I am in a little cute town called St. Albans for a meeting today, and found a Mailboxes Etc. (of course!)
Now, I have been in telecom for over 6 years now. I have travelled all over, worked in all kinds of offices, and almost always have been the only American. And, in general, I work in a field where the men outnumber the women by perhaps 5 to 1.
With Dream Job, I am the only woman working in this product team, save for our administrative assistant. The only one. And, if you don't count our lovely antipodean friends, I am the only non-Brit.
This does not bother me.
It rather humors me.
But man I see a lot of good ol' boy behavior.
One of the first days, I noticed that men are very complimentary to me. Either because my bra was showing (I checked-it wasn't), the English are simply stunningly polite, or because they are not used to being around a chick in the workplace.
They were nervous as hell about telling jokes, too. They would glance nervously at me (will she admonish us? Will we get busted for sexual harrassment? Do I have diversity training in my future?) but I simply don't work like that. So once they realized I am "one of the boys" it was like being back in summer camp. Or like babysitting without geting paid.
I noticed in one large meeting that the men around the table would talk, and then from time to time, when they leaned back in their wheely chairs and absorbed something someone else said, they would reach one hand inside of their shirts and play with their nipple idly, listening to the discourse.
I kid you not.
They didn't seem to notice when they did it, and I wondered what their reaction would be if I reached inside my shirt and just popped the nubbin up.
I didn't test it.
In another meeting, I was seated next to a man running for the World's Most Revolting Man contest. His aim was thus: he would fall asleep at intervals, waking up when his elbow dropped off the table, and when he was awake he would click his mechanical pencil, and took the protruding lead and cleaned the inside of his ear with it. I almost vomited.
But it got worse. He then sat with his legs spread and ran the lead on the inside of his thigh, listening to the speaker and perhaps not even aware that he was doing it. So pervy was turning himself on with his office supplies while I had to hope to god he woke the fuck up and knocked it off.
I got out my anti-bacterial hand gel and cleaned off my hands. It was the closest thing to a shower I would get at that moment.
The men say lots of things now, too, since they know I won't be offended. If something is in trouble, it's "gone tits up". When talking about a disagreement, it's "time to get out the handbags". But the best one so far was when one man, a telecom vendor for whom Dream Job (and myself) are their customer, said "Bob's your uncle." Thinking of my blog, I laughed and repeated what he said.
He replied, "And Fanny's your aunt!"
Then he looked at me, horrified. See, a fanny in the US is a bottom (I used to get mine threatened with spankings, I should know.) But in the UK, a fanny is a minge. A box. A beaver. A hoo-hoo.
Makes me feel sorry for women named Fanny.
He swallowed, and I grinned largely. "A fanny is something different to me, as an American, than it is to you." I replied.
"I am so sorry. I absolutely didn't mean to refer to your...um..." he stammered, turning red.
The Dream Job team was laughing hysterically.
"It's just an expression, and I realize how incorrect it is. You see, in England..." he tried again.
The Dream Job team were making digging motions behind his back, in perfect synchronization.
"I am so terribly sorry." He continued. "I wasn't trying to talk about sexual organs, I..."
Finally one of his colleagues came up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Mate..." he said to him, observing my enormous pleasure at his discomfort, "Just shut the fuck up."
I love this job.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at March 23, 2004 09:19 AM | TrackBackFollowing on from Simon's comment, it might be worth me mentioning that every Aussie and Kiwi I've met gets really offended at being referred to as Antipodean.
Posted by: Gareth at March 24, 2004 09:34 AMOoooh, I think we should list all the pussy words. Snatch, pussy, hoo-hoo, yum-yum, cookie, scooter, coochie snorcher, cunt, pudendum... umm, help me out people?
Posted by: ember at March 24, 2004 08:32 AM"With Dream Job, I am the only woman working in this product team, save for our administrative assistant. The only one. And, if you don't count our lovely antipodean friends, I am the only non-Brit."
On behalf of all your Antipodean readers, I accept that you don't realise what a faux-pas that is. If you don't count the Aussies and Kiwis then half of friggin' London doesn't exist.
That said the rest of the post was damn funny so I'll let it go this time.
Posted by: Simon at March 24, 2004 06:38 AMI agree with Rufus. Let's hear about the spankings! Was it ex-partnet unit who used to administer them?
