Monday I had a meeting in a town called Ipswich, which may mean nothing to most people but to me meant I had to drag my ass to a meeting on the other side of the damn country.
So-for a three hour meeting, I got the thrilling opportunity to drive 4 hours each way in London rush hour traffic, with my bottom falling asleep nicely in the meantime. On the way home, I stopped and bought a cup of coffee, which I deposited back in a service station toilet approximately two hours later.
Once home, Mr. Y and I went to the gym. I worked out on the elliptical trainer, going a total of 2.5 miles in 20 minutes. The problem is, I didn't actually go anywhere-I just swung my legs and arms around like a jackrabbit on meth, I never actually went anywhere on my 2.5 miles. Then I lifted many circuit weights, 15 pounds of weights in this set, 25 pounds in this set....but nothing got moved. I didn't relocate anything. And finally I rode my stationary bike like Paris Hilton on the new guy, going a total of 3 miles. But...you guessed it...I didn't bike anywhere. I didn't get any closer to the bank of TV screens in the front, I didn't have a change in scenery.
Maybe life is like that. It's a series of constants, a perpetual ends to a means. You can't have any more than you already have, and if you get something new you have to give something up. Rather like Lent, I guess, but without the annoying sandalwood and the lust for chocolate. I get a new Dream Job, I have to leave the old job behind. I have my Mr. Y, and I lose another part of my life. It's all a series of checks and balances.
The glass isn't half full since you're trying to prove you're an optimist. It's half-full since it can't be full. Maybe if it became full then somewhere a pigeon would fall to the earth and die or something. It's just not in the big scheme of things.
So this morning when I get on my train and ride for an hour and a half, and then the tube journey that I have for 45 minutes gets me to the office, I will only be there for 5 hours before I turn back around and travel another two hours and a bit. I will be right back where I started from. It's almost like I hadn't left, only the sun will be lower, I will be 7 hours older, and I will have missed the crap daytime TV.
Sometimes it does my head in to think about it. I spend a lot of time in some kind of transport taking me somewhere. It's rather like flying-when I'm flying, I feel like I am officially losing hours of my life. I are suspended in animation while the world goes on, and I'm missing out on it. Not like I would be doing anything useful anyway, like curing cancer or figuring out how to create Mr. Y's idea about the Orgamsatron (it's only a matter of time, people). Just daily living.
When I am on that elliptical trainer, sometimes I want to stop my little mechanical monkey feet and just hold still. You're not going anywhere, Helen. I tell myself. What's the fucking point? But the motivation to be healthy, have a tight little package, or simply boredom reigns, and I just keep my little mechanical monkey feet going.
I miss those hours of my life, hours that could provide me comfort, inspiration, or at least all the coffee I can drink. I know it's a part of life, that all this going to anywhere will get me somewhere, I just can't help feeling depressed and blue sometimes, that I am going such great distances, and simply have nothing to show for it.
The more I go places with my life, the more I seem to go nowhere.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at April 27, 2004 06:54 AM | TrackBackIpswitch,
Sorry, that only reminds me of the classic horror by H.P. Lovecraft. Actually, the whole post had elements of horror in it.
Brass.
Perspective is everything, Helen. From halfway around the world, I envy you for living in London. I see myself as doing much more with myself, or being far more "cultured" as it were, if I had that kind of experience. I see life as being a series of the mundane and the everyday. It's why I try, as best I can, to spice things up every now and then. By trying to find the smile amidst the mundane, is how we can enrich our days, and thus, our lives. I don't believe the future is any place for better days. It sounds rather cliche, but live for now, live for you.
Brian Kinney
Los Angeles, California
I'd do anything to avoid the M25 and driving near London. Normally, I prefer to drive than to take the train (it's normally cheaper, too) but my nerves can't take sitting still on a motorway for lengthy periods of time.
Posted by: Ollie at April 27, 2004 06:19 PMI think the gym stands for what's wrong in alot of our lives. Kids don't have existential angst- they also don't have jobs, and for excercise, they play games! Dosen't adulthood suck sometimes? You should find another boxing class- it's alot more fun, and more productive.
Oh sweetie. You just put your finger right on it, didn't you? Could I please have the brain back now? I know we're sharing it and all, but my employer thinks I need it at least one day a week.
Seriously, this is *exactly* what I've been struggling with the past few days. Pieces come, pieces go. Nothing improves long-term. One part gets easier, another gets harder. It's like our lives are already weighed out and found wanting.
