Everyday Stranger

Only you. Only you know when. Only you know where. Only you know why.

But you must not keep these things bottled up any longer. My experience has been that the only one that's hurt when such strong emotions are stuffed down is YOU.

When I was 35, I learned to say, "HEY!" when someone was stepping on my toes (or neck) and I realized I cared less and less about what others think of me. I'm soo glad. That "eager to please" bitch was on my nerves.

Please let the banshee out -- she's put up with a lot of shit, honey. She needs to vent.

And, if you need me (honestly and sincerely I mean this) you know where I am. Just drop me a line. I have very broad shoulders. And I've been THAT depressed, too.

Love,
Em

The Banshee is *definitely* good to keep hidden within the shadows. As we all know, it's good to have a resource like that to rely upon when lines have truly been crossed.

I often ponder whether Wrath supersedes Pride as the Ultimate Sin.

Cheers.

Helen,

Let the banshee out. Imagine, if you would, every time you started to orgasm, you stopped yourself. Every time.

You have, obviously, a lot of stuff inside struggling to get out. In your desire to be a person that other people would like, you won't let yourself vent. You have years and years of venting pent up inside of you. [/Freud impression]. End of advice.

We're with you, Helen, through it all. Be well.

PS. Mr. Y, while probably a nice guy and all, was a complete ass for sending you a text message like that, IMHO.

Always, always be in touch with the banshee.

Honey, a long time ago I gave you unsolicited advice about taking time to be on your own before heading into something new and big. I'm wondering if what you and Y need is space - to create lives that aren't centrally based around a relationship but instead are based on who you each are as people. These are tremendously touchy times for you both, and managing your emotions, his, the kids' and the ex's must be exhausting for all involved. Are you sure that you're not moving too fast?

Wouldn't say all of this if I didn't want you healthy and happy at the end. Remember that there's much life left for all of us, 'k?

Oh girlie, you can't keep the banshee locked down forever - she has come come out at some point, and it hurts you more and more inside to keep locking her that way. And she will come out at some point, she has to. I have fought with my own banshee more than I ever wanted too, but the more I sent her out in a good way, the less she returned. I like the train idea posted by MissDirected - if I wasn't so damn self-controlled I'd try it - and still might. But anyway, my point is that it seems like she's needing to come out now, and that can be healthy, and maybe you need to find a way to release part of her. *hugs* I'm so sorry about the situation, I hope that you can find resolution. I have no words of wisdom there. Remeber though, the banshee is not always your enemy, it is also the part of you that makes you strong. *hugs*

I was going to email you privately but obviously I am lame and couldn't figure out what your email address is.

You have every right to be as pissed off (you don't need a random commenter to tell you that) as you are, the whole situation is difficult, trying and heartbreaking. It seems like all 3 characters (you, Y and ex-wife) are on different playing levels. Being a product of divorce, I couldn't imagine running and telling my mother how great my dad's new girlfriend was, I don't think it is that simple. Perhaps the ex is making her own preemptive strike before she hears how great you reall are in order to shelter her fragile ego. I am sure the kids are just as confused as everyone, the only difference is the kids will be able to adapt faster than the adults. The adults hold onto the baggage much longer. If the little boy curled up onto your lap then he had to have been drawn to you in some way, hold onto that memory because it was absolutely genuine.

Bottom line is the ex-wife's feelings are just as volitile and confused as yours and I am sure she is dealing with just as many inner demons as you. It seems that she wants to shelter her children from anything bad and she incorrectly views you as bad because it makes her feel better. The only reason why she does this is because she is hurt. Doesn't make what she is doing right but she is doing what she has to do to emotionally survive. Who can say what we would do in a similar situation!

Hold on tight because it only gets uglier before it gets better. Lean on people you trust 100% and who won't judge you, perhaps take a trip on your own to visit some of your biggest fans in order to clear your head and to be around people who are your cheerleaders. [Sorry for the cornball approach but, I am sincere.]

Good luck.

Good luck!

Oh, Helen, I'm sorry, you're not going to like me on this one. Let me tweak it a little and put the light through a different part of the prism.

Y was married to his wife for a LONG time. While he was married to her he had an affair with you - twice, it appears. She does not see you as a morally fit or nice person. Her only perception of you is a younger woman who wanted everything that was hers - her marriage, her life with Y, and now, it appears, her kids.

