I have always hurt myself.
Always.
As far back as I can remember, I would do things to myself, and for my entire life (up until last year, anyway), it was my dirty little secret that I never once told anyone about. Not even Kim. No one.
In my 8mm black and white viewing of my childhood, one of the things I do remember is pulling out my hair. Eyelashes. Hair on my head. Later pulling out arm hairs and being embarrassed about people being able to see the hair on my arm, I would wear sweaters even in the summer.
This progressed over time to bigger, deeper things. I remember as a pre-teen and teenager, I would walk into the kitchen, take out the enormous skillet that we used to toast the most perfect grilled cheese sandwiches in the world, and I would whack my arms with it, in the space between the elbow and the wrist. I would always do the top of the arm, and the amount of strokes varied with the stress and anguish I was feeling. More stress? More whacks.
I never told anyone.
As I got older, things got dicier. Whacking my arms with kitchen utensils just wasn't cutting it.
So I got to cutting it.
Razors became the weapon of choice, small nicks and cuts to my arms that would only satisfy me once they bled. When the thin horizon of red showed up on the pale arms, immediately my stress vanished and my work was done. The blood welling up was a throbbing reminder of what pain was supposed to feel like, how emotions could be real and concrete and could be handled. I am lucky that I have very few scars, actually. Only three or four, tiny Chinese noodle like marks up and down my arm.
And then, as I have written here, I further devolved into burning myself. Always on my hands. And always to the point that it would leave an angry red welt, which I would harass and mitigate with irritation so that it would leave an angry scar in a way that I could explain away. I fell on a barbecue grill. I got it taking cookies out of the oven. A candle fell over.
And this doesn't include the other punishments I put myself through-alcohol, laxatives, starvation. I tried it all (with the exception of drugs. Being an addictive personality, I saw all kinds of levels of that going wrong.)
My therapist mentioned that I seem to be the one person in the world that hates me the most. I think he's right. He also said that I was someone who seems so inordinately hell-bent on self-destruction that intervention would be the only way to save myself.
In other words: seek help, or become a statistic.
Now there's an auspicious beginning.
Self-mutilation seems to be the hip mental illness to have, the ADD of the 90's, the cocaine glamour of the 80's. It's more and more common, and the truth is, I don't think it should be. It's not cool to cut yourself. It's not ok that the warblings of basic teen angst, that time in life when we all suffered, is to whip out a razor and shrug it off. What it really is, is a sign that something is horribly and terribly wrong. I had a conversation with a fellow blogger dear to me that hurt themselves to prove they were invincible. I didn't really follow that path-the truth is, I have the worst confidence and self-esteem in the world. When I hear that I seem "full of myself", I just think: you don't know me at all.
I don't think there's one single reason why I hurt myself, more like a collection. I could never talk about my problems with anyone, I just buried them and moved on, but they lay there like a prickly starfish just beneath the surface anyway, begging me to pay attention to them. In order to not talk about how I felt, I would give myself a physical pain to focus on instead. See? I would tell myself. This is what pain should really feel like. This is pain, not that mamby-pamby shit that you think you are dealing with. Grow the fuck up and get over it.
I think I also did it in order to feel something. I often find myself in situations in which I should feel extraordinary happiness or sadness, and instead I feel nothing. Your beloved grandfather dies? Stop crying as you drive out of the cemetary. Stop thinking about it. Make it go away.
It's not because I am a socio-path and can't feel anything. It's because I don't let myself feel something. If it can't touch me, it can't hurt me.
My therapist and I were working on what causes me to treat myself like a human pincushion when I moved to England, and I am now working on getting a new therapist. At the very base of me, deep in the most horrible and hidden parts of me, something in me hates myself so wildly that all I seek to do is implode. Mr. Y has a hard time accepting what I've done to myself, and the reason he's told me is that he can't stand to see me in pain, to hurt myself, to cause myself angst.
The truth is, the pain causes peace of mind, but I can see his point.
Helen is still broken, and maybe always will be.
But I am staying away from the oven just now, anyway. And that's gotta' mean something.
-H.
PS-Karen, thank you so much for the wonderful book! I can't wait to read it!
PPS-Haircut on the sidebar.
Posted by Everydaystranger at March 30, 2004 07:57 AM | TrackBackawww, Helen, sweetie - 30 was definitely the worst birthday. I cried the whole day long. 40 was liberating and 50 was better.
Your short hair looks great.
Find a therapist fast. I feel like I could be your older (much older) big sister, and I want to make sure you take care of yourself.
Happy Birthday - Mr. Y is there - you have your dream job - nothing can stop you now!
Marie and Laura-you're in good company. And I think you're both brave for admitting it here. And I am here to vent to, if you need to.
Kaetchen-I feel a bit weird about turning 30, but not burn-worthy of it. Now, when I turn 40, then we may have an issue :)
Roger-sorry, I misunderstood. And about the masturbation/self-abuse? Yup. Definitely been there. And like I could quit! :)
Solomon-I totally lack self-worth. That's for sure.
