June 03, 2004

Doctor, I Think She's Stabilizing

My Banshee is recovering in the hospital.

And boy, is she a real bitch.

Demanding that she be served jell-o whenever she wants it, that ice chips are not considered an acceptable food group, and will you please get your hands off her gown? Where's the damn remote, please can you just let her go home, and how long before these reindeer tracks are gone?

She has only surfaced once or twice, but she is there. She is there, she is tired, and she doesn't want to take any more shit from people that use her as a human on-board motor. She is also a bit dangerous, and needs to be controlled.

Yesterday at Dream Job we had a meeting that was spectacularly gloom and doom. Managers were upset, people were pessimistic, and it looked like the complete and total meltdown of the entire rodent world as we know it. And I was sitting there, watching, listening, and wondering What the hell is wrong with everyone? Why are they acting like they are throwing in the towel? So we have some challenges, big deal, every project has challenges. We can do this. If you want to be that negative, I should just go back to Company X.

It just kept getting worse and worse, and I would try to interject about positive things, progress that was being made, but it kept going until finally a man named Paul, a particularly pessimistic creature, decided to go dump all over a meeting that I had held, hosted, and received positive reviews for last week. That was pretty much the last of my patience at that point.

"Oh come ON, Paul!" I asserted hotly, feeling the Banshee bust out of my chest with a massive bang, screaming and shrieking her way around the top of the room. "Lighten the FUCK UP!"

The room stared at me. Paul looked startled. My manager started laughing. I realized that Banshee had gone too far, I grabbed her by the legs and hauled her back into the cage, receiving rivers of scratches in the meantime. "I apologize, Paul. I realize that was like taking a shotgun to a mosquito there, and I didn't mean that."

I can say this: the meeting did lighten up a lot, and we did manage to agree on some positive points. Although my Banshee was inappropriate, she did make some progress. But she is unpredictable, unyielding, and a firecracker.

I love her.
I hate her.
And maybe I need her.

She came out on a phone call to my family yesterday, too. The rocky road has been repaired with one family member, at least to the point where conversation is possible, but Banshee just kept coming out, seeping out of my mouth and onto the mouthpiece of the phone, oozing her way into the phone and down the phone wires, gripping and ripping and raping the conversation.

I don't know what's making her come out more. In so many ways, I am happy-I am with Mr. Y whom I love in whole bucketloads. I live in a house that I fucking love beyond the natural love for walls. I have a Dream Job that I really enjoy. I have this walk into work that startles me every morning as I cross a bridge from Waterloo to Charring Cross and see the London Eye, Parliament, and the Thames, and it illustrates to me that not only have I survived but I have a pretty view of it, too.

But things are not always stable, and when people around me are so angry, I immediately draw it into myself. What am I doing wrong? What have I said wrong? Why am I not able to make you less angry?

My life is so crazily up and down. The highs are so high that you can't even see my feet and the lows cause me to leave a massive dent in the pavement, chipped paved evidence of where I fell from the sky. I know people generally wish for a life with more excitement, a life less ordinary, a chance to have rivers of adventure. But for myself, more and more I just want some peace, some contentment, a life more ordinary. I want to have schedules of taking kids to football and ballet class. I want a blog post to be about me burning a meal. I want to talk about what to do about holidays. I often feel like I am holding on to the wild ride of my roller coaster life by my fingernails, digging into the plastic and hoping I won't be shaken off at the next bend.

Maybe the Banshee has appeared because, for the first time in my life, I have the chance to get that contentment. I have this massive amount of happiness (and sadness, actually) in my life, and I hadn't even realized how far up into the sky I was until I looked down, and I realize I forgot to strap on my parachute.


PS-Since Simon said gentlmen never tell, I must therefore promise that ladies never tell. Suffice to say that we met Simon, and Simon was good :)

PPS-to the IP address that dumped 17 porn comments on my site:
A) You've been banned.
B) I had no idea some of that stuff could even be done.
C) What's with your fascination with fists and zebras?

UPDATE:Simon blogged about it here, so the secret's out-we had a great time and I found talking to him amazingly easy. He's cute, charming, and has a great big smile too, and he and Mr. Y got on well and had much to discuss cough*bar codes*cough. It's amazing the kind people I have met and the friends that I have made.

Posted by Everydaystranger at June 3, 2004 08:32 AM | TrackBack

Whether you realize it or not, I belive even the Pope has a Banshee NINside of him. Ying/Yang. Human nature man.

Oh, 2B a fly on the wall of that meeting. I would have NINternally laughed my ass off on that 1ne... U Go Gurl.

Besides, I've *never* heard so much longshoreman dialogue from the masses as I did during my London haunt.

Personally, it was 1ne of the many things that made the trip all the more enjoyable.


Posted by: Curator at June 4, 2004 07:23 AM

i think she comes out more as you realize you want to keep the tenuous grip you have on this life, this happiness. as you get more comfortable with good things - not just all bad, all the time - she'll settle back down. she feels threatened, that's all.

Posted by: becky at June 4, 2004 02:35 AM

Keep the banshee...shes a part of who you are.
I laughed at the *shut the fuck up*..You GO girl:)
And how cool that you got to meet Simon.I read him every day.