How can you expect her to believe you don't want to replace her as a mother? You've replaced her everywhere else, to include showing up fairly quickly at a family gathering and meeting their friends. AS a former spouse, she will be replaced by you in the family and in their circle of friends, for the most part. I don't really blame her for wanting to keep the status quo in at least one part of her life.

I don't think she's being a bitch, I don't think she's attacking you personally, I don't even think she's necessarily trying to hurt Y. Maybe she thinks it sends a bad message of impermanence to her children to see that a mother and wife can be replaced almost instantly. Maybe she is actually trying to PROTECT them. Maybe she isn't sure you're going to be around that long and she doesn't want them to get attached to you. Isn't this just as likely?

I am really worried about you. When I read your posts, you are going from apex to nadir with frightening speed. Regardless of your love for Y, is he good for you? Everything seems to affect you to an extreme now that you're together. I haven't seen that sardonic ability to see the funny, rueful side. Please make sure you are not sinking back into a depression.

Just a short time ago, you said you would be happy if you got the dream job and Y. Well, you have both and now you can't be happy unless his family accepts and likes you and you get to play step-mom to the kids. You set new standards for happiness, which results in unhappiness.

I'm sorry I can't be as supportive as your other comments. You're obviously in pain and feeling rejected in all directions. But I guarantee you, everyone is not sitting around a dining room table figuring out how to make you miserable. They don't yet have that much invested in you emotionally.

So, chill. Stop winding the screw on the back of that banshee. Go ZEN. Say a mantra. Keep that Mona Lisa smile. And don't push the kid thing just yet. Think instead of how you can help Y deal with figuring out the visitation conundrum.

BIIIGGG Supportive hug. I'm thinking about you. I wish I could be there to play devil's advocate in person, because my true feelings for your efforts don't show well in the typed word. I hope this wasn't too harsh and that it will at least give you a different perspective to consider.

H~
I've missed you while I was away.

I'm with Melanie and would like to know what was said to her? What does Y think of all this? It's not your fault. I hope you know that.

This is my first post, though I've been reading for some time.

We all have that banshee locked inside of us. My guess is that the ex's banshee broke loose. It could be a number of things that prompted her to lash out. She could be feeling threatened because the kids liked you. She could be upset because they told her they didn't like you. As you know, kids in this situation will act one way with one parent and then react totally different when they are back in their normal routine. They could be lashing out at her because they miss their dad. I did the same to my mom after every visit with my dad. And my young son does the same when he comes home from visiting his father. I have been tempted to make the same demand from his father because I don't approve of the woman he plans to marry. But I know that the most important thing is that my son has a relationship with his father. Hopefully, she'll come to the same conclusion.

There seems to be so much love, and pain, swirling around everyone involved. As children of divorce, we know that there are no easy answers. Only the hope that things will get easier over time.

I think maybe getting the banshee and the nice girl together would be an excellent idea. Neither extreme is really great but the two working together would be quite formidable.

I am just hoping that this text message wasn’t out of the blue, that you communicate often in this manner and that he feels that he must tell you everything both good and bad. If this was one of the many things he said to you that day via text messaging, then I can understand why he would inform you like that. Maybe he leans heavily on you. Perhaps together you can figure out how he will handle the situation because after all it is mainly his problem.

Hi Helen,
I have been a lurker here for 7 or 8 months now and this is my first comment on any blog ever. Now, I want to preface what I am about to say with I am not a big fan of Mr. Y. However, with everybody attacking him for using the text message to let you know about his ex's wishes about the kids and the pain that you expressed in your post, I feel I should say something that it does not seem like anybody is considering. As you have mentioned many times, you still have a certain love for your ex partner unit. Therefore, he could say certain things to you, including attacking Mr. Y, that would hurt you very much. Like most people, you would be consumed with your hurt and maybe not even realize that others around you may also have been hurt by your ex's attack as you know it was directed at you alone and not anybody else. Most likely, Mr. Y's ex told him that she does not want the kids around you because she wanted to hurt him. As I am sure he loves his kids and he loves you, this probably did hurt him very much. Now his text message to you was probably, just a small cry out to you asking for a little comfort as he was probably hurting very much, and you or him was not in a situation where he could call and say that. He probably just needed something then from you that could not wait until you saw him after work. Now your response to his message was to see what she said as an attack on you. While I see your response as justifiable, he may have been confused and hurt as he was hoping for you to comfort his hurt from her attack, and now suddenly now he has to deal with you being upset. He may have even said hurtful things to you as he feels lonely since his ex, who he still has a certain love for is attacking him and now you, his new love, is also upset with him. He probably feels that nobody is on his side, as you have said that even his family is down on him and critical of his choices.
Anyway, this is just something that you should consider. Anything, his ex or his family says to him about you, is about their relationship with him and not about you. Think about this to prove my point, do you think they would be saying anything materially different if he had left his wife and was with any other woman in the world? Even if is was the most perfect woman in the world, I doubt their conversations with him would be any different. When he tells you these things that are said about you, it is because he hurts and not because he wants you to know that they are saying these things about you.
I hope my first ever comment helps.

