This morning I am off to the embassy, supplied with a book and a cup of coffee while I take up residence there until my passport is processed. I cannot believe that they will delay this due to office furniture, I cannot accept that they hold a desk and a LAN connection over people's futures. I cannot come so far and fail.
My beautiful dog is off to the mother-in-law's this weekend.
Unlike his other visits when Partner Unit and I went on holiday, he won't be coming back.
Sitting in the hallway again, Partner Unit and I talked. Ironic, that after 5 years together we never found a place where we could talk, until the Last Days of Us, in which we find that we can sit on the hardwood floors of the hallway, in casual poses of comfort, and finally air the wounds. The bitter wind whips the side of the house, taking a -5 degree temperature and bending it into factions of razors that sever off fingers and toes.
With solemn sadness we go through the logistics. The housing costs, the furniture. He is thinking of going to China after all, maybe later this year. I took my howling cats to the vet earlier in the day to prepare them for a possible move to the UK, with me, if that happens or if he decides he doesn't want them.
We are friends still, amazingly enough. Perhaps better friends than we have ever been before. I take comfort in his presence and his kindness, and perhaps out of guilt or love I fill the freezer and wine cellar with his favorites, to enjoy and nourish when I am gone.
Last night in the hallway I turned to him, sliding a stockinged foot across the stomach of my dog. "I do love you, you know." I say to him. "I always have and I always will. Maybe we didn't work out, but you should know that-just like Kim-I will always carry you in my heart and love you. I'm so sorry about everything, and mostly I just don't want you to feel that you've wasted your time with me."
He smiles sweetly, and scratches the cat draped on his leg absent-mindedly. "Honey...I will never think that. The 5 years we have had together have been the highlight of my life. I got to experience so much, I learned so much. I will never regret that. And above all, I got to love you."
And it was then, with those words, that I felt my heart truly break. With just that moment, I realized how sorry I feel for never having truly let him into my heart. I am beyond not worthy of a sentiment like that, there's no way on earth I deserve someone feeling like that for me.
I know that I am idealizing things right now-Partner Unit has a vicious temper that can get physical when he unleashes it. We never had the sizzling passion and the chemistry. He never wanted to discuss the past. He never remembers the things I tell him, not even the deep down, jarring, torrential things, and he never really listens to me and takes into consideration my advice.
But he is a good man, one that fought for me, and one that loved me. I just could never let him in, could never tell him the little secrets that lay dormant in me. And it is with this that I realize I can't be with someone that I can't talk to. We tried-believe me, we tried-with marriage counselling, guidelines, attempts to be honest. It just couldn't happen between us.
It would be easier if we hated each other, if we had something solid to walk towards in our hearts. If he knew about Y, I think he would hate me. But we are friends, and I hope we always will be. All I want for him is for a wonderful woman to come in and make his dreams come true, in a way that I couldn't.
With the icy cold snaking through the windowpanes and settling around my fingers, I know that I have to leave here. I have to leave Sweden now. I couldn't stay even if I wanted to-there are no jobs here, and I am not willing (not able) to stay at home and live off of a man. But some things here will always stay with me-the way the snow looks on a cold icy morning. The warm Swedish summers, where the sun is up all night long. And this morning, when in a tribute to an old habit Partner Unit rolled over and wrapped his arms around me, sighing as he settled his face into my hair, I know I will remember him, too.
And as I get ready to head off into Life Number 6, I think: Please, God, please let me know that I am doing the right thing.
-H.
T minus 3 days and counting.
Posted by Everydaystranger at March 3, 2004 08:04 AM | TrackBackWow-that was so nice of you to write, Tiffani. Thank you. Honest, I am really touched.
Maybe blogging is like reality tv, only with writing and the ability to switch it off when you realize you hate someone!
H~
I don't know why your surprised. You've pretty much have become a drug to me. Kindof like a good book you just can't put down. Only...I know the author. Well, I don't know you personally but, I feel I do, because you've let us into your life.
You've become an inspiration to us all. Someone we all can relate to. Someone we can say...wow I've done that, seen that, felt that. Whether the things that you share are good, bad and the ugly. You have no qualms about sharing your life. And not only we get something out of your blog but, you do as well, us.
P.S. I don't even read my e-mails first. I turn on the computer and your right there!
