December 06, 2003

Just Thinking

I'm sitting in front of the computer, which is situated in front of a window on the top floor of my house. Outside it is snowing and -2 degrees. The Heather that I planted in the windowbox outside the window is frozen stiff, interlaced with white puffy snowflakes that are clinging determinedly to the branches.

At least I have taken a shower, although I promptly put my same pajamas on. And yesterday I did eat, driven as I was by the evil PMS fairy that demanded all things salty head my way. Then I consumed almost a whole bottle of red wine, started watching "Say Anything", and went up to bed, where I masturbated in bed under the amber glow of a fire, and allowed myself in my orgasmed state to be lulled off to shifty Kafka-dream filled sleep, which found me waking up early this morning in a pool of sweat. So I played with myself again to ease my mind, but found it didn't really work.

And now I sit here, and am just thinking.

My life is more up in the air now than ever before. I can honestly say that this year has been the most horrible, the most liberating, filled with self-discovery and yet filled with despair. I never want another year like this again, and yet hope that if I ever get stuck in a rut in life I do have another one.

I have had much advice here, and almost all of it good. These are the factors that I am trying to reconstruct my life around now:

- I have been unemployed for going on three weeks.
- I get full pay until May 9.
- I have a permanent Swedish work permit, and am up for Swedish citizenship in February or March.
- I have a state-approved and funded private psychotherapist, who for the first time in my life lets me feel that someone can fix me.
- There are no jobs in Sweden. And about 30,000 ex-telecom people looking for one.
- I have had a few hits on possible jobs in the UK, but it means I have to move away from my home, Partner Unit, and my therapist. Not to mention I have to get them to be flexible about the work permit until my Swedish citizenship comes through.
- I love my Partner Unit, but I am not in love with him. There is a distinction. And I don't want children with him, although I very much want children. I do feel terrible for hurting him, and I don't want to hurt him anymore, but truth time is coming. I know it. And I will be ready for it when it is here.
- I'm in love with Mr. Y but his situation is muddied, as is his mind about whether or not he truly wants me. His Partner Unit is breaking it off but he is making it clear that it is her choice, not his. And he's thinking of moving back to Sweden just as it looks like I may be moving to England, where he lives. This hurts like mad, and I wish he could just say: I choose you, Helen. I want you. Let's make a go of life, ok?

And so I think of these things and do only what I can. Apply for more jobs. Drink coffee. Watch the snowflakes drift down. Take silent steps in my head to test how it feels up there. Avoid my heart, since I know how badly it feels, seeing as it is curled up in a fetal position just beneath my breastbone, begging to be left alone.

I'm just thinking. For the first time in my life, I'm not rushing into anything.
I'm just thinking.


Posted by Everydaystranger at December 6, 2003 09:22 AM | TrackBack

I hope your state-approved and funded psychotherapist is convincing you that YOU can fix you.

Based on everything I've read -- and I'm really NOT trying to come off as an armchair psychologist -- I had a very similar year to yours last year. A little help from friends (even those that come in prescription bottles) is one thing, but you are the strongest person you know. You know you better than anyone else, you know your own motivations and reasons for doing A) when the rest of the world might be doing B). You have had every reason to go to bed and pull the covers over your head and you didn't give up. (Yes, I know about your extreme cry for help.) You don't have to do it all alone, sweetie but one thing I want you to know is that above all else -- you are strong and witty, beautiful and capable. All by your widdle self.

And once you have faith in yourself there will be no stopping you.

Sorry. I had to say all that, didn't I? Sheesh.

Hang tough, babe. I'm in your corner 100%.

Posted by: margi at December 8, 2003 09:55 AM

Zen-I know, the therapy is what's hardest for me to try to walk away from. I feel like I will condemn myself if I do so to a lifetime of fucked-up thoughts.

Eric-thanks, hon. It's nice to know I have the support.

Sedalina-I'm always up for a laugh. It's like cheap therapy, and much more fun that therapy, too.

Posted by: Helen at December 8, 2003 09:27 AM

I feel so badly for you, going through all of this on the eve of the holidays. Sometimes the loneliest time of year, when the phone sits there like condemnation and every snowflake is a shard of your broken heart. You just have to do the right thing for yourself, whatever that might be. But not rushing into anything is a good start.

You have so much to be thankful for, as you realize. The therapy is a wonderful benefit, ditto for getting paid until May. Swedish citizenship would be cool, especically if you plan on staying in the EU. And you're in touch with Mr. Y. Maybe that door is opening again, or closing, or half-ajar. At least you know it's there.

Those are all the words I have tonight. They probably seem trite to you, because god knows they seem trite to me. I always come off like such a dork, even when I just talk from the heart. But go ahead and laugh at me and my dorkiness. I don't mind. Sometimes a laugh is the most precious thing you can give someone.

Posted by: Sedalina at December 8, 2003 02:23 AM

Helen....remember all your dreams of Knights in shining like them...truthful, brave, and'll be just fine, darlin''ll be juuuust fine...

