheesey...but all i can think of, reading your post is:
everything is gonna be allright
*smooch*
jamaica in may sounds lovely!
Posted by: kat at March 19, 2004 11:42 PMOk my precious Helen...I'm no expert on relationships but I'm wondering if maybe both parties should hold off on the "serious" issues for now?
As others have pointed out and you are so well aware, you and Mr. Y are both coming into this with a LOT on your shoulders right now. You're looking for something from him and he is probably doing the same....but since this is new...(yes, you were together before but this is still new), go in there with, as someone said, baby steps. One step at a time.
Get things worked out, you with finalizing things up in Sweden and your marriage and him with his and working out children and family and things like that..
Enjoy each other's company for now...you've waited so long to be back together...don't let the stress of the whole situation destroy it.
Support each other. It's not fair of him to say that you are being a burden...or however he worded it...but please try and hear what he's really saying. You get to do that too. Let him know there are areas you need support in as well and work as a team to get each other through this so that you can then concentrate fully on being the couple you are trying to be and THEN you can start approaching subjects like babies.
I am so glad that you both were able to apologize and calm down before that phone card ran out. Grazi a Dio! for that!
You know I already view you as a girl with a lot of character...you don't develop such character when everything is easy. You just don't.
Be patient and take a step back, support and remember why you two are together in the first place. You will see overtime that you will have built even MORE character.
It's hard Helen but I know you can do it. You can make it through this. You've made it through a lot...keep going. As someone once said to me, "There is a light at the end of that tunnel and it's NOT another train."
I think of you often. Best of luck sweetie.
Posted by: Serenity at March 19, 2004 11:24 PM"...I am bathing. Daily. Sometimes twice a day". Well, we want proof ;-).
Jiminy, Iīm glad you enjoyed your stay. Miguel.
Helen,
I'm very picky about relationships. Mine and other peoples so, you should probably ignore this, but... I don't like Y. He is trying to manipulate you the way he did his wife. He's putting you in her role because that's his frame of reference. Run away...
I have a baby solution for you though. Get foster kids. He can be as involved or disinvolved as he wants to be, and in ten years if you want to take some time off from parenting and vacation all over the world, you can.
Posted by: ember at March 19, 2004 04:57 PMGlad to hear you're bathing Helen.
I'm sure the people at Dream Job appreciate the effort too. ;)
Posted by: Gareth at March 19, 2004 04:41 PMJiminy-I owe you a mail, but be patient-internet access is around the corner! And I thought you'd be pleased to know (along with everyone else around me!) that I am bathing. Daily. Sometimes twice a day.
The little things :)
Posted by: Helen at March 19, 2004 04:20 PMYou've got to cut yourself some slack, Helen. The most stressful things in life are changing jobs, changing houses, and having kids. You've got two of the three. And you're shooting for the trifecta. And the relationship your leaving was abusive, so that adds to it all.
I've come to learn that our bodies are pretty smart. If you are craving warmth (and I think that it's also emotional warmth you're craving -- you've been out in the cold a little too long with X-PU), get some. Catch a flight to Southern Portugal. Lagos is beautiful. It's warm there, and the rock formations are incredible. Spend the weekend. Maybe even take a Monday off (if it's not too early in your new job to do that.) But your body knows what it needs.
Posted by: Jiminy at March 19, 2004 04:15 PMI have to disagree with Jennifer on the point of coming to see each others position. In case of children there is no middle ground. Either you have them or dont.
I think Mr. Y concern is that if he was to have a child over the next yr he would be in his 60's at his child H.S. graduation. Top it off that he already has two there probably isnt much for him to wanna go through it again.
I don't know Mr. Y but he may be one that is looking forward to 10 yrs down the road when he can consider retirement and travel with H without having to worry about planning for a young child to travel as well..
Just a thought.
Posted by: Drew at March 19, 2004 03:58 PMCan I address Mr.Y like that? lol...
