The lunch with Mr Y's Dad and Stepmum was a bit stressful and a bit surreal, but overall it went well. We had a long drive out to their place, and when we got there I was flabbergasted.
Holy cow.
I was nowhere near financially equipped to understand and relate to people on this level. Their home was beautifully renovated, a house I would put at about late 1700's. I felt utterly inadequate, and more than a little bit scruffy, even though I was turned out nicely in a nice sweater and skirt, and Melanie's necklace. I was relieved that Mr. Y, looking very handsome in a Gap shirt and jeans, was not concerned with the trappings of wealth, and was reassuring and kind.
Mr. Y's father-with whom he has a strained relationship-was similar to Mr. Y in many ways-common interests, same jokes and digs, similar builds. It makes Mr. Y uncomfortable to hear this, I think, but then I also get squirmy when I am told I am like my dad, so maybe we are more in common than we both think. His father and mother busted up when he was 12, when his father left his mother for his younger, foreign (New Zealander) girlfriend.
History repeating itself, or are we all subject to the whims of our fates?
But Mr. Y's father was nice, and his Stepmum, while a bit reserved, was apparently no more so than she usually is. She was kind to me, and I saw her regarding me frequently. Perhaps we can be friends, since we have much in common? Perhaps she views me negatively? Perhaps I am even more common than the background she came from?
Wandering through their house, I saw a picture in their sitting room of Mr. Y's ex-wife on their wedding day, the picture blurred out as photographers do, to show soft edges. She looks young and fresh in the picture (I am not having a go at Her, I think we all look younger and fresher 15 years ago than we do now.)
And I was struck inside with a feeling of weirdness.
I was walking around in a home that She had vacationed in. That She was (is) a part of, a family member in. I am an outsider, a new person, and always will be, I think.
I doubt they'll take that picture down-they expect that I know the score, that I have been fully briefed on the situation, and should be a grown-up about it. And that's fine, I can be.
But I sure don't want to go into their sitting room for a while.
The ghosts stayed with me. Going to Scotland, where it was 17 years ago that Mr. Y proposed to his ex-wife. Also in Scotland, where he thought about his other long term relationship before his ex-wife, where he had a very special trip there with the first girl.
We are not new to each other in terms of the love field-I have a past, he has a past, they're things to deal with. I know that sometimes Mr. Y feels uncomfortable about Kim, and I can understand-how can you compete with a dead man? How can you ever be secure of their memory, when you can't be secure in them?
Picture and visits aside, I was handling it all well, up until the end. When we were headed back to the Glasgow airport, I dug into the trunk of the car to stash our candy in the suitcase. Unusually, I found it locked. So I turned to Mr. Y and asked him the code.
He replied the 3 digits, and I thought about the 3 digits.
It hit me what they were.
His wedding anniversary.
Then there were rolls of weirdness, and a wariness of a stupid Samsonite that I am constantly aware of. It's ridiculous-there are many things in his daily life that he had with Her. There are gifts from Her. There are constant reminders, just as he faces in return-I have many things from X Partner Unit. But that suitcase did me in, had me feeling awkward in ways I couldn't reach into myself for, and I can only think this: some things will take time to stop feeling weird about. It will take some time, but sensitivities will (I hope!) start to decrease. This is one of those things.
That, and I hope to god that he will change the code soon.
Anway, as promised, some pictures (isn't Scotland-and Mr. Y-lovely?):
The beautiful Highlands. View image
My dream summer home. View image
I clean up after being dirty. View image
Mr. Y and I, just after a ski-lift ride :) View image
My piper in Edinburgh. View image
-H.
PS-Jennifer is fantastic. I got this book today and I laughed my ass off-thanks, precious, it was a laugh much needed!
So glad you received and like the book! I think it is hilarious! What cute chickens.
Posted by: Jennifer at April 16, 2004 08:09 PMSee, here's the thing: that part of his life will never, ever go away. Neither will the bits of yours that pre-date him. And you don't want to shove any of that down, because it's part of what makes you both who you are. The trick is picking which bits to retain. It will likely always cause him pain that his marriage didn't work - just as it will always be hard for you to have lost Kim. *That doesn't detract from what you build together.* In my mind, if anything, it adds to the possibility of you creating a life, because you know yourselves so much better.
It's all good, in other words.
Posted by: Kaetchen at April 16, 2004 06:45 PMI shoud be the personal photographer of you and Mr.Y. I'd do a good job!
Posted by: Marie at April 16, 2004 02:41 AMNow that loox like 1ne sweet vacation you went on little lady. Enjoy.
Posted by: Curator at April 16, 2004 01:52 AMI understand totally about Kim though... I too have a dead man in my past (that sounds awful), but there isn't any way to "get over" that. a living person you're not with is proof that you're where you want to be. (sort of)
love the summer dream home, and the bubble bath :)
and *she* will vanish, bit by bit. my *she* is just about non-existant now. and I don't really care anymore, either.
time works wonders :)
PS. Nice, um, tub. Really. ::kisses::
Posted by: Carlene at April 15, 2004 09:52 PMHey, where is Luuka? When do I get Luuka? LUUUUUUUKKKAAAA!
Posted by: Carlene at April 15, 2004 09:51 PMlol.."Mr Y gets jealous of Kim"...that's the ONE guy you can't cheat on him with!
