Solomon recently asked what my picture of an ideal man is, and I actually had a thread about that some time ago, which is here. Basically, I posted a list that I had made as a fresh-faced and naive-albeit very, very drunk-chickie that had just broken off one of the most significant relationships in her life.
But you know-in light of my now busted-up relationship with my now X-Partner Unit, the fact that I have begun to be open about my seeing Mr. Y, and just the fact that since I wrote that original list, and even my post on October 30, I have found that my life has been exceptionally dark and down, and perhaps one of the most black periods of my life has allowed me to see what it is that I am looking for in a man. That list then is still valid...only I have learned the deeper things that are needed.
This list is not all-inclusive, and may change, by the way.
So here goes.
- Will listen to me talk about my problems, and remember the difficult ones.
- Will want to tell me all of his, from the small to the large.
- Wants to be hands-on in my life. Knowing where I'm going to be, what I'm going to be doing.
- Understands that, like the Velveteen Rabbit, I have spots of my fur that have been loved off, and will calmly love me in those areas, too.
- When I am 48 and undergoing chemotherapy (for I will be, I am sure), you will stay by my side, and read to me, and hold my hands when the pain gets too bad.
- Knows me so well that he can look at a menu and know what I will be having...and be right.
- Also knows me so well that he knows when I may be trying to lie to him, and will call me on it.
- Feels as passionately about me as I do about him. Because I don't listen to the detractors-passion can and does last in some special circumstances.
- Knows that some battles I will have to fight alone, and others I will need his help without prompting.
- Will defend me if my character comes under attack, no matter what.
- Knows that I like to run over the men in my life, so he keeps the upper hand for most of it.
- No matter what, he will never, ever hit me, push me, emotionally beat me up or physically scare me while he is angry. Arguments need to happen. They do not need to happen in a way that makes people cower.
- He will be my best friend, and the one person in the world that I simply cannot live without.
- He knows and understands that I have some problems, and they are problems that he carefully knows about and pays attention to, all the while tiptoeing around them.
- And, above all, he is the one that we talk about everything with together, the good and the bad, the deep and the shallow.
All these things are what my ideal man is.
In return for my ideal man, he will get this:
- A woman who screams with laughter at the smallest things, although she is crap at telling jokes.
- A woman who loves to sit down quietly and watch WWII documentaries just as much as she likes to watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".
- A woman who, although she may be awkward sometimes, all she wants to do is help and ease the burden.
- A woman who isn't done seeing the world...and wants him to see it with her.
- A woman who-when she loves someone-she just can't stop touching him.
- A woman who will never fall out of love with you, if you are the right man.
- A woman who will nurse you through the most desperate illness, and tease you out of the slightest cold.
- A woman who, if she loves you, feels her heart skip a beat just from taking one glance at you in a crowded room. And then she lives on that feeling for hours.
- A woman who will fight for him, defend his honor, and never offer anything less than all she is.
There are lots of other peripheral things that I would like, of course. I want him to love to read, I want him to love to travel, I want a family with him, I want him to be sexually adventurous and I want him to be furrier than a Muppet.
But if I want a partner who will be there for the long haul, then there are bigger issues than if he drops his dirty laundry on the floor. If he likes to eat crackers in the kitchen in the middle of the night. If he occasionally goes out boozing with the boys and comes back shit-faced. Those things have nothing to do with him not being there if one of my family members dies. It has nothing to do with him believing in me if I am ever laid off work again.
My lists have always been interesting, perhaps. But now I can see that the things that I need in someone for the long haul, the things that I will need to make a real partnership work...well, I can see my lists have been missing those.
Maybe my list is a work in progress. Kinda' like me.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at February 12, 2004 10:21 AM | TrackBackRenewed some faith in the opposite-sex with that post. Remember some men are looking for the perfect girl too. Sounds like you fit that catagory.
Posted by: uboat at February 14, 2004 11:19 PMI can agree with you on most of the requirments on the list..except for the *must be hairy* bit..I dont like hairy men.
And I am 48 and nursing my lover with cancer..tho hes not having chemo...Oh and hes a very good patient,he doesnt whinge and moan and hes happy for me to just *be with him*.
He cooks,cleans,shops,opens doors,makes beautiful love to me,and he still makes me smile:) and can make my heart stop when he walks into a room;)
Be safe Helen,Im praying for yu.
Sorry, Helen, but your dream man is taken, he is my husband - and I had to wait a long time for him. Not unlike what you have been going through with Mr. Y.
Maybe John has a doppleganger somewhere for you, though!
By the way, I used to leave things at his house years ago, when I would come and visit surreptiously - to mark my territory, he said. Much like you leave some things at Mr. Y's.
It must be a woman thing, eh?
Take care. We all love you and want you to be happy.
