Well, the event is done and a Hazmat team has been called in to assess the damage.
Mr. Y took me to the family event as the "Plus One" he was allocated, and he phoned his mother, stepfather, two brothers and sisters-in-law, and his three closest friends to warn them of the hurricane. So when we arrived at said event-me in very nice black dress and black cardigan and a spine made out of icicles, I was trembling with nervousness. We entered the dark 16th century building, watching each other, hoping the evening would go well. The world outside the building-chilly, windy, unaware of my trial by fire-was not so welcoming either.
Before we left the house, he turned to me. "I'm going to look out for you," he said.
Thank God.
We were the first to arrive, but others started arriving in fits and starts almost immediately. Mr. Y introduced me to the various arrivals as "This is Helen", and I dutifully shook hands, smiled, and chatted with everyone. In no time, Y's closest mates showed up. Children I have never met ran in circles around indulgent parents, and a slide show of people I never knew was playing endlessly on one wall, full of experiences I had no idea about, eliciting much laughter and commentary from people I didn't know.
The Dog and Pony Show truly began.
Most of these men have all been friends for nearly 35 years or so, and have ancient histories, stories, inside jokes, and ribbings that go back very, very far. There was much back-slappage and merciless teasing, talks of pot bellies and receding hairlines, talk of cars I have never heard of and scouting events gone mad.
His friends were also very, very kind to me.
His best friend, Lewis (the one who commented on the phone if I was the one who caused all the problems) especially went out of his way to talk to me, watch out for me, and stay near me, as Y was dragged to talk to a number of people whom he hadn't seen in ages and I didn't want to feel like the desperate and needy nutcase who needs to hang on his coat-tails (but man I wanted him around me, with his arm around my waist).
Y's brother Adam strode in and shook my hand immediately, face crinkling into a smile, and kissed both my cheeks. We talked for a while, and either he was a fabulous faker or he actually liked me-and I have to say, I think he liked me. Then Y's other brother Sam came in, smiling broadly, and shook my hand. "So you're the one we've heard all about!" he boomed. I grinned in return.
Then Y's Mum came in.
She came to the extended circle I was in, hugged everyone and smiled, but wouldn't look at me. Not even when I introduced myself. She shook my hand then hurriedly looked away.
Great.
Lewis put his arm around my shoulder. "I'll stick by you," he whispered. "Even if it means I'm off the Christmas card list."
More people came in and talked with me, and I found it very easy to talk to them. The only mention of Y's ex-wife (heretofore on this blog known as the pronouns Her or She) came in this form: 3 people told me I was her polar opposite and that I was perfect for Y. That helped. Really.
Most of the group seemed to love to make fun of me being American, so I came up with a standard response when they found out I was from Texas-"Yup. We sit around a campfire eating our genetically modified beans, singing songs about our re-possessed pickup trucks and our dead dogs, then we shoot our guns in the air and vote for George Bush."
Got a laugh every time.
Food time came around, and Y's Mum came around to the tables to tell us to all come eat. She didn't look at me or talk to me. I decided this had to be dealt with-sooner or later we would have to talk, and I can't stand living with the curtain of stress. I went up to her.
"Hi," I said softly, drink in hand. "I wondered if maybe we could chat. I understand you're feeling awkward and I'm feeling awkward, and maybe we could talk to try to remedy this."
"Well, as you know, we are terribly fond of Her, and we hate that She is in so much pain." she said, looking at me.
"I understand, and I too feel awful that people have been hurt. I hope that the situation begins to ease for all parties." And you know-I meant it, too. But her statement still felt like an ice pick through my heart, a comparison that I would always have to live with, a former that would always eclipse the latter.
"And we are so fond of the grandchildren, and all of their pain is just terrible. And we worry that with the new situation we won't have access to them anymore."
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Does she think I am going to come in and prevent them meeting up? What?
"I assure you that both Y and I have, first in our priorities, his access and your access to the children. I will do everything in my power to ensure that he sees them and you see them as often as possible. I know I am not a part of this family, but I care for those children too, and they deserve to have all access to their loving families."
She looked at me. "I have been where She is, you know." (I did know-Y's father left her for a younger foreigner, too.) "I have been there, done that, have the T-shirt fort it." (Wow. Very American saying.)