Ummm... Mrs. Y doesn't want the divorce, and Mr. Y isn't entirely certain either. Mr. Y puts his problems onto Helen, rather than taking a stand and solving them himself. In the meantime, Mr. Y is having a frolicking good time with Helen, who will help him retain his youth... ah yes, I remember when I reached the 40's, that being about 20 years ago... yes indeedy, a feeling a youth slipping away and the middle age blues arriving. Well, anyway, I'm certain that all of you here are much much younger than me... and I'm kinda like your parents..

Helen, you are a good person.... never never doubt yourself. Take direction from your inner feelings and carry on your life as you wish to live it... don't live it for others, as this never works. My feeling is that taking an independent stand, rather than relying on Mr. Y, will make you a much more attractive and happy person. Take care of yourself!

Oddly enough, I was just thinking about this the other day. For many years I have perceived myself as a weak, fragile person, when in reality I have a very strong, hard edge to myself. Your banshee is your hard edge, your shield to be let out at the appropriate times, to protect you. Anger is not a bad emotion. It's one that we should pay attention to, to tell us when we're being hurt. So let your inner screamer out on occaision, to let the world know that you're strong, and that you don't and won't take it. *hug*

Catharsis is good. I'm glad you're having some. It's good for you to be able to face the banshee and recognize the health in her. She will be needed to deal with the things you've been afraid to face. Hang in there, it won't be pretty but it's necessary (so I hear since I've kept my banshee caged for quite some time now *wry grin*). Just remember she's a part of you so don't get the idea she's either on the other side or a separate person from yourself. YOU are facing the things she faces, she's not facing them for you.

As for the Ms. X-Y (Ms. Ex-Y, get it? Levity is good too.), she is acting in a very typical ex-wife manner, ugly as it is. My husband has a son from a previous marriage, and even though they had been divorced for some time before I came into the picture I was suddenly responsible for all their problems. I was not to see the son. He wasn't allowed to visit if I was around. In her eyes, I was responsible for planting ideas in his head that weren't welcome. He suddenly saw the possibility of a family and she hated that. What didn't work for her wasn't allowed to work for me. The straw that broke the camel's back (hers) (the first time) was when my stepson went home and asked his mother if it was ok to love me. He said she told him it was, but that she had a sort of funny look on her face and then she cried. We haven't been able to salvage any real friendship since. It's just not going to happen. Her child, however, still loves me. He just has a harder time believing he's allowed to.

I think I had a point when I started, but damned if I can put my finger on it now. You haven't mentioned how he responded to her; maybe you haven't heard anything other than the text message (which I agree was just plain awful communication)? I would hope that he will have a backbone about it and tell her she's being ridiculously childish. If he doesn't, though, don't make the mistake of thinking that the kids aren't seeing what's going on. They're probably completely aware of how awful their mother is acting, and if you in turn act calm and assure them that you'll still be there when this all blows over you'll come out looking that much better. You also haven't mentioned how you feel about his children, or if you have then I haven't seen that entry. Do you have a good relationship? Do they stay with you and Mr. Y regularly (up to now)? If so, and if there is an order stating when he's allowed visitation, then (at least in this country) she is in contempt of a court order if she refuses his visitation rights. I think the advice of hiring a lawyer is very good, and it should be done soon.

