December 08, 2003

The Point Of Me

Once upon a time, a confused and wary little girl grew up. She was a bundle of emotions, a rather complicated little girl, and even at a young age she kept things to herself. She made a lot of noise about a lot of things, but none of these things were ever of any significance, it was all a diversionary tactic to run and hide herself. People all thought she was cheerful, colorful, and open.

The truth is, she was not.

The complicated little girl grew up into a very complicated teenager. She was the class clown. She was also the smart kid. She had no friends to speak of, and she liked it that way. She had no color in her life.

The teenager grew into a complicated woman. She is the one that others tell all their problems to. She is the one that everyone in her life thinks they know. She is the one who others turn to for a laugh. But the cracks started to show in this complicated woman a year ago when she tried to kill herself. She shocked and amazed every single person in her life, because the truth is, none of them really know her at all.

And then the complicated woman broke out of the little mold she had made for herself, the mold which painted the world in the singular shades of black and white, and as of one month ago she saw that the world was a spectacular array of greys. Some things still were black. Some things still were white. But there were far more colors than she had ever thought she had ever seen.

The complicated woman is me, and everyday I think that maybe I am more simple than I give myself credit for. Because at the end of the day, all I want is to be held by someone that understands that I am screwed-up. That will be able to listen when I finally figure out how to speak. That will hold me when I want to sleep. That will forgive me when I fuck up.

Partner Unit and I had the first honest talk in a long time on Sunday night. We discussed the fact that we were more companions than romantic partners, and that we had been drifting apart for more than a year. We decided to have us live on a day-by-day basis for a while. If I take a job in the UK, then we will see where life takes us. If I don't have a job by February, then we are selling the beautiful house, my little Dream Cottage. We will then rent a flat in the suburbs, and I will sink even further into the sludge.

Mr. Y and I continue to talk, and I have no idea what will happen. I cannot even guess, I do not even know. What I do know is coming. But I can't help but wonder...

The complicated woman has become a complicated blogger. Blogging seems to be full of the transitory, and the die-hards. When I think back six months ago, I wonder about those that were with me in the beginning. Are they still here? And in a year's time, will most of you still be here, too?

If you are, I promise the ride will be just as wild as it is now. There's no other way of it, in my life. Because at the end of the day, what fun would life be otherwise?


Posted by Everydaystranger at December 8, 2003 08:23 PM | TrackBack

Friendship make prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.

Posted by: Espinola Steve at January 20, 2004 05:57 AM

He's on his way to Jean now, which puts him arriving to you right around New Years!

Posted by: Helen at December 11, 2003 08:06 AM

I'll keep reading if only to find out where the hell Luuk the bear is. :-)

Posted by: Simon at December 11, 2003 05:27 AM

I will be around blogging till I get to boring for me, and reading till you do.

Either that or till I have to sell my computer for beer money.

Posted by: Guinness at December 9, 2003 09:41 PM

I have to keep reading your blog to make sense of the jokes at Anger Management !!

Actually, reading about you and your life is interesting - I sense a happy ending!

Posted by: jim at December 9, 2003 08:16 PM

Good to see that you had the big talk and made some decisions hon...Things can only get better now that truth is out there..
The hardest part is to make the move and to rise above situations that are not working.You are brave and i respect you for not becoming complacent and living within the "saftey net"
May the sun always shine apon you.

Posted by: butterflies at December 9, 2003 06:37 PM

As a new recruit i have to say i am still getting to know you. What i can say is that i want to continue reading and get to know you better, not only are you a great writer you and honest writer, i think that is why you enthrall people as you are laying yourself bare in a way most (including me) bloggers do not do.

I hope I am here in a year, but frankly, i dont know what is going to happen with my life and if that will be possible!

Abs x

Posted by: abs at December 9, 2003 10:32 AM

I've only been reading you a short time, but I can honestly say that your writing never leaves me disappointed. I may not always agree with you, but I'm always touched by you. LOL And some of your topics, I REALLY wanna be touched by you. ;)
Being a journalist, I'm forced to read and write a TON, but you have a natural talent. I never wanna predict the future, but I don't see how I can go too long without getting ''touched'' by you. *grin*

Posted by: James at December 9, 2003 08:56 AM

I've always been a reader and don't think will drift off. I may not comment every single day because right now, my work has reached overwhelming proportions and though I want to say things, I just don't have the time, but reading you is always enjoyable and I am sure if I knew you in real life, would like you and get along very well too. You're a lovely and fun person and I'm really sorry you're going through such a bad phase right now. I wish I could do something to cheer you up, you really deserve all the happiness. Cheer up sweets and I think the UK will be better. Whatever happens might happen for the best. And i don't think I'd stop blogging either, I'm pretty much addicted!

