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Snippets
These are the kinds of short talks that we have at our house.
***************
Mr. Y: (flipping an omelette over in the pan) I'm making you some lunch.
Me: (Sticking my hand inside of his boxers and cupping his lovely balls and his penis) Mmmm...these feel lovely.
Mr. Y: The omelette is collapsing.
Me: Is that what you're calling it these days?
***************
Mr. Y: (explaining yet another bit of English culture that I didn't understand in his Higgins way) You wouldn't understand. It's a high-class thing.
Me: Hey-I'm very cultured. I understand about these things.
Mr. Y: You don't know dick.
Me: (raising an eyebrow) Oh honey. I do know dick.
Mr. Y: My point exactly. Tart.
***************
Me: (holding the remote in my hands) Look, Will and Grace is on!
Mr. Y: What do you find funny about this? Someone walks into the room and laughs! What's funny about that? (He takes the remote and changes to Newsnight, a political show).
Me: Look at that! That newscaster is hideous! And she's ugly, too! And ohmigod, that's the ugliest tie I've ever seen! (I can't help but check out newscaster's ties. And let it be said: men, please stop wearing pink shirts and pink ties. I can't help but think "labia" when I see it).
Mr. Y: I don't think it's that bad.
Me: Ohmigod! That guy, Slade Gorton? He looks like a skeleton! Or like the preacher from Poltergeist! Did they deliberately look for the ugliest people in the world to interview?
Mr. Y: It's a political show, Helen. They care about insight, not looks. And what the hell is Poltergeist?
Me: I know that, I like political shows, I just don't see why they need to bang the drum and bring out the hideous folk to try to make a critical impression. I don't need to be visually assaulted to get a decent opinion. And honey-we really need to start watching more movies.
At least I can say that for all their "critical impact", the Ugly People used a number of grammatically incorrect words. And I still say Gorton looks like the evil preacher. You decide.
***************
In the car to the gym, Mr. Y leans forward to snap his seat belt tight. He leans back. Then he leans forward again to test it.
Me: What are you doing?
Mr. Y: I just wanted to check the restraining mechanism.
Me: Most people shorten that and call it a seat belt. But you can call it what you want.
***************
Me: (snuggling against him in bed) I have been so tired today.
Mr. Y: Me too.
Me: I think I have the encephalitic lethargia. (note: like the disease they suffered in Awakenings)
Mr. Y: Right. No more medical documentaries for you.
***************
Me: (sitting on couch next to Mr. Y) I have found a major trait that is an advantage women have over men.
Mr. Y: Oh really? Do tell.
Me: We can stop mid-stream.
Mr. Y: You have been bored today, haven't you?
Me: No really. We can stop mid-stream.
Mr. Y: So can boys.
Me: Yeah, but it doesn't hurt us. We just stop. You guys herniate something and are in pain.
Mr. Y: (sarcastic) Ah. Yes, women truly are a miracle. What a trait.
***************
Me: (bouncing into the bathroom while a naked Mr. Y is shaving) Do you still enjoy having the sex with me? (note: things are always funnier if you add a "the" in front of it).
Mr. Y: (pausing mid-shave to look at me.) Yes.
Me: Ok. Just checking. Enquiring minds wanted to know.
I bounce out of the bathroom.
***************
Me: I downloaded a Roxy Music song today.
Mr. Y: They were good. Which song?
Me: More Than This. I just like the song. I also have Tainted Love and Take On Me. I don't know what's happening, I keep downloading your kind of music.
Mr. Y: What kind of music is that?
Me: (Shrugging) You know...old.
Note: This is not a dig at his age, but rather at the MTV generation. He considers "his generation" to be 80's related, whereas mine is more 90's related. So he gets the good music that makes our heads bop around and are used in Saturday Night Live sketches that get made into movies, while I am stuck with things like Vanilla Ice and Right Said Fred, both of which are not things that I am proud of.
It's kinda' hard to remember much about the 80's for me, seeing as I was barely menstruating at the exit of them.