I nodded. "I understand. My mother went through it too. I understand how hard it is to be a single mother, and you've done a wonderful job with your sons."
She looked at me further. "You know what happened to my sister-in-law, don't you?" she asked. I did. She had moved to the US with her husband and children, and was brutally raped and murdered in her bathroom by a fucking lunatic that was in prison and would hopefully stay that way. But Mum proceeded to give me the details, anyway.
I was confused. Was she telling me this since I am an American? That we are all so violent, etc.? I made sympathetic statements but was greatly relieved when she was called away. It appeared that I was extremely unpopular with Mum, as I had expected-Mum and She talk rather regularly, and I know she has heard all of Her side of the story.
I had two choices: drink or go cry in the bathroom. I did what any sane, level-headed woman would do.
I had 3 shots of vodka.
And I hate vodka.
I told Y about the conversation, and he said he saw us talking but hadn't wanted to intervene. I wish he had done-I think I was drowning without recourse. I longed for a hug, but he acted as though there was an electrical fence around me, and I knew he felt awkward about touching me in front of his friends and family.
I felt overwhelmed. Everyone seemed to like me except the Mum, but still-that's one big hurdle to overcome.
At the end of the evening, when two-thirds of the guests had left, the dancing got started. I stood around talking for a bit, then got asked to dance by two or three of Y's friends. At the final dance, Y came up, and all I could see was him. He wrapped his arms around me, and we danced to "Hey Jude" (even though I hate the Beatles), and he spent the entire song kissing me. I kept my eyes closed, kissing him back, as we spun around the dance floor, the lights making red and blue images behind my eyelids, and my body pressed into his.
As we left, Y's brother Adam kissed me and looked at me, warm smile on his face. "It was really nice meeting you, and I truly hope that I get to see you again soon."
When we got home, exhausted, frazzled, stressed, Y wrapped his naked body around me and said he was angry with Mum, though not sure if he would confront her. He also said that he heard a few times that I was very nice, sexy, and young, and this made Y angry. I'm not a trophy wife for him, he told me. He fell in love with me, and it doesn't matter how old I am. He's with me for me, and not for his ego.
I already knew that, but it's nice to hear it.
We fell asleep curled in each other's bodies, shaped like two identical commas under the duvet, and he is now away for a week in Sweden, watching his kids, as She is away on business.
I miss him madly.
I wonder if integrating lives ever gets any easier.
-H.
PS-still no internet access this week. The library and Mailboxes, Etc., must love me.
petal, i am so glad it went better than expected.
I have been with the Boy Wondwer 6 years and it has only been this last year that his mother has started to except me - long and boring back story as to why she found it so hard, but needless to say, it was nothing to do with me personally.
I think you are right, be nice and polite and understanding, give her nothing to fuel her imaginary fire about you and in the end (whenever that may be) she will come around.
abs x
H
Having been in Y's shoes I can tell you that yes it does get better with time. Be yourself and Mum will come around in time, she would have to, I (and hundreds of others) have grown to love you over the cosmic-spacial link of the internet. How could she not grow to love you in person!!!
You did well and you should be very proud of yourself, I know we all are.
Posted by: greyheadedstranger at March 16, 2004 10:23 PM!(ilyka's advice)
Posted by: Roger at March 16, 2004 10:20 PMEveryone seemed to like me except the Mum, but still-that's one big hurdle to overcome.
Queen of unsolicited advice here . . . don't bother. Fuck 'er. Sounds as though she has a boatload of issues that have little or nothing to do with you as a person, and everything to do with circumstances beyond your control: you being American. Mr. Y leaving his wife. Her being close to the ex. I say file it all under Things I Can't Do a Damn Thing About and do your level best to ignore her. Chin up, of course.
Posted by: ilyka at March 16, 2004 08:26 PMI know how you both feel. (At least I think I do) My mum and wife hate each others' guts! Very awkward =:-o I have to say there's a reason for all the mother in law jokes! I think the best option with an impossible mother in law is one of containment. Simply avoid her as much as possible and when you have to see her face to face once a year grin and shake hands just like a cold war diplomat. Trying to get along will just lead to blow ups, hard feelings and domestic stress.