As Paul said, I wish the spaces of happiness were a little longer for you before something happens that upsets the peace.

i don't think your banshee is scary or unreasonable helen. everyone has their own inner banshee. if like me, you stuff her a lot, she will surprise you at times with rip roaring rage. but she won't consume you. find some healthy ways to let her dance.

as for the text msg bit. perhaps you can suggest that future important messages of that nature happen in person.

Helen,

I see both good and bad in this post. It is great you are getting in touch with the stuff you have been shoving down inside, it would be bad if it came out in an uncontroled manner.

When I first read this I thought "oh no, the kids went home and bitched to mom about you" after reading Donna's and others comments I realize this makes no sense and I think they are bang on with their assesment, they went home and raved about you, and ex-wife didn't like the threat, so she lashed out at Mr Y. That really is the only scenerio that makes sense. If they had bitched, you would have heard about it from another source, she, feeling vindicated would have spread it through the family like wildfire. She didn't do that because she knows they know you, she would come off like a crackpot.

I know this is from another post [please don't hurt me Jim! hehe =)], but as you know I was without a connection for a bit, and did want to comment. Sister-in-laws comments must be taken with a grain of salt. You were not the intended audience for those comments, and knowing that, she probably overstated her point for effect. Also know that polite toleration, although not ideal, is really a damn good start. I think given time they will realize just how cool a person you are if you just keep being you.

I have read this blog for a long time - since shortly after you started it and my heart breaks for you every time you have a down day. I hope that you can take a huge step back and try to figure out why he is allowing this to affect you. I realize this is your relationship and that I only know what you write in this space. Certainly there is much we all don't know. Maybe Y is a better person than it looks from here. It seems to me that he is not being very kind and supportive unless you are willing to do things and express yourself his way. Text mssage? What a git! He needs to take you into account whenever he opens his mouth. You deserve that for how much you are giving him. It's not wrong to demand some simple consideration.

The ex-wife is irrelevant. She's hurt and taking cheap shots at you. Don't let her take away your hard-won self-confidence.

My distrust of him grows ever deeper...

Hey You

Good your starting to let out some of things buried so deep. Relize Mr. Y is who he is and can only control his own actions. While the rest of his family may not accept you, there is nothing that can be done to change a closed mine.

You don't need us to tell you you're strong enough to get through this too. Because you will.

What a horrible thing to have happen just as things are on the up and up. I want to kick and scream for you but that just wont help.

I haven't been in your position ever, but what I have felt before is the crushing of the world against you, breaking your body down, and the only thing I've done to crawl out is to tackle things one at a time. Even if the first thing was to breathe in and breathe out. She is threatened by you, obviously you expected that to happen, and in time I know she will change her mind.

I wish I knew that Y was on your side, but something just seems "off" whenever you talk about his side of things. I remember you posting Y's feelings about the divorce and I just hope, me being an outsider, that he isn't so willing to give in to her requests.

We love you Helen, you WILL be ok.

I know they did this in a movie somewhere once, but... My ex-boyfriend used to take me down to the train tracks and have me scream at the trains when I felt that banshee rearing to be released. And you know what? It always helped. I would feel stupid at first, but then i'd start talking and then yelling everything I wanted to say at the train and then by the end it would just be this big primal scream and as the train disappeared into the horizon, I'd feel the wind on my tear stained cheeks and I would feel better. Might be worth a try...

You make my heart ache when you write like this. It is really quite amazing the way your emotions pour out of this blog, it touches me and keeps me coming back for more. Thank you for sharing so much of you.

Why did he text message that critical piece of information? One would think this would be better delivered via a long talk while holding you tight.

Take care of you,

Sounds like you still need to clean your 'thing' out from sliding down that hill...

H,
I'm sorry the moments of happiness don't seem to last long before something comes along and fucks its up!

The Ex-wife may not like you around her kids but when they're with Y it's not her call to decide what they do and don't do. She's hurt and hates you and wants to make sure you and Y hurt as much as she does.

This will sound like an attack on Y, but it really isnt'... A text message is a shitty way to drop that bomb on you. That is definitely something that could have waited to be done in person with ample time to have a 2-way discussion. Will he fight for your right to be a part of his life in every way or out of guilt and fear of an even uglier divorce and custody battle will he acquiese to her demands.

You are a good and decent person and I think the children saw that for themselves they would be glad to have you in their lives. The children, like the rest of Y's family, need the chance to come to know you and decide for themselves what kind of person you are before those parties spouting gossip and ill-will can taint their impressions of you.

