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Have You Celebrated Today?

Did you know that Tuesday was National Pancake Day?

Seriously.

It was.

And I didn't touch the damn things.

Earlier this month we had Groundhog Day. Tomorrow is National Darwin Day, where we celebrate the birth of Charles Darwin. It's immediately followed by Valentine's Day, where the hopes and dreams of women the world over are crushed when they unwrap the Dustbuster their man gave them, as they try to feign happiness.

We know that February has Valentine's Day, Groundhog Day, and President's Day, but did you know that February also has National Battery Day (the 18th), International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day (the 23rd), and National Pistachio Day (the 26th?)

You didn't?

Come on, there's prep work to be done for dog biscuit day!

If you look at a calendar or read a version of Cosmo, it's everywhere. National Quit Smoking Day. National Eat Your Veggies Day. National Bring Your Child to Work Day, which is torment for those of us that are already aware that a child's interest in drawing on a whiteboard really only lasts about 5 minutes, and the other 7 hours and 55 minutes of the day is spent with a tight smile on your face while little Timmy runs up and down the hallway looking for anything
to do. It used to be even worse when little Timmy realized my office was filled with toys, and my Mr. Potato Head was traumatized every year (thank God for home working now).

The year is filled with little nuggets of insanity. I found a website that lists all the celebrations and even compared it with some other sites-it turns out it's authentic, which makes me weep for the future of humanity. I have been limiting myself to just the major holidays-New Year's, Valentine's Day, Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, but clearly I am missing out.

What a gay and jolly time is to be had, for example, on August 8-that's Sneak Some Zucchini on Your Neighbor's Porch Day. What kind of wacky zaniness have I been missing! I could be leaving a demonstrative courgette on the doorsteps of all of my unsuspecting neighors! May 4 is International Find Your Soul Mate Day, a day which I guess most couples will have to spend in misery, hoping to God their loved one doesn't bump into the soul mate when they pop out to the shop to buy a pint of milk. And October 4 is Ten-Four Day-what giggly humor I will have ending all of my conversations with 10-4! Think of the applications! "I'll send that email, 10-4." Or "I'll just call the hospital, see if we can't get that fingertip sewn back on, 10-4." And "Oh God, I'm going to come, 10-4!"

But these are just the day celebrations. Don't start sitting on your laurels yet-the National Month celebrations are coming, too. December is National Tie Month, which really explains the standby male Christmas gift of neckwear. March is National Frozen Food Month, so time to buy your Sara Lee and your Birds' Eye. I personally am looking to September, as it's Fall Hat Month. I am always on the lookout for decent headgear.

I bet you didn't know today has not only one celebration, but three (better buy some Red Bull). Today is Be Electrific Day (hopefully a limited number of people celebrate this one), National Shut-In Visitation Day (provided they'll open the door to let you in), and Satisfied Staying Single Day (which is a patronizing suggestion, in my view, as it implies that single people are regularly miserable). This week is also Get Paid to Shop Week and Just Say No to Powerpoint Week (now there's two celebrations I can get behind).

I hate all of this. It's so fucking confusing. What happens if I want to celebrate National Fig Week now, as opposed to the first week of November? And why is National Soft Pretzel Month limited to April, surely that's something we can celebrate the whole year round?

We don't celebrate any of these, but now that I know there's a whole list of them, I think I will check in on them from time to time, if only to explain why I have a zucchini on my front doorstep.

Today will be spent working from home with my nice Angus also working from home. Then we're off for a night in London, as he has his Valentine's Day gift from me-I bought him tickets to see Queen's "We Will Rock You" show, then promises of dancing, too much food, too much alcohol and too much sex in the nice hotel room I booked for us, all of which I will do wearing girl clothes that reveal a lot of skin. We will follow this up in the morning by a McDonald's Egg McMuffin and a day around London looking at some reclamation shops before heading down to Brighton.

For me, today is National Love Your Boyfriend Up Day, a Day I can celebrate.

And I will be staying home with my back to the wall if we ever get a National Take One Up the Ass Day.

I'm just saying.

-H.

PS-Due to a trigger happy Munuvian, it appears you cannot use the word "sex" in the comments. I am severely pissed off (even more so than when the word "socialist" got banned) and would like whichever Munuvian who banned this word to please un-ban it.

UPDATE: Fixed. Jim saved the day.

UPDATE: To Sara at IP address 162.83.94.6: I've banned you. Go vomit unhappiness on someone else's site. Move along now. You're not welcome on my site anymore. And just a hint: when someone closes comments, it means: don't comment. It's just a bit of blog etiquette.