My hotmail account has given up its will to live not because it's full, but because somehow I have been found by the spammers.
They found me.
After nearly a year of being on the lam, my virginal hotmail account has been targeted, encroached upon, and totally and thoroughly screwed. I know I can fix this with some filters, etc, but the truth is, I have gone right off the account, and here's why: porn.
That's right.
Now, in general I can find spam pretty funny. I don't generally open it, but I get a grin when I see, in the subject line, a macro gone horrible wrong:
"Subject: Onnee stopp johhnnny sshhop ffixxin' shop"
Right.
But I have been hit by the porn spammers, and while I am actually not interested in hot nubile teenage Russians, how to cure male pattern baldness, or in how to extend my member size, I at least have a sense of humor when it comes to the receiving of spam. It annoys me but doesn't send me over the edge. So, on a lark, I opened one of the emails.
And that's about the time that I wanted to take a bucket of bleach and a handful of matches to my account.
I opened one that looked like it was actually adressed to me. It said something like: "Re: Our discussion".
OK, sure. We can discuss.
I open it, and there is the most repulsive picture I have ever seen in my life-it's an older man, with Jesus-styled long brown hair and enough tattoos to make a whole gang of Hell's Angels envious. He was scrawny and hairless, which is not at all my type. But this is where it gets bad-he was naked. And shaved.
Like, completely shaved. We're talking razor, shaving gel, and hot water basin. And while I do like my man's hedges trimmed, I like some proof of testosterone.
It looked like two bald hamsters with a death grip on him, one on his crotch and one on his leg.
I have never...ever...been so turned off so fast in my life. At least I had new material now-in the past while trying to stave off the big O, I would picture a Roseanne Barr/Ally McBeal sandwich. The dichotomy there was more than enough to switch me right off, as I would sit there and try to figure out the logistics of the match.
But now I have this picture.
I can stave off any O for miles around now.
And I never want to use my Hotmail account again.
-H.
PS-the postman brought me a late gift-I just received this DVD, which means I am in for a cozy night with a great film. So-to my mysterious benefactor-a massive thank you for making my day!
PPS-if I am missing you on the links, please let me know-I know I am missing some and want to remedy it.
PPPS-I have a sudden a deep interest in something new: boy pants. They're naughty knickers that are like boy shorts, only with flimsy bits of lace and with your cheeks getting exposed. Holy crap I love these things. My favorite pair has a row of Victorian looking buttons leading up the sides. Man those things turn me on.
Posted by Everydaystranger at May 7, 2004 08:35 AM | TrackBackI'm not getting a visual on the boy-pants. Can you link to a picture?
Posted by: Almost Lucid (Brad) at May 10, 2004 07:07 PMYou are fortunate...hopefully when you are 42, you can still wear boy shorts...my ass is way too big....I have, however, found a female version of boxer/briefs...they are not sexy, but they ARE the most comfortable underwear known to woman.....
Posted by: mitzi at May 9, 2004 01:43 AMI don't understand, what are boy pants? what is a thong? A picture is worth a thousand words.
*snicker* =)
Posted by: Dane at May 8, 2004 02:55 PMHotmail's Junk Mail setting to the highest order seems to do a "decent" job at sifting through the nonsense. As well the filters can target anything as well you've been bombarded by via keyword.
You definitely seem web savvy enuf to know this, but JIC.
Cheers bud.
Posted by: Curator at May 8, 2004 08:49 AMStill ROTFLMAO. Your writing skills and talent for colourful description are great :-)
Besides creating a new webmail account every month or so I ran accross a nifty method whereby you change any e-mail address that you post on a site to hex. This allows people's e-mail clients to read it but apparently most mail harvesting bots miss it. There are other methods such as using javascript to break up then reasemble your addy in the "to:" field but I haven't used them because I worry that people will surf with javascript turned off to avoid that other pet peeve: POP UPs! Grrr.
P.S. you may have found a way to turn yourself off but all this talk of boy pants on you and thongs has, I reckon, turned on all of your poor humble male blog visitors! Sorry Mr Y :-/
Posted by: Steve P at May 8, 2004 08:24 AMJim: Shaved Jesus Porn Hamsters would make a great blog name.
