So I had to qualify some of my Putting It Away discussion with Dear Mate and Best Friend. You know, the two beings that indicated to me that it was very important to sheathe the big sword sometimes.
It appears that they have modified their view a teensy-bit.
It is thus.
I had a very long chat with Dear Mate the other day (as we do, a few times a week). This was over some beer at the pub.
Me (making fingerprint marks in the foam of the beer): OK, so it appears that it is JUST you and Best Friend that feel the need to put the sausage in the bun.
DM: What? And quit playing with your beer.
Me: Well, I asked my blog readers and they sounded out that it is about being with a special person, more than just getting your rocks off.
DM: And your blog readers are experts on fucking?
Me: Well, they probably get more sex than either of us get.
DM: Wait, you mean with other people or by themselves?
Me: Isn’t that what brought this discussion on the first time?
DM (taking a long gulp of his beer): OK H, what’s the question now.
Me: OK, well…it appears that a lot of people feel the need to have sex with others as a way of getting close to that special someone. Of bonding with their beloved husband or wife, of making the relationship magical and special again.
DM and I-both of us in long-term relationships-look up at each other and laugh hysterically for a good long minute.
DM (gasping for breath): Good one, H.
Me (wiping tears from my eyes): I know, I know. My readers are so optimistic. Anyway, what do you think?
This of course required more beer, so I went for two more pints.
When I returned to the table, DM had drawn up a graph. Remember-he’s not only English (with a weird attachment to trains), but he’s an engineer. And a guy. So visual aids were necessary.
DM: Here’s how it is. There are three different situations in which I would seek out penetration.
Me: I love it when you talk dirty.
DM: 1) if I have not had sex for a while, I would feel the need to plug the drain. If I have gone, let’s say, three weeks without it, the need goes up.
Me: You sometimes go three weeks without sex? But you have been in your committed relationship so long. Don’t you need to be close to her, to get that special warm fuzzy feeling of lust?
We look at each other and laugh hysterically again for another minute.
DM: OK. Situation number 2. I would want to stick it in for the excitement value. That value can be related to the value of situation 1. So if I have not had any sex for a while, and a new chick comes along and begs me for some, then the two needs of situation 1 and 2 combined make it essential to bang the broad. For example, let's say Nigella Lawson shows up and asks me to service her box.
Me (interrupting after a long swig of ale): You have a thing for Nigella Lawson?
DM: Oh yes. She’s quite tasty.
Me: Seriously? Like, you picture her and masturbate to her?
DM: Have you seen how she squeezes a pastry bag of frosting on her show?
Me: No, I don’t watch the show, on account of having good taste.
DM: Then shut the fuck up. Now, point 3. I would want to put it in for sentimental or romantic reasons. There is no set value on that, it is perhaps situational AND related to the frequency issue. So, if I have not had it for a while, and am feeling really warm and fuzzy towards the woman, the emotional number would be high.
Me: Aha! So my blog readers were right! You DO feel the urge to have sex to feel close to someone! To have that special bond.
DM: Oh yeah. I want that with my Partner Unit all the time. I am sure you do, too, with yours!
We look at each other and laugh, somewhat less hysterically this time.
So I thought about this as I lurched my drunken way to the subway to head home. From my perspective, are there three reasons to want to have sex? And is it so, that there is a physiological need, supplemented by an emotional one?
I’ll have to get back to you on this one. It is more complex than I thought. In the meantime, if anyone needs me, I will be curled up with my vibrator while I try to work this one out.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at October 14, 2003 08:00 AM | TrackBackHelen makes an excellent point. I wasn't even taking into consideration the changes that take place as a relationship ages. God knows we've all been there. After enough years...eh.
Posted by: Kaetchen at October 16, 2003 01:21 AMWorks for me...your explanation, I mean. Not the 'fact' that you're probably right...lol.
Posted by: Stevie at October 15, 2003 11:33 PMAh, if we turn the argument around and examine the Chick aspect, I say there is a fourth criteria-obligation. We are, perhaps, obligated to perform at home from time to time, even when the sex drive went out with bell-bottom jeans. Maybe it rides the middle ground between Stevie, Jennifer and Kaetchen-we don't do it to GET love, but we do it to keep it!
Posted by: H at October 15, 2003 08:33 AMDon't blame me...I'm just repeating what I read somewhere that made sense. Maybe I shoulda chose the words better. It's still a generalization but, I think the exact quote was more like "Women HAVE sex...blah, blah, blah." Not give. My bad.
You gotta admit, tho, we women do put more emphasis on the emotional part of sex than most men do. Usually. (And, I DID say last time 'I think', not "I know and this is carved in stone somewhere...)
Geez.
I agree with Kaetchen -- I am so tired of people thinking that women "give it up" to get a man to love them. Please, people. I wouldn't have sex with someone just to get them to love me.
Though I might to get a better parking space at work.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 15, 2003 01:08 AM"Women give sex to get love..."
[insert sound of hysterical laughter]
Yes, some of us do that. But 1) I don't give sex, I have it, and 2)I have it because sex feels good. That's as complicated as it gets. Look at you with your broad brush!
Posted by: Kaetchen at October 15, 2003 12:56 AMOkay...Number One-Real men don't eat quiche. (So I've read...)
Also, women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex and never the twain shall meet. Except to get laid.
I think. lol
Posted by: Stevie at October 14, 2003 11:55 PMNow really. We're talking as if all these categories only apply to men. I had sex Sunday morning. It's now Tuesday afternoon, and I'm itchy again. That has nothing to do with tenderness, and nothing to do with it having been a while. I'm just fecking horny.
So where does that fit in our little troi peg-leg theory?
Posted by: Kaetchen at October 14, 2003 09:39 PMH, not to play the dork here, or anything, but I'm happily married, and there is NOTHING that would make me have sex with anyone other than my wife. I could say that marriage is different, but I felt that way when I was dating, also. We have sex when we want, or when we want to feel a closer connnection, or just when both kids are asleep at the same time. Don't laugh hysterically, but it really is a reflection of the bond we have, and the relationship we've built over the last four years, 10 months, and 23 days. I remember my single days, when -- speaking frankly -- there was only one criteria: availability. But I don't miss those days.
Posted by: Howard at October 14, 2003 08:20 PMwell that and a bj...
Posted by: pylorns at October 14, 2003 03:48 PMA way to a mans heart... cookin..
Posted by: pylorns at October 14, 2003 03:47 PMHey Man-I am a GREAT cook, and not only that, I love to cook as well. I even made a nice quiche for dinner last night.
But do I need to put on a poncey accent in order to be hot?
Good job on all the anacrhonisms, dear...
Posted by: H at October 14, 2003 01:47 PMYeah, that pretty much pegs it. Those are the three legs that the stool of promiscuity stands on. When one or more legs fail the sausage must be soaked. The well must be primed. Time to go spelunking. Down into the valley of death rode the 6 million. Fire a shot across her bow. Plumb the depths. A couple laps from the one armed swimmer. Insert tab A into slot B. Shoot the curl. Fire in the hole.
I mean a guy wants to have sex at that point.
He's right about Nigella, too. Women that can cook well are hot. Hot women that can cook well make mens' knees weak.
Posted by: Jim at October 14, 2003 12:36 PM