Massive great hugs. Of course it's a work in progress, darling girl. Which of us isn't? And isn't it a lovely feeling to see how far you've come?
Now I'm off to add 'passion' to my list of what it takes to make a mensch. Kisses and lots of solid good will.
Posted by: Kaetchen at February 13, 2004 01:18 AMWant my copy of Why We Love when I'm done with it? You might find it interesting. BTW, the author is an anthropologist who works as an anthropologist for a living. ;)
Posted by: Courtney at February 12, 2004 07:33 PMIt's not to much to ask. The mrs and I share nearly all of the points you state.
And after almost 8 years of marraige I still have to catch my breath when I see her in a crowded you with her dazzeling smile.
Helen, you destroyed my fantasies. We obviously would make each other miserable in 5 seconds. One example: "- Knows me so well that he can look at a menu and know what I will be having...and be right." - I never know what V will be having, and if she has a doubt about blue or yellow, if I say blue sheŽll go with yellow, and vice versa. Seems to work for us tough. Anyway, like you Helen no less... Miguel.
Posted by: msd at February 12, 2004 06:23 PMJim-men can be such wusses with colds. My ex told me that a man with a cold is in as much agony as a woman in labor. Ri-ight...
Curator-sad that I had to say the never, ever part. Perhaps even sadder that I have had the experience to need to.
Heather-you are added!
Solomon-Number 2 sounds about right in importance. Very important!
Paul-just gotta' get my cool shawl, and we can get going, eh? :)
And now...I am logging off and going back to bed.
Posted by: Helen at February 12, 2004 05:23 PMI know this will never happen but if Y ever falls out of line or flat-out fucks up big-time remind him there is a long, if not distinguished, line of suitors just waiting in the wings. I would be your humble sherpa wherever your travels lead you!
*cough* Peru, May 1st-9th *cough*
Now if you'll excuse me I have to book an appointment for my Gattaca leg extensions! Other than that I'm good to go.
Posted by: Paul at February 12, 2004 05:18 PM
Helen~
Your list reminds me of a poem that I have and read quite often. Have you ever heard of Oriah Mountain Dreamer? She wrote the most beautiful poem. I fell in love with it and think that you could absolutely relate to it. If you want - I can e-mail it to you. However, I don't have your address so you'll have to give it to me. It'll be worth it. I promise.
I read a book that suggested spouses write a "top 10 things that make me feel loved" list periodically and share it with each other.
I'm equating "what makes me feel loved" with "the perfect man/woman", because the perfect man/woman will make you feel loved...that's why they're perfect.
It's done periodically, because our needs change as we mature. As a young Solomon, sex was numbers 1, 2, AND 3 on the list. Now it's just number 2. You're right; this is a life long work-in-progress list.
Posted by: Solomon at February 12, 2004 04:00 PMCan I host Luuka, please?
Mt. Carmel, Illinois
Everytime I visit your blog and see that bear that song gets stuck in my head for hours...
... my name is luka, i live on the second floor.
Thanks for that!
Posted by: Heather at February 12, 2004 02:55 PMYou lost your "Loves hockey" requirement. That's important.
Your "never, ever" requirements are disturbing.
Any Dallas Stars fan deserves the best.
Take care man.
Posted by: Curator at February 12, 2004 02:54 PMThe best lists are always works in progress. ;-)
I think you made a mistake on one of these though: "- A woman who will nurse you through the most desperate illness, and tease you out of the slightest cold."
You see, men do not get slight colds. We are either perfectly healthy or on death's door. That middle ground is just a waste of time. Now I will grant you that sometimes, occasionally, once in a while, the deathlike symptoms that a man is suffering from might appear to nearby observers to be, in fact, a slight cold. However, it it important to note that the man's cold is a nefarious and evil entity and it does this heinous thing - this masquerading as a mere trifle of an illness while in fact causing untold suffering - intentionally and with malice aforethought in order to fool the women in the man's life. Other men see through this horrific illusion with no difficulty.
Posted by: Jim at February 12, 2004 01:31 PMYeah, Del! Congrats!
And thanks for the warm wishes...I hope they come true :)
Posted by: Helen at February 12, 2004 01:20 PMI am feeling very lucky, because your description of what your perfect man will get with you is what I have my my soon-to-be wife.
Good luck with Mr Y (for some reason, I too think of Mr Big from Sex and the City) and the visa.
I have a feeling that this current low may turn into a very big high, and it may be sooner than you think!
Posted by: Del at February 12, 2004 01:12 PMYeah...does anyone have his agent's phone number? Anyone? Surely I am the woman of his dreams...
Posted by: Helen at February 12, 2004 11:50 AMWoah! You just, like, totally descirbed Kiefer Sutherland.
Posted by: Gareth at February 12, 2004 11:16 AM