Now, we do not often play the game of "my country is better than yours" in our household. Mostly, because we have to live together and bridge the gap over the Atlantic, so there really is no point in having a pissing contest over whose homeland is better. I would be lying if I tell you that I have not had temper tantrums because something has not gone my way (I HATE it when that happens) and the words: "I hate Sweden!" may have been emitted. Which is ok, since the words: "English is such a stupid, fucked-up language!" have been uttered by him.
Which he apologizes for later, since what-a billion people speak English? You know how many speak Swedish? 9 million. That's it. I have been busting my ass to get my mouth around those vowels for 9 million others.
I digress.
Anyway, I am usually your typical nightmare in the morning, as I wake up-get this-generally in a supremely good mood (now, when I wake up in a bad mood, it's like napalm going off in the Stockholm suburbs. Not pretty.) But this morning, despite waking up in a good mood, I got something stuck in my craw and couldn't let it go.
The attractiveness of the Swedish figureheads-politicians, news anchors, etc. Anna Lindh (whom I admired) was the most attractive of the politicians (except for the Green party, aka Tree Huggers, who have a cute rep as well. But I suspect she is into hairy armpits, untrimmed minge, and the likes. So if crunchy is your slant, she's the one for you.)
It's whipping me.
I come from a land where anyone in the public eye has an image consultant. They don't let ugly people read the news, since ugly people are not what we want to see over our morning coffee. We don't need to be reminded of the horribleness of life by someone that is the vey representative of it. We want to hear our gaspingly horrible current events by a hot person, someone that looks smart, and mostly by someone we would want to fuck.
So this morning, as the Ugliest Anchor of our times came on (seriously. She is bad. She has bright orange hair that explodes from her hair in a Brillo pad of ecstasy. I tried to find a pic of her on the web and failed and, anyway, I don't think I can do that to you.) She was accompanied by a weather man wearing a MAROON VELVETEEN LEISURE SUIT AND A PINK TIE!
Do you need me to illustrate what is wrong with this?
At least one of the news shows has a really hot Norwegian weather chick. Partner Unit likes her, and I would have sex with her, too.
As Scary Woman reads the news, I turn to Partner Unit, outraged.
Me: "How can they let people like that read the news? I mean, look at her! She's not even wearing a business suit! She's wearing a fucking sweater! How can I respect the word of someone that is keeping me up to date if she can't even be bothered to put on a bit of lipstick and brush her goddamn hair?"
Him, looking seriously at me: "Is there any way to turn the volume down on you?"
Me: "I'm serious! Why must I start my day looking at someone that can't even read the news in an interesting way?"
Him (trying to use the remote control on me to mute me, then giving up): "Interesting way? You mean like using hand puppets? That's the only way you will understand the news?"
Me: "Bite me. You know what I mean. Swedes have masses of attractive people, why can't you have attractive anchors try to break the news gently to me. Their dimples disarm me while I hear the latest horrors of the world. Their flashing white teeth distracting me from the latest natural disaster. Why can't you have attractive anchors here in Sweden, like we do in the U.S.?"
Him: "Because, honey. We are not that shallow here."
Fuck. There's no comeback to that.
-H.
PS-this guy is for real and causing a real stir in England. A hero for the masses, he is my kind of guy.
Posted by Everydaystranger at October 7, 2003 08:26 AM | TrackBackI much prefer the beautiful people to give me the bad news of the day. Thanks for all your lovely comments. I'm proud to be a very important citizen of Oz! :)
Posted by: Sue at October 8, 2003 08:32 AMhe's still around. I saw him on TV recently.
Posted by: pylorns at October 7, 2003 09:21 PMI remember Red Duke as well, and he was freaky looking. It’s weird what you remember about your childhood. Soon I will post an article on that subject on my web site.
H
as always a excellent post.
I remember growing up there was a guy in Texas named Dr. Red Duke (no relation to David Duke) who would report on health issues. He had this red, Snidely Whiplash handlebar mustache, and looked like a complete freak. Every time he was done with his health report, the news anchors would be trying so hard not to laugh at him, but they never really succeeded.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 7, 2003 06:03 PMI prefer shallow.
Posted by: LeeAnn at October 7, 2003 05:05 PMNothing good on the news anymore. Jim I suggest www.nakednews.com
Posted by: drew at October 7, 2003 05:05 PMI watch nothing but naked newscasters..which creates a problem since the only stations that provide this level of disclosure are Russian. But who needs to understand the words, they show a lot of pictures, and I'm usually day-dreaming anyway! :)
Posted by: jim at October 7, 2003 04:23 PMf'em, I'm shallow I like watching some tail read the news.
Posted by: pylorns at October 7, 2003 04:08 PMDamned soul-searchers.
Posted by: Jamie at October 7, 2003 01:54 PMI loved that! But, its true. Being fat, ugly or unhip looking is not a crime in this part of the world. I should know, I'm all of the above!
Posted by: Melodrama at October 7, 2003 10:36 AM