80's music is already beginning to be considered Golden Oldies, albeit in the tasteful term "Classics". It's happening. I saw on VH1 recently during a channel surf that the Cranberries song Linger is considered a golden classic. Linger. For God's sake, I listened to that song in university. Between that and being too old for glandular fever, I really am reaching the over-the-hill point faster than I had ever thought.
***************
In bed he lets me stand on his feet. This is a big thing, where I flex my foot against his, and he keeps his foot straight so that I am standing up. You can't do that with every guy, just the special ones.
Mr. Y: (turning over in his sleep, making himself mold against me and whispering) You're very special to me.
And for once I keep my flippant replies to myself. I just smile and squeeze the arm he has snaked under my breast, and kiss his wrist. We go to sleep like that, and at various points in the night I wake up and find we're still entangled-me lying across his back, our backs pressed up against each other, even the basics of out feet tangled.
Sometimes the best comeback in the world is to just try to remember the moment and keep it with you.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at July 30, 2004 09:54 AM .http://blog2.mu.nu/cgi/trackback.cgi/38197
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Tracked: July 30, 2004 09:04 AM
In no particular order:
Stopping midstream: what's the big deal? (Apart from the general benefits of Kegel excercises to one's sex life, that is.) I can do it, it takes neither skill nor practice and doesn't hurt, but why would I want to? After all, it's not like I'm peeing for fun and profit, but because my bladder is full and that feeling is irritating as hell...
80's music rocks. 'nuff said.
Slade Gordon does look like the younger brother of the Evil Preacher.
Posted by: Gudy at August 3, 2004 02:05 PMhttp://homepage.ntlworld.com/first1/Blog/energy1.jpg
that might be kinda like what you were talking about in your earlier posts...
Posted by: pylorns at July 31, 2004 04:43 PMAbsolutely brilliant. Every single word.
Posted by: Jennifer at July 31, 2004 03:26 PMI'll hang on to and reminise about all sorts of things, but music just isn't one of them. I get so tired of the same thing over and over again I could scream. Besides, whats the first thing about old people that makes them old? Old peoples music. Yeah, I grew up with Led Zep, TheWho, etc. doesn't mean thats what I want to hear 35 years later.
Note to self: stay off Helen's couch, and DO NOT eat breakfast there
=)
Posted by: Dane at July 31, 2004 03:34 AMFrom when Dan was doing tech support at AOL back in the dark ages: "AOL Tech Support, this is Dan, how may I help you?"
"Am I on THE email?" (Needless to say, this is still how we refer to email.)
Yes, cadavers, both of them.
We play footsie while watching TV. Yes, you may gag.
And, *LINGER" is a golden oldie? What does that make me, a cadaver? Sheesh!
Great post, Helen, thanks!
Posted by: Amber at July 30, 2004 11:14 PMI agree with the comment about adding "the" in front of things to make it more funny. I have no idea why that is true, but it is.
You guys seem like quite a pair!
Posted by: Trace at July 30, 2004 10:56 PMAn aside to Jim -- men generally appreciate the woman's ability to stop mid-stream; it's just demonstrated at a different time. Think: Kegel. Mkay.
I also adore -- ADORE -- the fact that you add the "the" to things. When I'm mocking my (now dearly departed, bless her) grandma, I say: "Are you kids watching the MTV? Smoking the dope?" Eh. It's not so funny when you type it, but I totally understand what you mean. :)
Finally: I downloaded (from iTunes) every. Single. Adam Ant song available. I loved him in the 80's, all drippy with sex -- and I love him now, a little more plump but still a rounder, I'm sure. (That is my attempt to be cross-pond funny. It sank like a stone, I know.) Anyway. . .I blame you for the Tourette's iTunes Massacre yesterday. I swear I was thinking you'd approve. LOL!
Love,
Em
Thank you, Brad, for validating. Glad I am not the only one who sees it! :)
Posted by: Helen at July 30, 2004 04:32 PMyup, you are right, gorton DOES look like the evil preacher, or more like his younger brother.
