Now that Life 6 is preparing to embark, I find myself thinking about what's next. I talked to X Partner Unit about this last night, sitting on the cold floor of the hallway, a dog parked across my legs, a cat parked across his.
"Are you scared?" he asked. "You're starting all over again with nothing. You're moving to a new country, a new job, a new flat, and all of this by yourself."
"No, I'm not scared." I said, stroking my dog's ears and missing him already. "That's not scary to me. What's scary to me is making it until Monday morning. Getting to the point where I get on the train and ride into Central London, and then my feet step across the threshold of the building. That's what's scary. Because until I get to that moment, I will be afraid that anything can step in and take it away. Then I will not have survived Company X letting me go. And that, to me, is scarier than moving."
He nods, and then we haul ourselves off the floor, cook some dinner and polish off a bottle of wine.
And I start thinking about the formers. The formers in everything, really. Dream Job is the next job after Company X. The experiences-both good and bad-that I have from Company X will come into play when I start Dream Job. But Company X and I had a bad breakup-I don't look back on them with love or remember the happy times, even though I knew there were those.
It's the same with lovers, I think. How do we deal with the formers? Not ours, for I think our own experiences with love color and flavor who we are, but how do we face those we love?
I dated a parade of losers before I met Kim (and, honestly, I dated a parade of losers after him, too). Kim had a number of ex-girlfriends, almost all of whom he was still good friends with. But the first great love of his life was a woman named Crystal, who had died when he was in his early 20s. He never got over her. And I knew better than to ask him about her, I knew that the grief and longing he had for her was private.
So it must be for the men that I have loved that came after Kim. X Partner Unit won't even discuss him. Mr. Y calls him "The God". Kim's not a God, but I do accept that there is a great deal of reverence in how I hold his memory. I can remember the bad things that happened with him, but I jealously hold him to my heart, pressed in tight where the thorns of this most precious rose can make me bleed with the slightest movement.
So maybe now Mr. Y and I get our acts in gear and are able to be together after falling in love and then falling away from each other all those years ago. But now we are loaded with more baggage, so my question remains-how do we deal with the formers, the people that gave us experiences and love back, and who made us who we are today?
I used to be a jealous person, terribly so, when I was with Kim. The jealousy ate me up, and Kim calmly and gently addressed it. When Kim and I split, I vowed to never be jealous again. What a fucking waste of emotion, no one should feel the bitter tang of being jealous. And, for the most part, I wasn't jealous again. But I can sometimes feel that it could come back again, unbidden, and make me its bitch again. As Kim once said: Just because I don't want to fuck them anymore, doesn't mean I want anyone else to, either.
I thought of some ground ideas:
- Keep the sweet momentos of the past, just don't parade them around. We are both entering into this relationship with a whole series of previous lives. We both have a box that contains all of our love letters, and I intent on keeping my box and I hope Y keeps his. It's nice to look back and remember how we were once loved by someone else.
- Don't compare each other to the past. I don't want to ever be compared to his exes, nor will I compare him to mine. I don't want to hear that she used to do that, so why shouldn't I?
- Wipe the slate clean of traditions and start them over, too. Create new ones together.
- It's ok to feel nostalgic about the past. Just talk about it when it happens.
- Weed out the "we" and "us" terms when discussing the exes.
The jealousy has not set in. Mr. Y is not the first love of my life. I know I am not Y's first love, and if we decide to try to make a go of it together, it's ok-I don't need to be.
I just want to be the last.
-H.
PS-My airline tickets are bought. I leave Saturday at lunchtime. So.... T minus 4 days and counting.
The idea of setting aside/creating new traditions is really awesome. Its funny/stupid how big a deal this meal with that holiday can be to a relationship. Making your own really does solve two problems, one of not having to do something just because its a tradition, and two of building something with your mate that belongs to the two of you, very cool.
Jealousy... to me its always come down to a lack of trust, if I can't trust someone enough to let them be who they are, why the hell would I want to be with them?
Helen, almost there, GTFOOS! =)
I somehow feel sorry for the embassy workers tomorrow, poor bastards, heh
Dane
Posted by: Dane at March 2, 2004 10:55 PMGlad to see you're well, darlin'. (By the way, pay a visit to the blog).
