So.
This is what one year looks like.
This blog takes up 10 MG, and uses 998 MG of bandwidth per month. In the past 12 months, I have generally blogged five times a week.
This blog represents my brain, my heart, and my angst. It has saved me and it has caused me problems. It has given me more support than I could have dreamed, and I have met the kindest people. If you open up the web browser on Everyday Stranger, you will find my feelings wrapped around every paragraph and every post. It's all real, and always has been.
I started this blog exactly one year ago today as a way to try to talk about my problems. I didn't know what to do with it in the beginning, it went through the bumps and starts that every blog does. I wanted to try to write out what I was feeling and thinking, in part because I needed to talk, and in part because I wanted to see if I could write, if I had any hope of a future there. Sometimes I look at my blog and think-You know, maye I could make it as a writer. I think of trying to send an agent my blog link and seeing what they think, but then I get scared again and decide: Nope. Can't handle rejection. Just let sleeping dogs lie.
But my blog remains as one of the few places where I can dump my head out on the web and hope that there is someone who knows what it's like. Who knows where I am coming from and why I am going there. Who can explain my feelings to me when I can't even understand them myself.
Just before I started this blog, I received a diagnosis of what is wrong with me, a fundamental design flaw in my architecture, a tear in the ribcage of my infrastructure. I have always been quirky, difficult, and exhausting. After I tried to kill myself I received a diagnosis of why I am that way. This blog was born out of that, and although I have not talked specifically about my diagnosis, I suppose that day is coming.
One year has passed and my god has my life changed so wildly. I stand on the brink of the life I am living and look back at the one I have left behind, and I can't believe I survived the fall. In the past year, I:
- Left Sweden.
- Moved to England.
- Lost my marriage.
- Got the grandest passion I could ever hope for.
- Lost my job from Company X, who owned my soul.
- Got a new job with Dream Job.
- Spend the darkest, blackest winter of my life.
- Was found by Mr. Y.
- Gave up my babies in the Stockholm freezer.
- Met a wonderful blogger friend.
- Turned 30.
- Lost my family.
- Tried to get them back.
- Really lost them this time.
- Moved in with Mr. Y.
- Moved into my dream home.
- Started psychotherapy (but then, unfortunately, had to stop it. The hunt is on for a new Armchair Man).
- Found Lost in Translation.
- Cut off all my hair.
- Found the man above all men, the one I love almost to my detriment.
- Learned that I had a banshee, and she is real and scary and needed.
- Lost my beloved dog.
- Still waiting for my beloved cats.
- Made some amazing and important blog friends.
- Went to Turkey, Estonia, the U.S., the Czech Republic, Northern Ireland, Scotland, and Wales.
- Started learning what it's like to be a stepmother.
- Broke a man's heart.
- Broke my own heart.
And there's more. But another enormous snuffleupagus of a change is that I look in my life, and I find Kim is gone. Somehow in the past year, I have let him go, I quietly accepted that he is dead and I will never, ever see him again. I don't see him in crowds anymore. I don't think he is still alive in the world somewhere, waiting to contact me. He is dead, and although I think of him everyday, I know that he is not with me anymore.
It was said once in my comments section that I seem happy....for now. And sometimes I worry that's true. Laying on Mr. Y last night, my hand tracing circles in the fur on his chest and his arm playing with my ear, I told him that I worry about that myself.
"I am very happy." I whisper.
"Good. That makes me happy." he says back, smiling into the darkness.
"But I worry that something will come in and burst the bubble, that it will take away what we have. I worry that this life is too perfect, too good. I don't want to lose it. Do you think that will happen?"
"I don't think so," he said kindly. "I don't see why anything needs to come in and burst or deflate the bubble."
My life is not perfect-it has hidden valleys of pain and trouble, secret hurts that wander beneath eyelids. I am striving towards a beautiful new life, but the old one still lingers with me and the crazy hasn't cleared up with a dose of aspirin. But one year on, I can't help but think that I am in a much, much better place in life. I am in a job that I enjoy, in a country that makes sense to me, and with a man I can't keep my hands and heart off of.
One year ago I didn't understand anything about my life. Today, I still don't, but it's with laughter that my new world unwraps itself to me-making dinner with this man who makes me think and makes me laugh. A pretty dress and insane hat await me for tomorrow's Ascot Race. Mr. Y and I taking part in a local theatre production (more on both of those later.)
And one year on, my blog is still here. And it's still a baby, still more to go. If you've been reading my brain for a while, thank you.
And I'm sorry I am so screwed up.
So here's to another year of ups and downs, another year of fights and triumphs, another year of recovery and hope amidst the daily dose of Helen-crazy that gets sprinkled liberally on everything I touch.
Let the new year begin.
-H.
