Friday at 4:00 pm my recruiter called, spurred on by Mr. Y. The UK government had made a decision, he said. Call them immediately.
Ten minutes of busy tone and one heart attack later, and I get through. My heart is in my mouth, my voice sounds shaky, and tears are in my eyes.
We've decided we need more information, the man tells me. Clarifications on your case. Once you get those back to us, you will go back to the 5 week pile, only now it's an 8 week pile, unless you point out to us that you have a real job offer.
Fuck.
My visa manager (for I am investing a whopping 900 pounds to get help securing my visa) called me after that-it turns out the government wants faxed documentation from the company that I worked for before Company X-a letter saying that I was employed there and what I earned.
Problem is, the company went bust 3 years ago. I googled the fuck out of it, but only got the story from my friend, and former colleague (whose name I presented as a contact to prove I worked there): They were merged with two companies before the entire former staff of the company I worked for was laid off, then they were merged twice more. So if I can't get a faxed letter, I can provide them with court documents and trade journal articles proving that they did exist.
I called my stepfather for his advice, and he mentioned one thing to me that had slid right past me, since I had been out of the U.S. way of working for so long. Did I have a W-2 from them? Send that.
And I do have copies of every tax form I have ever filed. I did have it. So X Partner Unit and I raced to Company X (bad, bad company X) where he faxed it for me.
Hopefully I will hear something this week. The stress is killing me. I have been popping ulcer tablets and taking a spin at the oven rack frequently. I have been drinking pots and pots of coffee in desperate attempts to not eat. Despite my desire to stay away from alcohol, I only managed one night this weekend to do so.
And my heart is feeling bruised in other ways, too.
I did have a Valentine's present for X Partner Unit, which I bought way back when I was solvent. I gave it to him on Saturday-just a fuzzy fleece robe-and he looked at me.
"I didn't get you anything." he said. "I hadn't even thought about it."
"No, it's cool." I replied. And it was. "I just thought you needed a new one, and bought this for you ages ago."
At least (so far) we are still friends in this long and drawn-out breakup. I guess it's only a matter of time before the gloves come off. Gloves always do, after all.
Mr. Y heard from his brother Adam (the one who first told Mr. Y about what Y's family had been told by Her about me) on Thursday. Adam had spoken to Mr. Y's soon-to-be-ex-wife. According to Adam, said female told him on the phone something that was incredibly unsavorable to me, along with the usual I assume-that I am crazy, evil, building on Mr. Y's naivete, etc. etc.
But Mr. Y won't mention these negative phone calls to Her, and nor will he generally confront Her when She comes after me (historically, there have been a few occasions where he told me he didn't defend me as he didn't want to get into an argument with Her). He doesn't want to bring up issues if he doesn't hear about it first hand. He doesn't think it is constructive to pick up the phone and ask people to cease and desist if he didn't hear this to his face. On the one hand, I can understand this-it's a bit childish of me to ask him to be my rabid attack dog if no one is coming to him directly and telling him these things. On the other, I am struggling with feeling exposed, and worried that a few times in the past he hasn't defended me.
In my real life, no one is allowed to bad mouth Kim or Mr. Y. Ever. If anyone so much as starts to get that way, I become one of those spiky puffer fish-poof!-and you can't get near my lovers to save your life, better to just swim away and search for other sushi. And even here, I would ask that criticism be constructive. But in my real life, tearing these men down is like tearing me down-these two men are the ones that I will never let go of and never get over. If you hate them, then you hate me.
I feel like I am defending my life, and I feel like I am doing it alone. Don't you understand? I want to ask Mr. Y. If you don't defend me, then how do I defend myself? Don't you know that I am out of resources for this kind of thing, that my piss and vinegar levels are pretty low these days? Do you know how much I love you? If I'm the love of your life, shouldn't you be the one who watches my back? Do you know how much I need you to stand up and fight with me and for me?
Combine this with about the roughest therapy visit I have had so far today (he made me cry for the first time yet...and I still haven't really stopped, 4 hours on) and I am painfully aware, more than ever, of just how much anger and issues are brewing underneath the Helen-like surface. I'm a nut, man.
My self-esteem is dwindling to a mere teaspoon's worth, and I fight every day the same way-by rote, by struggling with the freezing and barren temperatures, by completing a list of things that X Partner Unit sets out for me each day (once upon a time I would have been affronted by this, but now it just gives me something to do), by hoping that there is something more in the world to live for.
-H.
PS-Margi, ever the trendsetter, bought this shirt. I saw it, knew I had to have it, and bought one too. I should have it in a few weeks' time!
PPS-Joey got a job! Now send some happy thoughts to Abs, Light and Dark, and Amber, among others.