As for Solomon's comment about finding God...whoosh. Le Coq and I both believe that if we *could* believe, it would significantly strengthen and improve our lives. But we CAN'T. We just can't. So instead we climb back into the hamster cage and hope for the best.
Hoping gets hard sometimes.
Posted by: Kaetchen at April 27, 2004 05:28 PMI think you've just stated exactly why I hate them gym. The idea of sitting on a machine going nowhere makes my blood run cold. I'd rather go outside and rollerblade or ride my bike or do some yard work.
Posted by: emily at April 27, 2004 05:21 PMNotlob?
Pun?
You can't blame British Rail for that?
Orgasmatron was from Sleeper.
Yes I am a dork. How nice of you to notice.
Posted by: Guinness at April 27, 2004 05:10 PMAs one who has little tolerance for those on the road who prefer to waste my time AND as one who has spent far too many hours on public transportation, I know how horrid it can be. I've written about some of my adventures.
Nonetheless...I try very hard to relish every moment instead of looking at it as something dreadful I have to do. Whatever positives you can find out of it...it can be the smallest, simplest thing. For example, how lucky you are that you can drive. How nice the weather is...well, you're in England...ok, pick a different one...but seriously, try to find the joy in that journey.
One time, a friend and I rented a car and purposely got stuck in rush hour traffic just to learn to enjoy it and we had a blast! What was even greater is that we were realizing the positive sides of congestion and noticed many drivers were upset. It looks very funny to see other drivers practically have heart failure on the road for something they just cannot change. If it's something you cannot or are not willing to change, then find the positives in it.
Finally....you think you're going nowhere? You think you have nothing to show for it? You wanna make a difference Helen? I'm not sure what I'm hearing. But I will say this, if you think that some things in your life are starting to become mundane...go volunteer somewhere, don't give me any excuses as to why you can't....go give your time to someone who will appreciate every second of it and never think it's being wasted. When you help other people, your world starts to change too.
Posted by: Serenity at April 27, 2004 05:04 PMKat, orgasmatron takes me to the Woody Allen universe (Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask).
Helen, did you just turn 30? I think your post sugests so... ;-) Miguel.
Hey Helen,
You got further than I did. I put on gym clothes and never made it to the gym. Stopped at Starbucks and opened my laptop and worked on some ontology based numerical computation. Got too exhausted so I went home. No exercise and the computation wasn't happening either.
Posted by: Roger at April 27, 2004 03:49 PMHere Here!!
Posted by: Rebecca at April 27, 2004 03:20 PMI get to take the Long Island Railroad to work. Believe me, if I had to slog my way through traffic on the Van Wyck and the Grand Central every day...I'd be dead of a heart attack in a month. My normal, rational self seems to flee every time I get into the driver's seat of a car. I turn into this horrible, yell-at-other-drivers, maniac, who seems to think that the extra 15 feet I'll save by cutting off that car next to me is worth severe physical injury.
Now I take the train and, ahhhhhhh, 45 minutes of reading a book, sleeping, whatever I want to do. No worries, just relaxing. No diapers to change, no screaming children wanting cake at 7:30 a.m., just me and my book.
Take the train, Helen.
Posted by: Jiminy at April 27, 2004 03:01 PMI know exactly what you mean by this post. I had been doing the samething in my life which is what motivated me to make a few changes and get things moving about some...
Posted by: Wired Nerve at April 27, 2004 02:56 PMH-
the key to life , or so I've been told, is to enjoy the journey. Certainly there are goals..jobs, selection of life partners, etc (ps I say go for the tight package!!), but living a full life means enjoying the process through which you seek to attain these goals.
Think of the process as a art form. As you ride your little bike or take your daily commute you are creating something. If you don't like what you are creating, change it.
I know this seems like an oversimplification, but it does work - I am living proof.
BTW..even though your life, as you describe it, is sometimes blue. The way you describe it makes it seem like the most beautiful, gentle, and soft shade of blue imaginable.
Feel good post #146,
Jimi
I understand fully. My commute went from 15 min each way to an hour and 15 min each way. Each month it feels like I am giving 5 weeks to my job but only getting paid for 4.
Only thing I can suggest is prehaps you can use the time on the commute to update your journal. This way the time will be used in a way you may enjoy and can update us on the fly if you see something amusing on the train.
