There are some split-ups that are easy (as far as breakups go, anyway)-you don't like each other, in fact, you may hate each other. Someone cheated. Someone lied. Someone broke your heart.
Other breakups are substantially harder. Perhaps there was nothing inherintly wrong to begin with. Perhaps it just became a sea of issues, distance, and the inability to reach out to each other. Maybe it was a solid love built on an unstable platform. Or maybe it simply wasn't the right choice. In the end, all you can do is look at the tattered remains of what once was a relationship and mourn its passing.
Mr. Y and I are both facing moving on after the demise of our previous relationships. We are not only finding what was wrong with our past ones, but what must be looked after in this one, to safeguard it. We also are learning about what we have missed terribly in the past lives we had.
And it's the little things, mingled in with great big chunks of problems. My biggest issue with X Partner Unit was that I simply couldn't talk to him. We didn't have that kind of relationship, and we couldn't grow into one, either. When I tried to break through that sound barrier, no matter how gently I tread, he viewed it as an attack on his manhood. He also (as I have stated previously), had a very scary temper, however I was only exposed to it a handful of times in our marriage.
For Mr. Y, the issues seem a bit more mutable, perhaps due as a function to the length of that relationship. The light went out on the relationship a while ago, and what was left for them was a good companionship but-again-without the ability to talk about things. Now he gets to spend time exploring what he and I have in common, and luckily he is finding that it's more than just good chemistry and great sex.
But this doesn't mean that the guilt has let go. From time to time we both suffer deep pangs of guilt over the stress and pain that are in abundance around us. Guilt which makes us take steak knives to each other in an attempt to ease our pain. We always hurt the ones closest to us, after all. So we do our Itchy and Scratchy routine, stabbing each other with emotional ice picks, and then after the fountains of blood have ceased we beg forgiveness for our stupidity and stubbornness.
For Mr. Y, guilt popped up the other night in bed, as we lay side by side talking about how his ex seems to be moving on.
"I want HER to be happy." he said, and I believed him. "SHE deserves it, and I really honestly don't feel weird about it."
"And what about you?" I asked. "What do you deserve?"
"To be put in prison." he replied softly. Hmm. Doesn't bode well.
But a few days later I know what he meant. The stressful call with X Partner Unit about him cleaning out his closet-and cleaning out our cats-had me feeling terrible. And X Partner Unit jets off to China today, and he told me I could call him before he left if I wanted to, he didn't really care. He would be partying hard all weekend anyway. I could hear him shrugging down the phone, dismissing his soon to be ex-wife, while coldly looking around the house and wondering what other remnants of me he could get rid of. I don't blame him. Really.
And I thought about it and thought about it, and a few times I reached for the phone and got ready to call. But each time I snapped the clamshell lid closed on the mobile, deciding that the best thing for both of us would be to start the process of just letting it all go. And X Partner Unit didn't call me, either.
In the battle for Getting Over the Exes, I am not sure who's winning, X Partner Unit or I.
In a battle like this, maybe there are no victors.
-H.
PS-thank you so much, Kat. I just loved my gift, and it will be joining me in Prague! I am saving up for one of your lucious paintings.
PPS-Broadband internet gets installed Monday!
PPPS-On Saturday we adopted a 4 month old baby. View image
ooo, i adore your haircut!
Posted by: kat at March 30, 2004 02:00 AMYour hair looks great!
Posted by: Heather at March 29, 2004 10:52 PMNo comments? OK, I'll make comments : ) Your new hair cut looks quite stylish! but, you know what? I really liked your long hair, like it was several months back before you got the first cut... anyway, you must please yourself : )
Posted by: Annette at March 29, 2004 10:23 PMSteve-nope, my babies won't be in quarantine. Since they're in the EU already, they don't need to be put through it all. Just rabies testing, then a scary flight :)
My comments section seems much less lively than usual. I think I've lost my touch since moving, perhaps...
Posted by: Helen at March 29, 2004 08:40 PMCall me crazy, but that guy looks much older than 4 months. Is he one of those rapidly aging alien babies that becomes fully mature within days rather than years? And did you really need to adopt him? Apparently he already has his license:)
Ted: What are you talking about?!? It takes too much effort to try to resolve an argument before going to bed. So does putting anyone besides yourself first. I'm just not sure what to make of this kind of thinking. Wait a minute, yes I am....two thumbs up!...WAY UP!!!
Posted by: Solomon at March 29, 2004 06:27 PMWhy Helen, I think you're just spoofing me, LOL .... hmm, I rather like your longer hair... and the person in the pic seems to be without hair : )
Posted by: Annette at March 29, 2004 04:12 PMI've some experience in long-term and difficult relationships (coming up on 25 years), and Helen pegged it with 'communication' and 'friendship'. You have to like someone to stay happy, and 'like' isn't the same as 'love'.
