Bet the title got your attention, eh?
I am back. I am still fucked-up worried about losing my job, and find myself taking on more responsibilities at work as I go in a bid to prove how essential I am, but all I can do is hang out and wait. And go crazy. But seeing as going crazy was inevitable anyway, I might as well go with the flow.
Seeing as how I have needed some things to occupy my gray matter, I have put together an Excel spreadsheet. This was of course done instead of working on my novel, but fuck it. I can't focus right now. I tend to over-analyze situations, and this spreadsheet was yet another example of how I review, to the most minute detail, personal parts of my life.
My Excel spreadsheet is a list of the partners that I have had throughout my sex-going adult life. It includes lots of information, such as:
- Quality
- Nationality
- Sex (um...Layne is not the only one to have played for both teams).
And a few other details. It is quite an interesting undertaking, and I am pleased with the results. I realize it may make me sound like a ho, but I honestly have not had as many partners as establishing a spreadsheet may imply. What I have found is:
- Most of my early partners were very, very bad.
- To quote "Four Weddings and a Funeral"-'Less partners than Madonna, more than Princess Di.' (may she rest in peace).
- The worst lovers to emerge from the results were of the following nationality: Italian, and Finnish. This does not mean that all Italians and Finns are bad lovers. Just the ones I had. Of course.
- The best lovers, surprisingly, were English. I say surprisingly since the English seem to have a reputation of going for a bump, a tickle and a squirt. Or else they go for the wrong...er...entrance. But actually, I have had three partners who were English. Absolutely bed-thumpingly, screaming, gasping, orgasmingly perfect. One in particular shines as my best sex ever.
- The road to orgasm was a long, hard, road fraught with pitfalls and perils. Re: the Italian and the Finnish guy.
- I have been...shall we say...liberal with my sexual experiences (not in terms of number, but in terms of activity). This is amusing to me, since (in general) all of my previous partners fall on the conservative side of the sexual post. They simply have not known about most of my adventures.
- Women can be quite brazen and exciting in bed. Provided this is not their first time. That takes some work.
- It's all about using your imagination and fantasizing, baby.
I am still tempted to set up a "fantasy a day" service, whereby you can receive a text message or an email daily about an exciting fantasy to attempt self-relations to. However, this may backfire horribly, so I will wait on the idea.
Just wanted to give you something to wake up to...
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at September 4, 2003 10:37 AM | TrackBack