I am sitting in the study, by the window, in some comfy large pajamas and drinking coffee. The sky oustide is grey and unwelcoming, as though the seasons god didn't realize it was summer and went derelict on its shift, forgetting to hang the sun out today to warm us up. The house is quiet and dark, and for some reason I am in a classical mood and a little Mahler is twirling around on iTunes.
My life is extraordinary still, in so many ways, but it doesn't cast off the strings of where I have been and what I have left behind. Mr. Y calls it our path of destruction that we have left in our wake, and perhaps that's as good an analogy as anything I could have said. But when the implication is "path of destruction", does that mean the direction we are headed is as controversial as well?
Yesterday would've been my four year wedding anniversary to X Partner Unit. Four years may not seem so long to most, but I can tell you that when we got married I fully intended to see it through. I intended to see it through, but I have always approached love and commitment with a dose of practicality-it is my aim to be with you forever, it is what I want and hope for...but you never know what life is going to throw in your path.
And life threw in my path a lovely Englishman with bluer than blue eyes, and I tripped and fell over him in a very big way.
Today would've been Mr. Y's sixteenth wedding anniversary. They had been together for eighteen years, close to half their lives, and that's a figure that I can't comprehend. It goes along with the fact that some of Mr. Y's friends he has had for almost forty years. Forty years. I have spent my life making friends and then chucking them out of my life as fast as possible in order to avoid any kind of emotional attachment, so the concept of a lifetime of friendship is overwhelming, something that I now want to work towards but I'm outta' the gate awfully late.
We go through some difficult times here. Sometimes when retching and despair go through me at the pain I have caused my ex, I have to stamp the thoughts down into the trash can of my heart, slamming the lid on it and hoping not to get rubbish juice on my hands. When I talk to him and he tells me that he is thinking of selling the house, he's gotten rid of most of the furniture, he's happy and moving on, then I am happy for him. I really, honestly am, and I am also tortured by the fact that I hurt him. He wasn't meant for me, but the kindness he could show makes me want to keep him safe and happy.
It sounds so trite, but I miss my cats so madly it makes me unable to speak. I know, I know-they're cats. But the silent sweet paws that make biscuits on my lap play on my mind. The way they come running to greet me and the absolute trust they have of me-they know you won't chase them with the vacuum. That if you enter the room they don't have to move and that you'll step over them and pet them to boot. That your lap is always open for them. I ache for them in a way that's almost physical and it hurts to know that they can't come until the last weekend in November. I have asked for a kitten, a new member of our joint family that is not in any way a substitute for my girls, but that is some little part of me that also has to do with him, a piece of love and laughter. A confidante in this new world that I have. It got an unreserved no from Mr. Y, so I bide my time and count my days until my girls can get here.
I fucking hate feeling like a burden.
Animals, to me, make a house a home.
Just like to Mr. Y, his kids make a house a home.
Mr. Y battles his own demons, too. When life starts to get him down, the stress and frustration of it, he also falls into the darkness and is unable to make it out. He has deep, unabating guilt about hurting his ex and his children. He misses his kids madly, and I find myself wanting to do anything and everything to try to help out. No, I don't have children (although I want them desperately, and talks about them have historically not gone well) but I know how much he loves them. I want to buy them things they would like and would make their eyes light up over knowing it came from their Daddy (only), to think of things they would like to do when they visit, to try to find ways for him to get to spend holidays with them. I want to take his hurt in my hands and massage it to a warm mushy paste so that we can take it and make it manageable, instead of the warm wall of hurt that builds in his throat and eyes.
But I don't seem to help, and it's dangerous uncharted territory to try to walk in.
We were having problems with this-instead of bonding over an experience that we are both going through, we would attack and defend. It's amazing-we can talk to each other about anything and everything but when it came to this, this experience that we both absolutely know how it feels, we got the swords and sabers out and fought to the death, each of us in an invisible force field composed of our pain. We think we've found a way through that now.
We go to bed.
Not to touch and kiss and suck, but to talk. Vulnerabilities are revealed and honesty somehow flows easier over Egyptian cotton than it does over the ticking of the couch or tile in the kitchen, and so when you are curled up next to someone you love in a place that you love, the words can come out with their real intent, instead of being protected in a layer of barbed thorns.
I asked Mr. Y last night, in the cover of the bed and with his warm and perfect form behind me, knees tucked up behind mine.
"I don't know what to do. I'm worried I can't make you happy." I whisper into the welcome night.
"Don't worry about that." he replied.
"But I do. I worry about it. I don't know that I make you happy."
"You do, Helen. You do make me happy."
"But you seem so unhappy so much." I reply, wondering how to show him what I think.
