I will spare you from me discussing my great distress about the visa (I understand it is boring, and anyway there isn't any progress anyway, only further complications.) Instead, let me tell you something about myself.
Cause...you know...I never talk about myself here.
I spent the entire day yesterday sitting in a green armchair that I have in the study. I didn't read. I didn't login. I didn't turn on the TV or radio. I just sat in the chair for the entire day and thought.
Monday was a bad day for me, really. My therapist had, with three sentences that he uttered, unlocked a part of my memory that I had sealed out for many, many years. Suddenly, things that I had very successfully welded shut came back to me in floods, breaking open the pipeline and engulfing my mind, and it was all I could do to strap my hip-waders on and grimly decide to get through it.
And I found myself like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, trying to flip open my opera glasses. Ummm...Mine are Broken! In one afternoon, I lost my ability to disassociate. I had never known it had a name, this thing I did, this ability to step outside of myself. When the going got rough, or even just very emotional, I would be able to step outside of me, to be able to watch what was happening to me much like I would watch a TV show. It wouldn't be real, what I was thinking or feeling. I wasn't there. I hadn't known that this had a name until I read about it on Sedalina's site, and I found out that other people step outside of themselves, too. Armed with a name for this, I talked to my therapist about it. And it is one of three things that is wrong with me.
But since my therapy visit, my transporter is broken. No more beaming off this ship! I am stuck facing an intergalactic war, but at least I armed myself with alien liquor before getting on deck. My aim may be off now, but at least my phaser practice will be hilariously fun.
Losing my job has devastated me so much for one singular reason (well, other than the humiliation of losing my job and the loss of income, but let's forget that now, shall we?): there is only one thing that I believe in myself in, and that's the fact that I think I am intelligent (and I am not being uppity when I say that). No matter how rough my life was going in other areas, I knew that I had my job because I worked like a madman and I was clever (I also believe I am a fabulous sex kitten, but that has nothing to do with my job. No really-it doesn't).
We're not talking uber-Mensa here, but I do think I am smart. I don't know everything about everything, but I can hold my own in debates and I read like a maniac. But the problem is, I am filled to the brim with utterly useless knowledge. In university, I used to be able to name all the Egyptian pharoahs, their dynasties, and their birth and death dates.
You know...'cause that's info that I can use in my daily living.
If I was in a desperate flight for my life with a handsome CIA agent, running from some bad guys in a gorgeous half-torn chiffon dress and cute but reliable strappy shoes (well, at least that's the way I picture it in my head), we would get to a garage and he would draw his gun, panting heavily and looking out for more bad guys.
"Helen!" he would bark. "I need you to-hot wire this car so that we can drive out of here and live happily ever after!"
"Ummm...right." I would reply, shuffling from foot to foot and hoping I looked cute. "Wouldn't you rather discuss Greger Mendel's studies in genetics? I'm can do that one."
People can tell me that I am unattractive (which hurts, but I understand that we all have to be different-I mean, I think I have rabbit-like front teeth and a big round face)), people can tell me that I am fat (which really hurts and makes me not like that person at all, but it's true, I could stand to lose a few pounds), but if someone calls me stupid, then I feel strong enough about myself to know that's not true.
Hmph...I have some pretty mean people in my life.
And one other big realization I had was: I loved my grandfather so fucking much because he was the only one in my life who loved me just as I was.
Now that's a gift.
-H.
PS-Luuka (now airborne to the lovely Brass in Colorado) has been having the party of the century with Simon, working and travelling the Far East. That lucky cow. Get the pictures here!
PPS-The latest Bonfire of the Vanities is up here.
What a wonderful post. Really...truly. Thanks :-)
Posted by: Chris at February 19, 2004 06:02 PMWow, you really do understand what i've been going through. I'm sorry you had to go through what i've been going through.
Posted by: Cornelia at February 19, 2004 04:28 PMSorry, I'm still trying to deal with "a handsome CIA agent, running from some bad guys in a gorgeous half-torn chiffon dress and cute but reliable strappy shoes." Damn right he better run.
