Helen here, at a library on borrowed Internet time, so sorry I haven't posted or commented. I just have a short second here, but here is an update of my life.
So much had happened you wouldn't believe it.
I flew into London on Tuesday evening, stressed, nervous, exhausted. I had a bust-up on the telephone with Partner Unit just before, demanding to know why we haven't had sex recently, and that my depression over job-loss wasn't a good enough reason why not. I actually haven't had any since not only am I severely depressed (so much so that even my self-relations count is waaaaaay down), but he won't even look at me. Why would I have sex to that?
And so it was that once I landed, I didn't book into a cheap hotel. I didn't call my old college friend in London, nor did I call Dear Mate (who is also in England).
I called Mr. Y.
I have been staying in his flat for the past two days, pouring my heart out, talking it all out, letting go of all my utter despair. And we haven't been bonking like bunnies or going at it like teenagers-we've been talking. Eating. Drinking wine. Relaxing. Telling him everything that is happening in my life, including my stress, my therapist, and my job hunting.
I feel as though I have a tomb lifted off of me now. I have talked about so much, about so many feelings, so many stresses. I can't stop talking, nor can he, and all I want to do is curl up quietly at his feet and sit there and know that if I want to, I can talk.
And at night, when I lay down to sleep with him, all I can think is that how very comfortable I feel, and how very much I know that being there is the right place to be. And as we drift off to sleep simply holding hands (no more, no less), all the words that I have to say are: Thank you.
The voices screaming in my head the many layers of worthlessness, self-doubt, and despair are quiet. The silence that pings around in my skull is so new and so fresh, I have to take my time to step around and make sure I am in the right place. I am not afraid to tell him my thoughts. I am not afraid to tell him my past. And above all I am not afraid of what will happen if he gets angry.
I haven't yet told him that these past few days have been the most eye-opening of my life, that for the first time in so damn long I feel so calm and happy. That right now there is no where else I would rather be. But the truth is, I am not sure I have words enough to tell him that.
On the other front-yesterday I trucked into downtown London for my interview with Dream Job. I found myself in a whirlwind of tube stations, business suits, and skyscrapers, and as I walked into one, I saw an environment that could help me recover the devestation that was losing my job at Company X, in a job that I could not only do, but that I could do well.
I got to the interview site early so that I could see the neighborhood, get a feel for the environment. In my business suit and sensible high heels (my fun shoes at home, reserved for when I clinch a job), I felt as though I had every right to be in that neighborhood. That this was something I had been waiting for and yearning for. As the chill whipped the buildings and intermittent rain slashed the buildings, I walked past a jewelry store and saw a piece of jewelry in the window-a necklace with three diamonds on it that said "A reward for your past, present and future."
How bang on that was.
The interview went fantastically, I got on with the man who would be my manager so well that I had an instant respect for him-I could learn so much from him! The interview went so well in fact that I have already been called in tomorrow for a second interview. It is now narrowed down to me and one other guy, and apparently I am the favorite. Tomorrow morning is the deciding factor. I have a 50% shot at the job that I want more than anything (and that I have cancelled my other interviews for tomorrow for, just so that I can have this chance).
Tomorrow I will either be insanely elated or at the bottom of the barrel. I will be quizzed on technical aspects, so I am the library checking up on issues-my experience is only with mobile telecommunications, so I have some learning to do on other parts.
My life may change tomorrow. If I get the job, then it's just about citizenship and visas, which feels manageable. If I don't, it's back to the beginning plus the two losses of interviews for other jobs I was up for. But I said it myself-sometimes you just have to have faith.
I have faith that I can do this.
And if/when I do, I am buying myself that necklace and never taking it off, as a reminder that it is now up to me to live the life I deserve and want.
Fingers crossed for just one more day, and I love you guys for thinking of me.
I think I can I think I can I think I can....
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at January 15, 2004 12:53 PM | TrackBackisn't that "I think I can, I know I can"? :)
Posted by: melanie at January 17, 2004 11:56 AMYou guys are amazing.
Roger-I will be buying one of those anyway :)
Rob at XSet-I owe you and your deities one.
Laura-GREAT idea about buying it either way. If it wasn't 600pounds, I would do it. But you still have me thinking anyway:)
Margi-keep the toe, you may need it someday! I am banging out a new post now...
Posted by: Helen at January 17, 2004 11:35 AMThe suschpense is KILLING ME.
I'll cut off a toe and send it to you if you'll only let us know how you are!
Please?!
Heh.
Posted by: margi at January 17, 2004 08:10 AMGood luck.
Posted by: Cheekysquirrel at January 17, 2004 01:52 AMCongrats on relieving yourself of all that emotional burden! Life's too short to carry around the world with you and its good to have found a confidant that you love being with, who loves being with you and you can open up and talk over your troubles.