The guilt is not easy, and I really need it so start subsiding now. Yes, I broke up a family. Yes, I am a homewrecker and I broke my X Partner Unit's heart (and mine with it). Yes, my family and I have completely fallen out over this. And my god, I am so sorry that people have been hurt. But I don't want this heavy mantle of guilt about me now. I want to be able to laugh and be happy and enjoy my new life without feeling the responsibility of burden to the old one. I am so sorry that people have been hurt...but I really want my happiness to be allowed to ooze out of me. Finally. For the first time. I want to laugh and love and dance unreservedly. I want to be able to have a bad hair day without thinking that I have no right to feel bad. I want to love every floorboard of this house without thinking of the pacing done on the old ones, by feet with a heavy heart and toes of sadness. I want to be able to laugh and be touched in public by Mr. Y without the worrying.
This man is the greatest passion I have ever known.
We are not feeling too broken up about the anniversaries, just both aware of them. And he apparently especially so and it makes me feel lost. We're going away tonight, to another branch of the lovely Hotel Du Vin series, and then tomorrow taking a boat to France for an overnight trip. Just because. Just to get away and laugh and relax.
I am happy. I am changing. And I am sorry.
-H.
PS- Tiffani yesterday left my 5000th comment, just narrowly beating Jiminy for it!
PPS- About Layne...I have no idea, actually. I read a bit of Acanit, and I can see a seriously uncanny resemblance to the writing. If Layne is a professional writer just messing about...well I am a little disappointed, but I got a lot out of her writing, so I guess I am thankful. But no one can be write that screwed up without some background in it, so for the person that is Layne out there somewhere, I hope that they are happy and well.
Posted by Everydaystranger at June 18, 2004 08:09 AM | TrackBackHi Helen, I've been reading you for a week or so. This post of yours hit home for me. I left my cats behind when I left my ex-husband too and I missed them horribly. I did get them eventually and I still have them today, 5 years later. The oldest is 18 now and very dotty. But incredibly sweet.
The guilt over your ex...well, I still have residual guilt about my ex for much the same reasons you do. I've been writing about it in detail lately, how it all happened and it's helped me more than anything else has, I think. Mostly because I can see now, with the wonderful addition of hindsight, that there was no other choice for me after all, although at the time I thought there were many choices. Staying with him would have been equivalent to emotional death for me. And as much as I hated hurting him, I wasn't about to commit soul-suicide over him either.
Still. I am a kind person at heart and I do not hate him or wish him ill. So it was very hard knowing I made him suffer. And still do, I assume, considering the drunken emails I get periodically, announcing he still cares for me. My guilt has diminished a lot over the years. Guilt over the fact that I am happy and he is...not.
I don't know if it will ever go away, but it does get better and I have come to terms with it. :-)
ok I didnt read all the comments, but I'm sure some are saying "it wasn't your fault". Put me in that camp as well.
pls stop saying "i" broke them up. He is a big boy, he made the decision. He chose you...I am sure it was a hard decision, but in the end he is making himself happy...you are making him happy.
It is tough/impossible to reconcile all the bits of each relationship, and the motives, and the outcomes. Happines will probably not be found in identifying the all-incompassing explanation. Also, good or bad the explanation doesn't change a thing.
You are in this life..#7?, dont live it with misplaced doubts about the past.
(for additional superior advice pls deposit $1.50....lol)
Posted by: jim at June 19, 2004 03:52 PMAs you may know from reading some of my posts, I left a wife for someone I loved, and left my children behind. I missed them terribly. My new wife said the same things to me that you expressed in this post. Today, I have good, strong relationships with my adult children. My new wife and I had a really wonderful life together. The deal is, all you can do is love these people. Love him. Love his children. Let your heart guide you.
By the way, I empathize with your feelings about your cats. The differences between cat relationships and human relationships are so trivial they aren't worth discussing. The most painful losses I've ever experienced were from the death of cats. You miss your cats. He misses his kids. We can't have it all.
Posted by: Denny at June 19, 2004 05:55 AMThis is my first visit to your blog and I'm amazed at what you have been through in little more than a year. You have remarkable resisilence and I wish you only the best. I'm older than you and you've me remember those days in my late 20s and 30s when my life was a drama. I wish you only the best in love and love. And I'm glad you're writing about it
Posted by: Jill at June 19, 2004 01:14 AMSimon: ditto.
H, I'm not sure about the homewrecker bit. It certainly sounds as though his marriage was already in trouble - as was yours. You have to remember that there just hasn't been that much time for all of these fresh wounds to heal yet - and that you're dealing with some of the largest wounds humans can deal each other. Take each day slowly.
Posted by: Kaetchen at June 18, 2004 05:30 PMGuilt is good. It's a wonderful God given emotion to help us right the wrongs we've done. Without it we'd hurt someone we love and never look back. If a wrong CAN be righted (by an apology or reconciliation) it should be. Never be afraid to do what's right.
