Everyday Stranger

Helen, dear, I apparently missed the uproar - I'll have to go read the Mrs. DuT's words, I guess - Doesn't matter whatever it is.
Your new picture is absolutely gorgeous. Just darling.
Your life will get better. I promise! Mr. Y's family will get over it.

I know from experience, believe me! And I'm nowhere near as cute as you are. Just hang in there, sweetie.

Thanks for the compliments on my new pic :)

No doc yet, but one in sight after I move, that's for sure.

And about the Seagull? I am gearing myself up. I amy not want to deal with him, but I am beginning to see that I have to. Without torching his place, that is :)

One can only help that LB's family has now entered the second stage of mourning. They've gotten through the anger and are now attempting to negotiate with him. Hopefuly in 6 months or so they'll ease their way into acceptance once they see that LB is happier with you than with his ex. Good luck :-)

The new pic is indeed gorgeous. I can't believe you hate your haircut when it looks so cute on you.

Then again, I've had hairdos that others liked while I personally loathed 'em. So, uh, never mind. But it is an adorable picture.

Have you tried burning the Seagull's home to the ground? That usually works.

I love your new picture. In my humble opinion it is the most flattering one to date. Plus, what's this - a sunny day in the U.K.?
You should keep it up for a while.

I had to run off this morning, but I see that others have weighed in to say it. Annie said it best, so I won't elaborate.

Remember, Time Wounds All Heels :-D

Seeing a doc, dearie?

What Annie said - and then some!

Why did he tell you about this e-mail? There was nothing you could do about it and it obviously hurt. There are some things you don't need to know. He should have handled it with the sis-in-law, who is also not the brightest bulb for sending it in the first place. (Top tip - try to avoid putting stuff like that in an e-mail. Better to make a poison phone call, no way to keep a copy and dwell on it.)

You might want to give Mr. Y a break from the touchy-feely lets talk about how I FEEL at this moment stuff. Unless you get him drunk first. Men aren't into validation, to use another touchy-feely word, they're about problem solving. You need to make a good chick friend, and QUICK! By chick, I mean someone who can cuss, smoke and drink with you in emergencies. I'm available if you've got the airfare. :)

*sigh*

(((hugs)))

I'm sorry.

Remember tho that the email was from one person, not the whole family. And perhaps focus on creating a connection with just one member of the family?

It was inevitable, Helen. This kind of ‘tectonic’ shift in families doesn’t just rumble and realign without notice. When the players in the script of a family’s life change, without notice, the rest of the ‘cast’ has to shift and shuffle and try to figure out what happened. To the extent they are not informed, they will fill the void with conjecture. Put their own spin on things. Create ‘plugs’ for the hole in the fabric of the family.

Mr Y’s family had a long-term relationship with the ex Ms Y. Regardless of how close or how distant they were with her, she was a known quantity. Suddenly, she’s no longer a part of their clan. Everybody looks around to see if anyone else knows why? Lots of shoulder-shrugging., No official updates or explanations from Mr Y. Folks kept in the dark, not given the opportunity to ask questions, proffer their opinions, assimilate the new information get edgy -- feel disrespected. It doesn’t matter whether it’s rational or not – that’s the way human beings operate.

Scene 2: A replacement person (you) is brought into the family constellation. They have no idea who this person is, have had no opportunity to hear about her in preparation for meeting her. They’re still trying to figure out what happened to the known-player (ex-Ms.Y) while simultaneously being expected to welcome the New Player to the family bosom. Still no opportunity to question or vent.

It’s classic. As long as Mr Y fails to invite his family to ask their questions, listen to his explanations, hear him ask for their understanding of what underlies this abrupt change in his life, it’s going to sit on the family table like a huge pile of steaming dung. That, up to now, no one had the courage to point to and say, “Doesn’t anybody notice that there’s a pile of dung on our table?! Isn’t anyone going to try to clean it up?!”