Solomon-God is just a filler (like Mueller Lite. Fills holes. The English folk will get that, anyway). In life, we all have holes that we all seek to fill. Some use religion, some use building model boats, some use alcohol, some build families. You can read my post and think: "She's missing (component A)." Which I likely am. I don't think that component is religion-been there, done that, have the flagellation scars and burnt out conscience to prove it.
The odds of me "finding god" are about as high as me taking a job at Company X again.
I also wasn't aware I was supposed to look for god.
My final say on that one!
Posted by: Helen at April 27, 2004 01:58 PMsometimes i let my imagination take me places when i'm "going nowhere." makes for cheap and interesting traveling. :-)
so what is this orgasmatron supposed to do exactly? i'm intrigued!
Posted by: kat at April 27, 2004 01:48 PMJackrabbits on meth, orgasmatrons and deep soul searching. Yep, you're still the best.
Posted by: tommy at April 27, 2004 01:44 PMHave him work on the "Robostitute" -- or Robotic Prostitute -- it will piston him silly, never complain, and then get up and make him a sandwich afterward --
Then slug him. He's got you, he shouldn't even be thinking of anything else ...
My Myst is my dream come true -- I think she stays awake at night thinking of ways to spoil me.
Now, if I could only think of a way to get out of going to work (it isn't the best job in the world, but it does pay the mortgage) .... ah, well .. ~sigh ~
Ky
Without God life has little or no significant meaning. All of one's efforts, trials, and accomplishments amount to nothing in the end, and indeed life amounts to being a hamster on a running wheel. Dane rightfully points out that in a sense the journey actually becomes the goal.
But with God life has great meaning, because we know our actions do matter and there's something beyond the end of this life.
I know you prefer not to have discussions of God here Helen, but your comment begged the topic to be brought up; because as I see it, God (or rather the lack of God) is at the center of this dilemma.
Posted by: Solomon at April 27, 2004 01:22 PMIt's salutary to reflect that if you could drive all the way from Newbury to Ipswich on a congestion-free motorway at a comfortably illegal 75mph, you could complete the journey in two hours. I suspect that the A12 has been improved somewhat since I lived in England, but congestion-free is not situation you find very often on the M25!
Posted by: Gareth at April 27, 2004 01:16 PMI hate traffic. Despise it totally and completely. That's why I moved to Atlanta.
(that was sarcasm ;-)
I used to get up at 4:00 just to miss traffic going to work. Boss Lady decided to remove flex hours so I've been coming in during rush hour and it has made me miserable on a daily basis. I can drive anywhere no matter how long it takes and not have a problem with it - unless there's waiting in traffic involved.
But Boss Lady is now Latest Ex-Boss so I'm going back to earlier hours. Yay!
Posted by: Jim at April 27, 2004 01:11 PMHetty, believe me-that's the LAST time I drive to Ipswich.
Angel-I had thought that there was already a product called that! Hmmm...need to get to a thesaurus now and find a new name...hmmm....
Posted by: Helen at April 27, 2004 11:15 AMDROVE to ispswich?? what about a train?? i LOVE taking the train through England. :)
Posted by: hetty at April 27, 2004 10:06 AMFirst off, the glass is not half full, from an engineers point of view, someone made the glass twice as big as it needs to be. =)
You have touched on the driving point of behind what introduced me to the world of depression. We slave away doing things we don't really enjoy, for people we don't really like, and for what? to watch our loved ones die off around us, and watch ourselves get older, hoping that when we go there is someone who cares enough to notice.
The only solution I have found is to try my very hardest to make the journey my goal. To grasp onto each part of this trip we call life and make the most of the experiences available. So often once we have attained some preset goal it turns out not to be what we expected from the outset. For this reason I say, you best try to enjoy the scenery along the way, it maybe all you get from the trip
Posted by: Dane at April 27, 2004 09:55 AMRe: orgasmatron: Mr Y might have to come up with a new name:
http://www.paramountzone.com/orgasmatron.htm
I've got one of these, and they're delightful!
Posted by: angel at April 27, 2004 08:52 AMI think I kinda know what you're feeling. Mine is a similar situation except that when I say I'm not going anywhere -- it's because I'm really not going anywhere. And my glass isn't half full because I can't fill it up. It's only half full because the 4 lovely children (read: damn kids) keep drinking my water. Kids - can't live with 'em, can't sell 'em on eBay.
What's a Mom to do? I have to take pleasure in the little things. The "jackrabbit on meth" comment just made my day.