PS-Still no broadband, so I am still unable to do much blogging :)
Wow, an entire year. I'm almost there myself. I'm glad I found your blog so many months ago, I hope you continue to share of yourself here, you do such a wonderful job of it. You have been and continue to be an inspiration.
Posted by: Sue at June 16, 2004 06:41 AMCongrats on your first year and on everything you have accomplished :-)
Posted by: Brandy at June 16, 2004 05:20 AMHappy blogiversary!!!
Posted by: Talia at June 16, 2004 02:35 AMCongrats Helen, I've enjoyed watching you grow - thanks for the laughter, thanks for the tears. Here's to another year with more bliss on the horizon than you could've ever hoped for.
Posted by: KJB at June 15, 2004 11:57 PMHelen, I am soo glad Drew (Xanga) posted your link on his site, I had a hysterectomy two weeks ago and your site is only bookmarked at work. I have you again at last and have been catching up. I do so love the pics of your new house! absolutely gorgeous. I am glad things are going along well for you and continue to do so : )
Posted by: Cheryl at June 15, 2004 10:30 PMHelen, Happy Blog-birthday!
It feels great to review things to see how far we've come and yet how far we have to go. It seems that you have someone who will walk the journey with you. Enjoy the ride this time 'round :-)
I found my therapist through the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
http://www.bacp.co.uk/
Happy Birthday to the blog! It's amazing how much being able to vent in a place like this helps. Here's to many more years!
Don't apologize for being screwed up... All of us who have found your site love and adore you. Always remember that.
I want to comment a longer reply later, but I just had to say please please don't appologize for being screwed up. You are a wonderful person and a lot more aware of your reality than many people I know. Thanks for sharing your life with us :) *hugs*
Posted by: Onyx at June 15, 2004 07:11 PMIt's always enriching to read your writing. And speaking of that, fuck the fear of rejection. You have immense talent as a writer, certainly a lot more than I have. But I learned to evaluate writing at Duke University, I'm credentialed, baby, and guess what: you're the real thing. You can make novels if you want to. I know this talent when I see it. You've earned this feedback, and you should make regular deposits in your account of self-confidence so you can start drawing interest. You should find an agent and offer your writing for publication...when you're ready, of course, but you should do it.
Posted by: Denny at June 15, 2004 06:47 PMIn the wake of Layne's recent disappearance and the unleashing of the blog detectives and subsequent speculation about her identity, its nice to know that Everyday Stranger is as real as a blog written under a fake name can be.
I also think its incredibly important to take stock like you have. Maybe this'll turn into a meme?
Call it Take Stock Day or something.
Posted by: Johnny Huh? at June 15, 2004 06:23 PMAh, Roger- the lovely Mr. Y is not going tomorrow-he works for a different part of Company X. But I will definitely ask him if he wouldn't mind taking a pic of me :)
Posted by: Helen at June 15, 2004 06:01 PMDon't apologize to us, Helen. We're ALL screwed up one way or another! And keep on blogging - you actually are very inspirational. :-)
Posted by: ThatGuy at June 15, 2004 05:01 PMPlease Mr. Y, don't forget your camera tomorrow:-)
Posted by: Roger at June 15, 2004 05:00 PMMany more!
Posted by: Ted at June 15, 2004 04:21 PMWhat a year! Thanks for sharing yourself. Here's to many more!
Posted by: amelia at June 15, 2004 03:48 PMHappy,happy. Don't let the POTENTIAL for bad things ruin today. As they say...Sit back, keep your hands inside the car, and enjoy the ride
Posted by: Kyle at June 15, 2004 03:02 PMHappy one year! Having found your site recently, I want to say I admire your strength and bravery in pouring in how you pour your head and heart on the page. You're willing to turn your face to the dark, as well as the sun in your own life - to me that's the hardest thing a person can do.
Posted by: Jenn at June 15, 2004 02:56 PMhappy blogiversary!!! helen, you are a thing of beauty. so talented, creative, funny, inspiring, and real. i come here first thing every morning to get a taste of you. thank you for being here, for being you. here's to another year!!
Posted by: kat at June 15, 2004 02:45 PMThanks :)
Kitties will be here the end of November. I can't get them here any sooner, X Partner Unit and I ballsed it up on their blood test and should've done that sooner, it turns out the quarantine entry date isn't based on the rabies shot, but based on the bloodtest after that that proves they have the antibodies in their system. They can enter 6 months from the date of the blood test, which was May 29.
Damn.
Posted by: Helen at June 15, 2004 02:28 PMCongratulations!! This year was good. Next year will be even better. You have good things coming your way. (Kitties are brining it with them to you.)
Posted by: Karen at June 15, 2004 02:18 PMHappy Anniversary!
So glad I stumbled upon your blog. Reading this has enlightened me to more than you know.