(I know, I know that's not what you meant, but it is the basis for the jealously! )
Looks like you had a great trip, I just got back from Dallas myself...lots of sun, nice zoo, Galleria is under re-construction, and of course, the ghosts of Helen are everywhere!!
Posted by: jimi at April 15, 2004 07:26 PMHow lovely you and Y are. I dream of again visiting Scotland, my husband and I were married there on 10/31/03, and I feel so close to him when I see photo's of Scotland. You look so in love and my suggestion would be to make a few anniversaries of your own. The day you started your new life. The day you started your new job. The day you realize that he is in love with you for who you are and not remembering any "numbers" associated with anyone other than you.
You are the person he has chosen and you are worthy.
Sweet pictures of Scotland!! I'm taking my daughters there someday, God willing.
Since you two are as frequent as rabbits (we should all be so lucky:) and birth control is only 96% (or less) effective, shouldn't you hammer out the "children" issue sooner than later? Plus you don't want to endure the hardships of joining the family if it's not the right family to be in.
What's worse than being 30, wanting a child, and not having one? Being 33, 35, 39, 43,..., wanting a child, and not having one. You may not want one this very minute, but you should come to a 100% agreement if it will occur and roughly when.
Don't you agree? Otherwise you might find yourself 32 or more and having to start over or give up the dream of children. Both seem excruciatingly undesirable.
Posted by: Solomon at April 15, 2004 05:01 PMThat's so funny, I thought Y would have dark hair too! Funny how you imagine people in your head. You are a lovely looking couple!
I understand completely the feeling of weirdness you feel. Whenever I visit my fiance's family and see pictures of his ex wife, I get a little winded too. Here's hoping the weirdness diminishes with time. ;)
Posted by: Rebecca at April 15, 2004 04:55 PMYou look very happy in the pics. Im glad we could see Mr. Y. With face recognition software we shall have his identity in no time ;)
Posted by: Drew at April 15, 2004 04:24 PMOh - and thanks for the picture of Y - it's nice to put a face to the name - even if both of you are sporting a JF'ed look...
Posted by: Clancy at April 15, 2004 04:19 PMNumbers are numbers. Those memories represent 17 years of Mr. Y’s life. That chapter may be closed now, but it made him who he is today. In a weird way, you owe “her” gratitude for not only shaping him, but in making those choices that ultimately brought him to you.
You don’t want to deny Mr. Y those memories. Just like you wouldn’t want him to deny you memories of Kim.
If you get a chance, go catch “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” when it comes around. Aside from being a cool movie, I may just hit a chord with you...
Posted by: Clancy at April 15, 2004 04:09 PMhow nice to finally see mr y after so long! you two make such a cute couple!
my atm card passcode was my ex's birthday for so long. i didn't change it til i needed to change my bank account. it seemed silly to change it otherwise. but when i did change it, it felt rather good.
oh, and what a sexy bubble bath picture, you hot mama you!
Posted by: kat at April 15, 2004 12:30 PMMr Y doesnt have dark hair, he does is my head!
Helen, it is time that he spent living another life that makes you feel wierd, and it is time together which will give you a past and stop the weirdness. Sorry, not very elloquent as usual but i am sure you get the idea!
As for the book - i have seen it and it is fab!
Abs x
the past haunts us sometimes, doesn't it? i have a classic pooh that i was convinced to keep (rather than give to a baby) by my ex, to whom i had given a larger matching pooh named Bear that had also once been supposedly destined for someone else's kid. then we broke up. the little bear is with me, but sometimes when i look at him I think... what's happened to Bear? I can't picture my ex with Bear still on his bed... I'm sure he got rid of him. Is he somewhere rotting in a landfill? Was he donated to Goodwill?
Posted by: reflection at April 15, 2004 08:55 AMNo wonder Mr Y is grinning like a Chesire cat. Lucky b*ast*rd
Posted by: Simon at April 15, 2004 07:02 AMI gotta go with Jim and Gymrat, numbers are just numbers, my personal favorite for computer passwords is car lic plates. It makes checking into hotels easier too =)
and DAMN those bubbles!!!
Dane
Posted by: Dane at April 15, 2004 06:08 AMHelen,
The traces of her will gradually become lighter and lighter and eventually almost disappear.
And yes, both Y and Scotland are, indeed lovely.
Oh, so are you!
...we have walked the same streets in many ways, Helen... Glasgow.. Edinburgh... Glencoe.. Skye.. and, heartbreak... but, being "common" is a state of mind, babe... I'm a Hillbilly from way back, and I never felt intimidated by new ways.. or new Gentry.. we are all important.... be proud of your heritage.. you are a star...
Posted by: Eric at April 15, 2004 01:36 AMThe pictures are beautiful!
Posted by: Sue at April 14, 2004 08:34 PMBeautiful photos! I like your taste in homes, too.
Posted by: dawn at April 14, 2004 08:09 PMI like your taste in homes!
Don't fret overmuch on the luggage, H. It's been that code since he first bought it and he'll never even think of changing it unless you point it out. He doesn't think of his anniversary when he unlocks it, he thinks of 3 numbers.
I've got a briefcase with a combination that is the birthday of a girlfriend from highschool. It's just the way guys are - we use those numbers so we can remember them if we need to but they don't mean anything more than numbers to us.
Posted by: Jim at April 14, 2004 07:55 PMDamn bubbles....
Posted by: gymrat at April 14, 2004 07:50 PM