PPPS-it occurs to me that I should mention my blog-ettiquette. If you comment here and have a blog, then each post you comment on I go and check your blog (although some blogs, like Vikkicar and Pylorns, are almost impossible to load on my dial-up connection). A number of others I try to pop in on from time to time. And if you leave a comment with no blog, then in general I don't email you-I think it's a bit intrusive (although I don't mind if people email me back if I leave comments.) I assume that if you wanted to hear from me via mail, then you'd mail me (and I owe a few mails there, too:) So if I seem a bit unresponsive-believe me, I am listening, reading, and taking it all in.
Posted by Everydaystranger at February 16, 2004 01:55 PM | TrackBackThe Other Mike S-I can't possibly think of a worse idea than calling his ex and confronting her. That will just piss off nearly everyone.
Thanks for the advice, but not a chance in hell.
Posted by: Helen at February 19, 2004 02:17 PMAhhh, That they.
Posted by: Roger at February 19, 2004 01:05 AMRoger: The "they" in the second paragraph refers to men having to stick up for the woman's "honor", not the woman sticking up for herself.
Posted by: The Other Mike S. at February 19, 2004 12:50 AMTo The Other Mike S.
Your second paragraph contradicts itself. You say start a pissing match; then you don't like to be around a woman...? Huh? And you missed what is important.
Hmmm. Doesn't Colin Firth have two sons? In England? Well the second may be to young...
Posted by: Roger at February 18, 2004 10:17 PMThis is probably going to come across as cold, but quit being a cry-baby-sissy-butt (my wife's great term).
If this is so important to you, call Mr. Y's soon-to-be-Ex and tell her to shut her pie-hole. Very few men find it attractive to be with a woman of such low self-confidence that they are continually getting into childish pissing matches over "her honor".
Grow a spine, girl. Or some thicker skin.
Good luck.
Posted by: The Other Mike S. at February 18, 2004 07:57 PMH.
Hang in there, you are due for things to turn and it will. I have learned that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an on-coming train but a friend holding a beacon light.
This just rolled around on iPod shuffle and i thought of you:
'... never mind the darkness,
we still can find the way,
and nothing lasts forever -
even cold November Rain ...'
/BF
I hope this visa business goes your way! It's certainly been a lot for you to go through. Good luck in what seems to be the never-ending visa saga! :)
Posted by: Talia at February 17, 2004 10:51 AMI am of two minds about this, and I know you've not asked for, really, anyone's opinion, but for what it's worth, on one hand I can see Mr. Y not getting into a pissing match with his soon to be X, by not saying anything, he is actually saying that no matter how fucked up she may think and say you are, he would still rather be with you than her. Which puts her in the category of she is worse in every way than you. In which case, hmm. You win, she loses, you've got him, she's got nada.
On the other hand, if as you say and I quote, "no one is allowed to bad mouth Kim or Mr. Y. Ever. If anyone so much as starts to get that way, I become one of those spiky puffer fish-poof!-and you can't get near my lovers to save your life, better to just swim away and search for other sushi. And even here, I would ask that criticism be constructive. But in my real life, tearing these men down is like tearing me down-these two men are the ones that I will never let go of and never get over. If you hate them, then you hate me", then shouldn't you expect at least the same courtesy from him? Do you deserve that? Oh, you bet. I'm not saying he should even confront her, but the rest of the people that she's talked to? Has he given them any kind of rebuttal? At the least, I'd think he should.
Again, he may just be playing it off as it doesn't matter how anyone thinks of her, she's just fine for me the way she is.....
My only real advice, stay away from the damn oven. Sooner or later, when you are together, his family friends etc will notice the scars, and then they really will wonder if she (the X) had a point. Not to mention that that has to be lowering your self esteem even more, because I know you know just how self destructive that is. And you have got to have some feelings of guilt or shame for doing it. The more you do it, the more you bring yourself down. Even if you don't recognize it as such.
It will get better. This is just a temporary problem. You can overcome this. It is ok to be pissed off because things are shitty. And screaming, throwing things, and generally kicking the shit out of things may do you some good. Get pissed off. It is better than being sad. Remember it is not the size of the dog in the fight, it is the size of the fight in the dog.
Completely off topic - but Luuka had a great holidays. Photos and stories to come in the next few days...
Posted by: Simon at February 17, 2004 08:55 AMHelen,
Keep your head up--I have dealt with the sort of situation you describe, and the best way I know to handle it is to keep your friends close, and hope it all blows over. Just vent to who you can, and hold on tight. You'll make it, I eventually did.
Ben
And, for the Record, he should be defending you...
Posted by: Ben at February 17, 2004 08:21 AMYour sentiments struck me...
I understand completely the need to be defended. ...And Puffer Fish Syndrome (you've captured it beautifully). I'm sure somewhere that's a recognized medical term.
