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Spare Time on My Hands

I'm sitting at the train station, on an empty platform. The air outside smells like Autumn-a heavy organic mix, chilly underscoring wind, with a hint of coal or anthracite topping off the scent, likely from a neighbourhood nearby. I have missed my train and have to wait 24 minutes for the next one, but seeing as the reason I have missed it is because I was bent backwards over the bed frame being drilled like a rookie cadet by Mr. Y, I simply don't mind at all.

In fact, I'm kinda' glad. I'm in a good mood. Nothing says 'Have a good day!'� like morning sex.

Unless it's accompanied by evening sex, that is.
Which it was.

Mr. Y leaves this evening for Sweden for 3 days, and I have to be honest and needy and say that I will miss him terribly. I hope to hear from him often-he is going to pack up his belongings, and I myself know how distressing that can be, how hard it is to pick through a life. It won't be the longest he and I have been apart-after all, we've been apart for years before-but it will be the longest we're apart since moving to our house in Whitney Houston. Maybe that's not so significant, it just feels like a type of new step.

At the same time, sometimes it can be nice to have space in the togetherness. When I was away last weekend, Mr. Y missed me terribly and I know it gave him something to look forward to-not only was the house all his, but once the novelty of that wore off, he had someone to look forward to holding again. I think this is likely the case with everyone-at first it's something new and different to be home alone, but that's followed sharply on the heels of 'Man I miss them terribly!'�

Personally, I am both looking forward to and not looking forward to being alone. I used to do it a lot-X Partner Unit used to travel a great deal and I would have the house to myself. Being alone does not frighten or intimidate me (albeit, this is the short term being alone, not the I'm-going-to-die-alone-in-50-years-covered-in-20-cats alone.) I don't mind occupying my own space, I think I am pretty good at it (although historically there have been a few times when I have started venturing down the dark side while alone, but I honestly think I am ok now). I don't get scared, I don't get worried. I may be a little nervous handling the middle of the night ghosts by myself, but that's easily solved by running and flinging myself into the bed, burying myself under the covers until I am sure they've shrugged their shoulders, unable to find me (since ghosts don't think to look under the covers) and walked away.

I debated asking Karl to the movies or something like that, but the truth is, I think I would rather just be alone. I have some things planned-a few visits to the gym. Certain meals will be prepared that I know he doesn't like-Mexican breakfast burritos for one (mmmmmm'�.eggs, potatoes, salsa, cheese and spices all wrapped in a tortilla'�.mmmmmm). Macaroni and cheese (from a box! We usually make it form scratch, but baby I am going downmarket now!) Maybe a pizza. I will sleep in the middle of the bed, hogging all of the covers and making a burrito of myself with the duvet. I will be watching a lot of channel E4, which has such American fare as West Wing, Angel, Friends, and Sex and the City. I may also be renting some DVDs of chick flicks that I know don't interest him (*cough*Cold Mountain*cough*). I'll be running around in my pajamas, using a face mask, drinking wine, dancing on the table and shaking my thang if the song hits me (ok, I usually do those things anyway). And I will try to spend some time writing, since I think I need to get on with it.

At the same time, I know that these activities, while initially interesting, will bore me quickly. There are only so many old episodes of Buffy that one can watch before her pug nose just gets on your nerves. The gym is less fun if I can't bitch about it to someone else. I say I will sleep in the middle of the bed, but the truth is I will most likely wander over to my side in the middle of the night, every night. To some extent, the activities I have planned are 'shoring up the walls'� type of activities, since you know what?

I am really, really going to miss him.

So if anyone needs me, I will be wearing a face mask, drinking wine, and watching crap tv. I will be making my favourite meals and possibly attending a yoga class. I will be having long bubble baths with enough foam to fill a concrete mixer and listening to Enya while I do it.

I will also be longing for my boy. I will be waiting for him to return on Saturday, when I will hug him and make him one of my specialty meals for dinner. I will be hoping he is feeling ok and doing ok and if he's not I will be there to comfort and listen if needed. I will be looking forward to having his warm body next to mine in the bed, and when we wake on Sunday we can have our usual routines of breakfast and the Sunday paper.

And I will definitely be hoping he's up for a round of 'baby I missed you'� sex.

I know I will be.

-H.