December 08, 2003

I’d Like My Shake To Go, Please

Spit or swallow.

The topic that is the subject of many jokes.

“What’s the difference between like or love?” A: “Spit or swallow.”

“What’s the ideal woman?” A: “One that’s three feet tall and swallows with a flat head to rest your beer on.”

And so on.

Personally, I’ve never seen the big deal with the issue. I know that women feel very strongly one way or another about this topic, as evidenced by a drunken chick night I had once in which all the lady folk got pissed and we started talking about our oral techniques. The table was pretty clear on their preferences:

2 women wanted warning before he met the finish line, so they could back up and let the guy go off like an unchecked fire hose.

2 women would let him race his pony to the finish line, only to eject him discreetly in a cup at that very second when he is done (aka the second the man is so sensitive that removing the pony from the warm little stable is likely to cleave him in half).

1 woman wouldn’t even do it, full stop. Her mouth was her sacred zone, and in return she signed off rights to having him do so muff diving. (personal note: what an idiot. Never, never sign off that right!)

And myself and another woman were swallowers. And neither of us saw the big deal with it.

I don’t perform my patented oral technique on every guy, and I only bring the ones I really care about to conclusion, for the others it’s just a quick jiffy lube job. I may not have a problem with swallowing, but I see the act of completion as a rather personal act. So before you get the impression that I am lining up and sucking off a line of men, mouth opened not unlike a carp, then think again. I can count the number of men I have done this to, and the number is not overwhelming.

But let there be some ground rules. I have some, which I have learned out of experience:

- Don’t go down on him if he won’t go down on you. In fact, if he won’t muff dive, ladies, what the hell are you still doing with him?
- If he makes you brush your teeth directly after or won’t kiss you, then lose him. Chances are he expects a kiss after he’s been flossing his teeth on you, if it’s ok for him, it’s ok for you.
- No teeth, unless he asks for it. Some guys love it, some guys have to be pried off the ceiling.
- If it doesn’t taste good, don’t do it again. Guys seem to taste a bit different from guy to guy. Hopefully, you have a tasty one.
- He should try it, just once. You know, the old absorb and the pour. This is tricky one, and not something that I have ever done, actually. But I can see the attraction, and the erotic quality of it. I think the ratio of men willing to give this one a go is minor.

Most women aren’t desperate to do this. We’re not sitting around thinking “Hmmm…my gosh how I would like a protein shake right now. Maybe I can get him to drop trou to satisfy my craving.” Just like I’m sure you guys don’t really sit around thinking “Hmmm…I would really like a tuna sandwich right now, which I could smear all over my chin after nearly suffocating myself with it.”

We do it because you guys’ like it. Because it firmly puts us in control, and makes you beholden to us. It is at that moment, once we have swallowed, that we could likely get you to sign us blank checks. To agree to let us re-do the living room. To agree that you could never ever ever find another lover ever as good as us. And we just love to look up while administering said favor and see the expression of pure worship on your face. I mean, you can’t do it yourself. So you’re awed that we can.

You can try to make it fun, too. If you don’t feel like swallowing, have a contest to see how far he can shoot (and that can be impressive, really!). I once asked a guy to see if he could finish up on my salad, but he replied that he didn’t really find lettuce that appealing, so if it’s ok he would just settle for my mouth, thanks.

Good answer.

I still don’t see the big deal with it, but then again I haven’t done it with every partner. What I can say is this-if it makes him weak in the knees, beholden to you, and willing to hold you up as a sex goddess, then why not do it?


PS-some updates on my personal life tomorrow.

PPS-read my favorite Don's interview here.

Posted by Everydaystranger at December 8, 2003 09:21 AM | TrackBack

I think if my wife sucked and swallowed, I would pass out from excitement.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at December 12, 2003 09:40 PM

Am I the only one who has no preference here? Admiring a prodigious, arching spew of baby-batter is every bit as rewarding as having my man-chowder slurped down.

