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The Dump Truck
You know what really chaps my ass in a no-holds barred kind of way? You know what stings worse than sliding down a razor-blade and landing in a pool of alcohol, what's more embarrassing than showing up for a high school chemistry test unprepared, having forgotten my locker combination and discovering that I'm naked? You know what really, deep down, bugs me and pisses me off most of all?
I got dumped by my family in a comments section of a blog.
A comments section.
I'm not sure it gets any more Jerry Springer tasteless than that.
My family has a history of dumping me in spectacular fashion. My father did it once, screaming "Have a nice life!" down the phone at me, then hanging up on me. We didn't speak for a few years after that, and to this day I am still wildly intolerant of people hanging up on me.
But getting dumped in a comments section...geez, it's almost like looking to my left and seeing a table there laden with food, just begging for a food fight. Creamed corn? Why yes, throwing that would be delightful. I stand up and race to the table in my white stretch pants and hope that the Rave holds my hair in place. And you know? While I am at it, let's throw some chairs around and pull hair a la catfight, too.
Tacky doesn't begin to describe it.
Ironically, I have only ever been dumped once. Well, unless you count when I was 13 and Chris W. dumped me since I wasn't willing to do anything more than kiss (Chris? Dude? Look, when you're trying to French kiss, can you remember that the tongue is not actually a plunger trying to bring up deposits from inside the chick? OK? Women will thank you.) Oh, and my fuck-buddy I had in university called our fuck-buddy relationship quits, but I wasn't really cut up about that, considering the fact that not only had I never had an orgasm with him, but he also tried to have a private moment in front of me once when I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and that's just not on.
I am not crowing about the fact that I have only been dumped once-I guess I am lucky considering I am the most unstable person in the world, and adding rejection to the already mostrous pile of issues I have on my shoulders is not a very good thing.
Nope, the only other time I've ever been dumped is by Mr. Y. Just into our relationship, when it honestly looked like we weren't going anywhere, blam! he dumps me. I don't actually blame him, and to be honest, once he did that I missed him so badly it cut me into tiny slivers inside and made me realize-more than anything-how much I cared about him and needed him. We got back together then (and split later, obviously), but that dumping of me by him really made me see how I felt about him.
However, the method was not so great-he dumped me via text message. But to be honest, text was really the big and almost only means of communication we had in those early days (due to home situation and the fact that we were both travelling so much), so I actually do understand-it wasn't done to avoid me or hurt me. Lots of big and little things between us then happened over text. We have agreed that should a big split come someday, we will discuss it face to face.
Dumping these days is getting more interesting. I read a story about a man in, I believe, Malaysia, who dumped his wife by saying "I divorce you." three times via text. Ergo, he's a free man. And how many people have gotten that "we're through" email? That one where you click on the loved-ones name in bold, only to reveal once you've dinked the annoying yellow envelope that you read in the text that baby-the love you've had is just gone, gone gone?
When I think back to the breakups that I have had in my relationships, I am almost positive that I have only ever broken it off with people in person. Mostly, because I am a glutton for punishment, but also because I would rather handle these things face to face-I believe in taking my lumps and taking them right off the bat. That said, I have once or twice used the "We need some space, it's not you it's me," line, and the times I said it to those men, I really meant "It's over, and actually, it's you that's the problem." But when I left the big relationships I was in, I went for the truth.
To my first husband as we went for a walk around the block in our steamy Wilmington, North Carolina neighborhood: I don't really think we love each other anymore. It's just over.
To Kim as we sat in a Starbucks in downtown Dallas, the night around us outside the glass and two cups of cooled hot tea on the table in front of us: You are my heart and I will always love you, we just want different things.
However, when we called it a day the first time, Kim and I, he slid a letter under my front door after we had our break-up talk on the phone. And it really hurt. Really.
And I told X Partner Unit a lot of the truth, too, but now when I think about it in my head, I simply can't remember what was said.
I look around me and wonder about people's break-up stories, the best and worst of them. For each person that you meet, you usually have a bust-up in their lives. At least one. And for each one of us, we have a break-up that sticks out the most in our minds, a dumping that really lingers with us. One that stands out amongst the others in terms of heartbreak, or relief, or just plain bad-handling.
The dumping I most remember was of Erik, a Finnish descendant pain-in-the-ass that I worked with in Dallas. One night in bed (after faking it twice) I told him of some of the sexual escapades Kim and I used to get up to. A few days later, I found out the whole office knew about it, and when I asked him, he said he told his department one evening during a "sharing" session, and since he didn't want to share anything of himself, he shared my stories.
*Beep, beep, beep* went the sound of the dump truck backing up as I told him "Baby, we are so over."