Mr Y’s family was being well-mannered and ‘proper’ when you were introduced to them. That event was all about ‘social grease’ – it had nothing to do with genuine acceptance and affection. You know that. It’s what polite people (dazed and confused though they may be) do. The genuine connection that you so badly wanted to occur at the get-go is very likely to happen in time.

The operant word here is ‘time’. You cannot demand that these people shift their loyalties so cavalierly in order to relieve your trepidation and sense of alienation. Your feelings are spot on: You *are* the alien. Relax. That’s not a Bad Thing. It’s perfectly rational, reasonable. It will change over time . . . as you develop your own reputation with his family as a person they can trust and respect. That connection is not your entitlement – it’s earned.

Consider the possibility that given that Mr Y and you are the agents of this significant change in his family, it is the two of you who will need to be extremely flexible in helping his family adjust. You need to be the rubber bands here. It is unfair to expect his family to make the difficult accommodations. They didn’t get a vote on this. They don’t have the advantage of the heady emotions that propelled you and Mr Y into your ‘merger’.

It will require much patience on your part, Helen. It is not walking into a store and buying a candy bar. You are going to have to exist in a quiet corner, constant and approachable, giving them the time and space to come to acceptance – and ultimately the desire to ‘give’ you the candy bar.

I’d wager that Mr Y’s SIL’s taking the lid off this Family Secret may be the best thing you could have hoped for? It stops the side-stepping, the dance of avoidance. I’m hoping Mr Y seizes the opportunity (yes, he has to do this WITHOUT you there) to give his kin the chance to understand.

This isn’t about your ‘worthiness’. You are absolutely worthy of their respect, regard and maybe even their affection. It’s about the need for Mr Y to “take care of (family) business”.

You can do this, Helen. You know how to take care of yourself. Stay focused and trust your inner wisdom. One step at a time . . . .

True, many good comments here. Only one person can decide.... and that's you. While other's comments may be helpful, you can live only one person's life, and that's your life. Do what your heart tells you to do. IMO, Mr. Y is not yet commited to the relationship... maybe you need time on your own, in your own place, to find out who you are. These are my thoughts, not yours... so listen to your own heart. Good luck : )

I can't really add anything to the excellent comments you've received about this already. I wish I could, but everyone's right: It's just going to take time, and what animosities don't resolve over time will say far more about what kind of people they are than they ever will about you. Let them own that, and don't hold yourself responsible for how they feel.

Hehe...keyboards and Swedish can be a mess. Do what I do, just use 'a' and 'o' instead of åä and ö and let the receiver figure out what is what ;)
The worst part for me is to switch the way of thinking so it won't sound stupid. It's kinda embarrassing to sound like a foreigner in your native country *grin*
Hope your day is going okiday :)

H,
It's hard when people form opinions of you (and your character) before even giving you a chance to give them an accurate impression of what a good person you are.

I didn't expect any ringing endorsements from any of the women in Y's family. I don't know if the sister-in-law speaks for everyone, just for all the ladies, or just herself. Don't lose sleep over things you can't change. Keep being true to yourself and to Y and if they're smart they'll come around otherwise chuck 'em. No, not Y!

In regards to the asshat consultants... Don't let him/them diminish what've you've accomplished so far and what you're capable of accomplishing on behalf of Dream Job in the future!

Perhaps you are the target of a diabolical conspiracy plan hatched between the sister-in-law and Seagull. Silly birds.

Chin up, little flame. Just because everyone doesn't see the value in you doesn't mean the rest of the world is blind as well.

hang in there darling. you've gone through so much transition, so much newness, so much period, that it's no big surprise that there's a bit of fallout. just hang on. you're doing great. really. you'll weather this storm and the next and the next. xoxoxo

and i don't know what this feminazi crapola is about, but it sounds like a royal pain in the arse. ignore em.

Hey Helen,

Just hang in there. The only opinions that count re: your relationship with Mr. Y are yours and his. If his family isn't welcoming now, perhaps they will be later. If not later, than yes, you will have a harder time than if they wrap their arms around you and give you a hug; in that case you'll just have to work harder to show the world the strength of your couplehood. But most important is how you feel about him, how he feels about you and how you can work together, and be there for each other.