Posted by: Bird Brain at May 8, 2004 04:25 AMI saw where you did not have me listed among those who have disclosed their locations. I live in the capital city of the great State of Confusion, Utter. All of us at Beyond the Black Hole live in Utter, Confusion.
Posted by: Mr Mouse at May 8, 2004 04:24 AMIt looked like two bald hamsters with a death grip on him, one on his crotch and one on his leg.
I could have kept the pounds off today by reading that sentence BEFORE breakfast . . . .
Posted by: ilyka at May 7, 2004 08:59 PM"small children are wrestling unhappily under my jeans"...I think I just wet my pants laughing.
And I am not giving up the thongs yet. Oh no. I just decided that there is more than enough air time for my knicker selection.
Posted by: Helen at May 7, 2004 08:15 PMI almost always wear low-rise boy shorts. With my hips, they fit better than anything else, and I can still feel sexy. Besides, they let your cheeks pop out a bit, which looks 'n' feels terrific. Yum. The boyfriend prefers bikinis, though.
A body like mine was just not made for thongs. It looks like small children are wrestling unhappily under my jeans.
Posted by: Kaetchen at May 7, 2004 05:38 PM"To Me, You're Perfect..." [That's one of my favorite scenes from the movie, that and Hugh dancing. And Colin Firth...sigh.]
Posted by: Vikkicar at May 7, 2004 05:15 PM
Yeah, G-Mail is quite ok so far. Takecare and Godbless.
Brazilian tangas are all the rage here. .... Check out Victoria's Secret US page....
Posted by: Courtney at May 7, 2004 03:57 PMGoogle mail (gmail) is my new best friend. Still in beta and I got to test since I use blogger. Everytime I open it I'm filled with great email lust. It's that good.
Posted by: Heather at May 7, 2004 03:40 PMI had one offering to give me puffy lips so that all my friends would be jealous.
All of this could easily go away. It amazes me what we will put up with and the amount of our time we allow other people to waste. It would be simple to stop. I just read that M$ is changing things so legitimate spammers(ones that are paying them) will be able to bypass the non-M$ filter software. So it is not easy when people don't want it to stop. Somebody must be buying.
"Shaved Jesus Porn Hamsters" would make an awesome name for a rock band.
In that sandwhich, was Ally McBeal the figurative slice of pickle or something? No way she could have been the meat.
Posted by: Jim at May 7, 2004 01:26 PMAhhh...spam.
I never cared for the way that hotmail does anything. I had an account there, but I stopped looking at it long ago. I have my ISP mailbox, and a couple of yahoo accounts and that's it. Yahoo does a pretty good job at filtering the spam. I generally try to avoid any Microsft products whenever possible.
My problem is getting zombie emails sent back to me. I get returns from people all over the place for emails I never sent, most of them containing viruses. And I know that they're not coming from me because I check my machine often, I keep my Symantec up to date, and I have a Mac.
Posted by: Easy at May 7, 2004 01:17 PMthe only mail I get to my hotmail account is from hotmail staff! :)
Posted by: melanie at May 7, 2004 11:52 AMI've never really been able to figure out how or why, but I've had my hotmail account for over 8 years now and still only get around one spam e-mail a day (no really nasty ones either).
All the spam in the world seems to arrive at my work account instead as our entire building seemed to end up on just about every spam mailing list in existance. They've managed to cut out the worst of it, but using the preview pane in outlook is still a bit of a lottery.
Posted by: Gareth at May 7, 2004 09:15 AMIt took a year for spam to find your hotmail account? You should set up your own company now and tell the world how you managed that.
Posted by: Simon at May 7, 2004 09:02 AMOh and congrats on the Pants! Finally a woman willing to buck the trend of tying a knot in 3 bits of string and calling it underwear - 'spect
Posted by: Rob at May 7, 2004 08:44 AMOf course you realise that the contents of the above is going to bring al sorts of wonderful traffic your way? Lets pick out a few keywords:
Shaved, Jesus, Porn, Hamsters ... you get the gist.
I have to say that my daily Hotmail porn allowance reached the point where I dumped the account. I normally leave images turned off in email unless I know who the mesage is from. I had a nasty experience involving a message from a woman claiming to be called Sandi, who provided photos of her "unique" skills ... which I opened just as my boss walked past. Since then - IMAGES OFF!
Posted by: Rob at May 7, 2004 08:43 AM