Note to self: raunchy sexual escapades to be kept to self. Well, except Mr. Y, who knows all about it.
I remember watching that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie gets dumped by Post-It-Note. That reaches a new low in our society, I think. When we can't take the time to even write a whole letter, when losing someone isn't worth taking up a single piece of paper and going to the effort of putting it in the mail, or taking the time to sit in front of a pc and type it out, we've reached a bad point. A really bad point.
Perhaps even as bad as getting dumped in the comments section.
Which is my new low-point in terms of getting dumped.
So what's your worst dumping/dumpee story?
-H.
PS-yes, still depressed and sad and angry. Still email server problems so if I haven't responded to you, it's because I can't get to them. And I now have no idea what happened to Luuka and frankly could care less. I am perhaps a little low on the emotional resources just now.
But my lovely boy and I made up yesterday, over an evening of moussaka and white wine and nice hugs, so I am much more stable now.
PPS-favorite Shakespeare? King Lear. A story of filial piety and insanity.
The irony is not lost on me there.
Posted by Everydaystranger at September 2, 2004 08:35 AM .http://blog2.mu.nu/cgi/trackback.cgi/43401
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Excerpt: Helen writes about breakups today (among other things) and she inspired me to tell this long winded story: Several years ago I was introduced (via email) to an incredibly interesting women (to keep this coherent, I will call her Marie). We traded a few...
Weblog: Clancy's View
Tracked: September 2, 2004 04:31 PM
Only two duping stories come to mind for me...
The first being a high school thing where I was trying to find the guy during lunch to tell him it wasn't working out only to have him dump me when I asked to speak to him (I was so indignant that I didn't get to do the dump and that I got the dumpee label). I was really young in many ways then.
The second dump story is one I still wish I could have handled face to face or at least via phone. I had been dating a Navy guy for a couple months when I was raped and he was very supportive. He came to visit from out of state within a month and I thought things were good concidering all the crap surrounding us(and how much like shit I felt)that we had a chance to stay together.
It was about six weeks later that he let it slip that the entire time he was home that he was not only stoned, but on cocaine as well. He was telling me about how he'd passed the drug test and how much everything on that visit home had been a sort of blur. I was young and stupid and tried to talk it all out with him, but he deployed out then on his carrier. I tried for a couple of months to get a phone call or something to figure it all out, and ended up coming to the realization with all that time of zero contact with him that it was the shitty situation that had made me cling to my idea of him. I didn't really love the guy, but I was so desparate for that one thing to not be screwed up because of the rape I clung to who I wanted him to be.
After another two months of no calls and knowing from his parents he'd talked to them I wrote him a dear john letter. I had written him letters several times asking him to call and hinting that I needed to speak to him, but I still wished I had done the break up face to face, but I had moved on and needed to break it off.
I was really worried that he would take it badly especially concidering that his father had commited suicide at around the same age as him when his mother had rejected him because of alcohol abuse and psychosis. I had waited in part to because of that to tell him it wasn't working in person and that was a big part of why I waited 6+ months with no contact. I never heard from him again, but we lived in a small town and on the other hand I never heard anything bad either. I hope that he was okay and still wonder if I hurt him badly or if he had avoided me because he knew it was over too.
A few years later I ended up marrying my best friend. He was a guy friend who I never took seriously while we were in high school who ended up being there for me while all this stuff was going on. We never dated until a while after I had split up with the guy from the Navy via letter but I felt so bad for a long time about being interested in another man while "dating" another even if I hadn't had contact with my "boyfriend" in 6+ months.
First off, Helen, I love your blog. The honesty is astounding. I've been reading for quite a while but I don't believe I've ever commented.
I think we all have lots of dumper/dumpee stories to tell, the sordid lot we are. lol
I, too, have been the dumper most of the time and always face to face, save for once when he was in college and I was in high school. I did that one over the phone. With the ex-hubby, I picked him up from work one day, told him we needed to talk and when we got home, I told him I wanted a divorce. Simple as that. I walked out and got a pack of smokes and sat in the driveway smoking while he packed his shit.
Oddly enough, we're better friends now than we were during seven years of marriage.
The most painful ones, though, are the ones you know you have to let go of but really don't want to. Did that twice...once it stuck and once it didn't.
Most of my relationships have just sort of fizzled out. I've only been the dumper twice, and the dumpee the same number of times. All of them very painful.
Posted by: Easy at September 3, 2004 01:56 PMWorst one ever done to me: First real boyfriend couldn't bring himself to tell me (and I'm sadly one of those desperate, insistent types who you HAVE to tell outright), so a mutual male friend volunteered to ask him, and reported back to me, "Pete says, the deal between you and him is, there is no deal." Curiously, or not, Pete also was Finnish. What is it with those people?