Posted by: Melodrama at December 9, 2003 06:58 AM

I've not been here with you forever but long enough to know that I like you, even if I don't know you. This post reminded me alot of myself and how I've felt about the world.

I've been blogging for a couple of years now (well almost) and don't see myself stopping anytime soon. But I can't blog the way you and Sedalina do, there are scars that would be ripped back open if I exposed myself as you do and I just can't stand the pain that much.

That's part of the reason I read you but I also read you because I care about what happens to you. Good, bad, up, down, in, out, you make for a damned compelling read.

Posted by: Johnny Huh at December 9, 2003 06:33 AM

I was here, reading, enjoying, soaking it all in just moments before you became the Blog Goddess you are today. I've loved every minute of it. Not to mention how kind you have been to me right from the very beginning. Your words of encouragement have meant more to me than you'll ever know. I'll be here as long as you are!

Posted by: Sue at December 9, 2003 04:56 AM

Boy, is Paul a buzz-kill or what? If you're here, I'll be here. After all, did Jiminy desert? I don't think so. There's a certain responsibility that comes with being someone's Voice of Reason. I'm here for the long haul. Be well, Helen. BTW, no e-mails for a little longer...I'm STILL swamped at work. But I read the blog every day.

Posted by: Jiminy at December 9, 2003 04:30 AM

You /We will all be gone maybe one will remain?

Posted by: paul at December 9, 2003 01:27 AM

Helen you wrote” When I think back six months ago, I wonder about those that were with me in the beginning. Are they still here? And in a year's time, will most of you still be here, too?"
The answer I feel will be moves on people move on,somtimes we run with life sometimes like a cheesy pop video we are static frozen in a dream with monochrome visions rushing past us unrecognisable in there success and lust, But soon the primeval urges return to be part ,to run with the pack ,to belong then as you run so does confidence and lust , the colours return instincts take over as you make your way to the head ,you rush passing encouragement to other static souls as you whirl passed You are happy untouchable unstoppable.momant remains Only the destinations change

Posted by: paul at December 9, 2003 01:21 AM

i'm addicted to you helen. there's no getting rid of me either.

and oo, thanks s! same goes for you! ack, we need to pick a meeting place. i've always wanted to return to texas, the state of my birth! ;-)

Posted by: kat at December 9, 2003 01:18 AM

I haven't been here since the beginning, but you're stuck with me now, luv!

Posted by: jean at December 9, 2003 01:01 AM

I've had my own sets of problems since I started my long vivisection that is my heart surgery to be exact. I've learned the most about myself and my relationships with others. And if there's one thing I have learned above all else it''re my friend. I'm not going anywhere.

Posted by: Rob at December 8, 2003 11:44 PM

I stumbled upon this site last week, and spent an entire 2 days at work reading it from June onwards. Why? I don't know. I guess you just have such a great writing style and so many interesting and varied things to talk about that makes it hard to stop reading. Keep up the good work, and good luck with everything.

Posted by: stu at December 8, 2003 10:42 PM

You have a remarkable writing style. I have enjoyed each post here and shall return daily. Cheers!

Posted by: Jay at December 8, 2003 10:25 PM

I've been here for a while, too (even though I don't always comment).

Whatever happened to Luuk? That is one fabulous bear!

Posted by: Jennifer at December 8, 2003 10:23 PM

I've seen photos of Kat. She's delicious!

H, babe, you know where I live online and off. Consider me rooted. Only not up the bum.

Posted by: S. at December 8, 2003 09:44 PM

This is the thing: every time the world opens up for us, it also gets bigger and scarier. Knowing that things come in shades of grey means assuming a whole different level of responsibility for your life. It's also goddamn wonderful. Congratulations. And by the way - I'll be here. After all, we still have to plan the four-way. Now if Kat and I can just get up some pics, we can let the gents start playing Barbie Whorehouse.

Posted by: Kaetchen at December 8, 2003 09:42 PM

at the end of the day, all I want is to be held by someone...That will be able to listen....That will hold me....That will forgive me...

*hugs* I couldn't agree more. And, I have a sneaking suspicion that the rest of humanity agrees with us....

Posted by: Courtney at December 8, 2003 09:19 PM

I'll be here. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at December 8, 2003 09:16 PM


Posted by: Kyle at December 8, 2003 09:02 PM

only getting bigger.. in our quest for world domination.. er that and a bottomless keg.

Posted by: pylorns at December 8, 2003 08:35 PM

Been here for quite some time.. don't see the site going anywhere anytime soon either...

Posted by: pylorns at December 8, 2003 08:34 PM
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