Paul
Posted by: Light & Dark at February 19, 2004 12:54 PMHow many you've scared away? *lol*
I asked my Magic 8Ball (My best ever present - thanks ;)) 'After H's blog and comments yesterday - will her readership increase?'
Answer: 'Without a doubt'
/BF
Posted by: Best Friend at February 19, 2004 10:27 AMSteve- Before I began with the therapist I have now, I had a state-funded one until the waiting list was clear to see mine. They put me on happy pills, which I found (after waiting quite a while for them to take effect) that they didn't work. Plus they made me gain weight-not a good thing for someone like me.
I discussed with my current therapist and I told him basically this: I don't want to do these drugs. I want to handle this without medication.
He agreed, and now the only meds I have are sleeping tabs to use when the insomnia breaks set in. I just think I'll feel better about myself if I handle it on my terms and with my mind.
Roger and Ilyka-thank you. Thank you so much.
De-puffing now. Wonder how many I've scared away.
Posted by: Helen at February 19, 2004 09:42 AMAnd please pardon the typos in my message - I was writing pretty fast.
Posted by: steve at February 19, 2004 05:43 AMI always find it a bit ironic that attractive, intelligent women like Helen and like my wife (who would probably kill me if she knew I was saying something nice about a stranger on the Net) always consider themselves to be fat & ugly when they aren't. I guess it's the female equivalent of the way us guys worry about penis size when we should all realize that's actually the size of our wallets that women are interested in ;-)
But seriously Helen, I think that talking to "therapists" about one's problems just leads one to dwell on the problems and become even more depressed. Zoloft and other high quality medicines can actually make you feel better so that you can survive the vagaries of the World's economy and the bureaucracies of various nation's visa offices. Talking about being stressed out from having to put up with loads of BS is about as useful as talking about being stressed out physically from an infection. Just take your pills until you're feeling better. Once you're well enough you can go to Mr Y (of whom I'm pretty seriously jealous) and get some additional therapy.
Now pardon me whilst I duck and hide before all of the budding psychologists begin flaming me.
Posted by: Steve at February 19, 2004 05:42 AM*hugs* I'm glad you're taking the time to write this down.
Posted by: Courtney at February 19, 2004 04:23 AMHave you noticed that those people who you think were the best to you in your life - IE Kim and your grandfather - are now gone? Disassociative.
You know, I totally love and admire that Helen has the figurative cohones to write about her innermost feelings, but I've noticed something: If someone states he/she's in therapy, it's like a little invitation goes out over the internet. Calling all amateur therapists! Come shrink this person up! Let's have a pile-on (because that's really what the woman needs at this point, isn't it)!
For heaven's sake, there's nothing more natural than missing those who are gone. It happens especially when people aren't feeling good about themselves or their lives; and so what?
If people tend to idealize past relationships, remember the dead over-fondly, or look at the past through rose-colored glasses, well, big deal. For one thing, sometimes comforting memories give one strength and the space to heal. For another, it protects one from the pain of all the times the past relationship was not, in fact, ideal.
It's not necessarily dissociative. I suppose it could be, but somehow I think that's an issue for Helen and her therapist to work out.
Posted by: ilyka at February 19, 2004 01:20 AMI'm no English scholar, but I've seen "Mary Poppins" a few hundred times; and they sing a song about tuppence, which I believe is just a contraction of "two pence". Or as we say in America, two cents.
No cents from Solomon today either.
Posted by: Solomon at February 18, 2004 10:19 PMBut abs x, you sure can throw in a word I have to look up; still haven't located a solid definition or usage for 'tuppence':)
H, I'm so glad you write with honesty and your last comment is clear too. Of course unfolding events and when you want to write about 'em is up to you. Everyone should recognise what it must take to bravely write what H has already written. I know I don't have that kind of bravery. When reading ES, I feel it is a time for a little introspection. Let's face it; we can be somewhat conditional in our love for immediate family. And very hard on them at times but I believe Helen's puffer fish effect is also triggerable by external criticism toward anyone in her family:-)
You're beautiful. But don't take my word for it. Go here and see for yourself.