Posted by: Eric at December 8, 2003 02:12 AM

Just my humble opinion but you should fix yourself before you can move on with your personal or professional life.
[...funded private psychotherapist, who for the first time in my life lets me feel that someone can fix me.] This is nothing to sneeze at. You are lucky to have this. Here in the US people who are unemployed (like me) don't have this service no matter how much they may need it.
Just the fact that you can write about yourself and share some painful episodes leads me to believe you are fixable.
Next year.......Everyday Stranger for "Best Overall Blog!"
BTW..any spelling/grammatical errors are do to only being halfway through my first Starbuck's Peppermint Latte.

Posted by: zenwanderer at December 7, 2003 09:59 PM

Duh. Jean is majorly dyslexic. I read this: "but I am back in front of the study window, drinking coffee, and thinking..." but my brain said "thinking of coffee and drinking." Sheesh.

Posted by: jean at December 7, 2003 07:55 PM

Courtney I'd thank you for the link if it wasn't for the fact I have to go take a cold shower now ;)

Posted by: Cheekysquirrel at December 7, 2003 11:19 AM

Oh, and when I masturbate, I'm not talking about round after round immediately. I have to take a break, since I get too sensitive. But with a guy, I can go again and again and again...

Yup. Sometimes it is great to be of the female persuasion.

At least the snow has stopped falling here, but I am back in front of the study window, drinking coffee, and thinking...

Posted by: Helen at December 7, 2003 09:40 AM

Pylorns has a point-the more I think about it, the worse it all gets.

Posted by: Helen at December 7, 2003 08:50 AM

S., I'm the opposite. When I'm alone, one gigantic O is enough. But with a partner, I average 3-4 per session.

It's so good to be female sometimes.

Posted by: Kaetchen at December 7, 2003 07:29 AM

Cheekysquirrel - see:

Posted by: Courtney at December 7, 2003 05:36 AM

I know I'm not very up-to-date with fashion but why in your pic are you wearing a chair?

Posted by: Cheekysquirrel at December 7, 2003 01:25 AM

Thinking is good; not rushing is good. Thinking as in mulling over things is what is good, though; not obsessing, or "what-if"-ing things to death. But it does seem that you're doing the former -- you don'y sound as despairing and frantic today.

I'm all for the plan of giving yourself permission to take a month or two off to get your Self together. Seems to me you'd be much likelier to make better/healthier choices all around when you've achieved some peace and inner tranquility.

Since you're still receiving pay, why not use the not-working time to take some stress management courses? Maybe some meditation too. And find a gym soon -- your body needs that physical outlet!

OK, that's it for today's 2!

Posted by: jean at December 6, 2003 11:59 PM

Hell, I'd just take the unemployement, veg a bit, and work on my mental health. Why not take a winter to recuperate?

Posted by: Courtney at December 6, 2003 10:50 PM

You are in a difficult phase for sure, but everything will be ok Helen...believe it

Posted by: nisi at December 6, 2003 10:24 PM

Okay, so now with all this masturbatory talk, I'm curious. Do you buzz only one off each time? Because I mean, 5 in a day is easy that way. Me, I'm a selfish fuck. I don't stop till I have at least 5 per session. (The first one takes a while but then it's like aftershocks on the San Andreas, so the remainders are easy, and sometimes better!) So, would you be so kind as to clarify?

Oh--ps. For when we girl-pile with two Ks, an H, and an S, I also don't let my girls have just one. I'm my own special version of Lays. ba dum bum.

Posted by: S. at December 6, 2003 10:09 PM

These are problems that may seem as cold to the soul as the winter chill outside your window now. But will slowly melt away and become less immovable the more selfish you allow youre self to become.

Posted by: paul at December 6, 2003 06:56 PM

Sometimes when you are allowed to sit and think and analyze your situation for too long, it gets too muddied, it gets complicated.

Posted by: pylorns at December 6, 2003 06:30 PM

definitely take the time to think and rest and think.

but sometimes having nothing to do for long periods can be daunting. perhaps make your writing your pseudo job while you search for another job.

and yes, so many people are thinking of you. stay warm. ((hugs)))

Posted by: kat at December 6, 2003 06:12 PM

If you want to live/work in the EU, Swedish citizenship will really help as you won't need a work permit anywhere else.

I guess it depends on how long you're prepared to stay in Sweden if you can't immediately find work there. Don't just rush into the first job that comes your way simply because any job is better than no job though. Being paid up until May, you've hopefully got time to pick and choose the best opportunity for you.

Posted by: Gareth at December 6, 2003 03:43 PM

Hi Helen,

What are you thinking? You got good props for thinking; snowflakes, fire, computer and coffee. One thing great about your blog besides it's honesty is that it is a partially written story which no one knows what the next paragraph will say or reveal. Real-time suspense! Don't even know the future characters in it.

Posted by: Roger at December 6, 2003 02:58 PM

I like Jamie's blog title.

Posted by: ilyka at December 6, 2003 02:04 PM

Exactly what Ilyka said.

We're all thinking of you. xx

Posted by: Jamie at December 6, 2003 12:48 PM

And lots and lots of us are thinking of you.

I didn't know you were seriously pursuing Swedish citizenship, though I guess it makes sense given the Partner Unit thing.

But . . . no jobs. Ugh.

Posted by: ilyka at December 6, 2003 11:55 AM
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