Good luck on the interview, I would guess you knocked them dead which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how uptight they are.
We shall await further missives from the road!
And tell Partner Unit that you're having a shitty time right now and he needs to understand or just shut the hell up about it. Sex isn't a right, its a privilege.
Posted by: Johnny Huh? at January 16, 2004 09:30 PMGo girl! Sending you all the positive vibes I can muster :)
Posted by: nisi at January 16, 2004 03:16 PMwell???
Posted by: jim at January 16, 2004 03:15 PMhi helen, this is my first time on your blog.
i find myself rooting for you, not only becos that is the only way for anyone reading your post to be ,but also cs, i myself am in a very similar situation,. have given up my job this past month,am on the lookout for another.
also, am still in love and can see you on the way.
all the best for everything.
prayers and best wishes,irene.
Just another voice of encouragement here, hoping for a go girl moment. Sending good vibes to you!
And take very good care of yourself, hey?
Posted by: Sedalina at January 16, 2004 01:11 PMI can't wait until you post again to tell us you GOT IT! Good luck! :)
Posted by: pam at January 16, 2004 02:55 AMYeah..Buy the necklace already!!!! And post a pic..Im sure I will want one too.I love the sound of it and I could sure use some more diamonds.Glad that things are looking up for you ..and Mr Y sounds lovely:)
Posted by: butterflies at January 16, 2004 02:40 AMAhhhh Helen. Even if you don't get the job, you should buy yourself the necklace anyway. Because what's meant to be will be, and the future will be better, job or no job.
I KNOW you can. I KNOW you can.
Posted by: kara at January 16, 2004 02:00 AMHope it goes well. G'luck.
Posted by: cyberangel at January 16, 2004 01:32 AMGood Luck! Good Luck! Good Luck!
I'm so glad to hear that you're experiencing some happiness right now. It's well deserved.
Buy the diamonds, either as a "fucking sweet! i got the job!" or a "it will all be ok when it's better" present for yourself.
Posted by: Laura at January 16, 2004 12:34 AMFark England and there socialize medicine and high taxes...if im living on a island its in the south pacific not in the north atlantic
Posted by: drew at January 16, 2004 12:12 AMHelen, deep breaths, take your time, enjoy it and it will come right. Hoping... zeno
Posted by: zeno at January 15, 2004 11:04 PMGood luck! I know you will do well!
Posted by: Ash at January 15, 2004 10:25 PMI'm with Ilyka, England. England. England. England.
AND you can spank your kids (when you have some) in England without being arrested...I think. :)
Posted by: Solomon at January 15, 2004 10:24 PMLuck and whatever happens write it down, you are good at that !
Posted by: augustijn at January 15, 2004 10:09 PMBlah to Europe come home to America.
Heres to better jobs..
Posted by: Drew at January 15, 2004 10:03 PMI know you can, I know you can...
Posted by: brj at January 15, 2004 09:59 PMI could so much more see you in London than in Sweden, Helen! I hope you get it. Having good rapport with the interviewer is usually a positive sign. Fingers are crossed.
Posted by: ilyka at January 15, 2004 09:30 PMHelen,
I still have my fingers crossed, and I'm hoping for all the best for you. I'm not worried one bit about these changes in your life, I think you're on the right track. My thoughts are with you.
good luck
Posted by: pylorns at January 15, 2004 07:56 PMBest of luck! You're gonna love ol Blighty!
Posted by: Dave at January 15, 2004 07:03 PMOh Helen i hope you have that job! You truely do deserve to be happy and i know that this job may well help you in that quest. I also need you to get it for me, how selfish is that?! But you give me hope, that if we all strive as you do to improve our lives then we may well come out on top.
Also, i want to see you wearing that necklace ; )
Abs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yay. One more to go. All the best-est [hehe] to you. Godbless.
Posted by: Vikkicar at January 15, 2004 06:07 PMYou can.. you will... and you ROCK.........!!!
All the very best.
Posted by: Lucidly Awake at January 15, 2004 05:57 PMH-
Good luck with the job. My father always says, about interviewing, "walk in on the toes of your feet, not the heels." He means, be confident. It's *your* job, not that other guy's. We're all rooting for you.
But remember, also, that this interview is NOT simultaneously a referendum on your worth as a human being. It's a job. I think what I'm saying is, "perspective." Keep yours. On the "being a human being" front, just think of all of us who you've inspired. You come on the scene, fairly recently, and all-of-a-sudden, you've got people caring what happens to you. Cheering you on. You've got quite of few of us hooked as "Everyday Readers" of Everyday Stranger. We've enjoyed being around you, and don't judge your worth based on the title of your job, or the amount of money in your pocket, or even on whether you made a terrible mistake a year ago. You've let us into your heart, and your mind, and into your life. And all of us regulars love you just a little bit. (OK, Jim loves you a lot, well, maybe "love" isn't the right word, but still.)