A partner once told me they didn't say anything to what I perceived to be a horrible shot at me because they felt that the other person was directing their negativity towards him, not really at me directly. I'm still not sure I understand how it didn't trigger his prickly sea life reaction, but he turned out to be as valiant a knight as I could ask for, so who knows.
If someone said nasty things to you directly, would he come to your rescue? Misunderstandings are one thing, but that'd be difficult to justify in my book.
Posted by: Curiosity at February 17, 2004 02:40 AMCoffee, hmmm, good but alas it doesn't cover the 4 food groups. I usually switch to Mountain Dew and then back again:) What is your favorite dish or the first one that comes to mind when you think hungry? Where is a place that makes said food right? (I was in Dallas once this year and went to the restaurant "Houstons" and plan to go back for seconds some year).
Jim and everybody are writing from the heart.
While this post exposes how raw you(H) are feeling on so many fronts, I couldn't help but enjoy phrasings such as my piss and vinegar levels are pretty low these days or I become one of those spiky puffer fish-poof!-and you can't get near my lovers to save your life, better to just swim away and search for other sushi.
Posted by: Roger at February 17, 2004 02:24 AMHelen, one question: Why does he defend her and not you?
Posted by: Sarah at February 16, 2004 11:51 PMI couldn't begin to tell you all the things I'd like to in a comment box... so let me say instead that you are a pretty damn special person. Certainly unique, and certainly interesting, but mostly loved, and appreciated.
Keep your eyes up, and the oven closed. Smile at one stranger today and make them blush. It'll make you feel better. ;)
Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at February 16, 2004 10:18 PMLetter to Mr. Y:
My apologies for calling your wife psycho. That was rude and inappropriate of me. My usage of the word is non-standard and y'all lack the context to understand what I was really going for. The fact is I don't know your wife so shouldn't be saying much about her in any case.
In fact, the only think I really know about her is she apparently likes to fling dirt around everywhere except where she could be confronted about it. If you're upset about people calling her psycho then you likely have some protective instincts left for her. If that's the case then you really need to stop her black-tonguing of H sooner than later.
This activity of hers is not only hurtful to Helen, it's also destructive to the lady herself. People get trying during trying times and they tend to act out aggressively. If they're of a normal mindset they also tend to whip back like a rubberband and spend time and heartache regretting the things they did when they drop the agressive stance. If you're letting her act out like this without doing anything to stop her then you're really letting down both of the women in your life.
Posted by: Jim at February 16, 2004 08:54 PMHelen, Mr. Y is beeing smart about it. Iīm sure his ex isnīt such a bad person, he did pick her in the beggining, right? Like he picked you now. Thereīs no guarantee about relations, and tough his is ending, Iīm sure theyīre both hurting, and lashing out. Arenīt you expecting that with ex-PU? My point is donīt feel threatened about it, time will bring perspective about this. He is beeing smart about it. Love, Miguel.
Posted by: msd at February 16, 2004 08:24 PMI remember when I was a kid I thought it was ceiling wax.
That's silly.
Posted by: Guinness at February 16, 2004 08:24 PMGuys-I am taking a lot of flack from Mr. Y now over this post-he is upset that people are coming out against his wife and calling her psycho. So let's not do that, since it makes my life hell, since I don't need him coming after me, too.
Posted by: Helen at February 16, 2004 07:08 PM
That is a nice shirt indeed. I use dial-up too. Oh well...Have a fine week. Praying for your VISA thingy. I live in the Philippines and getting a US VISA is not easy. I've been practicing to "orb" [hehehe], maybe it'll work someday. Have a fine week. Godbless.
Dear Helen, This poor chick is so threatened by you...find temporary solace in this. Keep the mantra, " She's beneath me, she's beneath me, she's beneath me..." Poor Y is in his own hell right now. And, for what it is worth, I have a 'feeling' that everything will come together for you soon...but you have to hold on for a little while longer. I just know.
In Peace, Marie
ps-I like you etiquette rule...very sensical.
I've been reading your blog for several months now. Just keeping quiet, wondering at your travails. But this time I had to say something.
All I can say is that I've had to defend my wife lately against our daughter-in-law and her brother (had to throw him out of the house).
Maybe as a guy I can't understand the feelings you have, but as a husband who loves his wife I can't imagine not defending her with all my energy no matter who it is that bad-mouths her.
Posted by: bigdocmcd at February 16, 2004 06:39 PMPlease, no oven racks. Please, please, please. Get a big stuffed pig and tape a picture of Hillary Clinton's face to it (or Y's psycho-ex) and then beat the hell out of it. It's much more therapeutic and much less damaging to you. And your loving readers won't get that spooky clenchy feeling in our bellies combined with that frustration at not being able to wave our magic wands to make all better for your.
