Last night Mr. Y and I went for dinner with Y's Mum, Stepfather, brother Alex and his wife Terry, in order to celebrate Y's birthday with his family.
I was terrified.
It took me-and I am not exaggerating-5 attempts at picking the right shirt, flinging pastel Easter-egg colored ones on the bed with each attempt before finally settling on the first shirt I had tried on anyway-before we could leave the house.
And we were running late since we'd decided to have sex before we went.
I am so totally the younger-woman temptress, eh?
Anyway, driving down there I played "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" (nice chilled out music) while he drove. We were both nervous, wondering how it would go. We finally made it-only half an hour late-to a very nice Indian restaurant outside of Guildford.
We walked in-I had taken Mr. Y's hand, but he had let it go as we reached the glass doors. There were the uber-jury, drinking glasses of wine and chatting.
Gulp.
Y's Mum stood up, and smiled at me. "Hello Helen." she said straight away. "How are you?"
Wow. Talk about a complete turn-around. I smiled nervously back, pleased. "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?"
And so the evening began. We settled in around the table, me next to Mr. Y and across from Mum and Stepdfather, and Alex and Terry at the end of the table. There was much talk, general interest in lives, and Alex and I talked about telecoms for a while as well. There was a moderate amount of ribbing at my American background (more on that tomorrow), but everyone was very nice, friendly, and welcoming.
Made me wonder what I'd done the last time we met to make things ok now, if anything.
There was no mention of Mr. Y's ex, only a few questions about his children (whom Mr. Y is off this weekend to go visit), and then basically questions about work, home, how things are, and a bit of talk about the past (in which Helen tried to pay attention, but simply couldn't. Hard to follow when they're discussing people they were born and raised with!)
Mr. Y was clearly uncomfortable with any kind of physical contact with me, although I was desperate for some kind of sign of affection (sound the pathetic alert, please)-he rubbed my knee under the table and once touched my shoulder with his elbow, but beyond that he was jumpier than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
He promises to work on that.
That's good, since Tactile is my middle name.
At the end of it, full of biriani and Cobra, we all hugged and Mr. Y and I are invited to Alex and Terry's house next weekend, which we will attend. Mum and Stepfather were very kind (although a few times they called me Helena, not sure what that's about). I have to wonder-are they being nice to me out of resignation? Are they being kind since I have shown that I am not the very definition of evil that Mr. Y's ex had possibly painted me to be? Or is it just that maybe they like me a little bit, and think I am ok?
I don't know. All I know is I survived the evening and actually had a nice time.
Sometimes, things even surprise me.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at April 22, 2004 12:48 PM | TrackBackYou don't make a fuss when Mr. Y has so many things to work upon yet? Funny, when i kinda avoided meeting my firlfriend's friends, she wasn't so understanding... :-) Had to work on that in a hurry.
By the way, i think the "biriani" is more commonly spelt as "biryani".
yay for happy surprises. i wish you many more. xoxoxo
Posted by: kat at April 23, 2004 02:05 AMAs far as Mum goes, I would think it is a combination of all the things which is not all bad. Especially 2 out of three are excellent reflections on you while the other is the natural evolution of acceptance. Can't comment on Mr Y's reluctance since I and most of my family are huggers and touchers.
I was stationed with the British Army for three years (yes archi went to a British kindergarten and had a perfect "english" accent..oops I digress) and the vast majority were uncomfortable with public shows of affection. Just some thoughts from an old.......
Posted by: greyheadedstranger at April 22, 2004 05:26 PMOh goodness. I understand the need for tactile, especially in a situation like that. I'm thrilled it went well for you. Hopefully they see that you're only human too, and are willing to give you a chance. That's what it seems like to me. :)
Posted by: Talia at April 22, 2004 05:20 PMThe family situation is going to take time. It took my in-laws several years to start being nice to me, although I had help from my brother-in-law (my wife's sister's husband). He showed them just how badly their daughters could do, and made me look great by comparison. *LOL*
The initial frost was probably due to the loss of Y's wife from the family. I know that my sister would be devastated if I were to divorce my wife. They are great friends. But I also know that she would eventually accept it, and anyone else that I brought into my life.
Just keep in mind that they act the way they do out of their love for Y. Once they see that you share it with them, things will be better. And once Y realizes that things are OK, he'll be better.
But as Kaetchen pointed out, it also may be that he's uncomfortable with any kind of tactile contact around his family. Perhaps this is something you to should discuss between bouts of vigorous sexual activity ;-)
Posted by: Easy at April 22, 2004 04:59 PMI empathize with Y on the touching with family present. It still gives me the willies to have anybody touch me in front of the fam. Feels wrong somehow. Tuesday night Le Coq rubbed my back briefly in front of my dad. Ack! Contact!
Glad to know that things are going better for you with his family, though. That makes so many things easier!
Posted by: Kaetchen at April 22, 2004 04:42 PMEver seen 'Boxing Helena'? Let's hope this wasn't a Freudian slip...
Posted by: kyle at April 22, 2004 03:49 PMAbs-stalk away! :)
Zeno-actually that pic was taken outside of the castle in Prague. Looks very Scottish behind me, huh?
Drew-I fear you may be right. Stress on the "fear".
Posted by: Helen at April 22, 2004 02:40 PMWhen the good comes, enjoy it as much a you can comrade.
L8rs.
Posted by: Curator at April 22, 2004 02:37 PMs the new picture taken outside Cameron House?
Posted by: zeno at April 22, 2004 02:27 PMGuildford huh? i was in Hindhead for work this week - i am going to be your stalker at this rate!
As someone whos 'in laws' took 6 years to accept i can say with true feeling i know how hard it is.
Please remember though Helen having their like and approval is simply icing on the cake and something that would make life and social occasions easier. if they find it hard or are unwilling to try then it is their loss.
I am sure it will all work out in the end.
good luck as always
abs x
Congrats on a fabulous dinner! Meetings like that are always nerve-wracking in general, but with all of the rumours and crap like that, you're so much stronger than I would have been!
I'm so glad everything went well.
Its a trap...trap a tell ya.
Some people take time to accept change. This may be one of those situations.
Posted by: Drew at April 22, 2004 01:56 PMwell you got further into the family than I have in over five years! well done! :)
Posted by: melanie at April 22, 2004 01:27 PMGlad it turned out so nicely. I was reading the post waiting for another shoe to drop. Glad it didn't ;)
Posted by: Rebecca at April 22, 2004 01:21 PM