Posted by: gymrat at December 9, 2003 10:17 PM

*sigh* Ain't that the truth. Now if I could just get my wife to see that. 69 is fine, but she won't let even miniscule amount of come or pre-cum near her mouth. :-(

Posted by: Gudy at December 9, 2003 06:57 PM

Lovemaking begins with oral..first kissing then licking...mouth to mouth..the the body,slowly moving down.69 is my favourite position.Its comfortable and both parties can pleasure each other to their own conclusion.Swallowing for me is the ultimate gift to give my man...And YES can get whatever one wants afterwards...he considers me a goddess!

Posted by: butterflies at December 9, 2003 06:25 PM

More help for student divers:

If both legs twitch inwards together you probably did something that was not appreciated. One leg moving inward slowly is a very, very good sign.

Posted by: Jim at December 9, 2003 10:31 AM

you can go NEAR the ass... just not IN the ass. VERY important detail. Hell, if he's down there, I don't know that I'm really paying much attention to anything except his tongue! WOO HOO

Posted by: important at December 9, 2003 07:33 AM

For a second there, many men were lining up with strange reasoning to the bedside with promises of reduced breast cancer rates.

And it's a big no to go anywhere near my ass. Jim's right-make sure the woman is into it, otherwise you have some explaining to do!

Posted by: Helen at December 9, 2003 06:53 AM

I actually was stupid enough to believe that the article was a true so, now I shall forevermore keep my mouth shut....thank you for showing me the error of my ways......

Posted by: MiMo at December 9, 2003 04:30 AM

MiMo, that's a big fat FALSE on that article. It's bogus.

Posted by: S. at December 9, 2003 02:54 AM

God memo did that come from your head or did you spam it .well done fact over fiction

Posted by: paul at December 9, 2003 02:37 AM

Asparagus is a no no at dinner; apparently it can be tasted up to a week later
(Paul quickly picks up the spirit of the conjecture)

Posted by: paul at December 9, 2003 02:30 AM

This is a kinda long comment, but I was afraid the link might go I didn't see anyone else comment on it...

-- Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurance of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. A.J. Kramer of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurance of breast cancer in women."

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

"Only with regular occurance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Helena Shifteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

"This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

"There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages," he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers. Also key seems to be the protein and enzyme count in the semen, but researchers are again waiting for more test data.

The reasearch consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio and swallowed on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not or did not swallow. The group of women who had performed and swallowed had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

"The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio," Shafteer said. "It's a cause, not THE cause."

Posted by: MiMo at December 9, 2003 02:25 AM

Pretty much any diet with a large protein component is going to result in nasty spunk, obnoxious crap and stanky urine. If you're on the Atkin's diet your partner is not going to enjoy your juices, whether you're male or female. Pylorn's suggestion for pineapple juice is pretty good. Very high in carbohydrates, low in protein.

Kyle - "This guy!"

Cheekysquirrel - Give your tongue a break occasionally. That's what hands are for. One hand for the top and one for the bottom. Top hand will alternately spread the labia for tongue sessions and masturbate the clitoris and stroke the pubis when the tongue takes a break. Use the other hand to alternate pressure on the perineum (the taint area), make use of toys, insert fingers to masturbate the vagina, fondle the rectum (not all women like this, be careful) and slide up and down between the labia.

A killer move is to insert two fingers and "rub your thumb" (softly) to stimulate the vagina and perineum at the same time. Wild, wild results with that.

Experiment, be creative, listen and watch your partner to see what she likes. ASK her what she likes. It might be called "eating out" but in this case it's okay to play with your food.

PS - Whatever you use on the rectum is off limits for use elsewhere.

