February 05, 2004

I'll Have What She's Having

I am still reading the Ladder stuff and plan to completely rip it apart sometime very soon, but in the meantime, there is a topic that I want to address, that I want to fling open the doors on:


Cause...you know...I never talk about those here.

I recently read an article that described orgasms as thus: "If the female orgasm is a Ferrari-termperamental, powerful, and in need of delicate handling, then the male orgasm is a tractor-less intense, dependable in adverse conditions, and so simple to control that any 14-year old farm boy can take it out for a spin."

Right on.

Here's the mechanical breakdown:

A man's orgasm is a pump. A series of muscular contractions at that perfect moment forces between 2cc and 5cc of happy juice out of the urethra. These muscular contractions occur at 0.7 seconds apart (actually, the same rate that women's orgasmic contractions occur). Men can fire semen up to three feet if they have abstained for a while (watch out! She's going to blow!) but the average is a rather respectable 10 inches. I have asked partners how they felt about their orgasms after they had them, and it ran anywhere from "Whew...I needed that." to "That was really, really great."

I like to think thats a judgment of just needing to put it away, versus my performance.

A female orgasm is a swelling of the vaginal tissue, as the organs become engorged with blood. Scientists say that orgasms produced by oral sex are usually more prolonged and intense (and to that I'd just like to say: Amen, my brother). A female orgasm usually occurs when the muscles tighten and constrict, and some theories are that these constrictions allow safer passage of semen, in order to aid reproduction. Women have what may appear to deeply puzzling bits-anthropologist Donald Symons in fact reported that the clitoris was a useless appendage, and the female orgasm was of no consequence as it is "an unneccessary anatomical and physioglogical phenomenon".

Proof that the sad little man never got a girl off, in other words.

Anthropolgist Helen Fisher disputes this-she says that an orgasm not only satiates a woman, promoting her to lay down (to help fertilization), but satisfactory coitus promotes a woman to seek further sexual intercourse with that partner, promoting conception. This is just a fancy way of saying: you satisfy us, we will come back for more.

I love Helen Fisher.

Women are also lucky in that we can have multiple orgasms (depending on the partner, or at the very least the battery life in your duracells), whereas men are more limited. However, a Rutgers study recently had a man manage 6 full ejaculatory orgasms in under 30 minutes, with no loss of erection.

Hmm...wonder if he was drinking Red Bull.

A number of sites, including the lovely Emily's, have discussed faking it recently. The amusing thing is, some women swear that they have never, ever faked it. Just as some men swear that they have never, ever interfered with themselves. I don't think I believe either group, to be honest-that's like telling me you read Playboy for the articles. Right. And I go shopping to listen to the piped-in elevator music.

I think almost every woman has faked it, and possibly a few men, too. I know I certainly have-in fact, up until Mr. Y, I had faked it with every single man I had ever been with. I really tried to have an orgasm, honestly I did, but some men find it their personal search for the Holy Grail to give you one-they just keep going until they get some kind of ego soothing. So what else is a chafed pony to do, but to fake it?

I used to get rather elaborate with my faking, too. With one partner I would scream. With another I would pretend to pass out (saved me from having to talk to him, too). And with the others I would say some kind of complementary things.

And they always bought it.

My first orgasm was with Kim, and I never looked back after that. I also learned, in the time I was with him, how to satisfy myself. And after thousands of hours of training later, I would say I am an expert.

Faking was something I did in the early days, I am happy to say that as I have grown older, I have told partners what I do and do not like in bed. And in return, I am more honest. I prefer to not fake an orgasm with partners, since it only means I am cheating myself out of a good time. As I get older, I am less bashful about saying: Look, it's just not going to happen. Thanks for the pony ride, but save your quarter.

And apparently tests show what some of us have known all along, from Fisher again: Women tend to climax when they are relaxed, when they are with men who are sexually attentive, and with longtime committed partners...Perhaps this orgasmic fickleness is a mechanism women unconsciously evolved to distinguish a caring, patient Mr. Right from a cavalier, restive Mr. Wrong.

Same goes for men. According to author Philip Hodson, masturbation in men produces a less intense orgasm and less intense ejaculation than in making love, especially in mature men. "The 44-piece orchestra is missing. There isn't the same physical and emotional arousal or tension building."

Proof that all we want in life is a good cuddle, a good orgasm, and to have both with someone we care about.



Posted by Everydaystranger at February 5, 2004 10:44 AM | TrackBack

I've heard the male orgasm described, fairly accurately in my opinion, as "pissing roman candles."

Posted by: Dave at May 12, 2004 05:06 PM

Fantastic information. Now I don't have to read the manual!

Posted by: Denny at May 12, 2004 03:51 AM

I think once you've given a woman a proper orgasm, you will forever know the difference between a fake one and a real one. The constriction, the wetness, the spasms in her low stomach, and her reaction of course.

Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at February 9, 2004 06:47 PM

Six times in 30 minutes?!
Damn. My personal record was five times in about two hours. I begged off a sixth attempt.
I subsequently married her BTW...

Posted by: Desert Cat at February 7, 2004 07:07 AM

"How many guys have been able to climax while not fully at attention?"

Well, I know of at least one...

As far as faking it, I never did, and I'm reasonably sure my wife hasn't either, but then, almost all of her orgasms are from manual/oral stimulation, which makes it harder to fake it convincingly, I'd think.

Besides, what would be the point in a long-term relationship?

Posted by: Gudy at February 6, 2004 04:40 PM

I've never faked it either. In fact when I first heard of faking it I was like, WHY?!? But that's because I've always orgasmed, starting with losing my virginity at 15.

I can understand the hookup politics of faking it, but I can't see myself ever going there. I'm not really the hookup type. In a relationship? No way. Like Laura says, you have an educational responsibility. Do it for yourself -- and every other girl he'll have after you.

Posted by: Sedalina at February 6, 2004 04:31 AM

I used to fake it...but then i too realized that if you fake it they think what they're doing is the right thing, and it's not. I stoped faking, made them start trying. This has led my current partner to try new things and multipules have become the norm. Which rules.

And that thing about the bath tap? It works. That and jacuzzi jets. And those shower heads you can take of the wall and have the massaging option. Excuse me, i'm going to go jump in the tub...

Posted by: Laura at February 6, 2004 01:54 AM

I don't know about exhibitionism, but I've always been a voyeur of sorts. Absolutely one of the biggest turn ons I experience is watching my wife's face while she has an orgasm. She has probably faked it, but the convulsing in her vagina pretty much lets me know it's for real.

Either that, or she's doing a really good job of squeezing. : )

Posted by: Tee at February 6, 2004 12:23 AM

I swear, you can write on just about ANY topic and make it entertaining. NOT that I don't find orgasms entertaining, normally. ;)
I like to think of myself as an ''attentive lover'' and I think I have the proof in that quite a number of my exes still wanted to 'do the deed' after we ended the romance. I must've been doing something right. :)

Posted by: James at February 5, 2004 11:58 PM

The only time a guy "might" be able to pull of faking it is if the woman is, shall we say, already riding the wave. I think that's the only way a guy could do it since she would be preoccupied.

That is, unless she's already faking it. But then she probaly wouldn't care, right?

Tried this with the wife once and it worked. (I think)

Hey! Send Luuka this way!

Posted by: Dave at February 5, 2004 11:46 PM

I have faked them in the past but for woman I think its a lot easier to get away with it.

I always wondered why God was so cruel as to not allow most men to enjoy multiple orgasms. But I guess in the whole balance of the universe sort of way it all evens out.


Posted by: Drew at February 5, 2004 09:00 PM

WHAT?!?! No politics or religion?! Those are the two best topics! You're correct that they can get heated in a hurry.

Although, I've found I can have far better discussions with my brother-in-law via e-mail than in person. In person he interrupts me and goes on long monologues, and I can't get a word in edgewise. Apparently he doesn't have to stop talking to breath like the rest of us.

It's quite impressive to see someone talk for 10 minutes with no break at all. Annoying, but impressive nonetheless.

Posted by: Solomon at February 5, 2004 08:58 PM

If you do, take digital pics, pylorns! We need PROOF!

Posted by: Helen at February 5, 2004 08:25 PM

Not bad. I could beat that 6 in 30min mark...

Posted by: pylorns at February 5, 2004 07:26 PM

No problem, Kaetchen:) You deserve happy thoughts!

And the bath tap thing? I tried that, but the only thing that happened was I got water-logged.

Posted by: Helen at February 5, 2004 07:00 PM

Okay, yeah, I've faked it. Not for a number of years, but still. Mostly it was back when I was young enough to not know how to 1) ask for what would have *worked*, and 2) didn't know my body well enough. As for that first orgasm...age 9, baby. Under the bath tap.

I'm pretty sure that some of the men knew I was faking, but I'm equally sure that they didn't care! These days nobody's faking in my bed - in one of the great injustices of the world, I'm now one of those women who can sort of plan their orgasms. I come on average 3 times each session, and almost always come right after he does. I think it's from so many years of being with someone who practically never orgasmed, so that now the boyfriend finishing is so fucking SEXY to me that I just go over. It rocks.

(thinking happy thoughts about tomorrow night now, thanks Helen!)

Posted by: Kaetchen at February 5, 2004 06:58 PM

Paul-I love nice guys, too :)

Abs-I believe you-and so consider me eating humble pie on my statement that all women have faked it.

Jim-never have I found myself craving a salad so hard in my life! Damn...

Posted by: Helen at February 5, 2004 06:48 PM

Orgasms with a partner are way more potent than self administered ones. There's so much more sensation. Lips, hands, muscles clenching, (give me a minute here...)

