Our neighborhood (!) had a barbeque last Sunday, an event where everyone brings a side dish and the dead animal that they wish to be grilled (Mr. Y brought lamb and I brought a potato) and we sit outside and drink and talk. The sun was out, we were all in t-shirts and shorts and the wafting smoke from the barbeque was tempting even for a vegetarian like me.
I sat on a bench talking to Karl, a nice IT guy who is into theatre so we got along very well. I am ex-theatre myself, and I can tell you-theatre groups are the most accepting and most dysfunctional of any group in the world. All are welcome, but preferably with baggage. He talked about his divorce with me, sitting on the bench next to me. Mr. Y sat across from me talking to a Belgian engineer and idly playing with my foot. The scene was perfect. Kids were running around the yard and one lone cat stalked the chicken bones relaxing on forgotten paper plates.
Then a father and daughter from number 15 came outside, with their meat for the grill and a bottle of red wine, and I met them and chatted with them. The mother came outside moments later, a bulging pack strapped to her chest, and she handed said bulging pack to the father, who sat down nearby me and started to massage it.
It was a 6 week-old baby.
It was then that my ovaries started knocking on my abdomen wall.
The baby was quiet and sweet, all grabbing infant monkey feet and enormous blue eyes that look much wiser than mine. A tiny white cap snuggled over the forehead and fingernails the size of peppercorns guided fingers in the air, holding on to the fathers rough hands. A small smacking of the lips and an urgent stiff-arm fluttering in the air, and the little one was asleep in no time.
And I have to confess that I couldn't pay attention to Karl anymore, I could barely hear him, all I could hear was the fantastic sound of my body. Not the biological clock going off, that's just sensational garbage. There is no biological clock.
It's more like a biological gong.
And, like a cartoon character, someone had fitted the gong over my head and was banging it loudly, making my entire body vibrate with the quivering need to be a mother.
Luckily I have not reached the point where I am stuffing pillows down my shirt to see what I will look like. But I have reached a point where actually being pregnant doesn't freak me out so badly (I have to be honest-I am not afraid of the pain, I am afraid of the weight gain. Seriously. I know-focusing on the wrong thing, here.)
I have been a mother, but only once, and not for very long. And more and more recently, I know that I want to be one again sometime, but this time to not lose them in such a horrible way, in the toilet of a hardware store as my body started to reject my little ones. Where the bleeding started and didn't stop for days.
I can't have children naturally, and so if Mr. Y and I want kids, it has to be done the IVF way. But in this equation, things are a bit different-since Mr. Y is 12 years older than me and his children are ages 12 and 7, he has been reluctant to try to have children, and I understand this. He sees pros and cons for having a new family with me, and I understand this too. I also see pros and cons, the same ones he does in fact (and please don't have a go at him here for being with me as a "trophy prize", since it's really not like that).
We haven't really spoken so much about it for a while, but I don't think I am very good at explaining this one to him. If you ask me why I want to have a baby, my answer more or less boils down to "Because." Which is a crap answer and I wouldn't accept it either, only I can't narrow it down to one reason. I can't even narrow it down to five. It's a whole host of them, all swirling around emotions, family, and future, acceptance, strength, and hope.
I used to think I would be a terrible mother as I had absolutely zero patience, that I was too screwed up, that I would fall apart if my child didn't love me back. And on some things, I still need work (for instance, repetitive noises make me crazy. I would cave in if someone was administering Chinese water torture in a heartbeat). But other parts of me have changed, have calmed down. I don't feel so stressed when a baby cries now. I don't lose my temper so easily. And, amazingly, my career is not the center of my world anymore-I am not sure what has replaced it, but I do know that I am not living for my job now (wow-thanks Company X).
Mr. Y and I are taking it slowly-we haven't been together for very long and we need time to just be together, to just be a couple, free to touch and talk and love right now. Maybe he and I discuss this again soon, maybe we don't. Will my world end if I don't have kids? Probably not.
But I don't think it will shut the gong up, anyway.
Man I need my cats.
-H.
PS-Latest Carnival of the Vanities is up here.
Posted by Everydaystranger at June 11, 2004 08:28 AM | TrackBackI for one beleive that you would be a wonderful mother and mentor. And I might add that "because" is respectful reason. I have found those that did not think they would be good parents turned out to the best. Good luck and when the gong rings true it will be a blessing that I will celebrate, from afar, with you and Mr. Y. Just some thoughts from an old......
Posted by: greyheadedstranger at June 14, 2004 06:53 PMBiologically speaking, one of your imperatives will be to have a child. Right? It can be joyful beyond words. There are costs, you're probably aware...the time, usually not what your right brain is focused on, but way more than you imagine at first...and the financial commitment, truly astounding if you add it up. I've been married three times. The first gave me two sons. It's a lovely fact of life. The other two had no interest in children, and neither did I. The costs and the responsibilities are huge. The joy, very hard won, is also huge. Having born witness, I will now sit down.