Posted by: Jim at December 9, 2003 02:18 AM

(H sorry for commants below)
i will read this tommorow and laught my balls off

Posted by: paul at December 9, 2003 02:09 AM

Were the fuck was this crap going too, maybe it made séance at the time of writing? boy oh boy
I mean why use 300 words when several will do
EG “I give great head but it’s always done with convection, not"!
As I’ve mentioned in other posts
Ignorance has saved many a man from going insane

Posted by: paul at December 9, 2003 02:03 AM

I had a girlfriend who wouldn't let me go down on her. Bit of a shame as I quite enjoy it (providing its not reeking of ladyflower or post-urination) but can't keep it going for long as my tongue ain't that long and it starts to ache at being poked out for too long.

Posted by: Cheekysquirrel at December 9, 2003 01:37 AM

"episeophage" {grin} Yeah.

As to chocolate vis-a-vis taste, only dark/bittersweet chocolate works -- no milk. Mmmmmmmmm

Posted by: jean at December 9, 2003 12:57 AM

I believe the technical term for someone with the inclination admired here, myself included, is episeophage.

Posted by: triticale at December 8, 2003 11:15 PM

I once dated a guy that LOVED going down on me. And he was spectacular. And after the first time I gave him head he told me that he'd never had a blow job before. He'd been dating a girl for 5 years before and she wouldn't do it. Go me. He worshiped me after that.

Oh, and red meat can make it taste funky, too.

Posted by: amy t at December 8, 2003 09:35 PM

Those ground rules are sound, except for the second to last: diet plays a big role in taste, as do a few other factors. So giving it a second try may be the thing to do...

And I'm with Jim & Co., I *love* eating pussy. But then, you read my blog, which means you probably knew this already.


"you can't do it yourself". Errrr, this depends on three factors: length, flexibility, and the will to succeed. 'nuff said. But yes, when you gals do it, it's still better.

(Have I weirded out everyone now? ;-)

Posted by: Gudy at December 8, 2003 09:32 PM

The gent makes such a difference. There's only been one that I refused to swallow with, but his product was so disgusting that it was just not an option. I attribute it to his living on hot dogs and cheap-ass relish. Otherwise, I'm happy to oblige. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

In my early sex days, I didn't much enjoy men going down. Thank all the gods, that's changed in every way. The *least* I can do for him after a couple of lickalicious orgasms is deliver the big sloppy kiss!

Posted by: Kaetchen at December 8, 2003 09:03 PM

Helen, its not your cookies, this problem is common, i posted a comment on don's site about the fix, its out on Movable types website.

Posted by: pylorns at December 8, 2003 07:44 PM

S.-I know, I can't figure out what to do about the cookies. Maybe my fucked-up old pc has screwed everything up, in which case give me a few weeks while I get a new laptop.

Posted by: Helen at December 8, 2003 07:10 PM

(Helen, your cookies don't work--at least for me. I have to enter my shit in each time.)

Re: spit/swallow--if I'm gonna take it all the way, I'm gonna take it all the way. It's not fair to switch up the method at the moment-of-truth. I don't want a guy fingering me to the point, and then switching up to licking when I'm just going over the edge. That screws up the orgasm. Same for head. So if I've determined that I'll finish him off, he gets the full treatment. I can count the lucky men I've done this with on one hand. Few deserve it.

Besides, swallowing is just one fewer load of laundry I have to do afterwards.

Posted by: S. at December 8, 2003 06:45 PM

shit, when i ready your description of a guy craving a tuna sandwich i laughed so hard it scared the dog at work! bwahahaa!

i'm with you though, i don't see the big deal about cum. i swallow it, i spit it, i spray it, whatever the mood calls for. and i would never, ever, ever date a guy who didn't muff dive.

i can remember when i was younger, being embarassed when a guy went down on me. so glad i got over that.

current bf loves it when i sit right down on his face....damnit...being horny at work, not cool!

Posted by: kat at December 8, 2003 06:25 PM

2 words. Pinapple Juice. Drink it. It works.

Posted by: pylorns at December 8, 2003 06:02 PM

Helen, it's funny that you'd want a piper. I've had one and actually, he was pretty damn stellar. Okay, mindblowingly awesome.