Helen! I never know what to expect from your blog, depression, motivation or horniness! Now, thanks to you I'm gonna have to go have a wank!
S
Posted by: Steve P at March 24, 2004 05:31 AMYou used to get spanked!? Cool! >:-)
Pretty please with sugar on top tell us aout it. Were they bare bottom?!
Posted by: Rufus at March 24, 2004 05:18 AMyes, well, the US is a bit lawsuit mad...
At one point in life, I was the one (and first) girl on the cross-country team. We used to have to get up gawdawful early to drive hours to competitions. We'd sleep on the way, in the van, and little conversations would start as the boys woke up. I learned a lot about men from listening.
I find, however, that women chatting tend to be as crude, if not more so, than men. It's cute when they get all embarassed about it, but when you're the sex that has to deal with the mess of a period once a month for 40 years or so, it's hard to get embarassed about nicknames.
The good ole' boy crudity doesn't bother me - it's the missed promotions and automatic assumption that the females are a) brainless and/or b) there to serve and/or c) should always defer. I've had men tell me that if I acted more like a woman, they wouldn't have a problem with me. Honestly!
Posted by: Courtney at March 24, 2004 02:01 AMDude! St. Alban's is just up the road from me! I'm in Enfield Town.
More minge euphemisms from Roger's Profanisaurus:
Beef curtains
Piss flaps
Billingsgate box (Billingsgate is a fish market)
and more . . .
Posted by: angel at March 24, 2004 12:05 AMOh, how I long to work with with humans who are not menopausal women!! You lucky tw...er, I mean, good on you!
Posted by: Kaetchen at March 23, 2004 11:03 PM>>FUCK comes from 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge' a charge >>brought against prostitutes in Ireland back in the dark ages
Urban legend, I'm afraid. In any case, how could anyone in the dark ages dream up an acronym based on modern English? The OED cites usages of the word dating back to the early sixteenth century, and there are cognate words in several Germanic and Scandinavian languages.
End of pedantic rant.... ;)
Posted by: John at March 23, 2004 09:14 PMI've had the same type of experience. When I was dating my husband, I flew over for a weekend with him at Catterick Infantry Training Center. As an American officer, you get used to profanity and the quaint turn of phrase from the guys fairly quickly.
We were upstairs in the Officers Mess TV room watching First Knight, or whatever it's called with Richard Gere and Julia Ormond. Julia came onscreen for some type of romantic scene and there's this heavy silence then one of the guys says "Julia Ormond - she's lovely, she is!" And the other guys chime in with "Oh yes, she's lovely." Prompting me to later ask once we're back in his room if all the single officers are so boring and staid. He informed me that they are being POLITE, a concept I as an American female might not recognize, and that if I hadn't been there the comments would have been much bawdier - another great word. As the woman, I guess you have to break the ice.
My favorite British word is wanker.
The worst situation professionally for me happened in a meeting of all Captains - I was the legal advisor and only female. At some point during the meeting the senior CPT Commander got angry at the uniform for debarking from the plane once they arrived in Macedonia. He described the garrison cap as a "cunt cap" and said he absolutely objected to wearing it.
After the meeting broke, one of the other captains followed me in the hall to say the lead CPT was really sorry and embarassed and said he'd been sent out to apologize to me and beg me not to make an EEO complaint. I was standing with other CPTS at the time.
I told the messenger to go back and tell the speaker that I was not offended by the language, but I WAS offended that he'd single me out as the one female who should have been offended and implied I was enough of a wuss to go to EEO in stead of settling it right then and there. As I stated to him "If I was offended with D's comment, I hope he knows I have enough balls to tell him so to his face! Wanker!" THAT went a long way to breaking the boundaries. In like Flynn! :)
Posted by: Oda Mae at March 23, 2004 07:23 PMi miss working with guys. it must be fun.
keep em on their toes helen! ;-)
Posted by: kat at March 23, 2004 06:05 PM"Tits-Up" has got to be one of the all time greats. We use it in the military to describe an individual who is sick or a piece of gear that is inoperable. Tits-Up is basically another way of saying flat on ones back.
Bob's Your Uncle is a new one on me.... Do the Brits still say "Tallywacker?"....
Posted by: gymrat at March 23, 2004 06:04 PMFUCK comes from 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge' a charge brought against prostitutes in Ireland back in the dark ages... became shortened in the Courts to a 'F.U.C.K. Charge' then evolved into to 'you've been charged with fucking', etc...I assume.
