Everyday Stranger

What's in a Woman?

Besides sugar and spice and all things nice?

Oh wait. I get it. You think I'm fat, right? Is that what that sugar crack was about? I look fat don't I? You hate the way I look! You're a complete bastard! I hate you!

Yup, that about sums us women up.

Since I have had adventures on both sides of the sex track, I have had some exposure to men and women. OK, well, the women were just for sex, they weren't relationships. And actually, most of my friendships are with men, since I think most women are mental. But I understand a few things about women. Let me dispell a few myths.

Women are complicated creatures, boys. We are complicated creatures inside of complicated creatures (imagine "Aliens", only with the little guy inside the stomach infected with PMS). We have enough passion to fill the Atlantic Ocean, and enough venom to dry that puppy right up. And we reserve the right to use either of them as a weapon. Or it may seem that they are being wielded as a weapon, but the truth is, we are stinging ourselves with venom or flooding ourselves with fire at the same moment we are giving them to you.

We are that philanthropic.

When we ask you what you're thinking, it's not to pry, to have ownership over your thoughts, to check on you. We actually just want to know what you're thinking. Because the big difference between men and women is this: women are always thinking about things. Always. Big or small, we are thinking. And when men say "Nothing" when we ask what you're thinking about, we find that hard to believe. How can that be, that there is just static vibrating around in your heads?

I have only recently accepted that one as fact.

PMS is real. Let's not crank that up to a new, unexplored mental illness. Put it this way: for about 5 days before our period starts, we start filling up with hormones, uterine tissues, and wretched vile horribleness. We get bloated and our breasts rival Dolly Parton's. We don't feel cuddly, we don't feel warm, and we get very, very angry very, very easily. This is before we start bleeding like a sieve, in which case the hormones go away but we get bone dry from all the damn pygmy hamsters.

Women are strong. Stronger than we get credit for, I think. Yes, for some women spiders are the end-all, be-all to horrible (I am not one of those women. Spiders are ok. Clowns, on the other hand...). But have you been around a REAL WOMAN during a crisis? Our heads are glued on straight. We understand what has happened and what needs to be done. And goddammit, we are going to fix the situation.

We may fall apart later, but then again, we reserve that right.

And you think we can't decide things. I know how it is. When we are trying to get dressed for an occasion, it takes us forever. Mostly, since our brains get over-whelmed with input. Is my ass big in this one? Does this make my stomach look pouffy? Does this dress make me look like a PTA mom, or someone you would want to fuck over a pool table? These are SERIOUS questions! Do you want us feeling uncomfortable all night, or do you want us relaxed enough so that we may try to shag you in the bathroom?

And we can't ever decide what we want to eat. I know I can't. I can tell you what I don't want to eat, but almost never what I do (unless I want to eat the guy. In which case, I just unzip his trousers and go for the protein shake. And afterwards, I can't tell him where I want to go eat). But if the issue was about nuclear bomb attacks or feeding third world countries, we have answers. Decision-making time, baby.

Were I to decide to give up dick and explore the female side only, I can think of a few things that I would want in a woman. You know. If I were in a relationship.

-Attractive, but not thinner than I am.
-Willing to eat beaver. All the time.
-When an argument is done, it is done. Don't bring it up in two weeks time. Done.
-Please do not look at me with doey eyes and feel clingy after a fight. Let me cool off. We'll have make-up sex soon enough.
-Must be willing to have make-up sex.
-Must not look better in my clothes than I do.
-When I ask if something is wrong, you tell me. If you say "Nothing", then I am going to believe you and drop the subject.
-If I ask what is wrong, don't ever say "You must know." or "If you don't know, that's part of the problem." and expect me to be psychic and know. I don't know. If I did know, I wouldn't be asking. Cow.

-H.

PS-Happy Halloween. I am dressed up in a USA hockey jersey today. Last year I wore rabbit ears to work, but no one got it. The Swedes are cool in many ways, but perhaps not know for a wild sense of humor.

PPS-It's looking like my business trip in November will be postponed due to the redundancies here in Company X/Duct-Taped Hamsters. Stay tuned to this site for more info. Or if my trip is postponed, have a party of your own without me, and I can send Luuk (although I think Luuk is off to Jim first.)

PPPS-Personal to Sparks: Always.

Posted by Everydaystranger at October 31, 2003 10:39 AM | TrackBack