Plus, you get to beat on Hillary Clinton (or Y's psycho-ex, as the case may be) and what's cooler than that?
For the Visa - can you use your offer letter to show them you have a genuine job in the waiting?
Posted by: Jim at February 16, 2004 06:36 PMH,
For God's sake I'm begging you - lay off the oven dearie! You're killing me!
As much as Y is the nemesis of every male reader you have it's hard to fault a guy in his position. I've been there and it sucks, you try to take the high road when you're ex is fighting a guerilla war. Let YEPU sling mud all she wants, over time she'll be the only one left wearing it. Anybody worth your time will reserve judgement on you until they've had the good fortune to spend time with you firsthand. If they're easily swayed by 2nd and 3rd hand gossip then there aren't worth fretting over.
Don't let up on those visa fuckwits - make them see what we see!
You are never alone. We Stand Alone Together.
I dont know what to say as I dont know if I could be with someone who wouldnt stand up for me to others. And while I agree to a degree with what Karen said- doesnt mean it wouldnt bother me.
I also know what it is like to have anger under the skin- and I can say from experience that you HAVE to let it out. Hurt as it may, I am still trying but my inability to do so on some issues has led to some destructive bits in my life- that are not needed.
I can say that I am amazed you would be able to get a visa (being American and all) and I wish nothing but the best for you in that (cause I know all about turning down 40K pound jobs since the Visa issues get all caught up- instead I am going 40K USD in debt for my MA :)
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself- you only got one you :)
Posted by: stinkerbell at February 16, 2004 05:09 PMAbs-sorry! Fixed:)
Karen and Courtney I have tried being nice-even though it gets thrown back at me. But now I am beginning to see red. To be really angry at all this. I completely see your points, but a part of me still feels like what Sarah said-red flags on the non-defence positions.
Sarah-yup, I've been doing that, too. Spinning around in the bed, feeling mental over stupid stuff. Sleeping tab, anyone?
Lucidly Awake-thanks.
My dear Solomon-you may yet get called upon to do some research :)
Wench-sometimes I think we walk similar walks, darlin'. Maybe we should agree-I'll try to be nice to me if you try to be nice to you.
Posted by: Helen at February 16, 2004 05:02 PMCould the gov't be any slower? I know it has a tough job, but it could increase its throughput by 500% if they would just disclose everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) you need when filing for something: proof of last 5 years of employment, a birth certificate, a driver's liscence, 3rd grade report card, shoe size...
Just tell me what you need, and I'll get it for you!! But don't tell me one thing at a time and keep moving me to the back of the line.
Posted by: Solomon at February 16, 2004 04:25 PMHelen, please be kind to yourself. You deserve it. I know it's hard, I fight the battle myself, but please try.
Posted by: wench at February 16, 2004 04:21 PMAt the risk of sounding naive in such complex situation... "The darkest hour is just before the dawn."
Posted by: Lucidly Awake at February 16, 2004 04:00 PM*hugs*
I know you're angry and upset about this job thing, but don't be angry at Mr. Y for not picking fights - letting this woman rant and rave lets everyone see her for the nut she is - and surely she's got a habit of doing this with others. Taking it to her level by going after her just gives her what she wants, which is a fight - don't give her the satisfaction, hon. "Kill her with kindness" - it'll make her eat her heart out. ;)
I do have info & book, just haven't had time to do anything this weekend - hopefully today will be good to let me do that.
And your self-esteem may be at an all time low, but we love you, hon.
Posted by: Courtney at February 16, 2004 03:56 PMI realise that She is starting shit because she's bitter and hurt. But in my mind, it's a Red Flag (with capitals) that Y isn't defending you. Are you not also his friend? Would he not tell you to knock it off if you were going off about her in an unreasonable manner? I have a problem with the lack of defense too.
And on the therapy tip--I had a dream last night that made me so angry that when I woke up, I couldn't go back to sleep--I just laid there, stewing about how to get the (fictional) bitch back. The oven rack has been looking better and better these days.
Posted by: Sarah at February 16, 2004 03:56 PMHelen,
"She" is looking for something to start shit with. In my opinion he is doing the right thing by not bringing you into their relationship. She is fishing for information about you, and he isn't biting. Good for him. You and he belong together. If he starts talking about you with her then she contaminates that.
I know it is hard for you to feel he isn't defending you. It really does not matter what she thinks. What he thinks is what is important. Don't let her poison your relationship with him. That is exactly what she wants.
Don't let her ruin what you have with him. She isn't worth it, but you definately are.
Posted by: Karen at February 16, 2004 03:51 PMI hope that everything comes together soon, i have all my fingers and toes crossed for you :)
If you were looking to link to me, you got the name right but not the link!
Abs x