We have two rules: 1 - nobody goes to bed mad. Doesn't matter if it takes all night, you never go to sleep pissed off at each other. 2 - never threaten divorce or leaving each other. When you're in the middle of a fight, you'll say hateful things to hurt each other, and rule 2 is where we draw the line. That's something to be discussed seriously, not shouted at each other in fury or spite.
One more thing that works for us: each of us wants what's best for the other - always. Simple concept, but difficult in practice.
YMMV. :)
Posted by: Ted at March 29, 2004 01:58 PMAny chance of sending the new baby around the world and if so me first!
Posted by: Simon at March 29, 2004 01:35 PMWill the poor cats be in quarantine for 6 months?!
I know the UK is ridicuously strict/paranoid about rabies.
We brought our cats over to Australia from the States. We were careful to have all the titre (rabies anti-body tests) and vacines done at the required intervas so they'd "only" have to stay in quarintine for a month. We were so stressed out worry about them surviving the 20 hour flight - e.g. that they'd panic get dehydrated etc etc but they were o.k. They acted tense and different for a few months but the stress was alot better than leaving them. It was worth ever penny of the 3-4K in permit fees, vet bills, quarintine costs and airfare! I joke about it now and say that the cats got to fly over on Quantas but I got stuck on United :-/
Seriously though, it makes me really angry that all these illegal immigrants are allowed in but they add all these expenses and hardships for animals. I mean who's more likely to blow up your plane or give you a disease? A human or a cat?!!!
Posted by: Steve P at March 29, 2004 01:19 PMHelen here.
From the library.
Again.
Bad news-the broadband will take another two weeks to hook up, but the good news is, I have a home phone line now!
The car is indeed a lovely Alfa, but that's not Mr. Y by the car, it's me (Mr. Y wouldn't wear my sparkly heart T-shirt, you see.) :)
What does it take to make a relationship? Here's my recipe:
Communication
Passion
Chemistry
Deep friendship
Trust
The ability to eat off each other's plate
Respect
Works so far.
And the cats will indeed be coming to join me, although it will take about 5-6 months to clear UK rules for quarantine. I can't wait.
-Off to chop off the rest of my hair now!-
Posted by: Helen at March 29, 2004 10:10 AMHelen, what's going to happen to the cats? Are they coming to live with you?
Posted by: wench at March 29, 2004 03:38 AMwhat a sweet baby! ;-)
break-ups are hard. icky. painful. in my experience they've never been clean-cut. cheesey as it sounds, time helps...and good lovin helps too.
Posted by: kat at March 29, 2004 03:26 AMNice car! Looks like a comfortable ride! And is that your dear Mr. Y standing proudly next to the car?
Posted by: Annette at March 29, 2004 03:18 AMAn Alfa?!?! Helen, you don't need a therapist, you need a good mechanic who will listen to your problems!
To be fair, the last Alfa I drove was a 1980 Spyder. A wonderful engine, it made the most delicious sounds, but it was served up in the worst combination of fake/chromed/plastic/wood interior parts I have ever seen in any car. I'm hope they have gotten their act together on all that by now. Honestly, aside from the various bits shaking off and falling on your legs at every bump, it was a fun car to drive.
If nothing else it looks much more serious than the bug, people might even move over when the see you in the mirror, and even more important you can tell the front from the back =)
Be good =)
Dane
Posted by: Dane at March 29, 2004 01:03 AMHelen, hereīs what your post got me thinking...
What does really make a relation work out? Considering mine, I wonder. Love helps, it does, but still...
Angels in America was on stage here, some years ago. One of the best plays I ever saw. Truly a good memory.
Long live broadband!
THE coolest car! Drove one when it came out here, really breath-taking. Didnīt quite picture you like the Italian car type of person.
You surprise me in a lot of ways. And also, this is the last time I "comment" with just one drink to many on me... lol. Miguel.
You've struck a nerve here. As a child of divorce, I vowed never to do that to my kids.
As an adult, things look different.
Just learn from the past. Don't live in it. And you'll be OK.
By the way...I just LOVE the baby! She's adorable! I'm not sure who she resembles most...
Posted by: Easy at March 28, 2004 10:12 PMthe amount of guilt one person can feel never ceases to amaze me. after six years my hubby still feels it - for "what he did to his kids".
I don't think he feels guilt over his ex anymore. time has enabled him to see that it took two. not just one, to end their marriage.
but the good news is, it doesn't suffocate him anymore.
I'm sure you and Mr Y will work through this :)