Posted by: Don at March 2, 2004 10:18 PMIts a good thing you calmed down. Wouldn't want to see you on CNN losing it like the guy who crashed his SUV through the airport window and setting it on fire causing the airport to be shut down most of the day:
http://www.usatoday.com/travel/news/2004-03-02-suv-crash_x.htm
Then again it could be the start of a new series "Helen starting life # 7 as prisioner 724032AB
Posted by: Drew at March 2, 2004 07:13 PMI'm not sure I'm brave, so much as desperate!
The lowdown is this: the embassy here in Stockholm is supposed to have my passport stamped and ready tomorrow (I turned it in on Monday). I must fax a copy of this stamp to Dream Job by lunchtime tomorrow or the start date will be pushed back a bit.
I called the embassy, and they are not done with my passport, in fact haven't even started it, and will be backlogged today due to the need to "re-organize their office".
I kid you not. That's what they said.
Helen had a mini-explosion tomorrow and is headed for the embassy tomorrow morning, with a book, to camp out.
I have come so far. I will NOT be stopped now.
This said after I fucked off and went and saw "Something's Gotta Give" at the movies. It was just an ok film, but it did calm me down a bit.
Posted by: Helen at March 2, 2004 06:04 PMThose ideas will make an excellent groundwork.
Now what's this about a delay? Do I need to get the M&Ms out?
Posted by: Jim at March 2, 2004 05:23 PMHave I mentioned how incredibly brave you are? I mean, I know you travel a lot, so the act of traveling isn't that big a deal. I know you're psyched over finding the new job. I know you're sad about your relationship with the X Partner Unit. But you're focused on your goal, and not willing to let anything make you give up - which I find to be incredibly brave.
Posted by: Courtney at March 2, 2004 05:14 PMThat's a very good list -- especially the points about creating new traditions and weeding out the we's and us's. It took K only one Xmas to realize I refuse to wear someone else's shoes just to provide consistency to his life. We now have our own traditions... not necessarily better (yes they are!), but different, and ours.
Another issue that we had to deal with was how he would refer to his ex: he would say "the last one" or "my ex". He thought he was being respectful, but it drove me crazy that he wouldn't call her by name. He didn't realize that he was constantly refering to their relationship each time instead of the person. We know our presents have pasts, and we usually know their names... just use them.
Posted by: Carlene at March 2, 2004 05:05 PMDon't worry, life 7 is just around the corner.
Posted by: Mr Dobbs at March 2, 2004 04:51 PMI'm so excited for you! When do you start dream job?
Posted by: emily at March 2, 2004 04:30 PMScared now? Uh-Uh. No way no how. Life 6, meet Helen. Helen, meet Life 6....with reckless abandon I might add.
We're all rooting for you, who else has this much backup? :)
Posted by: Rebecca at March 2, 2004 04:04 PMJust like Kylan said, we're all pulling for you. Don't you meltdown too far. A little freak-out isn't bad, considering you're starting Life 6, but No Meltdowns! Everything will work out just like it's supposed to.
In regard to past relationships, I've always had a hard time in admitting that bad relationships had good times, and vice versa. I'm not naturally a jealous person, but it has reared its ugly head a couple of times in my life, and I've always felt badly about that. Thankfully, Bob has only once come to see that part of me, and we worked through it, though it did take a lot of effort and time.
DON"T YOU DARE START MELTING DOWN NOW !!!!
Okay -- serious thundering tones aside -- you're feeding the fear beast by threatening to melt down. "For one who has come so far, and with the end in sight, this last little bit is a mere pebble along the way." Don't take the american philosophy of making mountains out of molehills, and don't lose sight of the GOAL, here is your personal chasm, and your walking on the rope crossing -- don't let the swaying freak you out.
We're all still rooting for you -- never doubt it, and never forget it (or we'll have to take drastic measures -- scary thought) ...
you are one of the shining lights to all of your scattered readers -- even when your day is going bad, you sift the wheat from the chaff, and you put it down in words, and you make everyone else feel that; hey -- maybe they can make it through their darkness too. You're a lantern in the darkness, Little Flame -- though perhaps the "Little" epithet doesn't quite fit.
now, chin up, chest out, strut yourself down whichever boulevard you need to ... you can do this. You can, and you will.
Tioraidh!