Posted by: Tiffani at March 4, 2004 03:40 PMWow-Tiffani you start a work day with my site? Really?
Wow.
Posted by: Helen at March 4, 2004 08:40 AMFunny how the most protected treasure in Life is true emotion.
"Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt, even! Play as well as you can. Go team! GO! Give me an L! Give me an I! Give me a V! Give me an E! L. I. V. E. LIVE! ...Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room."
Maude, Harold and Maude
Make the most of London and never look back.
Posted by: Curator at March 4, 2004 06:21 AMI know only a little of what you're going through, having had a relationship with someone I could not let in. Take heart, it does get easier to deal with (I think). Its good you part as friends, I will keep thinking of you every day
Posted by: Stephen at March 3, 2004 10:07 PMUnfortunately, there are no guarantees in life. IMHO, I simply try to give it everything I've got - and if that's not good enough, then I feel no regrets, because I had nothing left to give. I did the best I could do. I sense that you too, try to give your best, whatever the situation. Since you do that, don't second-guess yourself. You did what you could do, and that's all you could do. No need to be ashamed of it - be proud, instead, for having the strength to give that much of yourself.
Posted by: Courtney at March 3, 2004 08:06 PMHelen... you're doing great... keep on keepin on sister!
Posted by: KJB at March 3, 2004 07:25 PMFor what it is worth... (and I am not God), you are doing the right thing.
Posted by: Marie at March 3, 2004 07:21 PMHey! I was trying to put words into a comment and wasn't getting it said the way I felt about this post and then Almost Lucid (Brad) found the right combination of words. Of course H finds the expressive combination all the time.
Posted by: Roger at March 3, 2004 06:06 PMI'm really amazed at the way you two are parting amiably. It's very respectable.
I think you are answering your own questions as you write, which is great. You say you didn't let him into your heart but then talk about his temper, how he doesn't listen, etc. I don't think any of us will open our hearts to someone who won't take our words and feelings into their heart.
Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at March 3, 2004 05:26 PM
All the best to you Miss H. I'll include you in my prayers. Takecare and Godbless.
i think you know deep down that you are in fact doing the right thing.
but i hear you. my heart aches for you. hang in there gorgeous.
Posted by: kat at March 3, 2004 04:15 PMHelen,
You made me cry. I'm sitting here at work starting my day off as always...with you and I have tears in my eyes.
You have such a way of describing things. You make me feel like I'm sitting there sharing your conversation with Partner Unit. Wow.
I honestly hope everything works out for you, sweetie.
Posted by: Tiffani at March 3, 2004 03:22 PMH,
Best of luck with the final tasks before jetting off to the next life. Wait, that didn't sound too good!
What I meant to say was...
Have a safe trip. All My Best for you in London, little flame.
(much better)
Posted by: Paul at March 3, 2004 03:07 PMForward is the way to go, and your mind is playing a normal trick on you - eject the bad, retain th good. I think its excellent news you´re parting PU in such a civilzed and almost sweet way. Very uncommon. Miguel.
Posted by: msd at March 3, 2004 01:55 PMCurrently? I just tried to read "Ramses" by Christian Jacq but found it inane beyond belief so gave it up. Now moving on to "The Time Traveller's Wife" by Audrey Niffenegger.
Posted by: Helen at March 3, 2004 12:16 PMHardwood floors are not so good for the tuckus. I recommend throw pillows.
It's really wonderful that you and PU are separating amicably. So few relationships do.
But on to the important question - What book are you reading?
Posted by: Jim at March 3, 2004 11:53 AMbut I still love you
Posted by: Guinness at March 3, 2004 11:26 AMIt's far too much for me to deal with.
Posted by: Guinness at March 3, 2004 11:24 AMI can see why it might be scary, but I think what you're doing is exciting!
I really do want everything to work out just the way you want it to!
That was so touching and so real. I could almost feel your emotions.
You are so lucky that you are able to end Life Number 5 on such good terms. I envy your ability to do so.
Best of luck!
Posted by: Heather at March 3, 2004 08:33 AMI think it is very clear you are doing the right thing. What you're going through with PU right now is a shared nostalgia for times past, as your minds clear away much of the bad and cling on to much of the good.
You're going the right direction: forwards.
Posted by: Simon at March 3, 2004 08:17 AM