Good luck with the move.

And yes, I came because of the Mrs. Du T....I agree about the last name thing...I hate it when people call me Mrs. A. Glad to have found your writing though...

be well,
Rachel Ann

Could this have been her not-so-discreet way of testing Mr. Y's feelings? Is it possible that she wasn't attempting to push you away, but to cautiously test her brother's intentions? Could she be simply too "English" to have voiced some of her concerns to the both of you? (I only put that in quotes because the only English people I knew were "too proper" to speak ill to someone in public and therefore thought the appropriate method of verifying (or not) their information was to go behind the back of the person in question and talk to everyone else.) If that's the case, then maybe Mr. Y was as upset at her methods as you were but unable to express it. Then when finding himself questioned he became insecure about his family's importance to him? That doesn't make it ok, but if there were a reason for his reaction wouldn't it make it more understandable?

I'm saddened to read your writing about this incident as though it's the beginning of the end for you two. I think grown-up relationships are the hardest to maintain, because of the level of intimacy you must allow. And it doesn't come overnight. Communication and understanding what your partner really means can be difficult forever. But they don't have to spell disaster. Sometimes all it takes is another approach, or maybe just some time alone to reflect on words that could have been better chosen.

Which brings me to writing. You are very good at expressing your feelings in writing. How about if next time you're feeling insecure about events or where you stand you start writing? Not necessarily here, because it's too open for feelings still in process between you, but maybe a letter or a special off-line file you could both add to. Sort of like a 2-person diary. You could write out your insecurities before voicing them, he could read them before reacting to them, and you both might enjoy the time to think about your feelings about what was written before actually discussing it together. Later, when you're old and gray together, you can open it up and reflect on how far you've come and the obstacles you had to leap to get there.

You deserve to get what you want, and you're worth much more than the value you allow other peoples' opinions to create for you. (Sorry for the novel, here.)

Ouch. Honey, I'm so sorry that this is happening. It sounds contrite, but hang in there. The only thing that is going to help with the family situation is time. Don't be the Interloper, be the Long-Haul Girl. With the recent (at least to his family) breakup and everything, by sticking around, and unfortunately bearing the brunt of their barbs, you will show them that you're there because you really want to be there.
I don't remember if I read it or not, but do you have a therapist in England yet?

Helen, if you have to judge yourself by how others see you, why are you not taking the blog readers into account? I would think that Jim alone would fill up whatever lack there is in the self-esteem caused by the e-mails. Much less everyone else. Including me.

Karen-desperately trying, but I tend to base how I view myself on how others view me. So when someone takes me down a peg, I take myself down, too.

By the way-I loved the book. And I bought her new one, which just came out, and am happy to send it on to you when I am done. Let me know!

Don't. Don't. Don't. Well, just DON'T.
You can't let words from someone else shape how you feel about yourself. Sinister in Law (on purpose) doesn't know you and only wants to hurt you so you will go away. Don't fall into her trap. It is so much easier to point a finger at someone else than it is to admit that maybe two people just can't get along. They obviously were not getting along before you got there or they wouldn't have split up. None of his family have had a chance to really get to know you so how does she know how they feel about you???? She is just stirring up shit.

Don't let her drive the wedge in. Just Don't!!

I had a good friend who brought his current girlfriend around to a very close family type of gathering. It might seem appropriate in some circumstances, but this was the type of gathering where we didn't bring casual significant others. She showed up in an outfit that looked like she was going clubbing. I took an instant dislike to her.