The SO's "friends" are much easier. The one liners, as you've discovered, are definitely the way to go. As a Yank living in Australia when I meet new people and tell them "It's not my fault, I didn't vote for Bush... I voted for the guy who won the election" I always get a laugh.
I think the psychology is such that people want to like Americans (because they like our ideals and pop culture) so when they realize (realise) you're not a Christian fundamentalist, war loving, petrol guzzling, execute everyone except abortion clinic bombers lunatic they react extra positively to you.
But the mother in law... fagedda 'bout it!
Posted by: Steve P at March 16, 2004 11:39 AMOda Mae, comment as long as you'd like! Actually, you were the first to comment I should be very understanding and sympathetic-and I was, and it helped immeasurably, I think!
Beatles-this is very shallow, but I only dislike them since one of Kim's very vile exes absolutely adored them. To this day, I cannot hear them without thinking of that utter bitch. Sad, but true. Hey-I never said I was logical! :)
Roger-I think it happened about 5 years ago, and he was finally sentenced and his last appeal denied 2 years ago. He didn't get the death penalty, but life in prison. And-for the record-I support the death penalty. For some, rehabilitation is not possible.
Posted by: Helen at March 16, 2004 11:03 AMI think you did really well!
Took me five years to meet my m-i-l. She had her daughter-in-law, and didn't need any more family.
By the time she finally mellowed and agreed to meet me, by the second visit I was hugged and kissed.
And now, she not only has an extra daughter-in-law, but she has a step-grand-daughter, and step-great-grand-daughter, that she buys presents for!
Times do change, and mothers, well... they're mothers. And that will win out in the end :)
Posted by: melanie at March 16, 2004 10:15 AMIt could have been much, much worse.
his brothers can tell that you make him happy. mum won't be able to see that for a while. give her time. be nice, friendly, pleasant and irresistable. she might come around eventually.
Posted by: becky at March 16, 2004 07:42 AMI'm with Jim on this one. Mum wasn't going to be your best friend on the first night out. But over time she'll see what Y and we all see and that will win out. IT just needs time.
Posted by: Simon at March 16, 2004 06:04 AMYou were incredibly brave! We've all been in an uncomfortable situation like that, but your approaching Mr. Y's Mum was amazing to me - and you probably made some points with her that you otherwise wouldn't. :)
Posted by: pam at March 16, 2004 02:44 AMYeah - what's up with the Beatles hating?
(and Dane - they're not all dead - yet.)
Definitely relieved that this wasn't as bad as it could have been.
I have to say though, can't really expect Mum to come around immediately seeing as how she adored HER and has gone through this kind of hurt, humiliation and pain herself. It's not something you easily forget...and in some cases, ever get over.
I suggest just being you and to be okay with the fact that Mum might not ever accept you. Maybe she will, maybe she won't but if you force yourself on her before she is ready, it will drive her away.
Going up to her at the party was gutsy and I'm proud of you but now you need to let her come to you...if she ever wants to. I hope it works out between you but I also hope it doesn't work its way into the very fiber of your soul and cause damage if she doesn't.
Always be pleasant, don't talk bad about her and know that your actions are being closely monitored even when it appears she isn't looking.
As someone said, she has been put in the middle...and that is not a pleasant place to be. It is up to her to find a way to continue her friendship with HER and be cordial and maybe friendly to you one day.
And finally, someone pointed out a few posts ago that this is adultry and some people might not ever accept that.
I wish you the best of luck, dear Helen and pay attention to what Mr. Y is telling you. He says he chose you because of you...that is going to have to be enough for you right now...maybe forever.
You can't please everyone but know that you have pleased many.
Posted by: Serenity at March 15, 2004 08:30 PMFirst stuff first: Jennifer, my bf hates the Beatles too. It's like a genetic thing, makes him shudder all over. Eh, whatever.
Second and much more important: Helen love, you're in the middle of something that's going to take a long time to solve. The difficulties with acceptance are going to take a while to get past. Slow and steady, honey.
Posted by: Kaetchen at March 15, 2004 07:20 PMThis is why divorce is so undesirable and should only be considered in extreme cases (infidelity or abuse). A divorce 15 or 20 years ago is still causing pain and hardship today.