Posted by: msd at March 19, 2004 03:53 PMPrague is one of my summer destinations, I canīt wait to get there. Itīs supposed to be very romantic... Mr.Y, smart move ;). You will both profit from it... Miguel.
Hang in there...we will all be with you no matter what. Obstacles can be overcome, that's why they are called that. You are a strong and wonderful person, adn worth everything to fight for. Y will come to understand, as you will begin to understand him as well. Thanks
Posted by: jennifer at March 19, 2004 03:46 PMWe are on different ends of the spectrum about babies. I want one. Badly. SO badly I could chew through steel. He has two already, and feels he will be too old when our children would be teenagers (he is almost 42 now). I can see his point, but...
...we have much discussing to do over this one.
Posted by: Helen at March 19, 2004 03:42 PMHelen, It sure sounds like you need a spring day. Here's wishing you a pleasant stroll thru a beautiful english garden very soon. In the mean time, take some deep breaths and take one challenge on at a time. > Marie
Posted by: Marie at March 19, 2004 03:42 PMIt's good to see that both of you seem to taking two steps back from the brink. But I am still confused from a entry from your entry on the 18th:
"the first being about a topic heavy on my mind (babies), culminating to last night, in which he was very angry that I didn't call him".
Is this something that both are you are at opposite position on? If both of you are dead set in your position then how can you long term overcome it where one of you will not be happy? Short term it can be shelved but 5, 10 yrs down the road?
Posted by: Drew at March 19, 2004 03:15 PMI can't say I know you well, but I have been reading long enough to realize you've been through an awful lot over the last year. Sometimes things just take a while to catch up with people. And even then sometimes it takes that little extra disappointing thing to send it over the edge - the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back." Hang in there, talking things through will help; I can't imagine maintaining a grown-up relationship over such a great distance. Good luck to both of you.
I haven't commented in a while because I've actually not read in a while. Work specifically and life in general have kept me so busy I had to come catch up anywhere lately.
I hope something very nice comes up in time for your birthday. If nothing does, take yourself off to some exotic location and soak up some sun so I can live vicariously through you. ;) Or just break out the sun lamp. :)
Posted by: Lisa at March 19, 2004 03:00 PMI'm sorry too. Marriages breaking up are one of the few things that really hurts my heart, and I wish it didn't happen for other people and pray it never happens to the super-model Mrs. Solomon and me:(
I hope your weekend in Sweeden is good.
Posted by: Solomon at March 19, 2004 02:23 PMJust keep in your mind what always happens....it all eventually works out with time. Especially for you. Seems to get real dark before it gets light. It'll come. The arguing will end and you will both fall into your niche'. Stay focused. You've made it this far.
Posted by: Rebecca at March 19, 2004 02:17 PMHelen, you sound SAD. Yes, capital letters are on purpose. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a literal killer. Trust me, after many years living in Buffalo I know that this shit is for real.
Too long under the cold, under the grey, under the dreary. When your desire for warmth and light becomes a need you have to take it seriously. If you can't take your vacation then get yourself to a spa for a day or two. Get warm, get relaxed, get under a sun lamp for a while.
You'll come out of there a different gal.
Posted by: Jim at March 19, 2004 12:29 PMSimon, mmhh, ermm, fdggd.... I love you. In a very heterosexual way, mind you. Helen, go get that sun, and go get it whit Y. What is happening to you two is not all unexpected. Like Simon said, you both carry a heavy load and it will take some time to ease it. Love, Miguel.
It's not going to be plain sailing from day one, especially given what you've both just come out of. You'll both work it out, that's why you finished the call with I love you rather than hanging up.
Y better not be using that company's mobile phones.
Posted by: Simon at March 19, 2004 11:43 AMHelen, it has all been said. I have to agree with the list idea, of must haves and would be nice to have. This way at least you can be honest with each other and see if there is some way you can accomodate each other.
I really hope things become smoother for you soon,
abs x