Tiffani-GREAT NEWS! I am so happy for you (and thanks for putting it in my comments, since I have been wondering, and have had almost no internet time!) Party time for you!
Posted by: Helen at March 31, 2004 05:54 AMNo Helen, I mean I really understand how it feels to actually get relief from seeing the blood let and feeling the ensuing physical pain . I struggle, the same as you with this...I really, ummm, for lack of better words... feel your pain and understand it. That's all. I've Never utter these words before.
Posted by: Marie at March 31, 2004 02:10 AMHelen, I was referring to Jim's nicely worded reference to after puberty 'self abuse' (you've heard masturbation termed this way?); made me laugh and remember early disinformation I had to get past about human sexuality. There is nothing meaner than giving a kid bad information about sex; better no information at all and let Mother Nature teach us.
Solomon, I follow your distinction, it's just that Merriam-Webster online points self-worth to self-esteem which has two defs as you say. And as you, Melanie and Kaetchen point out, Helen, her commentors and many other bloggers 'do not think more highly of themselves than they ought to think' and it is good to think of ourselves as valuable as we are. But you can spot the other type; the hoity-toity ones who feel the need to abuse a waiter/waitress or an employee, and most politicians:-), etc.
And Helen, whenever someone pushes a Christian tract at me, I often ask for a whole Bible instead because that is what they should be doing. Good people will give you one and this is one way to tell. I've sat and watched in a college town the tract-hander/student interactions and it is amazing how many people cannot refuse to accept a tract. Young men full of piss and vinegar even take it but usually throw it in the trash in sight of the tract-hander; others wait till their around the corner or on the bus. It can be quite comical.
Posted by: Roger at March 30, 2004 11:34 PMI agree strongly with melanie that bloggers tend to represent a population that has a little more damage than average. If nothing else, we're certainly more willing to *talk* about our failures - even if it's only to strangers.
What I wonder, H, is what got you thinking about this again, two days before your 30th birthday. What's up that you're reviewing this stuff?
Posted by: Kaetchen at March 30, 2004 09:48 PMHelen: I don't perceive you as an "I'm better than others" person, but you used the term self-esteem in your post, and that term denotes putting one's self first or higher. Everyone talks about wanting, needing, or having good self-esteem, but what I think we need is good self-worth (each of us is extremely valuable) and even better others-esteem.
It may be splitting hairs (which I can ill afford to do:), but I think it's worth mentioning.
Posted by: Solomon at March 30, 2004 08:14 PMI understand this post all too well. I'm glad to hear you're staying away from the oven. I'm keeping my nails short (they grow to be surprisingly sharp little fuckers). I know what you mean when you talk about how the physical pain as a focus and the not letting yourself feel things. No words of advice, just understanding.
On a lighter note, i am a big fan of the hair :) Very cute!
Miguel - I do that too with the shower.
Helen,
I think your face is what makes your hair so lovely. No matter the style.
P.S. My tests came back negative.
Posted by: Tiffani at March 30, 2004 07:16 PMYeah, I think I will grow it out long next, to see the contrast. Then decisions to be made!
Paul-I just love the Easy Bake oven. Love it.
Solomon-no way do I like being "elevated" above others. The responsibility that that implies is overwhelming. I prefer to just be and admire others around me. People astound me.
Jim, Marie, Rebecca, MSD, and Roger (and anyone I missed!)-I'm not saying pain is bad. A little candle wax during a little sex is a great thing. But pain can be an issue when you use it to avoid any other feelings. Roger, my lovely-when they push those pamphlets in my hands, I always show them my scars and walk away. Works wonders :)
Posted by: Helen at March 30, 2004 06:40 PMWell Jim put it succinctly;-) One God-given gift of life that no one has yet figured out a way to make us pay them for it. Of course killjoy folks can shove a stupid anti-"self-abuse" pamphlet in our hands; "Here, read this." (said in quiet solemnity) when we are young and impressionable. But the real God has a way around that; approximately 10 days later and you wake up in the morning Pow! Pow! and your body IS truly abusing itself! After immediately studying some pertinent physiology, learned it is like muscles; needs exercise to keep strong and fit. To hell with folk's mystical god. There for a bit they had me thinking life was going to be hell.
Posted by: Roger at March 30, 2004 05:18 PMSome people get some pleasure out of a little pain. Let me explain: in the shower, if I get the water really hot on my belly or the opposite part of my elbow (whats´ that called?...), after the burn comes a strange sense of pleasure. Weird, I know. Could never really explain it.
Hair can grow back, but you look great still. Miguel.
So glad you're still here with us. Especially for the stories you share. May we all learn a little something from them.
Hair looks great! You're way braver than I...
Posted by: Rebecca at March 30, 2004 03:53 PMH,
I was one of the biggest opponents to the short hair direction but damn! You look great!
Please keep away from the stove, luv. I will send you an Easy Bake Oven for your birthday. Think of it as a Nicoderm patch. Besides, you and Y could make some wonderful treats for afternoon tea.