Where was I? Oh, yeah! The biggest reason why orgasms with somebody else are more potent is the element of surprise. With self service you always know what's happening. No surprises ever. With a partner, even one you've been with for a long time, you never know just when that vagina's going to clench up on you or when you'll get that low throaty moan coaxed out or when she'll run her fingernails down your back. Those unexpected things are powerful stuff.

To put it another way, if you go to the salad bar you're going to get exactly what you take. If you order at the table you might get more croutons or some shredded cheese that just blows your mind. Even the prepacked ones from the drive through have an element of mystery to excite you.

Posted by: Jim at February 5, 2004 06:36 PM

I honestly HONESTLY have never faked it! The way i see it is;

1) i am a crap liar

2) if i want sex to 'improve' or i want to have an orgasm with this man in the near future i need to let him know what works and what doesnt, making him believe everything we have ever done works is cutting off my nose to spite my face!!

3) Faking is an effort ; )

abs x

Posted by: abs at February 5, 2004 06:29 PM

Your loyal, male followers ((read:unbangable nice guys) re-read:me) are still reeling from having our/my our collective hopes of ever bedding you dashed by yesterday's post. Do you seriously think all you have to do is mention the word clitoris a few times (Mmmmmm... sweet minge)... wait, where was I? oh yeah... and we're back on your band wagon?! I think not.

Now kindly post about some deeply troubling issue so we can revert to our nice guy/milk-toast role of emotionally (read:no chance in Hell of physically) comforting you.

Tearfully, PC

Posted by: Paul at February 5, 2004 06:28 PM

Marie my dearest (and best photographer I know)-the only thing I won't discuss here is religion and politics. That, since I feel both topics are best discussed in a person-to-person environment, since both get heated quickly.

Otherwise, anything is fair game! :)

Posted by: Helen at February 5, 2004 06:00 PM

Helen, Is there any topic that you just plain won't touch? I never know what I'm gonna find here. You make me smile.

Posted by: Marie at February 5, 2004 05:48 PM

OR, vice versa Tee-how many guys have been able to climax while not fully at attention? And it sounds as though you are into exhibitionism, sir :)

Posted by: Helen at February 5, 2004 05:36 PM

As a guy, I tried to fake it one time with my wife but she didn't buy it. ; ) The obvious end result of the male orgasm just didn't occur. I just wonder how many guys have times when they maintained erections without being able to climax.

My wife and I have come up with some pretty interesting ways to achieve orgasm. Our current favorite "atmosphere" is with the lights on or in front of a window during a full moon, which happens to be occuring now. Woo Hoo!

Posted by: Tee at February 5, 2004 05:25 PM

all i can say is, thank god/goddess/whatever for orgasms. :-)

um, yeah, and that helen fisher...smart lady.

Posted by: kat at February 5, 2004 04:59 PM

I have never faked it. Several years ago I once boasted to two female friends and co-workers that no women had ever faked one on me. They had a great laugh and the story was retold at my expense at the next office happy hour. Flash forward 5 months. One of the two female co-workers and I start a relationship. After our first weekend of passionate lovemaking she said “Boy, I’m going to go tell Debbi (the other co-worker) that she owes you an apology.” I never did get that apology.

Alas, I can no longer say I haven’t had a women fake it. But that’s OK. My point is that men know when you’re faking it. (Assuming they have a clue.) On the other hand, if it’s all just about “putting it away” – then wtf do we care if you [really] get off?

Posted by: Clancy at February 5, 2004 04:12 PM

Helen-and we are both (or were both) drama queens...I was in theatre for years!

Miguel-I swear I have never faked with Mr. Y. Believe me-he would know about it, and it never behooves me to lie to him!

Posted by: Helen at February 5, 2004 03:00 PM

Helen, you and I have quite a bit in common: the name of a greek beauty, we both had faked it at one time or another with every guy until the current one, and we both had our first orgasm with someone called Kim.

This is getting spooky.

Posted by: helen at February 5, 2004 02:27 PM

Awwwwww...indeed. Godbless.

Posted by: Vikkicar at February 5, 2004 02:23 PM

Ok, I´ve faked it. And probably for the same reasons women fake it. Getting older helped a lot, and assuming your likes/dislikes and limitations is a good step in the right direction. Kim Deal sang it: "I just wanna get along". Now for the "I didn´t fake it with Mr. Y" claim... sure? ;) Miguel.

Posted by: msd at February 5, 2004 01:45 PM

I honestly can't think of one time that I've faked it.
If I'm not going to, I'm not going to. Doesn't happen very often, I'm a gimme at least two or three or I won't go to sleep yet kinda gal, but when it does, just leave me alone and give up instead of trying to cripple me :)

Posted by: melanie at February 5, 2004 12:09 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?