Posted by: butterflies at June 4, 2004 01:31 AM

Maybe the Banshee is coming out more becaue she feels safer - maybe you are becoming more secure (even if you don't consiously feel it yet) in your life, and Banshee now needs to come out and become more a part of the rest of you. Kinda like a joining of two of your parts, now that you have your feet more firmly on the ground.

That's my armchair psychobabbler coming out ;-)

Posted by: ThatGuy at June 3, 2004 05:44 PM

Maybe because you're safe enough to let her out....

Posted by: Courtney at June 3, 2004 03:37 PM

I think it's BECAUSE your happy that the banshee comes out. Makes sense to me....

Happy Helen wants to stay that way and will do anything to keep herself there. Releasing the banshee is just a way of keeping the peace you see?

Posted by: Rebecca at June 3, 2004 02:58 PM

You have your inner Banshee and I have my inner Stewie (shameless Family Guy reference).

I'm known around the office as the guy that says what everyone else is thinking but would never dare to say outloud. I can identify with your meeting Banshee moment but have developed the tactic of speaking in acronyms that are usually only typed in an effort to get my point across yet stay employed.

I've been known to ask "Well WTF were you thinking?!" or "Maybe it's best you just STFU." This always gets the same reaction from everyone in the room, first everyone furrows their brow trying to grasp what I said, then comes the deer in the headlights look. "Did he just spell what I think he spelled?"

What the deuce are you staring at?

You know little flame, I've always thought highly of Simon... until now! Curse you Simon and your international expense account. Ahem.

Actually I was shocked to hear this was your first meeting. I'm glad you guys had such a good time!

Posted by: Paul at June 3, 2004 02:21 PM

Never give up the beloved Banshee! She is the one that ultimately protects the loveable and adorable Helen!

Posted by: Marie at June 3, 2004 01:59 PM

Psst. JayAllen.org, I believe. MT-Blacklist. Kills spam dead before it happens.

Posted by: Sarah at June 3, 2004 01:45 PM

"Banshee" sounds like a euphemism for temper. I grew up with an Irish temper and have been working for decades to quell it. I can't think of any time I've lost my temper and been glad about it; it seems there's always a better way.

I'm not saying I never confront people or take situations head on, but losing one's temper usually makes things worse. It is a childish act that we, as adults, should try to avoid. I don't just try to lock my Banshee up, I'm trying to kill the darn thing. And I've noticed the more I squash it, the less prone it is to resurface.

Posted by: Solomon at June 3, 2004 01:44 PM

I'm having to go with Emma on this one too --
I don't call mine a Banshee - though I have to admit to "honorary ovaries" in some of the workplace conversations --
I call mine the "Give-A-Shitter" -- and when I gets cranked down, and I just don't G.A.S -- well, fit hits the shan, as it were -- But I think it is because I am finally comfortable enough where I am "at" - headspace-wise, to be able to say that I don't G.A.S -- used to be, I was so self-conscious, I _needed_ my job for mortgage, lawyer payments, electric, water, what-have-you -- now, I have things a little more together, not necessarily a tidy pile, but not a towering heap either -- that I can afford to let my real feelings show --

It can be a frightening experience, but it can also be very liberating ...

my advice -- revel in it -- I am glad to see you're getting spunk (er ... no double entendre truly intended there ... but I'm glad that you've got Mr. Y too)


Posted by: Yaguari at June 3, 2004 01:43 PM

I had the same thought as Emma. Maybe you're finally getting to a comfort point where you aren't spastically trying to hold together. You've relaxed the grip a bit so some stuff is finding a way out.

I think that's great. The banshee can be a great tool if harnessed correctly. And use the sway bit not the ball gag, as they say. And maybe some fishnet stockings and stiletto heels. One of those demi-bras, in black lace...

I'm getting quite the visual here...

Posted by: Jim at June 3, 2004 12:30 PM

Constructive use of the banshee in England, where everyone is, or was, so damn polite that they apologize when YOU bump into THEM on the street, may prove to be a very useful tool. Also, it makes you unpredictable. You can use that, too!

Posted by: Random Penseur at June 3, 2004 11:49 AM

I am so glad that the banshee is surviving.

you have to let her out. the more you try to restrain/jail her the more she comes out in "inappropriate" ways and places.

Embrace teh inner bitch and banshee my friend embrace her! :)

Oh and I really am thrilled that life is going well for you. Utterly THRILLED. You DESERVE IT!!!!

Posted by: stinkerbell at June 3, 2004 11:23 AM

Maybe Ms. Banshee is finally able to rear her pointy little head because you feel *secure* enough to let her come out?


You're doing fine, lass. Keep on keepin' on!


Posted by: Emma at June 3, 2004 09:48 AM

yeah, your banshee sounds like she's well worth having around! don't let her get away!:)

Posted by: melanie at June 3, 2004 09:42 AM

I think your Banshee have appeared because it's needed. We all have someone like that deep inside and that part of you is difficult to control.

Sometimes it's needed though to make things happen and for progress. But it's easy to say the wrong things to the wrong people in the beginning and that's when you want your Banshee to take a hike.

My Banshee appeared during one of my divorces...and never left ;) And I'm very thankful for that today.

I'm glad you like your new place. A cave like that is important when you need the safety of home :)

Posted by: croxie at June 3, 2004 09:06 AM
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