Posted by: lucidly awake at July 30, 2004 04:22 PMHee, hee. You know your relationship is still good if you can make each other laugh. That was toe-curlingly funny!
Posted by: irene at July 30, 2004 04:02 PMteehee! this was the perfect post to come home to. thanks for making me giggle. you two are so cute!
Posted by: kat at July 30, 2004 03:34 PMOnce again Simon demonstrates his Alpha maleness! I can stop midstream too... with the help of a surgical clamp. Not that I would, mind you.
I'm sure in 30 years Simon (who'll probabaly still be blogging) will be touting his ability to pee without stopping. "My prostate is the size of a grapefruit yet Behold! No stoppages."
Posted by: Paul at July 30, 2004 03:03 PMI'm an 80's child. I love anything and everything about the 80 except leg warmers and members only jackets.
And...I'm pretty sure that Slade guy has the longest head on the planet.
Helen-
You are the greatest writer in the world.
You make me smile.
And I also am intrigued by a man's inability to stop mid-stream. :)
Posted by: Rebecca at July 30, 2004 02:29 PMI just started reading your columns about a month ago, and everyday they get better! You seem to be getting happier and that's a good thing! Good luck with all of that!
Posted by: Jessica at July 30, 2004 02:14 PMI'm going to flip to the '80s radio station on the way home from work today. It's a Friday ritual. As Bill and Ted would say, "Excellent". It really was/is fun music.
And to show that I'm totally a product of the '80s, I don't get Rap. Seriously. Some of the least talented people in the free world do Rap. How is that entertaining?
Posted by: Solomon at July 30, 2004 02:02 PMOkay, so can I just say how cute you two are :)
You sound happy Helen, stay that way.
Posted by: Jadewolff at July 30, 2004 01:56 PMI think it goes without saying that OF COURSE the kids weren't around when it happened. They were already gone and I would never do anything to cause a little therapy time in their future. Hanky-panky is strictly behind closed doors when they're staying with us :)
Posted by: Helen at July 30, 2004 01:48 PMWhat great post!
I trust that the kids weren't there while he was making the omelette. Or at least they were in the other room... ;-)
Posted by: Easy at July 30, 2004 01:26 PMTakes practice but guys can stop midstream. As Jim said though not that you would want to or anything
TGIF
Posted by: drew at July 30, 2004 01:16 PMSorry-I remain convinced that guys cannot stop midstream.
Posted by: Helen at July 30, 2004 12:59 PMslade gordon is not only ugly but a twat, he was booted in not the most polite of ways from his senate position in the Pacific Northwest. Dont think Id be trusting his political opinion anyways, the creepy factor is just an add on- even worse in person- trust me I met the creep! ICK!!!!
but thanks for the rest of the smile and added trait to add to my superiority complex :)
Posted by: stinkerbell at July 30, 2004 12:41 PMWonderful post, what a great start to my day!
And by the way, men can too stop mid-stream. All it takes is one of those 'handy clamps' that you can operate 1-handed. It helps to be drunk. It helps more if your buddy is drunk and you try it on him.
Posted by: Ted at July 30, 2004 11:44 AMYou can stop midstream? Why would you want to stop midstream? How does one discover that talent?
Now I'm going to have to go try this, you know.
Posted by: Jim at July 30, 2004 10:57 AMWoah, it never occurred to me that the pink on pink thing might actually be intentional and not just a heinous fashion crime.
Posted by: Gareth at July 30, 2004 10:41 AMThat was really touching, except where you called 80's music of the golden variety, then it was downright scary cause that's my music. I agree with you that it's funny adding "the", I had just never thought about it before. Finally, as for the pink on pink tie thing, I think you get it. Have a great weekend!
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 30, 2004 10:12 AMLOL!!
You sure made my morning with this one...hehehe.
Men can hold it mid-stream too. It doesn't hurt. It takes skill and practice, but it can be done.
Or so a friend told me...
Posted by: Simon at July 30, 2004 09:02 AM