If a wrong CAN'T be righted (and most can with effort and repentance), then being sorry and waiting for time to heal the hurt is about all you can do. One thing you can do is DON'T DWELL ON IT. Some introspection is good; too much bogs us down in self-pity.
Posted by: Solomon at June 18, 2004 03:59 PMThats okay. Broadband issues will work itself out. One of my readers also reads you (I put the link to your site in my blog the other day of sites I read. Right next to Fark) :)
Good luck this weekend. Post pics :)
Posted by: drew at June 18, 2004 03:38 PMI can relate in the sense that when you date someone who has children from a previous relationship it presents "terrain" like none seen before. All you can do is to take it slow and sure and give the children time to warm up. At this point I am sure they see you as a friend of Dad and someone to tell old stories anew to.
Posted by: Drew at June 18, 2004 03:36 PMYay me! -
Posted by: Tiffani at June 18, 2004 02:34 PMDrew the broadband issue is killing me! It now looks like first week of July, due to a fuck-up with my ISP. And the only sites (heh-conveniently enough!) not firewalled from my Dream Job are Munu sites...
Dial-up sucks.
Posted by: Helen at June 18, 2004 02:13 PMLets talk about the serious stuff. Like when you are going to have broadband and start visiting again?
Posted by: drew at June 18, 2004 02:08 PMI wanted to write something comforting...but then I read what Simon wrote and there is no way I can put it more eloquently then that. So I figured I would just add onto it. Love is not easy. Love is not always right either. One thing I have understood about situations where people have a past...give them space and most of all, don't take it personally. If you really want to make it work, understand that when he feels pain, it's not a direct reaction to you. What he's feeling is not about you. Just like what you're feeling for your ex is not about him. You are both intertwined yes...but know when the pain is something to be shared, or something for him to resolve for himself with time.
Posted by: Existentialwolf at June 18, 2004 02:07 PMWhile I know exactly what you are referring to I cant help but say that you really are on the right path. The way I always know when I am doing the right thing is that it NEVER is easy and it bangs me around a bit with some PHENOMENAL rewards.
You simply have to resolve not to let teh guilt eat you alive, you cant always look back. You have to live for the moment. It is how I made it through the darkness into the light, or at least the shade. If you look too far ahead or back you paralyse yourself. And you deserve better than that.
Also you cant as much as you want make everything perfect for your partner. Everyone has to face and make peace with their own demons. Being there for each other is the best that you can do and all that each person needs.
You will get there, you will be happy and no one gets to rip that away from you.
Posted by: stinkerbell at June 18, 2004 01:20 PMteehee, keep pushing the kitten thing. he may still break.
;-)
i'm sorry you're hurting. things will get better. my thoughts are with you. xoxox
Posted by: kat at June 18, 2004 01:18 PM"Yes, I broke up a family. Yes, I am a homewrecker and I broke my X Partner Unit's heart (and mine with it). Yes, my family and I have completely fallen out over this. And my god, I am so sorry that people have been hurt. But I don't want this heavy mantle of guilt about me now."
There's a fairly sizable chance you won't ever really be able to move beyond enough to lose the guilt. Your internal moral structure will probably be the determining factor in how quickly you can get the guilt out, not something you choose to do.
It comes down to whether your moral structure allows a person to hurt others, even if not deliberately, in order to be happy themselves. If it won't, there's little you can do but wait to see if time will dampen the wounds. Simply saying "My happiness is most important" won't have any effect if your heart and soul don't believe it.
The worst part, of course, is that you won't be able to predict the result. It may never come. It may come one night while reading a book by the window. It may come tomorrow.
I hasten to point out that the fact that you feel guilt about these things makes you a better person than if you didn't care about these things.
Posted by: al at June 18, 2004 11:52 AMHelen, believe that you deserve to be happy, you do OK! On the Layne thing...you summed that up very well, whoever Layne is, there is a good person there I am sure.
Posted by: nisi at June 18, 2004 10:12 AMHope you get your girl kitties soon, Helen. I can't imagine that Mr. Y won't let you have a kitten! That alone makes him suspect in my mind, but I'll have to take your word for it that he is worth is.
Posted by: Beth at June 18, 2004 09:44 AMSimon is right.
Neil, too was consumed with guilt over the hurt he caused his kids and his ex. He still feels guilt for it, but he's not consumed by it anymore. Life has gone on. And the happiness he felt, even through the guilt, has grown :)
That's what's called life...
Posted by: croxie at June 18, 2004 09:33 AMThe only answer is time. The obvious happiness you and Y have together will remain, and over time the hurt and sorrow will heal and be forgiven. Don't forget that much of what has happened has been too recent for that healing process to start. And as long as you and Y are being honest and open with each other then everything else will flow from that too. Not in a day, not in a week, not even in a year. But over time it will.
You want to know why? Because happiness and love always beat sadness and hurt. It says so in the book.
Posted by: Simon at June 18, 2004 09:27 AM