In case I miss the big day:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, little flame!
We are all better people for still having you with us!
Posted by: Paul at March 30, 2004 03:28 PMwell, since I could never grow my hair out and look good... and Helen can.... I must have been admiring her long hair for that reason : )
Others have pretty much expressed my feelings on self-mutilation... time to get a grip and live life.. live life to please oneself, not to please others... have a strong self-image!
Posted by: Annette at March 30, 2004 03:24 PMSadly, I completely understand this post. But on a happier note, you look marvelous!
Posted by: Marie at March 30, 2004 03:14 PMdarlin, if i'm not broken (and i just decided that i'm not) then you are not broken either. no way jose. just keep loving yourself, treating yourself like the precious goddess you are, and things will get better.
and i must say, you have the cutest nose on the planet! i just want to eat it up! :-)
Posted by: kat at March 30, 2004 02:10 PMYou mentioned self esteem, but it seems that you (indeed all of us) really need self worth. They're not the same. Self worth is to acknowledge that one's life is valuable and worth living. Self esteem (by its very definition) is to elevate one's opinion of himself. Can one have self worth without self esteem? Absolutely. It's called humility.
I think we should have more self worth and less self esteem. When we esteem others rather than ourselves and they do the same, we end up with a really caring and considerate society. When we esteem others as more important than ourselves, they often (not always) reciprocate.
Who wouldn't want to be surrounded by people who think you're more important than they are? That would promote all kinds of selfless, wonderful, giving actions.
Posted by: Solomon at March 30, 2004 01:58 PMLong hair is always the ultimate goal. That said, you look great in short too. This trim really shows off the oriental in your face, especially your eyes. Can't go wrong there.
Heh - I said "trim". That was cool.
I used to cut myself too. Not to cause pain or punish myself, but because it was so cool to be able to slice off skin without it hurting. I think it started after I saw a spy movie where one of the guys removed the pads of his fingers with a razor to obscure the fingerprints and make them more sensitive for safe cracking. I tried it and holy shit if it didn't work. Sometimes I'd mess it up and I'd have a nasty razor cut of various depth but boys are always cutting themselves up on stuff so it never attracted any attention.
This continued basically until puberty when I found more entertaining things to do with my private time.
Posted by: Jim at March 30, 2004 01:45 PMShorterer and shorterer - lookin good there H.
Posted by: Rob at March 30, 2004 01:38 PMHope you enjoy the book. Happy birthday.
Posted by: Karen at March 30, 2004 01:34 PMEasy, one day I will convert you to being a Stars fan. I swear it's my mission in life!
Posted by: Helen at March 30, 2004 12:55 PMI'm not crazy about the hair, but I'm sure glad that damned Stars sweater is gone!!!
I have no comment about the self-mutilation. Don't think one is necessary. It sounds like you're aware of the problem, and trying to get help. I'm sure that just airing it out is a catharsis.
(I guess that was a comment, eh? Oh well. Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.)
Posted by: Easy at March 30, 2004 12:43 PMNope Gudy-Anette didn't like it either.
I am still getting used to it, myself. I love my hair when it's long since I think it looks good, but I have a big round Asian face that doesn't take to long hair well, and I HATE fussing with my hair, I usually wind up with it in a ponytail. So why bother with long hair?
Posted by: Helen at March 30, 2004 12:39 PMI totally agree with Mr. Y's view on this. Watching someone dear to me in such pain, or hurting themselves, would drive me crazy.
And apparently I'm the only one around here who doesn't like your new haircut.
Posted by: Gudy at March 30, 2004 11:26 AMGreat haircut - maybe you should just leave the cutting to just the hair. Give the rest of your body a break.
Posted by: Simon at March 30, 2004 10:25 AMOne more thing, next camera gets a timer, Helen learns how to use it. That way every pic you post doesn't have your left shoulder trying to figure out how to be in the shot while still holding the camera! your poor left shoulder =)
Dane
Posted by: Dane at March 30, 2004 08:16 AMI knew one other person that hurt themselves, her motives were similar, it made her feel SOMETHING. when lifes events left her with nothing but crossed signals it was the one reality she could bank on, that, and our arguing. Fights it seemed were the other thing that gave her a sense of realism, of being alive, that someone cared enough to not just placate her and would actually take the effort to fight about something, anything made her feel cared for. The unfortunate part is that me, being the sensitive type, took it all very personally, and it tore me apart. In hindsight I suppose it was better than her hurting herself, but somehow I doubt it was really a good thing for either of us in the long run.
Love the hair Helen, then again I am a bad source on that, I think you look totally hot regardless of the hairstyle, or even without hair. How about it? EverydayBaldStranger? hehehe
Dane
Posted by: Dane at March 30, 2004 08:12 AMyou know... I think that amongst bloggers (the ones I read, anyway) it's probably fairly common to be insecure, and a little nutty.
We just seem to be strong and stable because we're out there for everyone to see!