Hm, looks like my tuppence isnt needed today, i think everyone has it all covered already :)
abs x
Why do people think I am having a go at my family in this post? I'm not. I made one comment about my Grandfather. That's it. That he loved me unconditionally. And family members-which, actually, I suspect at least one comment in here comes from a family member-shouldn't take offense at.
Now I am paranoid that I shouldn't make such statements.
I was talking about my grandfather. I never said anything about anyone else.
Kim is DEAD. My grandfather is DEAD. Don't worry-I've never disassociated them being otherwise. They're gone and I will never have them back.
My family disappointing me is the least of my worries. The biggest danger to letting me down is myself.
Posted by: Helen at February 18, 2004 07:50 PMFor your sake, or your families, I hope they don't read this blog. Have you noticed that those people who you think were the best to you in your life - IE Kim and your grandfather - are now gone? Disassociative. Those who are here to still care for you and love you are the ones you are setting up to fail you.
Posted by: Shannon at February 18, 2004 07:33 PMKat-someday I will be wealthy and I will buy masses of your art.
Jill-I'm not discounting my family at all, only focusing on knowing that my Grandfather never once criticized me. Maybe he did have some reservations about me to others, but he spared me from them.
Rebecca-Yup, been doing exactly that for 29 years. It's like my knees are made out of slinkies now.
Jiminy-I promise, I am trying. I even re-worked half the bedroom floor this morning.
KJB-I sure do know how to boil a body-I read "Stiff", which remains one of my favorite books of all time! Let's talk gruesome!
Paul-Imagine me making rabbit purring sounds. That'll suffice.
H,
I've always thought of you a rabbit (although bunny sounds way hotter - which is you). Hell, rabbits have probably made you an honorary member of their clan.
While most people are daydreaming about having sex like rabbits somewhere there's a group/pod/gaggle of rabbits daydreaming about getting as much as that Helen chick, er bunny.
Nice pelt.
Useless knowledge is crazy fun in Triva. For instance.. I know how to boil a human body... do you? You can see where that topic could spark many of good times no?
Fat.... OK, seriously... if you are fat then about 85% of the rest of us need to visit our local Weight Watchers support groups. You are beautiful....teeth, face, body and all.
The Luuka pics are simply smashing.
Make it a great day Helen!!!
Posted by: KJB at February 18, 2004 05:42 PMHelen,
I'm with Jim. Not in the obsessive fantasy never-gonna-happen sense, but in the look-at-the-sidebar-picture-you're-gorgeous sense. And you've posted pictures before, all of which say the same thing to every guy (and some girls) on the site, you're very pretty, and no one here would kick you out of bed for eating crackers.
As for the rest, Simon is right, we all love you for who you are, too. And we don't even get the "I'm going to put on a good face and appear happy" you, we get the "I'm in a crappy mood, and feel like kicking someone in the teeth" you. Unfortunately, the person you kick in the teeth is often yourself. None of the regulars like that too much.
Buck up, little camper.
Posted by: Jiminy at February 18, 2004 05:21 PMMan, that Luuka leads a better life than I do!
Sheesh Helen, No one was ever completely satisfied with themselves or their lives. All we can do is take things as they're thrown at us and then we go to sleep and get up and do it again. Everyone in the world should be lucky to know you. They'd be much better people for it.
Keep on keepin on!
Posted by: Rebecca at February 18, 2004 03:48 PMIs it because you feel he is the only one you love unconditionally that you perceived it back the other way? Are you trying to say all those others you talk about - sister, mother, father, etc. don't love you who you are? Me thinks you are being a bit blind. I thought that's what families do - even Jack the Rippers. ;) If not, wouldn't we all choose our families - people who are perfect in every way? The box you are in is closing in - step out of it and look around you - I mean really look for a change. Looks lik disassociation has sstruck again!
Posted by: Jill at February 18, 2004 03:36 PMyou deserve more people in your life who love you like your grandpa. many more. although i'm pretty sure you've got a whole sh*t-load of em here!
i hear ya on the therapy thing. one therapist i had noticed that whenever she'd bring up something really difficult i'd just "leave." i guess seeing it is the first step. and loving all of yourself is the next. xoxox
Posted by: kat at February 18, 2004 03:24 PMRoger...my dearest Roger...it pains me to know that we may not be meant for each other now. For you see, Brussel srpouts, after the first frost of the year and with just a dash of butter and garlic...now that's heaven, sweetheart.