Ky
Posted by: Kylan at March 2, 2004 02:51 PMSimon's analogy is dead on! We need to spend a majority of our time focussed on what's before us not behind us. That being said, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, so make sure you take that brief, backward glance periodically.
All jealousy isn't bad though; just like fear, it has its good points. Fear can keep one from walking too close to a cliff and falling to his death. My jealousy of the super-model Mrs. Solomon hanging out with other men in her free time may prevent her from forming a relationship that leads to adultery. That's positive jealousy.
Posted by: Solomon at March 2, 2004 02:42 PMI love those lyrics, Meg-haven't heard the song.
It's not all peaches and cream-I am currently having a meltdown over the delayed processing of my visa at the embassy, which is delaying start date with Dream Job.
Meltdown continues...
Posted by: Helen at March 2, 2004 01:47 PMRecently when I've been reading your blog (during X Partner Unit references especially), I've been hearing lyrics in my head - possibly a clinical matter, yes, but there nonetheless - from a [shudder] LeAnne Rimes song, Please Remember:
I'll always think of you and smile
and be happy for the time
I had you with me.
Though we go our separate ways..
I wont forget, so don't forget
the memories we've made.
Please remember,
please remember
I was there for you
and you were there for me.
Please remember, our time together
When time was yours and mine
and we were wild and free
Please remember, please remember me.
I wanted to comment. I wasn't sure what to say, so I thought I'd let you in on this random inanity.
Dream Job situation is awesome, and you are going to nail the fucking thing, no doubt. ;]
I was quite amazed at the way you pulled your shit together. You [seemed to] hit rock bottom, and you just clawed your way out of the funk. Admirable.
Cliches apart, I agree with Simon ;). Time to look ahead, and carry the sweet and sour memories in your heart. They are the stuff that build you up, no? Miguel.
Posted by: msd at March 2, 2004 12:08 PMHelen, i am so happy for you - the excitment of it all! I hope this move sees you become truely happy. As always you give me hope and inspire me, thank you always for sharing this with us.
Abs xxxx
Posted by: abs at March 2, 2004 10:28 AMcongrats on beginning life 6- I sure wish I could get a UK work visa :)
as for the Company X stuff. I know all about it and I can say with honesty, when you replace what is eating you right now with something else you will be a lot happier and that all wont seem so bad. But please I beg you do not carry over what happened with Company X to Dream Job!
As for loves well, I dont know, still working on that one myself. Then again the last one ended pretty nasty. Guess I should work on replacing that memory.
Posted by: stinkerbell at March 2, 2004 10:27 AMThose are some good guidelines to go by. By nature I am an extremely jealous person (I blame the fact that I am a Scorpio) and it's something that took alot of work to tone down. But I agree that it is a worthless emotion, one that only causes stress and anxiety.
Cheers to beginning Life 6 :)
Posted by: Melissa at March 2, 2004 09:20 AMIt's funny, I always approach this just the reverse. I talk about stuf. I'm very open about past relationships and all that. I don't ever mean for one to be what the other was, but at the same time I keep them all in my mind as helping me to be what I am. Good and bad. Maybe for the mental health of the other involved I should keep more of these things to myself, but maybe I am not as good a guy as I ought to be.
Four days is fast. Good luck and best wishes with all of the moving fun.
Posted by: Guinness at March 2, 2004 08:31 AMThe main thing is to remember that the past is a country you can't revisit. Inevitably as time passes memories focus on the good and forget the bad. But in the here and now there is always good and bad. That makes it almost impossible to always measure up to someone from the past.
The best thing to do is learn and grow from what's gone before so that what comes next is bigger and better. You've gotta build ont those foundations, otherwise the past has been a waste.
Your final line is right on: "Mr. Y is not the first love of my life. I know I am not Y's first love, and if we decide to try to make a go of it together, it's ok-I don't need to be.
I just want to be the last."
If you drive a car looking in the rear-vision mirror then you're going to crash. You have to look out at the road ahead and just check what's behind every now and again. Mostly to make sure there's no massive semi-trailers bearing down on you. Or cops.
Here endeth the cliches.
Posted by: Simon at March 2, 2004 08:01 AMI hope you are happy as you embark upon life six, you truly deserve it. I hope that Dream job is good to you and for you. Only 4 days?! Yay!
Posted by: Sue at March 2, 2004 07:41 AM