Worst one I've ever done: E-mailed ex-fiance to tell him I was sending the ring back. Yeah, granted, he was out of state at the time, but maybe I could have picked up the phone?
Posted by: ilyka at September 3, 2004 09:00 AMOh, I almost forgot! I've been reading about being being dumped and fired by SMS.
As in "We R over - Goodbi"
or
"U r Sacked :-("
Apparently a POMY company sacked a large number of people in this manner. I don't have the link but I'm sure it would turn up with a bit of googling.
And I see that you have cyberdumped someone by Helen dotting his blog:
http://outofchances.blogspot.com/2004/08/mcdonalds.html
(I don't know what it was he said or did but I'm sure he deserved it.)
Helen,
You are a very classy lady and it is outrageous that these people couldn't have found a more tasteful way to dump you!
O.k. b4 I get banned for life the above is my attempt to cheer you up :-/ What is humour if not for dealing with difficult and unfair situations?
But seriously I think the majority of families don't get along and all this hugs and kisses family life is a bit of a myth. I reckon if one were to anonymously ask people if they would make friends with their siblings if they weren't related and just met them socially most people would say "no".
I know my mum and her siblings and parents fought like cats and dogs. And my wife and sister don't speak to one another. And my sister in law was always a bitch to her mum etc I was always thankful to be an only child!
Still you ARE a classy lady and deserve better. I am really happy for you and Mr Y and you are so lucky to have a job in POMYland where you can actually afford to live and travel. (This is an extremely rare thing in POMY land and increasingly in the States and Australia too so remember you have at least gotten one really good break!)
Cheers,
Steve
Once again, you have written a raggedly honest piece that not only invites compassion and anger and a laugh all at once, but also inspires the reader - me! - to reminiscing about the past, about society, about relationships, about endings...
You are so multitalented that it's embarassing. Seriously.
And?
Shame on your family. Shame on them.
Love,
Elizabeth
//VP of the MAS
P.S. Look, can we get the sniffer dogs out after Luuka? Or at least a part-time psychic?
Posted by: Elizabeth at September 3, 2004 05:22 AMI recently read an article about famous dump stories among Hollywood stars. The one that stood out the most for me was some guy (forget who... big name actor) who sent a fax to his g/f announcing their breakup. Classy!
Posted by: Terry at September 3, 2004 03:33 AM... I got a Dear John while I was in the final week of USMC bootcamp.. Saddam had just invaded Kuwait in 1990, and she wrote me to tell me it was over... she couldn't handle the pressure of me being in the Corps during War... beyatch.. still, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.. in the long run... at the time, though, my DI passed around her photo to my platoon mates and told them... "if you ever see this woman, kill her"... that made me feel better at the time...
Posted by: Eric at September 3, 2004 12:25 AMGetting dumped by email 7 days before your thirtieth birthday really sucks, especially when you find out later that your sister had planned to have the now ex flown over for a surprise party. It meant that she knew I was dumped before I did.
Then again she announced her engagement at my 21st b'day party, and had her daughter on my brother's 21st so she's stolen thunder before.
Posted by: sasoozie at September 2, 2004 08:55 PMI got dumped by a guy who was mad that I was NOT jealous that he met his old girlfriend for a drink. Walked into the bar after having a shitty day to see them together. Just sat down not even thinking twice about the situation. After he told me he really just wanted to scale our relationship back to be just fuck buddies, I punched him in the nose and never looked back. But I was not in a relationship for 7 years after that.
Been dumped only once, by the ex while we were still engaged. He came home one night smelling like perfume when I put my arms around him for a "welcome home" hug and kiss. I was young and stupid and bought his stuttered explanation that the woman who worked next to him wore strong perfume and it must've wafted onto him via magical office air.
A week later he tearfully confessed he was schtuping her and dumped me.
I'd been dumped! I was devastated. I even attempted to slash my wrists. Luckily, I did a poor job of it! LOL!
But I've dumped everyone else since. Including *my ex* (HA!) Dumped my poor Dan twice. Once via email, once in person. Not because I didn't love Dan any more, but because I got cold feet in leaving my ex and breaking up the family, hurting the kids, etc.
Dan married me despite my cowardice...*grins* Thank god..
I hated having it done to me and I'm terrible at doing it. I don't enjoying hurting people. I don't think anyone does. I think most people try to avoid it or minimize it. I know I do.
It's just hard. For everybody.