Bliss!
Posted by: Helen at February 18, 2004 03:07 PMBrussel sprouts! Ick! Whoever looked at them the first time and thought, "Food"? Your talking total system shutdown for five days; nails and beard do not grow an angstrom; no metabolism period. Friends will order 'em and inevitably out will come a smelly bowl of these evil wads of grass along with a big tirade about eating healthy. News flash! Them thar' are poison. Please set them at the other end of the table and don't breathe in my direction while you're eating healthy.
Posted by: Roger at February 18, 2004 02:48 PMPlumpernickel-surprisingly, I am a cynic when things are going well, too. You know, the glass is half empty type (usually because I just drank half of it).
Heather-Luuka is a real ho, isn't she? Getting drunk, making out, massages!
Stinkerbell-glad I am not alone on this one.
Jim-you're right, I DO owe you those nudie pics. Oh, and Brussel Sprouts rock.
Posted by: Helen at February 18, 2004 02:00 PMBig round face? Big front teeth? Fat?
Okay, now I've got to go ahead and disagree with you for the first time since...well...have we disagreed on anything before? Excepting the intrinsic superiority of beef over brussel sprouts, I mean.
Go and look at that pic you've got up in the sidebar. Your face is ovaline (not to be confused with Ovaltine, which is trademarked) and just about perfectly shaped to showcase that fantastic smile and your gorgeous almond shaped eyes (see, you did get some of the Japanese genes there - where it counts).
I guess I'll have to reserve comments about weight until I get those nudies you've been forgetting to send me. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at February 18, 2004 01:32 PMI know all about disassociation- and it is a bad reflex, and once there and the feelings get shut off it is REALLY hard to turn it back on. I also know what it is like to go from a job to none- when you define your life by your job. Instead I am in graduate school and hoping to get my act together :) I managed to work disassociation out of my life- not easy but worth it, now if I could get past some of my other issues...
As the Great Gilda says- it's always something.
Oh and if you want useless information- ask me aboug game theory or european welfare politics :)
Posted by: stinkerbell at February 18, 2004 01:24 PMI had no idea Luuka was so promiscuous! Looks like she had a great time, though. (I mean, who wouldn't have? Massage, tanning, sex?!)
Hang in there, Helen, it will get better, eventually.
Posted by: Heather at February 18, 2004 01:21 PMYou are not fat and you do not have big front teeth. You are cute and nice and funny and smart. Why else do you think gadzillions of people read this everyday and from what I read, like you to bits too.
In the situation you are in is what makes you think your knowledge is useless. I'm sure you can do plenty of practical stuff too. Well you can kickbox and I cant. :) I cant wait to see things get better. When you are positive, I wish I knew you in real life too, wait, even when you are not, I wish I knew you. Cheers and many hugs.
Posted by: plumpernickel at February 18, 2004 12:08 PMAnd like the T-shirt, I am so stealing that "Paging Dr. Freud" idea, Margi.
And we love Simon too-especially now that he's back and he's Simon, not his brother :)
Posted by: Helen at February 18, 2004 10:27 AMAnd don't forget we all love you just as you are too.
Posted by: Simon at February 18, 2004 09:22 AMNaive.
Paging Dr. Freud! Ms. Retentive is on the line! Ms. Anal Retentive!!
Posted by: margi at February 18, 2004 08:55 AMNothing wrong with a little bit of navel contemplation. I highly recommend it. For a time.
Ah yes, darling. . .now you know. NOW you can see who is worthy of your love and affection -- by virtue of the fact that he/sh/it loves you just as you are. One reason I believe pets are so popular with the clinically depressed. They don't give a shit if you're fucked up in the head -- they just love you for who you are.
You know something else I believe? You. Aren't. Broken. You're just YOU, my dear. A little bit naieve, a little bit jaded. You have a whole life of living and loving behind you, but you ALSO have a whole life of living and loving ahead of you.
Grab life by the balls honey, and LIVE!
Posted by: margi at February 18, 2004 08:54 AM