So life goes on here, a roller coaster of emotions. I have a doctor visit this morning (called a visit to the surgery here in England, which makes me laugh and think of doctors sprinting through hallways). Not only is it time for a skin cancer check, but I am having some issues-I am so tired all the time. I am cold all the time. And lately when I go to the toilet I leave behind a bowl full of blood, and although I am not a doctor (I just play one on TV), I can't think that can be a good sign (sorry about the graphic qualities of that one).
Maybe it's my evil twin trying to chew its way out.
Gross.
Anyway, there is an airline here called BMI, which is known for having cheap flights if you book way ahead of time. They put forward an offer, set from November this year to March next year. They have 500,000 seats to fill up, so had incredible deals. Mr. Y and I have booked three trips, all for ridiculous prices-it cost £4.00 per person each way, plus taxes. So we have booked:
Palma de Mallorca (an island off the coast of Spain) in November
Amsterdam in December
Alicante (Spain) in January
We haven't booked any trips in September (Emily is coming!) or in October, as we are planning a one-week holiday away together to somewhere warm. We also haven't booked February, as Mr. Y's kids are going on holiday with us for two weeks.
My feet are itching, which means I want to travel somewhere, and luckily Mr. Y and I travel extremely well together (travelling together is a test of a real relationship-if you can survive travel, you can make it!). Living here in Europe has meant that flights to different locations are much cheaper than they are in the U.S., and so I like to take advantage of it. Sometimes I think I hunger to see how other places look, how other people live, how their grocery stores are stocked, how other lives are led.
When we were in Cornwall last weekend, I had a lovely peaceful moment. Mr. Y, Melissa, and two of Jean's kids, Hilda and Rachel, and I were at the beach near Port Issac. The water was far from warm, rain was tumbling from the sky, but Melissa and Rachel decided they wanted to go swimming. Mr. Y and Hilda went to get some coffee, and I rolled up my pant legs and waded into the cold water to hold the towels for the girls.
I never took my eyes off of them, my two freezing mermaid charges, and at one moment the sun broke. The rain fell, capturing little rainbows in my hair and eyes, and the surf pounded in, making my little girls scream with delight. I looked down at my feet, the cold making them white, and saw a purple stone. It was brilliantly purple, laced with sparklies in the light, and I reached a hand into the salty water and pulled it out. I turned it around in my hand, thinking of the perfect moment and thinking of the way it made me feel, like I could make a list of the things I want in my life. I made a list, and then I put the rock in my pocket.
It sits on the windowsill in the bedroom now, only it's not so brilliantly colored. It's more like a brownish color, and the sparklies are gone. It's as though the rock isn't so beautiful unless it's in its natural element, it just can't shine without the Cornish sea pounding over it.
But here is a part of my list:
-I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel like I don't know the person who looks back at me.
- I want to be with a man who looks at me in a crowd and feels his knees go weak, thinking that I am the most beautiful woman there.
- And I want him to tell me that, too.
- I want to be able to remove 30 years of sins from the relationship with my family. Both theirs and mine.
- I want to be able to tell you how much I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.
- I want to be able to tell a joke and make people laugh.
- I want to cry at the birth of my child, and I want my man to cry with me.
- I want to have a Christmas that is replete with decorations and laughter.
- I want to not feel so fucking scared when I have to meet new people.
- I want to stop hurting myself.
- I want to be standing there and feel the tug of my child's hand as they ask me for a hug.
- I want to have to carpool my kids to football and ballet.
- I want the freedom of knowing that a fight doesn't mean that we are on the way to breaking up.
- I want to be able to tell people what I think and feel without them getting angry.
- I want to take yoga, horseback riding, and flying lessons.
- I want a dog.
- I want to publish a book and be allowed to work on writing another one.
- I want to never be hit ever again.
- I want to curl up on your lap and watch TV.
- I want to make love in the soft grass of the summer sun.
- I want to go on holiday to a tropical island and snorkel with the brightly colored fish.
- I want my cats to be here now.
- I want the people around me to be happy and relaxed.
- I want to perfect my recipe for the perfect homemade macaroni and cheese.
- I want to know that my rock and I are the perfect color, wherever we go.
A lighter post coming tomorrow.
-H.
PS-My love and thanks to Melanie. She sent me a present, a little stand-in for my cats. It made me cry, and now joins me by my pc.
Posted by Everydaystranger at June 30, 2004 10:55 AM | TrackBackAnd that's not the end of the list? Sheesh.
As for travel, it seems you guys are away almost every weekend. It's almost like you're never at home anyway!
Posted by: Simon at July 2, 2004 05:44 AMThe 'cranberry bowl'. I myself have created this phenominon. You'll probably be recommended for a sigmoidoscopy (but if they let you get the whole colonoscopy, go for it).
Mine was diagnosed as accute autoimmune ulcerative colitis.
It's a (pardon the pun) giant pain in the ass.
Good luck. God bless.
Posted by: Michael at July 1, 2004 06:27 AMHope you get well soon. BTW, where is Luuka?
Posted by: plumpernickel at July 1, 2004 04:56 AMOops! Mea Culpa! I didn't realize these comments don't keep the email address.