Posted by: Denny at June 12, 2004 01:55 AMI thought I'd stay out of this one and then I read the other comments. This is not an easy decision to make and it sounds like you are not going to get pregnant the fun, old fashioned way behaving like an irresponsible teenager (our second came along like that). So you have to really really want a child. It's wonderful but it will ruin the life you currently are building. Please assure yourself of a solid foundation with Y before you take that step. I don't envy the single mother. It's hard enough when there are two of you to raise a kid.
Posted by: Random Penseur at June 11, 2004 11:01 PMHow many bedrooms does your Houston's have? And there is a study where a man can 'retire' and stay out of the ruckus? And you would allow Mr. Y a mistress or two after you no longer 'need' him?;-)
Posted by: Roger at June 11, 2004 07:36 PM"...Mr. Y brought lamb and I brought a potato..."
I can't believe you killed Mr Potatohead, how could you! hehe
For my two cents on the kids thing, It sounds to me like you two are doing the perfect thing, talking about it. Given the complexity you have mentioned surrounding this topic for both of you, and how recent a lot of it is, I think at this point it just needs to be something you talk about, something that is there and you are working on together. I just can't see either one of you feeling EXACTLY the same about it in a year, and it also leaves open the time for other solutions or factors to come up.
Normally I would probably be waving a "make the call now" flag, but I just don't see it being that simple here.
My advice? (like you really wanted to hear from someone old enough to be your mother).... skip the heartache. I have one, now 39... the "difficulties" started at about age 12, and except for a few good years when she seemed to mature, it's been hell... of course I love her with all my heart, but I don't love the things she's gotten mixed up with. When you decide to have children, you have decided to give up your life for theirs and can expect to plumb the depths of heartache. But perhaps one size does not fit all....
Posted by: Annette at June 11, 2004 06:51 PMMr Y is already experiencing the life of a Dad and so approaches this question from a positon of have. You, my dear, have yet to begin your life as a Mommy so you are discussing from a position of have not.
And the experience of being a Mom is so incredibly wonderful, so intensely emotionally all-encompassing and vibrant. My life before was fun and full but when I look back I have to say it certainly lacked the immediacy and sheen that I experience as a Mom.
A funny story you reminded me of about cats and children. I was talking to a woman on the phone, about a college I was thinking of attendng, and my cat was squawking in the background, he's extremely vocal and loud. The woman asked if I needed to take care of anything, and I replied, yes, hang on while I toss him into another room, so we can talk. I heard a little gasp from her end, and I wondered what her deal was.
After hearing him on the phone with my roommate, it occured to me that he sounds awfully like a baby.
Incidentally, I didn't attend the school. ;0)
Posted by: Allison at June 11, 2004 04:02 PMI heard the gong yesterday. A friend told me that his girlfriend is pregnant and at that very moment I wanted to be pregnant too.
Posted by: Theresa at June 11, 2004 03:31 PMi hear you on the gong thing...it happens to me know when I see babies. so fricking loud isn't it?
and yes, your kitties will be a wonderful muffle for the gong. they're so much like little children. but without the diapers. ;-)
Posted by: kat at June 11, 2004 03:08 PMMan I feel like a broken record here but if both people are not on the same page with kids in the end one or both of you will be unhappy.
Dosnt matter how much time pases it still will not resolve the issue. One of you may cave to the others position but in the end that person will never be truly happy.
Posted by: Drew at June 11, 2004 02:10 PMIf I've said it once, I've said it a million times (I may actually be coming up on a million:), this child issue needs to be ironed out. I'm not saying you guys have to decide to have children now, but you should decide NOW whether or not you will have children and when.
There'll always be good reasons to have and not to have children. In the end it really does come down to "Because I want one" or "Because I DON'T want one." But there is no middle ground.
Posted by: Solomon at June 11, 2004 01:45 PM"Because" is a perfectly acceptable answer in this case. And Men feel it too.
Posted by: Clancy at June 11, 2004 12:50 PMI don't think that a fear of weight gain is at all unusual. Giving up your body is a reasonable fear, especially in today's society, and I've heard many other women say the same thing.
Not all women gain much weight when pregnant, though. I only gained about 9 pounds when I was pregnant, and then lost 40 pounds after the delivery and the subsequent month. I was overweight at the time, but now, post-child, am normal. I guess that means it can go either way.
Posted by: the girl at June 11, 2004 12:42 PM"Theatre groups are the most accepting and most dysfunctional of any group in the world."
The West End.
I'll never haunt otherwise.
Elsewhere is false.
Re: The Gong
Given your blatant awareness, from the outside looking in; you are a Woman capable of true Motherhood. 1ne to relish.
Something tells me this will come to pass...
Posted by: Curator at June 11, 2004 09:14 AM