Posted by: Phil at March 23, 2004 05:20 PMDidn't they talk about hoo hoos throughout "Dude, Where's my Car?" I thought it sounded familiar.
Posted by: new girl at March 23, 2004 05:17 PMWell I was 'absolutely traumatized by the sight of Jannette's tit'; thought it was the sorriest looking puppy I've seen in a long time. Didn't meet my expectations I guess.
How about it ladies; would you prefer a work place where you are expected to walk around and attend business meetings topless? And guys are constantly 'firming the worm'?
BTW does anybody know where the word fuck comes from?
Posted by: Roger at March 23, 2004 05:02 PMGreat story...just perfect with me morning espresso. : ).
It's funny tho...if someone had said "fuck" right there in front of god and a woman whilst in the US of A, it would have been a automatic sexual harassment suit.."in house" of course. But then of course I'm referring to a entire nation that is absolutely traumatized by the sight of Jannette's tit, and at the same time seems to take the adventures of the Bush administration, both domestic and foreign, in a Ho Hum manner... (Come to think of it the phrase "tits up" would also get one's tit in the wringer)
Posted by: passenger at March 23, 2004 04:00 PMGreat post, H! I knew the brits were an odd folk, but damn... firming the worm in a meeting is just too weird. ;)
Posted by: dave at March 23, 2004 03:32 PMI miss working in a big office, with lots of people. Glad to ear you´re cooping well with the change. The post before this one got me thinking, you said "There was England. Could it be that I felt lighter for being home?". Isn´t it funny the way you are adjusting to a new reality? Love, Miguel.
Posted by: msd at March 23, 2004 03:22 PMI'm kinda partial to Hoo Ha or woobie myself.
Posted by: Paul at March 23, 2004 03:08 PMIsn't hoo hoo pronounced "who who," while Santa goes "ho ho?"
Sweddish accents (do they really sound like the chef from the Muppets?)...British accents...American accents...I'm sure Santa's a player in at least a some of them, though.
***
I'm very glad you're feeling happy right now, Helen, at least when you typed up the post. I discovered your blog shortly after starting to break up with my long-term g/f, so it's been a rather intense sympathetic experience following your adventures. Just saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last weekend...you should watch it when it comes out in England.
Good luck.
Posted by: Harangutan at March 23, 2004 02:34 PMIsn't it interesting how many words there are? I am mystified by the phrase "Bob's your uncle". Hoo-hoo is a southern term, so I've heard that one. "Minge" is a new one on me. Not sure if I'll ever use it. Think I'll stick with the 20 or so pseudonyms I have for it.
Glad to hear you're able to be 'one of the boys'. I had to take some stuff down off my desk that someone complained about. Photo's from an amateur porn studio (No photo's of people, just equipment), and some humorous documents.
It pissed me off because I was careful to place the items where the only way you could see them was with binoculars from the street, or if you were sitting at my desk. And they were work pictures.
Someday I will figure out who it was...
Posted by: Easy at March 23, 2004 02:19 PMI had the same problem Meg, this helped.
http://www.word-detective.com/back-f.html
I am going to leave any speculation about the true meaning of fanny behind me as I am American
One that still cracks me up is the difference in the meaning of the word "chopper" here is slang for helicopter, and every news channel has one, "Chopper 2", "Chopper 4" etc. apparently the meaning in the UK is just a bit different, if they use a story where the anchor person says something like "and now reporting from chopper 2 is joe smith" it has to be dubbed over to say "and now reporting from helicopter 2..."
Having worked in that business, I find this extremly amusing =)
Dane
Posted by: Dane at March 23, 2004 02:18 PMI've never understood the origins of either saying. Where *did* "Bob's your uncle" come from?
Posted by: Meg at March 23, 2004 12:22 PM:-) Nothing like watching someone squirm in discomfort while they are digging themselves deeper and deeper, are aware of it and just can't stop. I know from experience. From both sides, of course.
Now, the interesting thing to me is that while there are several ideas where that Bob thing came from, no one seems to have a clue how Fanny got into that phrase.
Posted by: Gudy at March 23, 2004 12:18 PMA hoo hoo? Oooh, that's a new one for me. I'll never look at Santa the same way again. LOL
Posted by: Jim at March 23, 2004 12:13 PM