In the absence of infidelity or abuse, work it out!
Posted by: Solomon at March 15, 2004 07:18 PMHooray! The ice is broken, the worst is behind you. Be gentle with his mother, she wasn't implying YOU'D keep her from her grandchildren. Helen, Helen,Helen, always this need to place yourself in the middle - very Grace Adler of you! ;)
She means that if she's too nice or accepting of you, then her daughter-in-law might be hurt and refuse to give her as much access to the children. A very understandable fear - not a lot of divorces have grandparent visitation clauses.
As to the fact this has happened to her as well - My God, double points for even getting her to talk to you in a civil way! I would have thrown my martini in your face if I was re-living the breakup of my marriage. Just imagine the unresolved painful issues she's dealing with. She must be totally conflicted about supporting her son when he's acting the way his Lothario father did to her. (Not my thoughts, but I'm guessing they're in her head!) She also probably still holds out hope the marriage and the two of them will reconcile.
MAJOR coup in getting her to halfway open up. Don't let Mr. Y get too involved, although it's sweet he wants to help. At your age, you can make the mother your friend. His ex will probably still fill the daughter role for quite a while, so don't push her out of that or let the mother think that's where you're going , or she'll cut you off cold.
As so many of your writers, I have been through some of it before. My father left my mother for a woman ONE year younger than my mom after 33 years of marriage. He'd known her for six weeks, he'd never slept with her, but she'd pursued the HELL out of him - flowers, faxes, copies of the Al-Anon 12 step rules. You know, "Sometimes you have to be selfish to make yourself happy, even if you hurt others" and so forth. Have no doubt, if I EVER run into the old bitch in a dark alley, I will cut out her little Grinch heart with a dull spoon.
My story had a happy ending all around. I swallowed my sheer hatred and told my father I would agree to meet her if he first went to a psychiatrist for a couple of sessions and the doc told me this was the best thing for him. Score! He went to the psych and was diagnosed off the chart clinically depressed, seratonin deficiency, thyroid problem - the doctor put him on massive amounts of lithium and considered in-patient treatment for a short time. That broad played my father like a fiddle and almost succeeded. After three months on medication, he said the whole period felt like a bad dream. He and my mother reconciled after six - the marriage shows major repairs, but it's holding and they're happy together.
Can you see why the Mom's baggage will hold her back for a while? Once you have that bad an experience, as indicated by my diatribe above, it is hard to take yourself out of it and admit that another situation might be different. She's seen her d-in-law, whom she loves, completely shattered by this. I remember my mother kept saying that she'd have to move, that once my father brought HER to town, all of their friends would accept the two of them as a couple and leave my mother out - she'd seen it multiple times before in their group. The mother will feel HUGE obligations to stay loyal to d-in-law, especially if she noticed all his friends and brothers welcoming you without batting an eye. Poor woman, she must be in shock.
Two years ago, I would have disapproved mightily of all this, based solely on watching what my mother went through. But having seen other friends end up very happy with men they met while the man concluded a bad marriage, I accept the fact that not all marriages and breakups are the same. I'm sure Mr. Y's mother will come to the same conclusion.
I'm very proud of you for bearding that lion's den. And the fact that his friends have noticed how happy he is with you should indicate to his mother and family that he's been noticeably unhappy for a long time - until he met you! Once again, sorry to be so wordy, but you have had a LOT to comment on this week! :)
Posted by: Oda Mae at March 15, 2004 06:50 PMhmm, Beatles... hmm how about less music by dead guys. nuff said =)
H,
sounds like the party went ok, I mean a 99.9% acceptance ratio is not too shabby. And that was on a first impression, give a little time for your incredible charm, unstoppable wit, and overall coolness to sink in, I think it will be just like old home week when it comes to those types of gatherings.
Now about vodka, vodka should be like a woman, smooth and taken slowly, oh yeah, it should be icey cold... hmm, ok, not so much like a woman maybe =) Don't know what you have tried, but most of the good vodkas are definitly smooth enough to sip, and hardly tastable if shot, wondering if you didn't get one of the rubbing alcohol knock offs they serve at bars and resturants.
last item, internet connection - can't you just go rent a laptop with a wireless card and drive around till you find someone with a wireless router you can connect to? come on, where is your commitment woman! hehe
Have a great day Helen!