Thank you Helen.
Here's to another one!
Posted by: Rebecca at June 15, 2004 02:12 PMHappy Anniversary.
So happy to have found your blog...
So happy to see you happy...
Just as so many others I've been lurking around behind stage and watched you through this year. For whatever it's worth I've found someone that way that seems to have a lot of simular happenings with myself and I'm glad that you are finding a way out.
Take care of what you've got and enjoy life...that's what it's for...eventually :) *painful hug*
And Happy Anniversary :D
C.
Posted by: croxie at June 15, 2004 02:08 PMCongrats & Happy Anniversary!!! I've been hanging out here for about 9 of those last 12 months and I've seen you change. All for the better too.
Never, ever apologize for being you. (yeah - what Kylan said...)
Posted by: Clancy at June 15, 2004 02:07 PMHappy Anniversary H!
If it's any consolation - I don't think any of us know what life is all about. But, you can't live it waiting for the ball to drop. Just enjoy whole heartedly what you have. Don't think of why you have it. Just that you have it. Happiness I mean. It's amazing if you give in to it. Yes.. you may get hurt. But your going to waste all your time and memories if you wonder whats going to happen next.
It's the little things that make me happy. My backyard. A really good book. Knowing my kids are safe in their bed.
Thats what truly makes my life worth living.
Posted by: Tiffani at June 15, 2004 02:03 PMHappy Anniversary!!!
Posted by: Donna at June 15, 2004 01:48 PMtwo things:
one) you're not screwed up, or if you are, then everyone else in the world is too, which makes you normal, which makes you not screwed up. so there!
two) never apologize for who or what you are. Even if you are screwed up (and you're not!) then that is just the way you are. We've come to know, and love this person that we know, so for you to apologize for who you are that we care about brings some odd juxtaposition of feeling into play. Just be who you are - that's all anyone can ever hope for - and with you, it is so much
Congratulations on having your blog up a year, and so close to the 5k mark for comments and suchlike -- it really is phenomenal when you look back on it...
Tioraidh, Helen Adelaide
we'll be here ...
Happy Anniversary. It's been both painful and pleasurable getting to know you through your blog. It's very hard for me to see someone in pain, and you've had your share. I wish for you more peace, happiness, and contentment than you could wish for yourself.
Take care and God bless.
Posted by: Solomon at June 15, 2004 01:09 PMHelen,
When do you expect your cats?
It seems that it isn't only your life that has changed, your heart and your soul have too, for the best. I wish I had been here from the beginning so I could have witnessed more of it.
I'm here now, though :)
Take care of you,
Please let me add my very best wishes on your one year anniversary. Seems like a hell of a lot for one person to go through in just 365 days, Helen. And I thought I was stressed.
Posted by: Random Penseur at June 15, 2004 12:43 PMHappy anniversary, dear Helen. Congratulations for making it this far in just a year!
You made me laugh and think, and sometimes even almost cry, and not many people can claim that. Reading you has been a bumpy ride of ups and downs, but I wouldn't want to miss any part of it.
Here's to many more years of the Everyday Stranger, who isn't quite so strange anymore. :-)
Posted by: Gudy at June 15, 2004 12:08 PMI seem to recall finding your site through a link from either Don or Jim concerning your Al-Fresco post (I'm sure you know the one I mean).
Suffice to say, in the months that followed I have laughed with you, cried for you (well not quite but there have definitely been a couple of lump-back-of-throat moments) and eagerly tuned in each and every weekday for the latest update from someone who I hold as easily the best personal blogger out there.
Happy blogiversary H and here's to many more to come.
PS How about a best of 2003/2004? Just a thought.
It's been quite a Year H, thanks for letting us tag along.
That bubble bursting fear? I get it too, just when I realise i'm happy... don't know what to do wth it except not let IT be the thing that bursts the bubble.
Keep breathing and keep looking up!
Posted by: zeno at June 15, 2004 11:37 AMHappy anniversary. It's been great in all senses, riding the highs and lows along with you, just like Jim said. While the past year was bumpy I have a strong feeling the year ahead is going to be far more plain sailing with your new-found happiness in both work and love.
I'm glad to have met you and feel extremely privileged to know you. I'm proud to count you as a close friend and I'm very much looking forward to sharing the journey forward together.
Posted by: Simon at June 15, 2004 10:58 AMHappy Blogiversary, Helen. I count myself lucky that I found you close to the beginning. Or did you find me? Anyway, it's been a wonderful, frightening, inspiring and delightful year having you for a friend and I'm very happy to be able to look forward to many more.
Posted by: Jim at June 15, 2004 10:51 AMCongrats Helen on completing one year and finding peace within. Here's to many more years of blogging and most imptly to ur happiness.
Cheers!