In my humble opinion, you are leading a life worth living. Strong in passion. This is not to say it's a necessarily always a happy life. Just one worth living. You will know the greater ups than the ones of us who don't dare greatly. For that privilege, you must suffer sometimes the greater sorrows. But for those, too, give thanks.
That being said...kick ass tomorrow.
Also, regarding PU (and what ironically appropriate initials those are), you know how I feel. Enjoy Mr. Y (and I mean that in every way possible), and be well.
Posted by: Jiminy at January 15, 2004 04:38 PMHope and Best wishes for the interview, and when I visit London in September, maybe we can have drinky poo's and I can see your lovely necklace!!!
Posted by: jennifer at January 15, 2004 04:17 PMI know you can I know you can I know you can....
Posted by: Rob at January 15, 2004 04:14 PMH,
I'm so happy for you that I'll overlook the fact you paraphrased a Jesus Jones song... but just this once.
Can you feel those cosmic tumblers clicking into alignment? Only one more to go and then everything else will become irrelevant.
Best wishes little flame, I'll light a candle for you.
i have absolute faith that you're gonna get this job. go kick some ass! :-)
Posted by: kat at January 15, 2004 03:58 PMgo, go, go, go... Helen! Miguel.
p. s. - you´ve got to solve Partner Unit at some point... unsolved thing like that will aunt you.
Good luck. I hope everything works out for you. You deserve it. This is the first time I've posted but I've read many posts in your blog and you've helped to inspire me to begin my own. Good luck Helen, I've been where you are before...
~Good wishes~
Let's see...having good time with Mr. Y. Check. Have a great first interview. Check. Good things happen in threes. Check.
Final interview tomorrow - no worries.
H - I don't know if you ever go back and read your own entries but sometimes I think you answer your own questions in them, even if it's not on the surface. You have done the right thing both with Mr Y and taking the chance on this job.
On behalf of all of us you need to ask them one question: will there be enough time to blog?
Good luck. With everything.
Posted by: Simon at January 15, 2004 03:30 PMOh Helen, I feel the winds of change are blowing. May they blow your lovely self right into a fabulous future. Act 1 was entertaining, intermission sucked, but Act 2 is when all the good stuff happens. Raise the curtain and on with the show!!
Buena suerte mañana, chica... pienso en ti.
Posted by: Camino at January 15, 2004 03:29 PMI'm wishing you all the luck in the world for this job. It sounds like a wonderful experience for you!
And I'm glad that you and Mr. Y are communicating on that level. It bodes well, in my opinion. Don't let PU bring you down.
Well ... Here's hoping ...
You've got what it takes, girl. Now all you have to worry about is random male/ random life stupidity mucking it up. I've got candles lit -- and I am personally hoping that you get back some of the happiness you so richly deserve.
"M'anam do sleibh!"
Kylan
Posted by: Kylan at January 15, 2004 02:54 PMI am currently sacrificing a bagful of M&M's for you. I know you'll do great, I'm just adding some mojo to make sure that they'll have the sense to hire you. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at January 15, 2004 02:40 PMYEAHHHHH!!!! My fingers are crossed on the job prospect. I've always felt that you can tell in the interview. When you walk out thinking, "Damn, I knocked that one clean out of the park" you know.
And despite my earlier reservations with Mr. Y, I am happy and hopeful for you there too. It seems like the most important thing that has been missing in your prior writings about partners is the communications thing. Talking to each other about everything is great news.
My fiancé and I talk like that. That's how I knew she was the one...
Fingers crossed!!!
Buy the Necklace.
Posted by: Kyle at January 15, 2004 02:35 PMYou go girl! 50% huh? sounds more like you got a wrap on it, and how could you not? =) I'll keep everything crossed until you give us the good news.
As far as PU goes, sounds like someone needs to explain to him the difference between making love, and fucking, after which you can give him the 2 bits to go get what he apparently needs, pfft "Hi honey, I know you are away at one of the most important job interviews of your life, but I just called to find out why you don't put out" makes it embarassing to be a guy.
Best of luck Helen, we are all pulling for you, you don't by chance have the name of your competitor for Dream Job, be a shame if he didn't make it to the second interview.... heh heh heh
Dane
Posted by: Dane at January 15, 2004 02:14 PM"I can't believe I sold my sister for you"
..as in.. to the go.. Pfft.
Posted by: Jamie at January 15, 2004 02:11 PMI've gone the path of Robert. I can't believe I sold my sister for you.
Best of luck, you're absolutely fantastic so all should go well. xx
Posted by: Jamie at January 15, 2004 02:10 PMjust to let you know I've got everything I possibly can have crossed and have cashed in a number of personal favour owed by various deities. Here's hoping...
Posted by: robert at January 15, 2004 01:15 PM