Posted by: emily at December 8, 2003 05:57 PM

Speaking of thumbs...Anybody not heard the Thumb/BJ Joke? What has two thumbs & loves BJ's?...

Posted by: Kyle at December 8, 2003 05:21 PM

Jiminy, Clancy, and Cheeky get a thumbs up for their willingness to kneel before the Beaver Altar.

And I've heard GARLIC helps a guy taste good...Just FYI.

Posted by: Helen at December 8, 2003 04:45 PM

I've got to go with Jim on this one. I love doing that to a woman, too. And, with all modesty, I've never had complaints. Of course, I use Sam Kinison's patented technique (may he rest in peace): "Lick the alphabet. You'll have her screaming, 'More capital T! More capital T!'"

I don't particularly like the taste. I don't particular like partial suffocation. I love the joy it brings to my wife.

Posted by: Jiminy at December 8, 2003 03:44 PM

Cheeky - try eating MORE chocolate. "Riesen" in particular... I had a girlfriend once comment on how great that was. :-)

From a guys perspective - I think just knowing that your woman doesn't have an issue with it is enough. She doesn't have to do it ALL the time, just occasionally. If she's too prudish, flat out refuses or even if she's just a cumdodger, then, no thanks...

Posted by: Clancy at December 8, 2003 02:41 PM

OK, I hope an impromptu meeting isn't called right now because walking to the other side of the building at this moment would be a very embarrassing experience...

Posted by: Rob at December 8, 2003 02:31 PM

re. taste

Apparently the taste can vary depending upon what the guy has been eating that day. Very spicy foods tend to turn the taste bitter.

If I've had a curry my g/f finds the sperm tastes disgusting, otherwise she is happy to swallow.

Unfortunately eating chocolate doesn't make it chocolate flavoured otherwise us men would be onto a great trick to get more BJs.

Posted by: Cheekysquirrel at December 8, 2003 02:17 PM

I had a 'Bad Experience'(dont ask!!) with blow jobs as a teenager which has meant that they are now a big deal to me.

I now have to really care about a man to do this. The one i am with now i really care for and i don't mind doing it at all.

abs x

Posted by: abs at December 8, 2003 01:39 PM

Between Jim's description and my envy over Margi having a bagpiper, I think I have to take care of myself. Again!

Posted by: Helen at December 8, 2003 11:33 AM

I dunno. I actually do find myself thinking of of gnoshing the fish taco on a fairly regular basis. I love muff diving. Absolutely love it. When I'm diving I feel like a maestro with a Strativarius.

There is absolutely no feeling quite like turning a gal into a stuttering, twitching mass with a rocking orgasm. Verbal discourse with the little man in the boat is an almost surefire way to achieve this lofty goal.

Posted by: Jim at December 8, 2003 11:03 AM

I, personally, never saw the problem with it. If I want a guy to do special favors for me, of course I'll return the favor,but it isn't one of my favorite pass times either. I find the more I care about someone, and the more willing he is to try to please me, the more eager I am to do it for him. Sometimes I spit, sometimes I swallow, depending on the situation, and my mood at the time. Taste does play a big part in it, too, on whether I go there or not. I do get kinda grossed out when they want to kiss me right after goin' south, but I don't make a big deal out of it, just hand him a towel first so he can at least wipe his face. LOL

Posted by: JaxVenus at December 8, 2003 10:34 AM

You know -- the ones I didn't want to stick with (ahem) were the ones that tasted like a mixture of Clorox and bleach water. (Reminds me of the Sex in the City episode "My boyfriend has funky spunk." I almost coughed up a lung. I digress.)

Fortunately, things are much different -- and the tasty part is just reason number 4,567 why I'd marry my piper all over again.

We MUST compare techniques sometime. Aheh.

Posted by: margi at December 8, 2003 09:48 AM
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