Months went by and he never really bothered to make the effort to have his best friends know her (he's not longer my friend by the way). One day, when he was away at school, I saw her at a club and decided to bite the bullet and try. I didn't want to really. But I just thought I should. Within 2 months she was one of the best friends I could ever hope to find.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that alot of times, it's hard to really care when you have baggage with someone new. There are two things that can happen here. One, you will forever tolerate "some" of them because let's face it, you can't love and want to spend time with everyone in Mr. Y's family and friends circle. Two, eventually they'll get to know you, you'll get to know them. And they will be your friends and family too. Give it time and don't be so hard on yourself hon.

I 'm late for work--forgot to set the alarm--but I wanted to say something here.

Polite tolerance is the best you could have hoped for here. Y's family is still unsure what's going to happen. Is this a temporary rift with his wife? Are you the transition girl? They don't know. Only time will tell them.

Just hang in there. You'll be fine.

I really do have more, but I have to run!

Oh, and to anyone who surfed in as a result of the flame wars -- Helen is most definitely not a feminazi. She has her own opinions and convictions, which is how it should be.

Helen,
Its early in your relationship (at least to his family it is) and perhaps it is unrealistic to expect them to immediately embrace you. Time will tell, and in the meanwhile just keep being yourself: pleasant, open, and honest, and in the long run they will come around or they won't. It really isn't your problem what they might think of you as long as everyone can be adult and polite when need be. It may not be perfect, but there's nothing particularly wrong with it either. Concentrate on those kids. They're the ones that do matter.

I was thinking along the same lines as Random. Don't take the sister's opinion as being from the whole family. From what you've written that second meeting with Mum was quite better than tolerating and if your description of the interaction with the menfolk was anywhere near accurate they're definitely at least fond of you, probably more than that.

Trust your instincts about how your relationship with each of them is going. Don't group them all together and don't take the opinions of one family member as an indication of group think.

Continue to charm their socks off and you'll do just fine. After all, who in their right minds could resist you? ;-)

As for the Toits - fuck 'em. After a lengthy discourse with the Mrs I can state unequivocally that that corner of the Humanosphere is a write-off.

I'd love to see a novel from you! You strike me as creative and you can write. Still, with respect to wing clipping, there's nothing like fighting the good fight to get the juices flowing!

Croxie-I had to write a few emails in Swedish yesterday, and boy did it whip me (plus I don't have the right keyboard anymore!)

I agree with Heather...people just don't handle changes very well. Give it some time and just be yourself. If the can't accept you the way you are, they don't deserve you anyways. Plant some of those fragile roots and see how it feels.

Heather-I didn't expect it, but I did indeed want that, I confess. I must add that a few of my family members have had a go at Mr. Y, too-and they've never even met him. I defended him, but I know that this is all a matter of time and acceptance. He is up against nearly 5 years of memory of X Partner Unit, and I am up against 18 years of his ex-wife.

All that, and I am not patient enough for chess. Sheesh.

Random-I too am beginning to wonder if I should try to do some wing clipping. But I have been up against this group before, and it's like knocking your head against a wall it's that much fun (and that easy).

But I am beginning to feel the itch in my fingers to just sit down, finish a fucking novel for once, and see where I can go from there.

I reacted very strongly to this post today and I'm sorry that you've hit a rough patch. No one wants to be tolerated, but, perhaps the sister in law is speaking only for herself and not for the whole family. Perhaps you've rubbed her the wrong way. If so, fuck her. I suggest that if you are unhappy at home and at work right now, you ought to consider fighting a little harder at work against the seagull. If he is not there all the time perhaps you can undo his damage when he's not around. I hope this made sense, no coffee yet. Best of luck, I really feel for you.

Helen,

You never expected them to welcome you with open arms, and it would have been foolish to do so. Most people do not welcome or like change and that is what you are to them. You are something new thrown into a mix that was comfortable and pleasing to them. Sadly, it really has nothing to do with your character and everything to do with you being someone besides the mother of Mr Y's children. They WILL get over it, they will grow past it and they will eventually become comfortable with you. It's sad that they don't put Mr.Y's happiness before their own greed and comfort, but it isn't surprising.

Stay the course, work through it with him and they will come around. You'll give them no choice.

Take care of you,