I know things are turbulent for you right now, little flame. But let's have no more of these references to "last January" or especially thoughts of a next one. Don't make me come over there!

Be well.

Aw, honey... I know that there's nothing that I can say to really help. It's good to have that banshee around occasionally, in my opinion. Though sometimes it's even better to keep her on a short leash.
Know that I'm here for you, just like the offer you extended to me not that terribly long ago.

There's not enough info for me to make any comment on what's happening with ex-wife, other than I hope it works out, and all of the previous posters have made good points.

You need to find a way to deal with your anger. If you hold it all in, eventually it will bubble out and explode, possibly at an inopportune moment. I know you're trying to be good, but being passive isn't you. Or at least, it's not healthy for you.

Go ahead and be angry. It's OK. Just don't let the anger grow to the point where it consumes you.

I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. I agree with everything Donna said. I have been in your shoes when it comes to the ex. Unfortunately, the woman is putting her needs in front of the children's. I can't stand that! I hate to see it when a parent uses their children as a pawn to get what they want. Donna is right. The children must have liked you and she feels threatened. Mr. Y. really needs to get a court order or whatever it is there. Once he gets that, she has no say whether you can be around the kids or not. I hope that Mr. Y is defending you. I know this is very difficult for you. My heart aches just knowing you have to go through this. The two of you just need to be strong and get through this together.

Helen, calm down.
First, the kids must have liked you or she wouldn't feel threatened enough to try to make ultimatums.
Second, she doesn't get a choice as to who the kids are around on his time. Unless she can prove that you are doing anything that could be injurous to them, (drugs, drunk driving, or molesting them), she cannot stop him from bringing them around you. Nor will he be able to stop her from having them around her boyfriends when she has them.
Thirdly, he needs a court order, or whatever they do in England re: visitation custody etc etc.

He needs to ask her if she really thinks that he is going to give you up just so he can see his kids? No, he will enter into a custody battle in which no one wins.

Or he can cave in, give the bitch what she wants, (which at this point is to make his life miserable) and rent a hotel during the time that he sees them. Trust me, this is only going to get uglier, and I just hope you are strong enough to withstand it. The biggest problem that I can see is that you tend to blame yourself for all the ills of the world, and I'm afraid you will start to take the blame of his not being able to see his kids. Whatever you do, don't think that for even a second, this is their problem, not yours and you are really not the issue, she has just realized that she can use his kids against him, you are just the excuse.
If you have ever trusted anyone's word on the internet, trust me on this. I had a ten year custody fight with my ex. The bright side is that they trust and rely on me for everything, and he is a peripheral part of their life, but not an integral part. He had them, and tried the same thing with me, trying to keep them away from me. And although I may not be the greatest person in the world, I was, and am a great mom. It was very ugly, and it still goes on in the form of why are you seeing her for mothers day, she is not your mom, your stepmother is.......
Again Helen, I just hope you and he are strong enough separately and together to withstand this, because I have the feeling the gloves are about to come off.
Make him haul ass to a lawyer, premptive strike.

OK, first things first - the new picture is breathtakingly gorgeous.

Re: the fury: you sound scary, as in, I sure don't want to cross you when you're in such a mood. I have no adivce here, though, besides the rather obvious one of not directing this powerful force at yourself and those you love.

As for the problems with Mr. Y's family, from what you've written here before I get the distinct feeling that he isn't supporting you enough in this. Maybe this is so, maybe this is "just" how you feel about it, but in either case I'd think it would need to change. Extra malus points to Mr. Y for sending you an SMS about something that absolutely needs to be said in person, as far as I am concerned.

Holy shit, there is so much here that I don't know where to start. Firstly, you write beautifully. Secondy, fury can be good and it can be cleansing. Like I said before about the Seagull, fighting the good fight is motivating in and of itself. I hope your fury ends up properly directed, i.e. outwards and not self-destructively inwards.

How could he let that bombshell drop on you via text message? The message itself was important but I think, without trying to be judgmental, that there is something to be said for the means of messanger that he picked. It's impersonal, doesn't allow you to react to him, and it's clean, from his perspective. Did he at least fight for you? I know that his ex has just put him in a difficult position, and I don't envy him, but he loves you, right?

what did he say to her?