Posted by: Amber at September 2, 2004 06:02 PMI've got my fair share of dumper and dumpee stories. The ones that always sting the most are the dumpee stories in my little world. The worst was a phone call to my dad on New Years Eve when I was 16 I think begging him to send some child support money so we could have some sort of late christmas. During that call I was so upset that I hung up on him - he called back and told me that if I ever hung up on him again he would never talk to me again ... so I hung up again. We didn't speak until I sent him a card telling him I was pregnant - I was 23 at the time. My dad and I have a very odd relationship. He's there when I really need him the most but he's very distant when it comes to just being there all of the time.
I love reading your blog, Helen. I came here via "Layne" and have been reading ever since. I only wish I had some miracle words of wisdom when it comes to family. Unfortunately my family is extremely fucked up as well. I find that the only way I can really deal with my own mother these days is by IM since she actually seems like a partially sane woman through a monitor. With my family spread all over the US we do understand that you can be there for one another and not actually be there physically.
Posted by: Michele at September 2, 2004 05:54 PMI KNEW it was King Lear!
Posted by: Tif at September 2, 2004 04:45 PMHmm. Break up stories? So many... I am a big fan of letters, because I'm not good at confrontation, and people can't interrupt you when you've written it all down. But I don't take the easiest way out. I give them the letter while I am there. In front of them to react to or get angry with. My worst break up was with that of My Man (obviously it didn't last forever). I was ill, and he left the bathroom saying "Kiss me. I don't care that you have pukey breath because I love you." He brought me some tea and said "We're done." Nice.
As for King Lear. Good lord that's a long play. I much prefer Antigone (yes, I know it's not by Shakespear), which is full of family insanity in a much shorter version.
Posted by: amy t. at September 2, 2004 03:40 PMI had an odd mutual dumpage experience once. We were both in the Navy Reserves and she got activated for Operating Technician school in Virginia. We went from hours of talking each day to a bit each weekend. A few months later I was activated for the same schooling in Oakland. We talked for the first couple weekends and then just didn't for a month. Then we both sent letters at the same time asking what was wrong and why the other hadn't called. We talked after that and agreed that we really didn't have a relationship without the support of bedroom antics.
Posted by: Jim at September 2, 2004 03:36 PMI have some cool dump stories - Hopefully the inspiration lasts long enough to get something on paper...
In a sorta' related way - I had an f-buddy a while back who got a little too attached. One evening at an awesome outdoor concert while lying in the grass and enjoying the chemical effects of alcohol and other organic compounds she snuggled up behind me and whispered; "I want you to put a baby in me."
Can you say BuzzKill? I dumped her (repeatedly) the next week.
oh yes, i think everyone does have one of those stories. I've got one about being dumped but it's so convuluted and incoherent even to me when I try to write it out or explain it.
Short version: fell in love with a professor, found out said prof also liked me, had torrid email and phone relationship, left for peace corps and basically never heard from said prof again. Ouch...
Posted by: martha at September 2, 2004 02:07 PMBeing dumped before my engagement ceremony (In India an engagement is a huge thing) with all my relatives and my parents' friends at age 23 was the toughest one - no reason given save that my soon-to-be-fiance' was not ready for it. After that most of the dumping has been done by me.
Posted by: plumpernickel at September 2, 2004 02:02 PMbtw--Lear is also my favorite! You're the only other person I've met (or "met") who agrees. Hurray for us!
Posted by: angel at September 2, 2004 01:07 PMI've never been dumped, always been the dump-er. I've been rejected a few times though when asking people out.
Helen said
'he said he told his department one evening during a "sharing" session, and since he didn't want to share anything of himself, he shared my stories.
*Beep, beep, beep* went the sound of the dump truck backing up as I told him "Baby, we are so over."'
Oh yes. I've dumped someone for something very similar before.
Posted by: angel at September 2, 2004 01:06 PMAs always in times of trouble, you need to turn to the fount of all knowledge. The best dumping line ever:
"Welcome to dumpsville, Population: You.
PS: I am gay."
- Homer J. Simpson.
Posted by: Simon at September 2, 2004 11:37 AMI've never been the dump-er, always the dump-ee. Worst would be Linda, simply because after an 18-month relationship, she said "It's me" and gave no explanation. Ever.
Although a close second would be Sheri, who broke up with me because I was too clingy (and I was--first serious relationship in college), only to date and marry a man far more clingy than I ever was.
I think I'm all about the reasons for things.
Posted by: Z. Hendirez at September 2, 2004 11:12 AMKing Lear did not occur to me but makes perfect sense.
I'm glad that there was much making up with Mr. Y. The silence yesterday was a cause for some small concern, I have to admit so I'm glad it's all good.
I have no dump stories, I'm afraid. Neither the dumper nor the dumpee, really. My wife and I have been together since we were 17.
Posted by: RP at September 2, 2004 11:08 AM