If someone wants me to simply email the mac-n-cheese recipe, my address is:
awinebuff@gmail.com
Sorry 'about that.
Posted by: Amber at June 30, 2004 10:36 PMI just did a Mac-N-Cheese blog and ended up posting my recipe in my comments! Deja-vu to read of it here.
If anyone wants it, you can either plow through my comments on that entry (I think it was last Friday's, cleverly entitled "Macaroni and Cheese") or email me and I'll send it back. Happy to do so. :-)
Helen, you said: "- I want the freedom of knowing that a fight doesn't mean that we are on the way to breaking up."
I want that too. I'll say this, the paralyzing fear is better now, years later, than when we first got together.
When Dan and I first got together and had a fight, I believed it was the end of the world and the end of my life. Each time. Funny thing is, he did too. So we'd end up comforting each *other* over the fears that the other one was leaving when they really weren't. Whew, did that make sense? ;-)
Posted by: Amber at June 30, 2004 06:46 PMOops! Forgot my footnote.
* We are an Atlas heavy household. We have the Big Atlas as well as a number of normal sized Atli, a Preschool Atlas, Atlas of the States, and my favorite - a historical Atlas. It's entirely possible that I've missed one or more here.
Posted by: Jim at June 30, 2004 06:22 PMThat is so weird. About a week before we closed on the house Lovely Wife was packing stuff (Lovely Wife does not wait for trifling things like closings) and came across our big Atlas*. She showed the kids and I a bunch of the places where she went vacationing and Mallorca (she pronounced it May-or'-ka with the "may" rolling right into the "or") was one of her favorites. I hope y'all have a wonderful time there.
If you do manage to perfect that mac-a-cheese recipe please do send me a copy. I'm always working on tweaking mine and wouldn't mind a hint or two.
As far as your rock and you always being the right color, that's already here. You see, the sparklies and the lustre are just the reflection of things off of you. Put that rock in a crystal decanter full of water and see what it looks like.
Posted by: Jim at June 30, 2004 06:20 PMI am crossing my fingers you don't wind up needing a colonoscopy but ah . . . if I'm reading this right you probably need a colonoscopy. Which means that now more than ever, you have my fondest good-luck wishes and my deepest sympathy.
The nice thing about your list of wants is how many of them seem to be in progress. That's a great place in which to find yourself.
Posted by: ilyka at June 30, 2004 05:50 PMI hope the tests will end up being ok...blood is a part of you that should stay inside your body, nowhere else.
As for the list I can pick out more than half of the wishes for myself too. I hope you'll get yours granted :)
Happy to know that you've already visited the doc. That loo business sounds like bad news. Could be that's why you're tired, too - constantly replacing blood like that is hard on the body. (I should know, ugh.) Lots of vegetarian women are severely anemic, so you might want to think about supplements.
As for the emotional stuff...oh dear. It sounds, as it often does with you, as if what you most want is a family, a solid, well-constructed one that gives you and those you love a safety net. My only advice is that families take lots and lots of time to build. (Yes, you're a smart woman who already knows this, but it bears repeating.) Give yourself space. You and Mr Y are both still recovering from very difficult life situations. That you're able to be with Melissa and plan vacations together are excellent signs. Take pleasure in your capacity to grow together.
Posted by: Kaetchen at June 30, 2004 04:33 PMI think you may be well on your way to a bunch of things on your list. Hope all goes well at the doctor. And OhMyGod! Those are the cheapest flights ever. I wish I could get one that cheap to go visit My Man in Scotland... Oh well, that will just have to go on my list.
Posted by: amy t. at June 30, 2004 04:06 PMmmmm...perfect macaroni & cheese....ya gotta share your recipe, pretty please? By the way, can you buy Velveeta overseas? I visited NYC & could find everything but Velveeta.
on a serious note: I hope the whole doctor thing turns out ok and I hope that all, if not, at least some of your list comes true soon.
Posted by: Marie Freeman at June 30, 2004 03:36 PMThanks Solomon :)
I had enough blood drawn today to feed a small army of vampires, so I should know more in a week.
Until then, I like to think of my restroom visits as the height of attractive.
Posted by: Helen at June 30, 2004 02:16 PMI hope (and pray) that the bleeding thing isn't serious. Please e-mail me if you have a specific prayer request that you don't want to post.
Never want to be hit again? Don't have children then:) Angel2 hits me all the time. She intends it for fun, but she's getting to where she can hit hard. I know what you really meant.
Your list seems doable assuming you can get Mr. Y (or someone else) to have children. I didn't notice any mutually exclusive items like: I want children AND I want to sleep well at night. Those two just don't go together:)
Posted by: Solomon at June 30, 2004 01:52 PMGood Luck at the Doctors. The cat was cute.
Posted by: Drew at June 30, 2004 01:24 PMAn excellent list. I hope you get what you want.
I also hope that you recognize when you get something that you didn't realize you wanted.
~Easy
that was a nice entry. And I'm so glad My Girl is home now :)
Posted by: melanie at June 30, 2004 12:44 PMWow. I love reading you and when you are emotional it always affects me, but never like this one... wiping away tears. Amazing.
Posted by: Heather at June 30, 2004 11:00 AM