Dane
Posted by: Dane at March 15, 2004 06:13 PMthis whole ordeal has been weighing heavy on mum,s brain for a while now, she,s just handling it the best she knows how. if she greated you with open arm,s she would feel guilty everytime she see,s her grandchildren and has to face their mother. she can,t afford to make the X mad or she may loose some visitation. she is CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE. but time will take care of that.
Posted by: grady at March 15, 2004 04:54 PMOops - I forgot to add that while I don't exactly hate the Beatles, I do totally fail to see why everyone seems to think they were so amazing.
Posted by: Gareth at March 15, 2004 04:53 PMIt sounds like the evening went much better than you were expecting it to (wicked witch of the west aside).
I wouldn't worry too much about her frosty attitude at the moment though. If Y and his brothers like you she's bound to come round sooner or later.
Posted by: Gareth at March 15, 2004 04:50 PMI agree with Roger: some people need killin' (that's slang for "some people need to be killed").
I also agree with the Beatles lovers...what's not to like?
Posted by: Solomon at March 15, 2004 04:33 PMI'd say that all in all, it went well for you.
Posted by: Marie at March 15, 2004 04:14 PMYou hate the Beatles? How could anyone hate the Beatles?
Posted by: Jennifer at March 15, 2004 04:11 PMVery true, Amynah. And I think Mum(is like my Mum) is setting things the way she wants when it comes to the children. It's her criteria and she is indicating the basis for what she will think and feel for the future. And loyalty is warranted because She is the mother of Mum's grandchildren.
Posted by: Roger at March 15, 2004 04:11 PMYou know, it sounds to me like Mom is not sure what to think or feel. There's this problem in feeling a sense of loyalty. In being able to relate to someone's problem. You forget there are two sides. This is so much more about her than it is about you. Just give it time. I'm sure she loves Mr. Y enough to want to love you as well. She just needs to get over being scared.
Posted by: Amynah at March 15, 2004 03:52 PMHelen,
Glad the "audition" went so well. Sounds like a great family and, as mentioned, in time MOM will come around. Just be yourself.
Posted by: jim at March 15, 2004 03:46 PMWell Done!
It took a great amount of courage to approach Y's mum. You get huge bonus points and I'd like to think that on some level you got a few from Y's mum too. Just give her time to realize it.
That sounded like it went quite well! Except for Mom. But even Mom went a whole lot better than she easily could have.
I don't know if it would be better for Y to confront her or not. The thing that is going to bring Mom around to you is you, not Y. I'm thinking that contact is what the two of you need in order for Mom to get to know you and fall in love with you like the rest of us have.
Posted by: Jim at March 15, 2004 03:23 PMsounds like you did very well my dear. it must be killing you not to have internet access!!
Posted by: kat at March 15, 2004 03:05 PMIt sounds like things went as well as, or better than expected. Mum will be a hard sell, as will the kids. Just (try to) relax and be yourself.
On another subject, it was heartbreaking enough to see you're a Stars fan, but you hate the Beatles too?
ACK!!
Dana Delany may regain her place on my list... ;-)
Posted by: Easy at March 15, 2004 02:50 PMThat went well, didnīt it? Good for you... about Mum, I suppose time will patch up things. When you have the time to show you love them and Y, things will fall into place. Again, time will be a cure for some harms...
P.S - no sex this time? ;-).
Y's Mum sounds like a very good person who feels the responsibility of being Mum. Under easier circumstances you two would get along fabulously, I'm sure.
Her sister-in-law's tragic end is painful to read about. How long ago? Not to get on the death penalty issue but that's how I feel about such viscious lunatics; they lose the right to live.
Posted by: Roger at March 15, 2004 02:29 PMCongratulations on making it through such a trial by fire. It sounds like it went relatively well... the Mom... it's not like you can change what happened to her with her ex-husband, or to her sister-in-law. Hopefully she will listen to those around her who saw how wonderful you are, and see for herself how good you and Y are together, and gradually open her heart to you.
Posted by: Reflection at March 15, 2004 02:26 PM